Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters
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Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.
That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.
It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?
It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.
Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.
The thing, I understand that 100%. I would NEVER want his girls to feel like I did. IT was probalby one of the worst things I Ever felt in my life when my "father" left. D is a wonderful man, He is an amazing father and I do love and respect him for that. Brett..you are correct. Just a moment of angst...it just seemed hars what was siad is all.
My perspective is clear...I understand children ALWAYS come first...that is not the issue. Keep in mind my friends, I don't have children. Choosing to be with him means I Will never have children of my own...as he made sure he can't have anymore. Both of the girls are teenagers..so we are already at the teen angst part of their lives..(we all had it)....
How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???0 -
Well I would consider being number 3 as being excellent. You do not come after the dog and hockey night (wait are you american?...let just say football night)0
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the kids will always be first, if you had children you would most likely put them in front of their father or anyone else as well. it doesn't mean he loves you less, just in a different way then he loves his daughters. as long as you're his number one and only romantic connection then you are number one in that aspect of his life, right?
JerseyJen..you hit the nail on the head....hearing him say that he loves me in a different way than he loves his daughters wouldn't have hurt at all....
He was not meaning to be hurtful at all. Sometimes we choose the wrong words....I appreciate all of you who are giving perspective from different views...it helps me a lot. I don't want to mess this up...0 -
IMHO - there is enough love to go around. You are a very important part of his life and he loves you but he nees needs to do what's best for his kids. That does not take anything away from you. I would get on board and make them just as important as your boyfriend.0
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I once met a man who had completely written off his daughter (completely - signed over parental rights) because the woman he was marrying told him too.
Would you want to marry that man?
WTF is wrong with people....0 -
Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.
That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.
It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?
It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.
Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.
The thing, I understand that 100%. I would NEVER want his girls to feel like I did. IT was probalby one of the worst things I Ever felt in my life when my "father" left. D is a wonderful man, He is an amazing father and I do love and respect him for that. Brett..you are correct. Just a moment of angst...it just seemed hars what was siad is all.
My perspective is clear...I understand children ALWAYS come first...that is not the issue. Keep in mind my friends, I don't have children. Choosing to be with him means I Will never have children of my own...as he made sure he can't have anymore. Both of the girls are teenagers..so we are already at the teen angst part of their lives..(we all had it)....
How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???
It's not going to be easy. You're a new woman in their life and odds are they still love their mother.
The best thing you can do is be good to their father and be there for them IF they need something. Being teens they're trying to prove their independence anyway, so the only thing they'll likely ask you for is a ride to the mall where you don't speak to them and drop them off where their friends can't see you.
Try your best to include them in things they would like to do. Know their interests and hobbies and try to relate to them. You were a teen girl once, you should be just fine.
Let them know you're not trying to be their mother, but you love their dad and you'd like to have a good relationship with them. It might be tough at first , but with any luck you'll get there.0 -
Runnnnnnnnnnnn0
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I didn't read the whole thread but wanted to offer my two cents.I am going to ask for advice...now, please don't make rude comments, or bash anyone else's advice as we are all individuals who have different opinions and values...
This may sound strange but I have dated a guy with sons...but never a guy with daughters. It seems that this is very different. Women or girls can be catty, competitive, or just down right *****y....
D is a WONDERFUL guy. He is a good father, treats me well, has a good job, is respectful, kind, funny, and handsome.
Here is the problem....we were talking last night and he said something to me that kind of stung...(I don't think he meant it to be so)
I know and respect that his daughters come first in his life and I never will...(sounds kind of depressing, I know). Last night he said something and it hurt me because he bascially told me that I was 3rd in his life. My heart dropped. I mean I know that his girls will come first...but is it too much to make me feel like I may be number 1 (just for a minute)??? It truly stung..and made me realize that I won't ever be his number one. He will always be mine...
His daughter Desiree asked him last night a bunch of questions...she is concerned (as she should be)...about he and I. She is 13 years old. When I was 13 years old my father remarried a woman and I never saw him again. It broke my heart..still hurts to this day that my father dropped me and my sis like a bad habit. So, I completely understand her feelings..more than he may know. She feels like her daddy won't love her anymore if he loves me....again, I understand her feelings....
I have never made his girls feel bad, been cruel to them or anything...and she has said as such...it is just one of those internal feelings you get.
The thing I Can't shake is that I will never feel important in his life....like he is in mine. He will always be the number one person in my life..I will love him, respect, take care of and support him..but if it came down to it and I needed him and his daughters needed him...I would be left in a heartbeat.
Am I nuts for feeling the way I do? I love him. He loves me. But I know that oftentimes...love isn't enough.
Is what I am saying making sense?
I had the exact same conversation with my wife when we first got together. I don't know how it came up (it was a LONG time ago), but she said essentially the same thing, that her daughter would always be number one (she was 2 when we got married, I am not her father). I didn't understand it and was hurt as well. I sucked up my feelings and dealt with it, but it always was a thorn in my side that I didn't understand...until my first son was born. At that moment, I knew exactly how she felt.
Now, that said, I would never have a conversation or make a statement like that to my wife (or kids). But I do understand how a parent can say that their kids are number one in their life. You do have to remember that love is not a zero sum game, though. A parents love for their child is very different than their love for their significant other, and however one ranks it (as foolish as that may be) does not mean there is not enough love to go around...it is quite the opposite actually, I believe.0 -
Seems like you've got the right perspective, just hearing a comment stung you.
That's part of KNOWING that his daughters come first. They are #1 in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you don't mean the world to him. Just that the kids come first. That's all.
It shows what a good father he is. And there's nothing more important than that. Would you still respect him if he was like your "father" (hard to call him that), who left you and your sister for some other woman?
It isn't easy. But it's better to be with a good man who's committed to his kids. That means he can also be committed to your relationship. If he were putting you ahead of his own children I'd be worried for you about the kind of guy you were with.
Good luck to you. You got this, just a moment of angst is all.
+10 -
Sure his girls should be nubmer one but I think it's almost like comparing apples and oranges. If you are the woman in his life and y'all are serious - maybe even considering marriage - then I'm not sure why he feels the need for you to "know your place" so to speak. Loving you and having you being the number one wpman in his life shouldn't take anything away from what he is to his daughters. There's no reason why all three of you cannot feel loved and equally (although in different ways.) important.0
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I've been there, and as a woman with no children of her own, I can tell you that yes, it's hard never being number one. But if you love him, then you love all of him, including the fact that he's a father and puts his kids first, and you love his kids because they are a part of him.
On the other side, it should be assumed, always, that the kids come first. If he feels the need to tell you that you're third, well, okay. But he only needs to say it once. Anything more than that is just hurtful. Trust me.0 -
Adding:
You mention that you know you can't have kids with him. Is this a "dealbreaker" that you don't want to admit or are you 100% OK with that? That's a huge deal to some people. I know I don't want kids at all which means I'd never be with someone who does.0 -
How can I assure Desiree that I do not want to take her dad away? I never want her to feel that way....I know all too well how that feels. His older daughter told him that she just wants him to be happy....they both are WONDERFUL kids. How do I take the steps to let them know that I love theri dad and that I love them too....without seeming like I want to buy their love or anything???
How about take them both out for a girls day? Pedicures, manicures, lunch, etc. Tell them what you've told us, about your own dad about wanting to be part of the family, etc. It might not help (they are teenagers) but it's the best you can do.0 -
The bottom line is, you're all VERY important to him. But his children will NEED him... you're a grown woman and do not. They often will need to come first (and really should, imo.)
However, I'd be curious to know what he says to his 13 year old that is afraid she'll be left in the dust if he dates you... He needs to reassure her and stand up for you. Just my opinon.
This.0 -
You're stung because he puts his kids above everything else? I can understand that, but I agree with other posters. That speaks highly of his character and honesty.
You'd really have to have kids to understand why he feels this way, but for now, try to understand that what he said wasn't about you, but really about his committment to being a parent. You and his kids aren't in the same category so try to think of it that way and assume you come first in the category you are in.0 -
I think a little of your issues with your father is playing into this in a different way than you'd think. You feel like he (your SO) can and will walk away at anytime because he loves his girls and as much as that is a jealous feeling it is also a completely natural feeling for someone who has had a parent walk away from them.
At the same time what I sense from how you are talking about things is that he very much loves you and it is reciprocal as you love him just as much, he also loves his kids and you have been very good to them. And it seems the fact that he is honest and open with everything that points me to believe that you are just as valued as his kids are to him. You may not see it, but he may feel it.
I don't think there is a need to second guess how things are as long as everyone is close, loving and happy.0 -
I'm a single mom with 4 kids. Their dad hasn't seen them in 2 years and for 4 years before that it was maybe 4 times a year, for a few hours.
I'm very protective of my kids and nobody will ever come before them. I haven't had a boyfriend since we split and maybe went out of a handful of one time dates. I'm very standoffish because I'm positive that I couldn't give everything to a relationship that it deserves. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to balance my time between my kids (and making them feel #1) and a boyfriend (and making him feel like the #1 boyfriend..or #5, poor guy)
Based on what your saying, your boyfriend is a really great guy and an even better father. He doesn't seem to have a problem with balancing his time between you and his daughters at all. Now he is going to move in with you which is taking your relationship to the next level. As his daughters get older and become less dependent, the relationship will change but they will always be #1 & #2 and I don't think you would have fallen in love with him if they weren't.
Good luck !0 -
when you have kids, you will see that he too will move from #1, to #2 or 3 or whatever number of kids there are. The fact that he puts them first shows who he is as a man and that is a commendable quality to have.0
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the kids will always be first, if you had children you would most likely put them in front of their father or anyone else as well. it doesn't mean he loves you less, just in a different way then he loves his daughters. as long as you're his number one and only romantic connection then you are number one in that aspect of his life, right?
This is exactly what I was thinking.. you are #1 in a romantic love and they are #1 in family love. Think of it this way.. if you ever have kids with him... you know exactly what kind of father your child is getting and as a mother, we all want that kind of father for our kids.. where he would do anything and lay down his life for them. They are only going to be "needy" of his time/attention for a short while... older teens and young adults really want their independence and so you are going to have plenty of #1 time with your man and he probably just wants you to understand that he already sees them growing independent and so if they want him to do something with them he is going to jump at the chance to spend that time with them as he sees it as slowly vanishing before his eyes.
Enjoy this man... sounds like you have a keeper!0 -
I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..
^This!
I am married to a man with 2(ages 11 and 15) girls. We have been together for 7 years. I have NEVER not once felt this way, and I'm sorry to say that if this is how you feel in the beginning you should probably not date this man. It's not a competition. You have to think of it as you are #1 girlfriend/spouse/other half.. if you cant accept that you will never be #1 in his WHOLE life, this is NOT the relationship for you. To me its the same as being jealous about him having a sister and mom!! Time to move on!0
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