I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

kayleepie · January 2013

Maybe you should think of this as a challenge?

My partner and I are both overweight. At my starting weight she was still significantly heavier than me. She complains all the time about how she has no confidence and doesn't like the way she looks, but she teases me when I refuse to eat something or when I talk about counting calories.
The other day we were with some ffriends at a bar and my partner teased me for ordering water to drink. My friend said to her, "Don't say that. Look at how much weight she's lost. She's doing a great job".

I think my partner just isn't ready to lose the weight and maybe your friend isn't either. It sounds like she wants the two of you to lose it together, but she isn't ready to start. Dont let her hold you back. Refuse the wine if it doesn't fit into your calories. KEep working hard and when the results start to show maybe she'll realise how much catching up to do.

HollywoodDJ · January 2013

This is different for everyone. However, sometimes this "journey" in not just about losing lbs., it's about changing your life. If that means shedding a toxic relationship that will ultimately be better for YOUR life, than that weight may the greatest loss for you.

My husband is saying the same thing. He doesn't think she is a genuine friend. I am beginning to agree. I guess I may have to start being more stern in telling her no. She just gets so upset and tries to make me feel guilty, like I am trying to hurt her feelings. I is becoming very annoying. I am a pretty nice person, but she is really starting to push those boundaries. Maybe I should just let her go or at least distance myself from her while I am in this stage. And they other guy is right...I shouldn't fall into peer pressure. However, it is the most difficult for me now because I have just begun, so my willpower is not super strong at this point. I don't know it is sad, but this may be the beginning of the end of our friendship.

Oh babygirl, of you only knew how I can identify with this as well. Please know that you don't have to "END" the friendship...but you may need to cool things off with her....You can't change her...she has to want this for herself. She does sound like she is trying to sabotage your weight loss and restructuring of your life....but she isn't doing it to be mean....she's doing it because truly Misery does Love company.....You are moving into a different chapter in your life...and you will change...your thought process...everything begins to change and you will see her in a completely different light. Sounds like she has many more issues going on than just "being very unhappy".......She is jealous and insecure and I tell you from experience that any relationship with JEALOUSY or INSECURITY can not last......Jealousy and insecurity is the poison that will kill any and all relationships. She sounds like unhealthy person in more ways than one. I'm afraid that even if you do try to talk to her she will resent you...but it is better to try and tell her the truth IN LOVE. Just be prepared...I pray it goes better for you than it has for me!

realdog2usa · January 2013

Reading the replies, It looks like you got yourself a lot of positive input and suggestions. Set your sails to succeed. I've lost about 30 lbs in the past year and want 10 more off. I've put a lot of hours into fitness activities... it's become a lifestyle for me now... and will be for you too! Your health comes first... Be assertive with family & friends... I like the post on here ... where you tell your friend... you are setting a certain time aside each evening for "YOU" for your fitness activity, whatever you chose that to be... and that's subject to change too! Be flexible... My definition of a friend is "one that genuinely cares about the others well being" if she cares about you... she will understand... be selfish with your time if necessary... be good to yourself... taking care of you IS being good to yourself... remember the old adage... "misery likes company" she doesn't want what you want... and doesn't want to lose her "buddy". She can choose to join you! You can talk while you walk or workout or whatever. It may be that your friendship with this person is at a turning point as you choose a new path and direction for your life... your healthy, happy life... because you are going to feel so much better and everyday you will want to celebrate life... I'm sure you will meet lots of new friends on your journey!
Cheers, my friend (feel free to friend me if you like)!

wendybird5 · January 2013

It sounds like she's afraid of change. She sounds like my ex. He didn't like his life as it was, but the prospect of changing it scared him so much that he'd continue to make excuses about why he couldn't. But that's her journey and she has to work that out on her own. There's nothing you can do until she decides she does want a change. Focus on yourself and attaining your goals and what you want. Find people who are supportive and will even join in. Your friend can either choose to participate or go do her own thing. It sucks to lose a friend, but it's more important to surround yourself with positive people who can make your life better than negative ones who just drag you down.

Mlkmaid · January 2013

This is really common. I lost 30 pounds about 15 years ago by basically starving myself (totally the wrong way!) and I had a neighbor who came to the bus stop one day with a giant plate of cupcakes (leftovers from a party). She got mad that I wouldn't accept them and hasn't spoken to me since. Another neighbor stopped speaking to me when I started running three years ago. Women can be really strange. I think it's often because they feel guilty that they can't find the motivation and/or jealous that you became light and tight!

Lesa_Sass · January 2013

I just saw this on a motivational speakers facebook page:

"Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life."

peacelovecandace · January 2013

It sounds to me like this "best friend" of yours is incredibly selfish and doesn't want you to be happy. If you're really serious about changing your life and getting fit, sacrifices have to be made. And sometimes those sacrifices include the people in your life. If your friend isn't able to support and encourage you throughout a journey as huge as this, then she is not a true friend. She is too insecure to change her own life and seeing you changing yours makes her feel guilty. She then attempts to sabotage your new lifestyle change in order to quiet the guilt. You're going to have to sit her down and tell her that either she supports you or she doesn't, and if she doesn't then you can't be in her life. Because how are you going to change your life when she is dragging you down? For once, it is time to think about you.

kmchambers64 · January 2013

I agree with all the recommendations that say to tell her exactly what you told us. But it also sounds like she wants to keep you with her in your discomfort and misery. Seeing you desiring to change and be healthier probably makes her feel threatened on any number of levels. So regardless of how she handles your honesty, and you need to be prepared for at least some temporary rejection, you must set boundaries for your relationship that demonstrates that she is important but this is important to you as well. Best of luck.

Micahroni84 · January 2013

It does sound like shes trying to sabotage you but instead of getting upset understand that what she is doing is showing you how scared she is of exercise and diet. There was a time when i would have rather jumped off a cliff than go to a gym because i was terrified that people would stare at me or judge me. Maybe her eating that junk in front of you was hard for you but I'm willing to bet it was torture for her to sit with you, watching you resist temptation. The best thing is to continue to be an example to her and let her know she can join you if she ever wants too.

bcc112986 · January 2013

It does appear that she is sabotaging because of her own unhappiness and if she does not have the ability to get healthier she doesn't want you to either.

Talk to her about your feelings. If she is a true friend, she will admit her wrong and start supporting you.

Brittany

red_road · January 2013

i agree with telling her what you wrote here

peckle123 · January 2013

Try to see it from her side. You suddenly "got the religion" and to her, you may be coming off as preachy. Take the diet/exercise talk off the table. Talk about everything else. If you mention something in passing regarding *yourself*, like "I'm not available next weekend" and she asks why you can reply, "because I'm taking a running class" etc.

If she wants to go to a restaurant and you don't feel ready for it yet, then say, "I can't go out to eat. I'm not control of my eating enough yet to do that. How about a museum? or a movie? or something else?"

If you're exercising and she needs a friend to talk to you can say, "I need to finish my exercise but I can listen to you while I finish. Besides you probably just need a listening ear anyway." "I would love to have some wine but I would rather spend my calories elsewhere."

It's true she may be feeling like once you lose the weight you won't be her friend anymore. You need to ally those fears.

Also as I can say on my side, with maybe one exception, all my friends have been HUGELY supportive. Every time I exercise, lose weight, etc they are there cheering me on. They all see *I* want it so bad and so they want it for me too.

Much luck with this situation and keep up the good work! It's hard in the beginning...

eddiesmith1 · March 2014

Who needs a friend like that? Yes she is sabotaging you, yes its intentional. Distance yourself.

this - she will continue too, have a talk, but i'd say be prepared to just cut ties, you are working on your health and she should support you unreservedly in it if she is a true friend
I've not had the issue with friends around weight loss, but quitting drinking in December sure seemed to upset some of my long term buddies. Others were really supportive

I think my friend is trying to sabotage me!

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