I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

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  • CaliSteph
    CaliSteph Posts: 142 Member
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    You got a lot of great advice and just reading through your last response - her insecurities isn't something you can fix for her and aren't your responsibility. Indulging her only gives her the idea that she can continue to do this to you and to continue to make the relationship one sided (tipped toward her it seems). What friend doesn't want to encourage your path to be healthy! Keep yourself around people who are positive and supportive - you deserve that for yourself.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    she didnt force 2 glasses of wine down your throat... you chose to drink it... next time, just say no thanks.

    and you can still eat out, you just have to make better choices...

    that being said, not all relationships are for ever, and that includes friendships - people change, you have changed, so maybe its time to move on with new friendships?
  • Runs4Pasta
    Runs4Pasta Posts: 28 Member
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    First, she's afraid she's going to lose you if you lose the weight. Second, your discipline shines a spotlight on her current lack of discipline. She is demonstrating a lot of co-dependent behaviors. Best thing is to be direct. You are each responsible for your own behaviors and choices. How you react to one another is also an individual choice. If she is really a friend you can set boundaries and maintain the friendship.
  • clarkeje1
    clarkeje1 Posts: 1,636 Member
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    She doesn't sound like she is being a very good friend. She is being selfish and seems to only want to talk about her problems and doesn't care what you are trying to do. I would give her some space, if she calls tell her you can't hang out for a while.
  • huntress74
    huntress74 Posts: 31 Member
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    Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Pretty much this

    Yes, I realize that. I except responsibility for drinking those two glasses of wine. But it is more complicated because I may end up losing a friend over this. My post was intended on getting feedback on how to handle this type of situation. It is looking more and more like I am going to have to make some hard choices if things don't change.
  • ejmcam
    ejmcam Posts: 533 Member
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    She can only sabotage you if you allow her to. Stick to your goals, and maybe she will catch on. If you lose her as a friend because of this, then she wasn't much of a friend anyway. True friends are supportive.
  • Fit4_Life
    Fit4_Life Posts: 828 Member
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    Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.

    ^^I agree with this. Also, I would stop preaching to her about your exercises and diet. Go walking on your own. Obviously, she is not "into" it right now. She has a lot on her mind..and you are her friend that she could depend on and trust.
  • cls_333
    cls_333 Posts: 206 Member
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    It's not just best friends. We all have a ton of people around us that are constantly asking questions like "hey, you wanna go out to lunch, we're all going to get pizza" or "let's go out for drinks & wings after work" (when you know you have to go home & work out) or "come on over for dinner, I'm making mac & cheese & ham steaks." You have to learn to just stick to your routine, say no, go home & work out, etc. You always have better, more fun options (and excuses) why you can't stick to your diet & exercise, but in the end, it's all about you and no one else. Don't blame your friend or anyone else if you can't say no or stick up for yourself when it's your time to exercise.
  • Jeffersz
    Jeffersz Posts: 36
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    I'd tell her exactly how you feel, what you expressed here in this thread. Do so, and you'll find out pretty quickly just how good of a "friend" she really is.

    My $0.02.
  • ubermensch13
    ubermensch13 Posts: 824 Member
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    Enough with the "sabotage" title!!! Sabotage means to secretly attempt to ruin something. It isn't like she is slipping lard into you salad. Tell her what's what and move on....jeeez.
  • Scarlett_Belle
    Scarlett_Belle Posts: 145 Member
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    I've been the you before and I have been the best friend before. When I was like that I was miserably unhappy and felt like I was stuck in my situtation and I would at the time subconsciously ruine my friends efforts. After I reflected it turns out I was scared of change and that I wouldn't not only be able to do it myself but also not be included in my friends life anymore. It took a while but I saw the light.

    Some things you could do if your not ready to lose that friendship yet is tell her she can talk to you about her problems while you walk but you have to "get er done!" (so to speak)

    When she wants to hang out in the city find a location where you have to walk a lot to do activities, take stairs instead of elevators and when you go to lunch (which it is okay to do) tell her you want to try a new place (one that has a ton of healthy options) and don't tell her about the healthy aspect.

    When she makes her snarky comments about people working out and how ridiculous they look counter that with some comment about yeah but I bet they look great with those outfits off :wink:

    If she is still persistant after a while then you can slowly start easing away from her and who knows she might see the light of day and start improving her self or she may let it happen. It's time to improve not just your diet but all aspects of your life. you have already taken the hardest step now you just need to keep going- you got this lady! :flowerforyou:
  • marathon64
    marathon64 Posts: 378 Member
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    She is thinking of herself when she does and says these on things and she is not being a friend to YOU. Tell her you need her support as living a healthy active lifestyle is very important to you. If she can't support you then she's just not the kind of friend you need in your life. That sounds harsh but we need to surround ourself with positive people to the extent possible. If you really want to keep the friendship put some limits on it-be busy with your own stuff and have a regular time you spend together. Don't talk about your fitness with her if she is not interested and supportive. When she is ready to hear about it she will let you know. Saying no to someone and letting them down does not make you a bad friend-you have to look at how fair they are to you in supporting what you want and need.
  • redredy9
    redredy9 Posts: 706 Member
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    Yep. Learn to say No.

    Stop talking to her about what you're doing to lose weight, and when she shows up unexpectedly, politely but firmly tell her she will have to wait until you're done with your workout. Then continue doing what you were doing while she waits.

    If you've made a commitment to yourself to get healthy, then stick to it. And change your mindset - it's not a diet. But don't let her or anyone else torpedo your efforts.

    ^^THIS^^

    I would also stop trying to encourage her to exercise. You've tried. You've done your part. Noone can motivate her if she doesnt want to change and it sounds like her constant resistance to your efforts to help her is chipping away at your efforts to stick to your goals.

    In weightloss and fitness: ME FIRST is not just OK but necessary.

    By the same token if she is not motivated she doesn't have the duty to plan her life around your diet. Of course it would be nice if she tried to support you. She is taking a ME FIRST approach. You should too!
  • RosscoBoscko
    RosscoBoscko Posts: 632 Member
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    Enough with the "sabotage" title!!! Sabotage means to secretly attempt to ruin something. It isn't like she is slipping lard into you salad. Tell her what's what and move on....jeeez.

    Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction.

    No mention of secrecy there.
  • huntress74
    huntress74 Posts: 31 Member
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    Enough with the "sabotage" title!!! Sabotage means to secretly attempt to ruin something. It isn't like she is slipping lard into you salad. Tell her what's what and move on....jeeez.

    We've been friends for many years. It will not be that cut and dry. Our children are friends as well. And, I do think that some of the things she does and says is definately deliberate, while others may not be. Either way, it is a difficult situation. I know she's unhappy with herself, but I am affected by what she says. I'm not a brick wall.
  • mommyof3j
    mommyof3j Posts: 26 Member
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    Drink water while she drinks wine. You should be able to resist peer pressure. As for the rest of it, it's up to you to figure out how to let her be part of your life w/o dominating you w/ her wishes and desires.

    Talk to her about it and if that fails as someone else said concentrate on you and work on yourself. The rest will eventually fall into place.
  • Amy62575
    Amy62575 Posts: 422 Member
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    Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.

    This^^^ Also, she may be afraid that if you lose all the weight and become more active in your lifestyle you won't have any room or time for her. She may need your reassurance that you aren't going anywhere (as long as she supports you).
  • bellanina26
    bellanina26 Posts: 1
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    Angie,
    Your "friend" is intimidated by you. Misery loves company. How dare she question your husband's intensions, i.e., why doesn't he love you the way you are? Not a good [at least, not a secure] friend. A good friend would cheer you on, even if she didn't have the willpower or courage to make a change for herself. Don't let anyone get in your way. :) The next time she says something negative about your kickboxing teacher or your husband's supposed negative intensions, say to her "why aren't you supporting me? I'm at least TRYING to get healthy and change my life?" If she continues to be a bad influence, I know in AA they say, "Keep away from the people, places and things that made you drink [eat]". Don't go to a restaurant where you have memories of over-eating until you feel you are in control of ordering what is best for you to eat.
    Good luck. You’re on the right path. :flowerforyou:
    Cyd
  • no1belongs
    no1belongs Posts: 156
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    If she isnt willing to work out with you then she needs to let you work out and have you to talk to either while you work out or when you have free time. If the only way she will talk to you is while drinking wine or beer kindly refuse and drink water. If she cant talk to you without you drinking with her then i would say she is that great of a friend. I do agree that if you are friends you can talk (without alcohol) and discuss it.
  • Bding123
    Bding123 Posts: 19 Member
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    I had a friend like this too. I refused to let her get in the way of things and when she came over I made her wait until I had finished working out (after giving her the option to join me) eventually she joined in and ended up losing a bunch of weight. She has since admitted that I was making her feel guilty about not making the change she needed to make. Keep powering on but let her know how important this is to you, eventually she will get the hint and who knows - maybe she may join in too?!

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