I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

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  • cnelson1974
    cnelson1974 Posts: 235 Member
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    Tell her what you wrote here. If you're friends, you should be able to talk about it.

    ^^^ This!! :)
  • soldiergrl_101
    soldiergrl_101 Posts: 2,206 Member
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    I am in a similar situation. My husband weighs 130lbs I weigh 200 on a good day. Every time I am doing good he will purposely say lets go grab an ice cream lets go out to dinner and when I say no he will grab some delicious food and eat it right infront of me shoving it in my face taunting me to have a bite. If I say I am going to the gym he says things like why its not doing you any good. My mom says he is trying to keep you fat so you wont leave him because he knows you will if you get skinny. So I believe people do try to sabotage your goals whether it be on purpose or unintentional. Misery loves company! Keeping doing you and dont let any one stop you!
  • kvg1210
    kvg1210 Posts: 35
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    I have a friend who also tries to sabotage me but in a different way - she wanted to lose weight and has always had incredible will power and when she- sets her mind to it she really goes at it - she encouraged me to lose weight and then a few weeks later said she had gone off track and would encourage me to eat all kinds of junk and I would believing that we would start dieting again together - then I did not see her for a few weeks and noticed that she had lost a whole load of weight so I came to the conclusion that she encouraged me to stop dieting but carried on herself - I think she sees it as a competition and when she saw that i was losing the weight and getting more confident in myself she didn't like it - when I approached her about it - she obviously denied it and quickly changed the subject. i haven't told her that I have started with Diet Chef but she did see that I purchased an elliptical cross trainer - I just made the excuse that my family got it for me for Christmas but that I haven't had time to use it - now all I keep getting is text messages telling me what she has eaten and how the diet has gone out the window and she needs to get back on track when she can get her mind around it . It's not nice to have to tell lies to your friend but I feel that if I told her that I had gone to Diet Chef to try and improve my health she wouldn't give me the support I need and would actively encourage me to break my diet.
  • MissDefinate
    MissDefinate Posts: 110 Member
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    You are going to have to lay out the ground rules or get another friend.Because friend support one another and not hurt them!JS
  • JudyAngelman
    JudyAngelman Posts: 58 Member
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    I also committed to a healthy lifestyle and while I continue to lose weight and exercise my friend who always starts with me but doesn't stay the course is still complaining about losing her weight. I can't be discouraged by talkers who never take control of their own lives. She will ask me to go out to eat and I tell her where I can eat, not the fatty food places and if that isn't good for her I just say no thanks.

    I just turned 50 and became a empty nest Mom and I am interested in getting into healthy shape and being active....I have more years to go and have no intentions of sitting on the couch watching TV the rest of my life.

    I have gotten bolder and decided I am important enough to be healthy and happy. YOLO (you only live once)

    Good Luck on your journey!
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    Sabotage with food or drink ONLY happens if you submit.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. Heck, if she wants to eat all that stuff in front of you, let her. Wants to go to your fav restaurant? GO! Eat what YOU want and let her see that eating right is NOT a hardship for you. I think that's the best way to go...fight fire with fire. :)
  • sarakenna1
    sarakenna1 Posts: 261
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    She sounds like I friend I used to have. When I started cleaning up my life, my dearest friend seemed very threatened and even angry by it. Eventually things came to a head and the friendship ended. I realized that her lack of self esteem kept her from ever truly caring about me. She was just using me to have someone around who made her feel like she was ok. She didn't want to change her unhealthy habits, and me changing mine made her feel even worse about herself. That is the epitome of poor self esteem.

    Don't let your friend derail you. If you suspect that she is trying to sabotage the healthy goals you have put in place for yourself, its because she is. That is a mean and cruel thing to do, and you don't need friends like that.
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
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    Listen all ya'll, it's a sabotage!! Sorry, but no one can sabotage you unless you let them. Then it's called self sabotage.

    Next time ask her to walk with you while she vents about her husband. Tell her it will make her feel better and when you're done you can have the wine. Start inviting her to workout with you more and offering her support. Maybe she will reciprocate when she sees that you can both help each other out.
  • bearkisses
    bearkisses Posts: 1,252 Member
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    so...i think she is trying to sabotage herself, and as a result bringing you down. let her know 'no, we can talk and walk, walking is really therapeutic, it has been known to help with depression even, blahblah', all you can do is encourage her to join you, or leave her in your dust and be there when she is ready for the support. it doesn't sound like she wants to discourage you in my opinion.
  • AnjieBart
    AnjieBart Posts: 1 Member
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    I would just stick with the original plan... I think you're doing great! When she comes over for a "friend", just stick to your guns and turn down the glass of wine or beer and be VERY vocal about it. The more you talk about regulating yourself, the easier it becomes to turn things like that down. Or if you have a workout to do, don't let her stopping by change that. She can either choose to go for the walk with you, or sit there knowing that she's not doing anything to help herself. Rub it in her face if you have to. Holding a conversation can still be done while doing push-ups, or walking, or whatever you want to do as a workout.... it's only going to make her realize what she's NOT doing for herself. You can have a friendship AND a healthier lifestyle, you just need to remember who you're doing it for. : ) Good luck!
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
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    I'd say hard as it is the only real option is to talk to her if you want to keep her as a friend. Tell her how you feel and that you need her support as well as you giving her yours, can't be a one-way street.

    If she isn't willing to do this or stop sabotaging you then unfortunately the only thing you can do is cut her loose, or at the very least significantly scale back your friendship.

    ^This. People who truly love and care about you, will support you, even if they are struggling with stress/relationship issues, whatever. I had a friend who kept making snarky comments and insinuating that I was "working out too much" last year (I was training for 2 half marathons and also trying to keep up with strength training, etc). I finally had a very frank discussion with her...it took her a couple of months, but we were able to repair our friendship and we support each others' goals.
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
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    Yes, she is and it happens on a regular basis. This also happens when people are trying to recover from alcoholism or drug addiction. They can not STAND to see the person make these changes in their life because then they will have to take a look at their own.

    Empower yourself. Do not allow her to bring you down, you do what you need to do to get healthy and if she wants to join, great, but if not, she can find someone else to join her pity party.

    Taking a walk to talk about problems is WAY better than a bottle, or 2 of wine. Put things back in your court on your terms, if she does not like it, she can find someone else to be a victim with.

    I have been there and done this. I not only lost the weight and got healthy, I am over 5 years sober. I had to stand up for myself and not allow outside influences to keep me from where I knew I was able to go.

    And anther thing, we do not have to keep a friend for ever. Toxic people that thrive on drama (and wine) are best to let go. Just wait and see what is in store for your marriage once you and your husband start being athletic together, OMG ITS AWESOME!
  • bumblebums
    bumblebums Posts: 2,181 Member
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    There's some good recent research that demonstrates how obesity spreads through social networks. Here's a lay summary:

    https://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=social-spread-obesity

    There is a pattern to her behavior, but it might not be intentional. Then again, it might be. I would just do my best to sticking to my own goals--drink water instead of wine (or drink just one 5 oz glass), eat only part of your food in a restaurant, and invite her to join you for workouts.

    I had a casual friend that I used to exercise with. When she cancelled on me one time too many, the friendship dissipated. (I still exercise, and she does not--in fact, she's gained something like 30 lb since we were closer.)
  • Kendra7107
    Kendra7107 Posts: 122
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    True Story: I lost 45 pounds a few years back and looked so good!! Even people at work that I didn't know well would comment on it so I know the lose was very visible. I was within 20 pounds of my ideal weight. I flew out west to visit my brother and his wife (they have since moved back to the East Coast) and when I stepped off the plane my brother thought I looked fabulous. The entire two weeks we stayed with them my overweight sister-in-law didn't say ONE WORD about my weight loss and it was very noticeable. She never said, "You look great, good job" or anything. It's hard for people to be supportive when they feel bad about themselves.

    This is a bit off topic but how many times have we heard, "She changed when she lost weight" or similar comments. I know that we all change as we lose weight because we have more confidence and feel better about ourselves. I know I do.

    Sometimes I think it's not so much our changes as those of the people around us. It's true that misery loves company. It's also true that your friend wants and needs to lose weight but just isn't there mentally. To me the weight loss battle is 90% mental, as I have to be "ready for the journey". She is a bit jealous and threatended that you are making the changes that she wants and needs.

    If talking is difficult for you, write her a nice letter and send it her way telling her how you feel. Also, cut back on the diet, exercise, healthy talk when around her. I know that when I'm on my weight loss journey it tends to take center stage and it's all I want to focus on. I'm not suggesting you do the same but maybe all the talk bothers her.

    I agree with others on here, drink water when she has wine. You aren't 16 years old, if she can't accept that you won't drink with her, something is wrong. We are too old for peer pressure. :-) Go to a restaurant with her and order a salad with dressing on the side. Eat very little all day and save up your calories. Show her that being in a restaurant won't stop your journey. Go on-line to some of the calorie counting sites and research your menu before you go out with her. I do that all the time so I know what I can order once I get to the restaurant. That way no one has to know I'm counting calories.
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
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    I don't want to lose her as a friend. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

    Angie

    Tell her that.

    And stick to your plan. For instance, if she wants to talk, are always available for a talk, but you would like to walk while you talk.

    But if she continues to be negative, just let it slide.
  • _Witsy_
    _Witsy_ Posts: 609 Member
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    Like many have said, tell her how you feel.


    Whether it is intentional or not, seems she is trying to hold on to the situation you both have been in for a long time. You have the courage to change but right now it seems she is not ready...that may just be scaring her. She may have a whole different outlook if she realizes how much it upsets you. Give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her...repeat everything you said here. She can either join you for walks or she can wait at home until you are available to talk. It's your responsibility to do what you need to do for yourself AND to tell another adult when they're crossing your boundaries.

    If she gives you a hard time or a guilt trip, a little distance may be needed, let it cool down and if nothing changes, it may be one toxic relationship that you no longer need.
  • junejadesky
    junejadesky Posts: 524 Member
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    She is jealous and doesn't know how to be motivated like you. Talk to her.... if you lose her over it then she isn't who you need in your life anyway. AND you should be able to go to your fav restaurant and eat within your goals... you can do it!
  • mtabh
    mtabh Posts: 128 Member
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    Every relationship needs boundaries. I made plans the other day to get together with a friend and instead of our usual dinner I told her I'd be happier meeting for coffee to avoid restaurant calories. I'll have a cup of tea and stay on track. She was totally fine with it and was supportive. Tell her you need that kind of friend.
  • christou84
    christou84 Posts: 79 Member
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    I think you should tell her exactly what you said here... tell her that you're trying to commit to that new lifestyle change and that you can't hang out eating and drinking those bad things you used too, not now... at least until you get to where you're satisfied! ;Tell her whenever she feels like she could join you in the process, she is welcome to do so... Lord knows if she's not committed, she won't do it, and don't let that keep you from achieving your goals!
  • OkieinMinny
    OkieinMinny Posts: 834 Member
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    I love her but, I am seriously upset that she is not being supportive and, it seems, trying everything in her power to stop me from being successful. Maybe she has always been this needy, but before I had more time to be there for her. Now my time is more limited. Am I imagining this?


    I did not read through all of the replies but the part where you said maybe she has always been this way? Look at that a little deeper. Before you decided to change was downing 2 bottles of wine a normal thing for you guys?

    Maybe she feels the recent strain on your relationship and thinks that going out to your favorite restaurant will help bond you guys back together?

    I am not saying you are wrong but maybe the one who is really changing is you? Not that is a bad thing you are making a change for yourself but she could probably write a similar post about how much you have changed.

    LOL no, she brought one bottle of red and one white as options....not to drink both. I shouldn't have had the two glasses, I know. And, I have told her I wanted to not drink anything for awhile. What irritated me is that she came over knowing I was trying to get my workout in. She knew she would be interrupting it...and to stay so late talking about her problems. I felt obligated as her friend to listen. But, I think after reading all the comments, I'm going to have to be firm with her and not let myself be dragged into her drama all the time.

    ^^ WHY not have her join you in the workout? if you were going for a walk etc - thats a great time to talk and I agree only YOU can let the sabotage happen, this is not on your friend

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