Book Club: Women Food and God (Author: Geneen Roth)

I think being nervous is appropriate. I didn't expect to feel so vulnerable sharing what I was thinking/feeling, but it seriously took me HOURS to write the little response I wrote. I would write something, delete, edit, write, delete, edit over and over again. That process is what lead me to my discovery--- not the reading itself. It was very hard to put into words.

Ladies,

I appreciated so much the reading. I am going to request the book through the library but I am sure I will be on a waiting list for awhile.

As I reflected on the questions I realized something about myself as well. I am terrified of failure and will do anything to make sure that doesn't happen. It is one reason MFP works for me...I don't want to fail in front of all of these people. E~ I understand the money thing as well. Money was tight in a lot of ways growing up. My siblings and I joke about not even wanting to tell our parents when we needed notebooks for school because purchasing them was such a big deal. For me money became a really big deal when I was allowed to go on a trip to Germany with my aunt. I was there for 7 weeks and gained 15#s. I was only 13 and weighed 95 going and 110 coming home. When I came down the ramp at the airport my mother didn't even recognize me until I was right next to her and spoke to her! Then it was in college...my Dad was very negative about the whole thing. I was the first to go to college and my high school grades were only average. My father didn't think I would be accepted into the nursing program but I was and then the $$ issues again. I have very little spending money. There were many social activities that I didn't participate in because of money. Even scrounging enough to do laundry was an issue. I remember one really bad day. I didn't do well on a test (a C+) and I walked a long way to a convenient store, spent the $3.00 that I had on all junk food. Started walking back but made this insane detour through a wooded area. Even though I had scrapes from the brambles and such climbing up this hill, I did it to eat the whole thing in private. I never told anyone about it. I got to the dorm and then threw-up. This started a binge purge pattern. Eventually I got scared and didn't want to "fail" so I stopped.
When I wanted to marry, very few people were supportive. My mom cried and said she would help with the wedding but I had to plan the whole thing (dresses, flowers, reception etc) for under $800.00. I did. The nursing instructors told me straight out that they were not going to pass me the next year because I was married (being a married nursing student was once taboo). Well, I did pass and I made Dean's List and received several awards! But that year was tough! My husband a recent grad had not found a good job yet and after my graduation when we decided to start our family things were again really bad. Money was tight and I was stressed because our income was based on me. I was so sick throwing up 8-12 times per day. I was throwing up in my patients bathrooms and having to explain that I wasn't sick, just pregnant. Despite that I gained 15# in my first trimester and 50 through the whole thing! I left my job when my husband secured a better paying job. Whenever money gets tight...I eat. There was one exception. Things here had gotten so bad a couple of years ago when my husband lost his job and we lost our house...that I lost weight. I was so upset I couldn't eat (a first). I choked down a half of a sleeve of saltines per day for 14 weeks. I was taking max strenght Zantac twice a day.

I am as terrified of the no money thing as I am of failure...they go hand in hand. My Dad measures success by money, so as long as we can pay the bills, OK but if things get tight...I am a failure.

OK...enough purging for now. I feel sick.

D

Just thought I'd check in real quick. When I went to Borders to purchase this book, it was $24 but with my reward card it came up $16, so for those who are waiting for the library to carry it or just can't afford it right now, this may be an option for you.

Since reading and journaling the first 2 chapters I've noticed a change in my eating patterns already. I'm already making better choices and slowing down to really figure out when I'm full. Also at restaurants I'm boxing half immediatly before digging into my dish. I really hope this is a sign of more positive things to come!

I may plug into chapter 3 today and journal since this seems to be quite a process! :laugh:

Great responses so far!

Wow, I truly thought I was alone in the money issues. Thanks for your input D, Beautiful, and Fab. If you can't get the book yet, you can go to Amazon.com and get a sneak peak at parts of the book. Just keep clicking on Surprise Me!

Weekends are hard for me so this is going to be a challenge. I tend to overeat and oversnack, under exercise and underdo my water intake. I will definitely be more aware of it this weekend.

My toolbox contains my iTouch (that I won at the work Christmas party) so I can take it with me and keep track of my food, water, and exercise even without the computer. What a relief to find you guys. See you Monday!

This has been very hard and I haven't even started the book yet! Just thinking about the questions made me think about things I have been trying to block out for most of my life.
I am actually having a harder time staying on my plan this week. Has anyone else had this happen? Junk has been calling my name like it hasn't in almost a year! And I've been answering even as I tell myself I don't need to.
Well, here are my reflections on this weeks questions:

Week 1 Discussion Question: As you read Chapters 1 and 2 reflect back to see if you have a memory of using food as a child to medicate or punish yourself. Journal about this incident.

I know I was a slender, normal weight child until the summer between kindergarten and first grade. I started really putting on weight that summer but I cannot think of any reason why! It wasn't school--I loved my school and all the teachers there.

It was probably related to my father as I know that when I got a little older he had a 'pair of hands' on him (inappropriate touching). For the longest time I didn't even know why I no longer wanted to be around him--sexual abuse was not a topic back then!

He was also very controlling and physically abusive (with my brothers), though that did not last long as my mother would not let him discipline them after the first time he went too far. (Divorce was also a word I had never heard at that time!)

I do remember him marking the soda bottles so he would know if anyone had had any of 'his' soda while he was gone and he would also put the meat for the meal in front of him and only let us have one piece while he ate all he wanted. Thinking about it now--he was a really sick man--AND he had the power!

So, that must be when and why my overeating started.

Respond here this week: Tell us about a memory you may have of medicating or punishing yourself with food. What was the trigger? Have you seen this pattern repeat itself throughout your life? How can you deal with these triggers today? How can you stay in control without medicating with food?

Lately I eat because I'm bored or overtired but I know that in the past I would use food whenever a relationship started going bad.

When things were good I was okay but as soon as things got tense I would eat, and eat, and eat--sometimes until I felt sick!

This pattern has mostly stopped but not completely--I still make bad choices when I am tense or stressed but I no longer eat until I feel ill. Usually i stop myself and tell myself that I can have more later if I really want it.

I guess it is good that I have already recognised the pattern but I still need to work on better responses to these situations

Respond here this week: Tell us about a memory you may have of medicating or punishing yourself with food. What was the trigger? Have you seen this pattern repeat itself throughout your life? How can you deal with these triggers today? How can you stay in control without medicating with food?

My childhood memories are more of me sitting alone in an empty room (cafeteria or home) and refusing to eat the food provided. At school, the canned peas, peaches, etc. were so gross, that I refused to eat them. I was the only one left in the cafeteria, staring at my food tray, refusing to eat. Meanwhile, I heard the kids playing on the playground.
At home, I was alone in the kitchen, the dishes were done, and the dishwasher was humming. I still refused to eat the liver (or whatever). Everyone else had left the table a long time ago.
In the end, in both scenarios, I was finally given a disgusted reprieve by the authority figure. In essence, I had won.

I was never over weight as a child, but I need to reflect further, to see how this food/control paradigm has affected me as an adult.

How do I "follow" this topic? Just bought the book and ready to get started.

It's so nice to see examples of what other people struggle with. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. I like how Geneen puts lots of examples in her book and how we are all able to express our stories.

I read chapter 4 and the truth that I have been living with is that I'm not good enough. I was a little perturbed when she said you need to find happiness in the now and live and love life just as you are. My first thought was that if we could do that we wouldn't be fat. I closed the book and went to sleep a little upset. Did I just miss something that was supposed to make a difference? I understand living in the moment and being aware and feeling my feelings instead of eating but where did hapiness come in?

Oh, BTW, I lost 5 lbs this week. Yay me!

Discussion Answer 1 (Chapter 3)
I just about cried my way through Chapter 3! The feelings she has about her husband passing away are ones I have felt my entire life about my family. I am terrified of losing a loved one and always have been. I can remember, even as early as 5 years old, adding "if someone has to die please let it be me" to my nightly prayer. These thoughts terrorized me for years. Over time, I learned to keep my mind from wandering to such dark places but I am still afraid that if I let myself, I will go right back to the scared child I always was. To know that Roth has felt this same irrational fear and was able to overcome it is such a relief to me. I have never before had hope that I could overcome this until now.

Discussion Answer 2 (Chapter 4)
I binged all week. I haven't done this in years, and despite the craziness that comes with binging, I am happy it happened because I had forgotten what it was like. I do not think I could answer this question appropriately without my terrible week. What was I avoiding? ANY feeling of discomfort, unease, guilt, etc. I am always scared that every "bad" feeling will be the one to push me over the edge, to take me from the point of being a stressed person to a person who is losing her mind. The things that are stressing me out are laughable, really. I had to make some calls to change some plans. Really, that's it. For some reason, I feel obligated to say "yes, yes, yes" to everyone, and I was in a panic over having to tell a few people "no" even though the reasons for it were out of my control. That said, I NEVER say no to something simply because I don't want to do it. I am always going this place, that place, doing this thing or that thing when I really do not want to.

Amanda, regarding you answer for chapter 4, that's exactly what Oprah said. She hated saying no to people because of the guilt, even when it was out of her control. She was almost in tears about it. It's giving up your power to say yes when you don't want to. Why don't you want to be powerful? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious because I'm trying to explore why I don't feel worthy. :ohwell:

I reread chapter 4 and decided that being happy in the now is going to be a goal but I'm not there yet. I think there may be some work for me to do. I do know that I need to dig deeper into this feeling of not being good enough.

I am miserable in my job and a friend referred me to a recruiter. I was not in her arena so she referred me to another person. This guy didn't return my call for whole day, no biggie. I called him again and he asked me to call him at a certain time later that day. I called and he wasn't there. He didn't call me until 6:00 that night (I missed the call). We finally connected and we set up a time to meet. He didn't show... he went to the wrong office in a different city. My friend was furious, she said I needed to tell her contact what was happening. I just let it go. My recruiter apologized and set up another call. When I called at the time he said, he was on the other line and said he would call me back. I finally told him that wasn't going to work for me! He got off the other line but ugh!! I think I might be letting him walk on me. Do I deserve better than that? Is this standard practice? I'm so confused. I get scared to ask for more because... wow, I really have to think about why I'm scared. I guess I think something is better than nothing even if that means settling for less that what I deserve.

Ok, here are my responses to Chapter 3 and Chapter 4. This book really does make you dig deep! I thought all this boiled down to just one thing, but as I continue, I've noticed more and more things come up. Sooo....

Chapter 3:

So to answer the question….I’m honestly not sure what it is I’m afraid to face. There are always the usual suspects of rejection, judgment from others, never feeling like I’m good enough. Is there something more though? What has brought me to this point?! The answer has to be staring me in the face, but am I too blind to see it?? I’m afraid of confrontation….I become passive-aggressive and laugh though confrontational situations. Whether it is with my mother, my co-workers, my husband or friends….as though I don’t really want to rock the boat but want to express myself. This may stem from my mother rejecting me after I moved out of her home when I was 16. Or it could be from my ex-husband….I finally stood up for myself and said “Enough!” and was abandoned. Why is this coming up again now in my life? When I seem most happy? Is it because if I stand up for my spirituality and my beliefs I fear Matt (my hubby) with reject me too? If I stand up to my friends they will abandon me as well? It seems so rediculous. God, when I read this stuff, I make my husband look like an *kitten*, but I assure you that's not the case! LOL!! I overthink things out of fear. My husband must support me and want to be around me or he wouldn't have married me. I mean my beliefs haven't changed. But I really believe the core of the issue here is abadonment. I have a huge fear of the people I care about the most leaving me. It's happened in the past.

Chapter 4:

In this chapter I found that I am trying to 'flatten' a few issues. I didn't really think about it before, but I really don't like the work I do. I work in accounting because that's where I got stuck.....one job led to another which led to another, you get the idea. I make decent money now, but I really don't enjoy what I do. I need something more creative, more interactive....something that makes a difference! I'm stilll not sure what that is though. You would think by now I would have it figured out, I'm 31 after all, but I can't for the life of me figure it out. And thinking more and more about it, I tend to snack more at work. I thought it was out of boredom (and I'm sure that's part of it), but now I know it's because I really don't enjoy what I'm doing.

And recently I found out that I'm probably going to be laid off toward the beginning of next year.....this needs to be the time of big change for me. I need to figure out a career change for sure. My dream job right now? Stay at home mom. I never in a milion years thought I would enjoy this, but being on maternity leave with my son has changed my mind. I didn't enjoy it at all with my daughter 10 years ago but the circumstances were way different. Now that I'm older, in town, have family around me, and am wiser.....I love the time I'm spending with him. I know financially it's not realistic though. :- ( My second dream job would be to do something with a non-profit....it could involve some accounting, but not all the time all day. I need some sort of variety, I need to feel like what I'm doing is making a difference! Switching careers is scary....I can't really afford a pay cut and I need insurance for my family. Sigh.....this needs to be figured out or I'm going to just be like that woman in this chapter!!

The abadonment issue still lingers there in the background, but this job thing sure does add an interesting twist to the situation. Now what??

bump

I was just looking at picking up a different book by Geneen Roth. I hope to catch up on this thread (which I don't have time to read in it's entirety right now) and perhaps pick up this book shortly, maybe while I am out tomorrow. Wish you all well. :flowerforyou: