Advice, please...dating a man with 2 daughters
Replies
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I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children, the parents say openly or tacitly, "We will stay together for the sake of the children." It places too much pressure on many children--especially those who are of an overly-sensitive nature. I have seen several cases where the unhappy parents then try to live through their children---pushing their children to strive to realize the parents' ambitions for them. The emphasis needs to be on every member of the family pleasing God with his/her life and that means honoring what He has decreed for the family. The New Testament insists that responsibility is placed first on the husband to "love his wife as Christ loved His Church and gave Himself up for "Her." Secondly, the wife is to show respect for her husband (whether she feels like it or not---but if the husband is selflessly putting himself out there for her and the children, it is a lot easier for the wife to show respect because she will FEEL it) and third in God's list of priorities is for children to obey their parents "in the Lord". This means that they would NEVER do anything immoral or illegal to please a parent (and this includes putting their life on hold to please a parent who has more invested in them than in his/her spouse) but should, instead, strive to please Him with their lives. This sets a child free and "it is for freedom that Christ set us free." It also frees the child of resentment toward a parent who seeks to dominate a child with his/her love. The Old Testament is replete with stories about parents who failed these tests that God has placed on families.
This kind of lines up with the 'obey your husband' which I had removed from my vows. I'm not gonna respect someone 'whether I want to or not' my respect is earned not a given.
Sorry, I have my faith, but my kids come 1st. I love my husband and he loves me. We have an amazing relationship and after 18 years still love spending time together. But if it came down to it and my family was drowning, I'm going for the kids hands down every time.0 -
It is natural to adore one's children but marriage is a supernatural test of love and commitment, meant to last a lifetime. Caring for children is demanding, especially in the early year, but as the children get more independent, many couples realize that their marriage leaves something to be desired. At that point, it is appropriate to seek help.
The early years were easy, it's the TEEN years that are difficult.0 -
In a short nutshell......
Youll never be number one like his kids. just get that in your head.
I have two kids - both are my number ones. I have a girl and a boy. There is no way in hell my boyfriend of six years now mind you, will EVER be on that 'number one level' that my children are on - and here's the catch - HE KNOWS THAT And he's not sitting around crying over it. he also feels the same way. We share one child together and i'm fairly certain that our son is his number one, and then I am next.
thats the deal with dating someone with kids. youll always be very important - but kids come first.
that's fairly simple.0 -
If you had biological children and he felt this way towards children that were biologically both of yours... would it still bother you?
I think parents SHOULD always put their children above their spouses. Always.0 -
if you have / had your own children you would know what he means. Its hard to compare love of a spouse to a love of your children. I have a daughter from my first mairraige, and my current hubby and I have a daughter together. The relationship takes a second seat, but at the same time it doesnt. You want to keep that relationship strong bcus you dont want the children to go through the transition again, or at all. Maybe just the wording was off, or lack of better words.
My children always come first no matter what, weather its my daughter from my previous mairrage or the one we have together. thats dsnt mean I care for him less. But I CAN live with out him, I just CANT live with out my children.0 -
My fiance has two daughters. One is 18 the other is 20. They have used and abused of him several times. They have demanded things without giving anything back. They are bratty, spoiled, horrible and talk very ill of my fiance. They are pretty much clones of his ex wife. I will go ahead and skip all the details and say that around Christmas, she was demanding to be on his insurance. (The 18 year old). When he didn't get back to her right away, she called me a b**ch, a wh*re, she called my children *kitten* and told him I needed to go suck a d***. Anyway, he still has has soft spot for these brats and still considered putting her on the insurance. We got into a huge argument over this. In fact, I am still bitter. The 18 year old used to live here but moved out because she got upset when I asked if she can keep her cat with her. Her cat was all over my scrapbooking material, and she didn't care at all. The cat was clawing at my fiance's expensive curtains. And he has special dogs that are sensitive to heat (they are expensive) and she locked herself in a room with her boyfriend to watch a movie while the dogs suffered in the heat outside and the cat walked all over the dining table. I told my fiance about this, she felt I was a "tattle tale" (seriously?) And she left. She just had a baby, and my fiance went over to her house on Christmas. The ex-wife was there. He took money and some christmas cards. I was LIVID that he was going over there. Supposedly it was to go see the baby. They ripped him to shreds, took his money and made fun of him. It irritates me that he allows them to treat him like that. I haven't said a word to the girls because I don't know what my position is on this. We aren't even married.
It's frustrating and has been a huge point of contention for us. I can't stand his daughters. They are complete heartless, greedy brats. He has tried to make excuses for them. I don't even know why I'm writing all this. Just know to be very careful treading these waters....it could cause serious issues if he feels glued to his daughters for whatever reason. It bothered me when his 18 year old lived here because she would wear skimpy outfits and talk and joke about sex to her DAD. It was so weird. In fact, it still p*sses me off.0 -
In a short nutshell......
Youll never be number one like his kids. just get that in your head.
I have two kids - both are my number ones. I have a girl and a boy. There is no way in hell my boyfriend of six years now mind you, will EVER be on that 'number one level' that my children are on - and here's the catch - HE KNOWS THAT And he's not sitting around crying over it. he also feels the same way. We share one child together and i'm fairly certain that our son is his number one, and then I am next.
thats the deal with dating someone with kids. youll always be very important - but kids come first.
that's fairly simple.
AGREE0 -
My girlfriend tells me I'm number 2 in her life, and she's number three in mine... I have two daughters and she has a son. If she told me I was #1, I wouldn't be okay with that.
1) You sound like you have daddy issues... it happens...
2) He's being 100% honest with you how it is, sounds like you didn't get that with the previous guy... get over it
3) If #3 isn't good enough, GTFO.. Nut up or shut up.
4) He phrased it wrong, you knew what he meant... and you're still bítching about? Attention whóre much?0 -
You have gotten a lot of comments to ensure you that your boyfriend's position regarding his children being first really proves that he is a good man and worthy of your love. I thought I would say something about step-parenting teenagers. I have a 14 year old stepson and I will tell you this honestly: there are days that are great and days that are the hardest thing I've ever done. Being a step-parent is hard work and being a step-parent to a teenager is pretty thankless a lot of the time! I am not saying it isn't worth it -- it is worth it. I love my husband and I love my step-son. But you are taking on a child who you did not help raise to this point, so there will be all kinds of little differences from small daily schedule/rules-type things to the bigger things like holiday traditions. These differences can really be hard to reconcile sometimes.
My advice is:
1) Take things with your boyfriend's daughters one day at a time and do your best to be honest with them and to be consistent. Over time, you will grow to love them and take pride in their accomplishments and when you look back at their growth you will feel like you're going to burst. It can be a strong and amazing relationship, but it is not a relationship you can take for granted -- you have to work to build it.
2) The one thing that can break that relationship down the fastest is if they feel that they lose any aspect of their relationship with their father because of you. Insist that your boyfriend takes one-on-one time with his daughters and that the three of them spend time together without you. Not all the time, mind you -- you definitely want to build "family time" that includes all of you -- but they need the time with their father without the "stress" of having somebody new to the family there.
Best of luck -- it sounds like you have a good man, and you yourself have a good attitude, and this relationship can be great, if that's what you decide you want!0 -
My girlfriend tells me I'm number 2 in her life, and she's number three in mine... I have two daughters and she has a son. If she told me I was #1, I wouldn't be okay with that.
1) You sound like you have daddy issues... it happens...
2) He's being 100% honest with you how it is, sounds like you didn't get that with the previous guy... get over it
3) If #3 isn't good enough, GTFO.. Nut up or shut up.
4) He phrased it wrong, you knew what he meant... and you're still bítching about? Attention whóre much?
Yes! The kids come first and you need to be the adult and know that it's not all about you.0 -
I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children, the parents say openly or tacitly, "We will stay together for the sake of the children." It places too much pressure on many children--especially those who are of an overly-sensitive nature. I have seen several cases where the unhappy parents then try to live through their children---pushing their children to strive to realize the parents' ambitions for them. The emphasis needs to be on every member of the family pleasing God with his/her life and that means honoring what He has decreed for the family. The New Testament insists that responsibility is placed first on the husband to "love his wife as Christ loved His Church and gave Himself up for "Her." Secondly, the wife is to show respect for her husband (whether she feels like it or not---but if the husband is selflessly putting himself out there for her and the children, it is a lot easier for the wife to show respect because she will FEEL it) and third in God's list of priorities is for children to obey their parents "in the Lord". This means that they would NEVER do anything immoral or illegal to please a parent (and this includes putting their life on hold to please a parent who has more invested in them than in his/her spouse) but should, instead, strive to please Him with their lives. This sets a child free and "it is for freedom that Christ set us free." It also frees the child of resentment toward a parent who seeks to dominate a child with his/her love. The Old Testament is replete with stories about parents who failed these tests that God has placed on families.
This kind of lines up with the 'obey your husband' which I had removed from my vows. I'm not gonna respect someone 'whether I want to or not' my respect is earned not a given.
It isn't a matter of actually "respecting"--respect must be earned and it is dependent on the behavior of the person who seeks to be respected. What I said was that a wife is to treat her husband with respect "whether she FEELS like it or not"---love and commitment are acts of the will--not one's emotion which waxes and wanes. When the Bible speaks of a wife "respecting" her husband, it means that she is to treat him with respect---something that is sorely lacking in our culture. It may well be that male standards of behavior are the cause--BUT this should not be the case in a husband who is submitted to Christ. By extension, while we do NOT respect every person in our hearts, as believers, we are committed to TREATING all people with respect and much more our husbands who are supposed to carry the greatest burden of caring for the family. These are the ideals that God has put forward--when we stray from them, there can be trouble.0 -
It is natural to adore one's children but marriage is a supernatural test of love and commitment, meant to last a lifetime. Caring for children is demanding, especially in the early year, but as the children get more independent, many couples realize that their marriage leaves something to be desired. At that point, it is appropriate to seek help.
The early years were easy, it's the TEEN years that are difficult.
Yes--counselors are fond of saying that whatever was left undone in the 0-6 ages of children will come back to urgency in the teen years (and healthy teens are the first ones to remind you of every deficiency).
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Ok so being a step mom sucks, you will always be the bad guy, the kids will run to their mom and tattle every time you try to discipline them ect. There will be a lot of tension and arguing especially when both girls are teens. My best advice is dont date someone with kids unless they are babies and you are there from the beginning! Sometimes they will be nice and let you in, and sometimes they will be little brats for no reason at all, like I said the step parent thing sucks. If you want to be first in someone's life find someone single. Oh and someone who isnt a huge momma's boy!!!!
This is crazy. Being a step mom does NOT suck. At. All. And yes, i can say this because I am a stepmom of two girls 11 and 15 and have been for 7 years! I have had nothing but great experiences - to ME being the one person they CAN turn to for advice because i'm not a "parent" and most times i am the mediator between mom and dad. Being a parent to a teen is trying for everyone. Its all about the respect that the father shows toward you as a stepmom. Yes, kids will test your patience and yes they will def try and push buttons and turn each parent against the other. This happens whether your the step-parent or the biological parents that are still together. Thats when its the parents responsibility to all get on one page and deal with it. If either one of my stepdaughters were to treat me like crap or disrespect me, my husband would put a firm stop on that. He will not allow it. Maybe it's because I have a great relationship with the mother and her and I talk all the time and deal with situations together rather than against eachother. ANYWAYS, being a stepmom does not suck. I find it very rewarding!!0 -
I have two children from my marriage. My boyfriend does not have any kids (and we won't be having any of our own). Yes, children are important but having a life for yourself is important too. My kids aren't more important than my boyfriend and my boyfriend isn't more important than my kids. They are ALL equally important. I don't love my kids the way I love my boyfriend - so he is number 1 in that aspect and I don't love my boyfriend the way I love my kids - so they are number 1 in that aspect. I totally get making sure your kids are a priority and are shown they are important - especially after divorce or separation of their parents. But, you can't put them ahead of your own happiness either. At some point, they'll grow up and they will have their own lives.
What I'm trying to say is.. the ones you love are priorities regardless of your relationship with them. And you have to remember to separate the relationships. Otherwise someone ends up feeling left behind and resentful.0 -
Ok so being a step mom sucks, you will always be the bad guy, the kids will run to their mom and tattle every time you try to discipline them ect. There will be a lot of tension and arguing especially when both girls are teens. My best advice is dont date someone with kids unless they are babies and you are there from the beginning! Sometimes they will be nice and let you in, and sometimes they will be little brats for no reason at all, like I said the step parent thing sucks. If you want to be first in someone's life find someone single. Oh and someone who isnt a huge momma's boy!!!!
This is crazy. Being a step mom does NOT suck. At. All. And yes, i can say this because I am a stepmom of two girls 11 and 15 and have been for 7 years! I have had nothing but great experiences - to ME being the one person they CAN turn to for advice because i'm not a "parent" and most times i am the mediator between mom and dad. Being a parent to a teen is trying for everyone. Its all about the respect that the father shows toward you as a stepmom. Yes, kids will test your patience and yes they will def try and push buttons and turn each parent against the other. This happens whether your the step-parent or the biological parents that are still together. Thats when its the parents responsibility to all get on one page and deal with it. If either one of my stepdaughters were to treat me like crap or disrespect me, my husband would put a firm stop on that. He will not allow it. Maybe it's because I have a great relationship with the mother and her and I talk all the time and deal with situations together rather than against eachother. ANYWAYS, being a stepmom does not suck. I find it very rewarding!!
Congratulations on your success as a step-mom. As a Biblical counselor, I have experience dealing with blended families and with the proper and positive attitudes of everyone involved, there can be great blessings gained from step-parenting. Ruth (from the Book of Ruth in the Bible) is an example of someone who totally loved and respected her "step-mom" (Naomi was actually her mother-in-law but Ruth was as devoted to her as any daughter--so you get the idea). Their relationship brought many blessings to both women and when Naomi encouraged Ruth to marry Boaz (Naomi's son, Ruth's husband, had died) she looked with joy on their son as if he were her own natural grandson. And that grandson, was one of the ancestors of Jesus. A great blessing indeed. Love never ends. "There are three things that will endure--faith, hope, and love---and the greatest of these is love." (1 Cor. 13:13) Blessings will come to you for "standing in the gap" for your stepdaughters.
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I think you never coming before his daughters says something about what kind of father he is. That is a good thing in my book..
^^^ My thoughts exactly. Just think what a great father he will be if you happen to have children together. Not much advice I know. I will tell you my husband and I have a 5 year old son together and I will always be second to him. I'm ok with that! 0 -
Dont really have any advice but just wanted to say this. I get where your feelings are coming from and it has to be a very hard situation. As a single Mom whose little boy never sees his Dad cause Dad has decided other things are more important I look at your situation and the way you describe your relationship and say thats one heck of a guy to put his kids first and consistently be in there lives and still lets you know that he loves you! Good luck!!0
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I have two children from my marriage. My boyfriend does not have any kids (and we won't be having any of our own). Yes, children are important but having a life for yourself is important too. My kids aren't more important than my boyfriend and my boyfriend isn't more important than my kids. They are ALL equally important. I don't love my kids the way I love my boyfriend - so he is number 1 in that aspect and I don't love my boyfriend the way I love my kids - so they are number 1 in that aspect. I totally get making sure your kids are a priority and are shown they are important - especially after divorce or separation of their parents. But, you can't put them ahead of your own happiness either. At some point, they'll grow up and they will have their own lives.
What I'm trying to say is.. the ones you love are priorities regardless of your relationship with them. And you have to remember to separate the relationships. Otherwise someone ends up feeling left behind and resentful.
Agreed0 -
I have two children from my marriage. My boyfriend does not have any kids (and we won't be having any of our own). Yes, children are important but having a life for yourself is important too. My kids aren't more important than my boyfriend and my boyfriend isn't more important than my kids. They are ALL equally important. I don't love my kids the way I love my boyfriend - so he is number 1 in that aspect and I don't love my boyfriend the way I love my kids - so they are number 1 in that aspect. I totally get making sure your kids are a priority and are shown they are important - especially after divorce or separation of their parents. But, you can't put them ahead of your own happiness either. At some point, they'll grow up and they will have their own lives.
What I'm trying to say is.. the ones you love are priorities regardless of your relationship with them. And you have to remember to separate the relationships. Otherwise someone ends up feeling left behind and resentful.
That's what I said about my marriage. I still can't fathom how people can't see that children aren't in the same category as signifigant other.0 -
I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children..
I'm eliminating all the religious crap cause I don't believe in that. But I do not think that children should come first. This is what is wrong with society. Instead of teaching their children a sense of belonging to something greater ( a family in this example ) and earning their place, they are placed on a pedestal and given a medal just for being born. Not to mention how many people have lost their own identity because they are no longer John or Jane but they are not Jimmy's dad/mom. Sorry. Nope. I love my daughters and I would indeed do just about anything for them, but it's not simply because they were born from my dna.0 -
Hi Awesome,
He sounds like a typical guy - opening his mouth before thinking.
My advice - talk to him.
And good luck with your role as a step-mum. I know it can be an extremely tough gig or it could be brilliant.
And I hope its brilliant!0 -
I'm dating a woman with a daughter, she basically says she loves her this much (hand up in the air) and I'm juuuuuust below that.
I'm fine with it.
There's 10x a day I'm the most important person she sees, or loves or cares about, when her daughter is at the grandparents or her real fathers, or in bed sleeping. (she's almost 2 years old btw)
At the end of the day , I feel it's still 'us'. All 3 of us. I love them both, and love her more than her daughter but keep mind that it's in different ways.
Keep in mind you're second to none, as far as WOMEN go. That's why he is with YOU, and nobody else in that category.
You're #1 in a lot more ways than you may think. 0 -
I don't have kids, but I've dated women who had kids... personally I would always put my kids first, and I would expect the same out of anyone else... its part of being a good parent (and although I may not have my own kids, I was more of a father to the kids of the women I dated than their own fathers ever were). Your post comes off a little jealous, and I get that, because you want to feel wanted, and if he can't show you that he does want you too then there is a problem that you guys need to work on. But don't ever try to come between a father and his kids because you'll lose if you make him decide between you and them.0
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I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of a "child-centered" family. I have seen so many cases where an unhealthy marriage has been allowed to founder, and because the parents' first allegiance is to their children, the parents say openly or tacitly, "We will stay together for the sake of the children." It places too much pressure on many children--especially those who are of an overly-sensitive nature. I have seen several cases where the unhappy parents then try to live through their children---pushing their children to strive to realize the parents' ambitions for them.
YES! I do agree with this. I know that when my children got double digits (I had been home with them full time since birth), I instinctively knew it was time to start modeling something more for them. This included going back to school, travel, and spending more time with husband and friends. They felt a bit left behind at first, but they now respect their parents and see us as whole people and NOT just etities at their disposal.
Sometimes, leaving them to their own struggles is a very good thing.0 -
well said...0
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I have two children from my marriage. My boyfriend does not have any kids (and we won't be having any of our own). Yes, children are important but having a life for yourself is important too. My kids aren't more important than my boyfriend and my boyfriend isn't more important than my kids. They are ALL equally important. I don't love my kids the way I love my boyfriend - so he is number 1 in that aspect and I don't love my boyfriend the way I love my kids - so they are number 1 in that aspect. I totally get making sure your kids are a priority and are shown they are important - especially after divorce or separation of their parents. But, you can't put them ahead of your own happiness either. At some point, they'll grow up and they will have their own lives.
What I'm trying to say is.. the ones you love are priorities regardless of your relationship with them. And you have to remember to separate the relationships. Otherwise someone ends up feeling left behind and resentful.
I totally agree with you. Kids are important; but, as you noted, the two relationships are totally different. You can't compare the love you have with a guy you sleep with and are physical with to that of a child's. They are NOT the same - totally different. Also, I'd be extremely concerned if from the start the guy is indicating you will always come second - I'm not someone who needs to be cared for like a child and my expectations would be different from a child's. Where's the actual conversation about making sure that as a step-parent, said children will show respect toward that parent? It's right easy to make a child realize that the person their daddy or mommy married isn't important and that's just adding an excuse to allow them to treat you wrong. Parents need to clarify this sort of relationship and explain to their children that my 'partner' is not the same as a parent/child relationship. Please drop the "your second" in the relationship comments and realize that there are no seconds or firsts - there are only relationships and they are not equal or similar or beneath another - in fact they don't even meet the same criteria. I certainly would probably run screaming from a marriage if I knew I was going to be washing his laundry, feeding him daily, driving him everywhere, and cleaning the house, raising children AND then maybe I'll be treated like his best friend? I would definitely have a long talk about what a relationship between the two of you would mean and exactly where his expectations are as to you being a step-parent.
Basically, I'm expecting love, passion, commitment, support as a partner - not treatment that makes me a second class citizen harem girl. I suspect this is why I would never marry someone with children. I don't want to be treated like wallpaper - it certainly is setting the stage for the kids treating you like that from the start if a person tells you that you're not worthy of their love - only as a secondary. I believe marriage is a permanent commitment - 2nd marriages even more so as the first failed. If you can't commit to a real relationship, wait till the kids grow up and THEN remarry. If not, you'll only make yourself and your partner miserable is you are going to treat them like they aren't important. I despise this classification system. It's just plain wrong and belittles relationships.0 -
You are very right to be concerned. I'm going to go against the crowd here and say that I would never marry a man who didn't have his relationship with God as the first priority among his relationships (I am a Christian). God sets the relationship priorities after that and He insists that a husband and wife are "of one flesh" which means that the marriage relationship is closer than any other human relationship and that NO ONE is to come between marital partners (not parents, not children). The marriage relationship is sacred---it is a picture of the relationship of Christ to His Church and He is "closer than a brother".
The relationship with one's children must be secondary to the marriage, if the marriage is going to be a good one. One day, his daughters will find spouses and then, hopefully, their husbands will come first in their lives. I have done too much marriage counseling where parents of the spouses were a higher priority and it introduces a whole world of hurt for the spouse who is playing second-fiddle to a father-in-law or mother-in-law. It is setting a bad example for his daughters for him to insist that they would come before his wife. Would he have them place a higher priority on their relationship with him than that with their own husbands? I frequently see the marital destruction that produces. In the course of life, parents die, and children grow up, marry and move away, but marriage is permanent---as it was intended to be. I have been married to my husband for forty years, and if God wills, we will have another 10 to 20 years together before one of us leaves this earth. What other earthly relationship has (or should have) that enduring closeness? No other.
Well said!0
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