Husband unhappy with my weight :(

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  • LilMissDB
    LilMissDB Posts: 133
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    It's the Dr'.s responsiblity as a medical professional to inform her what the proper range is, not to just say oh you seem like a nice person and I don't want to hurt your feelings so I won't tell you what my education and training tell me is right for you to weigh.

    I think a health professional's responsibilty in this case is actually to set a realistic goal WITH the patient to improve their health. Research shows that losing 5-10% of body weight (and keeping it off, which is much easier to do than for 50% of your weight) is significantly beneficial to your health. Sure, they can re-adjust later if both parties agree it is best but if people see an out of reach goal, then sticking to any kind of healthy plan will seem a lot harder.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    sorry but i dont understand what the issue is here? you're still 213 pounds. arent you all putting the horse before the cart?

    arguing about if you should be 160,150 whatever when you're still 213 is like arguing about what graduate school a kindergarten aged kid should go in.

    at this stage in your weight loss there's more important things you need to think about IMO
  • Bobanji
    Bobanji Posts: 79 Member
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    I haven't been that weight since I was 12 and I'm the same height. My body looks and feels fabulous, however, at 145-150. That's when I'm my healthiest. I do NOT believe in a cookie cutter weight per height. Bodies are built differently. I don't have the structure to look any good at that weight. Neither did my mom. She was a skeleton at that weight and so unhealthy. It's more about your bodily composition and overall health. Weight is only one factor.

    This is exactly why I felt more comfortable at 160lbs. My body is very muscular as it is. When I lose weight, it becomes extremely obvious. I played sports all my life and even today I love lifting weights. At 150lbs, I felt like I was starting to develop the body of a body builder and I personally do not like that for me. Having some fat over my muscles kept me looking curvy and I felt good about how I looked. I have gone to get my body fat measured. At this point according to my body fat, I am obese, not Morbidly Obese, which is what my doctor had me under using only my height and weight. And there was a huge difference in the numbers. All bodies are not created equally. One weight for one person, will not always look the same or feel the same for another. In addition, I have no medical issues and never have.
  • ashlinmarie
    ashlinmarie Posts: 1,263 Member
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    Okay let's start giving spouses the benefit of the doubt a little. Her Dr. said a healthy weight to her that her husband is probably aware of. Is it even possible and permissible that her husband might be encouraging her to at least compromise between her goal and her Dr's goals for her?

    It's the Dr'.s responsiblity as a medical professional to inform her what the proper range is, not to just say oh you seem like a nice person and I don't want to hurt your feelings so I won't tell you what my education and training tell me is right for you to weigh.

    You're giving the Dr. the benefit of the doubt too. Doctor's usually tell you to aim for your BMI, but my BMI tells me I should weigh at the low end 120 and the high end 150 (ish). I look sick at 120, though, so no matter how "healthy" that chart tells me it is, I know I look sick at that size. If she has no medical issues, is eating healthy, and exercising, she can be the empowered and beautiful person she is at 120 or at 160, but if 160 makes her happy, then she should stay there. You can always change your mind and lose more weight.
  • DawnieB1977
    DawnieB1977 Posts: 4,248 Member
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    Sorry your husband is being like this, yes he shouldn't care what weight you are except for health reasons. Your doctor however is correct about you aiming for 115-120lbs. I'm 120lbs and same height as you and aiming to lose that last 3lbs and I got up close to 150lbs and felt VERY fat so I don't know how you'd like to be 160lbs..

    Just because she doesn't want to be super skinny doesn't make her wrong. You're trying to body police her here as much as her husband if. Just because YOU felt uncomfortable at that weight doesn't mean she does. Everyone carries their weight differently and GASP can love themselves without being thin.

    Exactly! Everyone looks different at certain weights. You should aim for where you feel comfortable. When you reach 160 and you want to lose more, go for it. If you're happy there then maintain.

    I'm 5'6" and 163lbs now and I want to get to 150. From threads i've looked at on here, I have the same measurements as women 20lbs lighter than I am. I look ok now, I could probably stop, but I just have in my head that I want to be 150! When I tell people I want to lose another 13lbs, some look at me like I'm a bit crazy! But I will do what I feel is right.

    I'm sure your husband didn't mean to upset you. I don't think men think about weight the same way women do.
  • unchainedzulu
    unchainedzulu Posts: 44 Member
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    I try to remain a very positive person and find a "reason" for the things that other's say which actually ticks a lot of people off but, I am going to try in this situation as well... hopefully it will give you new light on what your husband could possibly be saying....
    Is it possible that he is happy with your weight, as he should be considering he married you at this weight and he wanted to be supportive of your weight loss by giving his perspective on things. Your doctor said 115 and you are saying 160, to me it sounds like he just threw out a number and said "130" since it's in the middle of the two. He might just want you to consider a lower number but, that doesn't mean that he necessarily wants you there.
    That being said, I don't know what the situation was or what words were said but, I don't want you to have hurt feelings about something that he possibly didn't mean. You might want to communicate this further with him.

    I am so glad that you keep a positive outlook on yourself and on your life that you are able to be so confident. You go girl! :) You rock.

    i was thinking this too.

    and i was also wondering if you kinda felt uncomfortable, like you were in limbo at 150. kind of like you feel sexy at 160, and maybe you would if you went all the way to 120, but at 150 you're too much in the 'in between' stage?
    maybe it's uncomfortable because of extra skin? anyway - these are just kinda of rhetorical questions. i currently weigh so much, i have to measure it in kilos (jokes)

    but i also completely agree with the others that you are the only person that has to be happy with you.
    anyone else's opinion is just that - opinion. it's worth what you paid for it.
  • zombilishious
    zombilishious Posts: 1,250 Member
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    Sigh...I'm sorry Angie...men suck. They're either sabotaging our efforts to be healthy out of insecurity we will leave, or they aren't happy unless we are the size of a supermodel. You can only worry about you. Do what makes you feel good. He'll either hop on the train, or he won't, but you will have the self-confidence of knowing you are doing what is best for you.

    I know you are amazing because I talk to you every single day! So just be you - don't change for anyone - and go for the goals that make you happy!!!!
  • titianwasp
    titianwasp Posts: 139 Member
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    I have to agree that it doesn't sound like he was being mean or insulting.
    He may love you and worries when the doctor says a healthy weight is far different than your goal weight.
    He may want you to be around for a good long time.

    I am just under 5'8" and according to the charts, my healthy range is 160 to 120, and ideal weight for a long life and fewer weight related issues is 130. I got another 20+ pounds to go, but I have young children and a demanding job, and if I want to do the best I can and give those kids my best, I want to be healthy.
  • BeneathYourBeautiful
    BeneathYourBeautiful Posts: 19
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    You're so right. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, but nobody should be forcing them on you. Do what's best for you and your lifestyle and your body, and if you're happy in the end up, everyone else should be too. :)
  • 714rah714
    714rah714 Posts: 759 Member
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    I suggest you wait till you are at 160 and then you and hubby have this discussion.... If you need to - you might not be totally happy, and might want to go a bit lower (or look gorgeous and decide to stay there ) and same for hubby - he might look at you with different eyes when you have dropped 40lbs ....

    I would not stress out about it now already..... I know I changed my mind, and want to lose 20lbs more than I said originally....
    ^^^ A voice of reason
  • RobfromLakewood
    RobfromLakewood Posts: 684
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    I'm glad some people have not given plain 'atta girls' to the original poster. While you may not be happy about your husband's feelings on your weight, you haven't shared the context of why he is saying he feels this should be your goal and we haven't heard anything from him. For the people supporting her to be 160 lbs at 5'2", shame on you. She shouldn't be shamed about her weight, but why encourage her to set an unhealthy goal?

    I love the woman's suggestion to put a hold on your ultimate goal. For your husband, tell him you will be open to discussion when you hit 160, for yourself, be open to getting closer to your doctor's suggestion than 40+ pounds. But focus on reaching 160 with the possibility of more being within your abilities, because it is.
  • GetHotIn2014
    GetHotIn2014 Posts: 201 Member
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    Some people may try to hate on you, but if you are comfortable being at a certain weight then it's all up to you. As long as you take care of yourself eating and exercise wise, you'll be fine. If your husband has a problem with it, well then I guess you may have to think about why you'd be unhappy weighing less. 160 for your height would still be considered overweight but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should have to weigh less if you really don't want to. I'm 5'7 1/2 and my goal is 160, but a lot of ladies on here that are that weight want to lose 20-30 more lbs. I'm like "From where?" lol
  • strawberrytoast
    strawberrytoast Posts: 711 Member
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    Lose weight until you feel happy, that's it!

    Hubbie should love you the way you are, especially if you are the same as when you met him! Tell him to support the journey ahead of you and that's it.
  • Zommbunny
    Zommbunny Posts: 42
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    He may be encouraging you to get to that weight due to the docotrs advice and health benefits of being a 'healthy weight'. firstly don't go nay more than you wnat to. Secondly don't fret about the big picture just now set smaller goals as you go. once at 160 see how you feel and whether you want to go more. Your husband will see the body changes and no doubt forget all about telling you to loose more. take it one strep at a time. no point fretting over something thats not an issue yet.
    Go you for not wanting to give into the pressure tho:drinker:
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    You seem more concerned with what other guys think than your own husband or even your doctor. Do your husband a favor and break up with him and find someone you are really interested in. As for your weight, if you think 160 pounds is a healthy or good weight, then you clearly do not want an honest answer here. And sure, do what you want, it's your life, and your health problems, but don't expect everyone here to tell you lies so you feel better about a bad decision.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    I am sorry that you feel this way, but if what you are writing is correct, your husband isn't being a jerk and he isn't being unsupportive. Exactly to the contrary, he is being supportive and trying to encourage you. He's also being realistic about what a normal weight range is for your height.

    You are petite. You would still be overweight/obese at 160. Maybe your doctor is being unrealistic by suggesting a weight of 115, but 130 is in the normal weight range for your height.

    I'm pretty sure that your husband and your doctor are concerned about your health, and not just your appearance.

    Try the healthy diet, eating less and moving more, and when/if you get to 160, and you're satisfied, then that is great. Complaining about people who are encouraging you get to a weight that is at the top of the normal weight range for your height is completely counter-productive. And completely unfair to your husband.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    What makes you think your husband or guys in general know anything about women?
    I would always thing 120 lbs is the ideal. Well that was before I saw some of the amazing women on here who work there buts off.

    160 - 180ish is more ideal based on height. I say lift heavy.
  • meredith1123
    meredith1123 Posts: 843 Member
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    It took a lot of courage years ago for my mom to tell me i could spare a few pounds, after i was complaining my pants were too tight. Does that mean she loves me any less?
    No, it meant she loved me enough to be honest with me.

    I respect a person who wants to stay in a range that is healthy (not super skinny) but i also respect anyone who is honest enough to be honest with their loved ones about why its important to lose weight and stay healthy. I'm sure he DOES love you either way, but he must love you a WHOLE LOT in order to be honest.

    My boyfriend and I, six years together now, have always made sure we kept it REAL with each other. 15- pounds...okay we can manage that much weight bc we are both 6 feet and over....... But anything more than that is just too much for not only our health but also our entire body structure.
    i'm 6 feet now, 180 pounds (medium shaped body). You're 5'2. I'm thinking a healthy weight would be no more than 140 as a max. My mom is 5'6 and she is 127 pounds (Size 4/5). I couldnt imagine her anymore than 140 and she's taller. For health reasons, i say stay where you are healthy. I know 'meat on our bones' is sexy. But too much is too much.
    I'm for 'thick' sizes...
    but not to a point where its unhealthy. not only does that become unhealthy, it becomes unattractive.
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
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    Pity the Caribbean is too hot for me, else I'd move there!

    That out of the way, a lot of us see ourselves in the mirror when we are overweight and don't recognize ourselves and aren't happy with ourselves. I'm like that, and I can't imagine anyone pressuring me to get fat again. So why should your husband pressure you to go below a weight that you feel happy and like yourself at?

    Now your doctor is another matter. Maybe there is a health reason and a good one. And maybe there is a compromise. Women who do heavy weights often weigh in the 140s-160s and therefore carry much less body fat at a much higher weight. Perhaps your doctor would be happy with you if you did that. It does take a long time and a lot of work to build that much muscle though and maybe you won't like that look, either.

    But your husband, no, sorry. I could see it if he wanted you at the weight you were when you first met, but below that? If he wanted a skinny-skinny why didn't he marry one?
  • MaggieKillNMaul
    MaggieKillNMaul Posts: 24 Member
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    I've been in a similar position...I told my husband my goal weight, and he mentioned that maybe I should try to lose more. It was definately frustrating: I really don't think that most men understand the pressure women feel in regards to their weight, so maybe they don't see how those comments can hurt our feelings. I feel like it puts them in an awkward place....they want to be supportive, and they don't really know the best way to go about it. I would maybe get down to where you feel good about yourself-and maybe go get measured so that you can see what your BMI is from there. First off, he'll see how wonderful you look, but secondly, you'd have the numbers to show him that 160 might be a healthier weight for you--most of all, you need to aim for a weight that you think you can maintain. Maybe talk to your husband and try to let him know how his comments made you feel. He may not have realized that you didn't feel supported when he was possibly trying to show you a little support in his own way.

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