Book Club: Women Food and God (Author: Geneen Roth)

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Replies

  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    So glad to have you join us sweet4keeps! Jump right in the discussion when you get a chance. You don't have to catch up right away. Just start with us where we are this week. :heart:
  • EboniA
    EboniA Posts: 181 Member
    Hi everyone. Sometimes I can only answer one question at a time because I get so consumed. :smile:

    Well said Sharon! Your post made me think that it's also about the way we allow others to treat us. It's funny how we are all here to relate with each other but we forget to take care of ourselves first. :flowerforyou:

    Chapter 5: I am not broken. I treated myself badly and allowed other to treat me badly for a long time. I had a lightbulb moment from watching Losing It with Jillian last night. Spoiler alert... the couple's weight gain started with losing their 30 day old baby 22 years ago. I had a miscarriage when I was 23 and never associated it with my weight gain but that was a significant heart-wrenching event in my life. I wanted that baby more than anything and I was fully ready. My bf was a jerk and didn't support me so he was relieved when I miscarried. I feel like I had to take on the burden of grief alone, just like the wife in the show. I felt broken and continued to tell myself that story over and over until right now. I wasn't good enough for my father, my boyfriend, my child......... ugh, that is so NOT TRUE! They weren't good enough for that baby or for me. But I am good enough, for my husband, my 2 kids, my life, and myself! I am worthy!
  • bajohnston
    bajohnston Posts: 2 Member
    will look for it today when i am out.
  • lynne1014
    lynne1014 Posts: 2
    After seeing Geneen Roth on Oprah, I knew I had to have this book. I've read the Prologue so far. This could be a great forum for book discussion. Let me know if anyone is interested. I've struggled with my weight almost my entire life. The last few years I added depression to the struggle. Hopefully we will all have the "light" come on, like Oprah, and our iives will be changed.
  • lynne1014
    lynne1014 Posts: 2
    Gee, i feel silly. I did not scroll all the way down and missed all the great notes. I try to catch up with everyone.
  • EboniA
    EboniA Posts: 181 Member
    Welcome newbies. :flowerforyou: Everyone's journey is different but you never know what enlightenment you might spark in someone else with your story. Feel free to catch up in your own time. We'll be here.

    Chapter 6: In reading this chapter my first focus was on "the end goal" which is that place where we want to get to, where everything becomes good. It's like a doorway that we cross over. BUT that is not what really exists. I think too many people wait for that moment like they're going to recognize it. What I'm getting from this chapter is that we need to start being aware of the beauty within us now and not wait for some magical threshold. With that being said, the truth, awareness, and presence are clearer to me. My truth is that I never succeeded at diets because feeling forced to follow rules or take pills went against my nature. I am pretty strong willed but I would try it for a little while only to fail. I am still learning the awareness part. I ate Wendy's tonight but I was aware of how hungry I was. I didn't overeat beyond fullness. I can't even tell you how many things I easily turned down because I didn't want it or more importantly, need it!!! I don't really get the difference between awareness and presence. Maybe it's the kindness GR speaks of. Maybe it's accepting the fact that I ate Wendy's and I don't feel bad about it. :wink:
  • pmjsmom
    pmjsmom Posts: 1,926 Member
    I'm a bit behind but I really had to think about this chapter's question!

    2. In Chapter 4 she states that weight is only the by-product of what happens when you use food to "flatten" your life. It's not really about the food, it is about your beiief it's not possible to live any other way. If we want to make changes we must face our fears and address what we don't want to deal with. Let's dig deep to find out what it is we are avoiding. Is it a bad marriage, bad job, terrible childhood, low self-esteem, money problems??? All of the above??? We are going to have to muster up a boldness to really discover what it is we are avoiding. It is scarey because when we identify this, we must address it in order to change.

    I don't think I've been 'flattening' my life anymore. I truly don't.

    The reason I say this is that when I finally started doing what I wanted to do with my life (about 2 years ago), I also started losing weight! I was no longer under all the stress from a job I was unhappy in and I was no longer living near unpleasant-to say the least!- neighbors!

    Over the years I made many changes in the way I lived.

    I would not allow ANYONE to force my kids to eat if they were not hungry. That was a biggie because the 'clean plate club' was a rule that was strictly enforced. There were a number of arguemwnts with my mother about that when the kids and I had to live with her for a year.

    I also made a conscious effort to hug my kids and let them know they were loved. I always 'knew' my mother loved us but there wasn't much, if any, hugging in our home.

    Something interesting happened about 2 weeks ago--a former co-worker from the garden center where I work came by to shop. She saw me and said,"My God! All this time and you couldn't find anything better to do?" I surprised myself by looking at her and saying,"Actually, no! I love working here!"

    I would never have done that a few years ago. I would have made excuses and then wondered why I wasn't doing 'better'. Now, though, I am happy--with my life and, more importantly, with MYSELF!

    I know I still have a ways to go but I truly think I am well along on my journey.
  • KarenECunningham
    KarenECunningham Posts: 419 Member
    I am in. I read the first two books she wrote years ago. I wish I had truly applied the wisdom of the books to my life years ago. I will purchase her latest book. She is a great writer and very honest about her own struggles with emotional over-eating.:flowerforyou:
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    I am in. I read the first two books she wrote years ago. I wish I had truly applied the wisdom of the books to my life years ago. I will purchase her latest book. She is a great writer and very honest about her own struggles with emotional over-eating.:flowerforyou:

    Hi Karen,
    We are so glad you are in! I saw the book in Target yesterday for $16.00. A great investment in you! You deserve it!
    S
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    I'm a bit behind but I really had to think about this chapter's question!

    2. In Chapter 4 she states that weight is only the by-product of what happens when you use food to "flatten" your life. It's not really about the food, it is about your beiief it's not possible to live any other way. If we want to make changes we must face our fears and address what we don't want to deal with. Let's dig deep to find out what it is we are avoiding. Is it a bad marriage, bad job, terrible childhood, low self-esteem, money problems??? All of the above??? We are going to have to muster up a boldness to really discover what it is we are avoiding. It is scarey because when we identify this, we must address it in order to change.

    I don't think I've been 'flattening' my life anymore. I truly don't.

    The reason I say this is that when I finally started doing what I wanted to do with my life (about 2 years ago), I also started losing weight! I was no longer under all the stress from a job I was unhappy in and I was no longer living near unpleasant-to say the least!- neighbors!

    Over the years I made many changes in the way I lived.

    I would not allow ANYONE to force my kids to eat if they were not hungry. That was a biggie because the 'clean plate club' was a rule that was strictly enforced. There were a number of arguemwnts with my mother about that when the kids and I had to live with her for a year.

    I also made a conscious effort to hug my kids and let them know they were loved. I always 'knew' my mother loved us but there wasn't much, if any, hugging in our home.

    Something interesting happened about 2 weeks ago--a former co-worker from the garden center where I work came by to shop. She saw me and said,"My God! All this time and you couldn't find anything better to do?" I surprised myself by looking at her and saying,"Actually, no! I love working here!"

    I would never have done that a few years ago. I would have made excuses and then wondered why I wasn't doing 'better'. Now, though, I am happy--with my life and, more importantly, with MYSELF!

    I know I still have a ways to go but I truly think I am well along on my journey.

    Kathy,
    I agree with you. We are not all at the same place in this journey. Some are at the beginning...some in the middle....and some are just about getting a handle on things. I think I am with you in that I have been catching myself for a few years attempting to medicate with food. I did it mindlessly. No more. I do catch myself walking toward the fridge or eyeballing the snacks when I feel stressed or out of control. But, most of the time now, I am just catching myself and making a diversion. I usually don't jump in with both feet like I used to.
    Good for you for making these rules for your kiddos. There is no trophy for the clean plate club....except extra body fat. And I am proud of you for responding to a former co-worker with confidence. It is just great that you are doing what you love to do. We are fortunate that we have job satisfaction.
    Keep reading....keep pondering.....keep sharing! Have a great weekend!
    Sharon
  • EboniA
    EboniA Posts: 181 Member
    Kathy, your answer is fabulous! I have so many things to be thankful for and happy with. My job isn't one of them yet but it will be soon enough. I'm so glad you aren't flattening your life anymore. You are an inspiration. :flowerforyou:
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    Hi everyone. Sometimes I can only answer one question at a time because I get so consumed. :smile:

    Well said Sharon! Your post made me think that it's also about the way we allow others to treat us. It's funny how we are all here to relate with each other but we forget to take care of ourselves first. :flowerforyou:

    Chapter 5: I am not broken. I treated myself badly and allowed other to treat me badly for a long time. I had a lightbulb moment from watching Losing It with Jillian last night. Spoiler alert... the couple's weight gain started with losing their 30 day old baby 22 years ago. I had a miscarriage when I was 23 and never associated it with my weight gain but that was a significant heart-wrenching event in my life. I wanted that baby more than anything and I was fully ready. My bf was a jerk and didn't support me so he was relieved when I miscarried. I feel like I had to take on the burden of grief alone, just like the wife in the show. I felt broken and continued to tell myself that story over and over until right now. I wasn't good enough for my father, my boyfriend, my child......... ugh, that is so NOT TRUE! They weren't good enough for that baby or for me. But I am good enough, for my husband, my 2 kids, my life, and myself! I am worthy!

    You are worthy!!!! What a revelation for you. You have suffered and overcome! Thank you for being so honest and our hearts go out to you for what you have had to endure. Bless your heart. I think there is healing in expressing yourself. Thanks for sharing. :heart:
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    Week 4 Book Club Discussion:heart:

    Ponder and reflect upon the following points from Chapters 7 and 8. As you do reflect on your other chapters and ask yourself if this is all coming together for you.

    Chapter 7: Tigers in the Mind
    Ms. Roth asks us to actually feel what we feel rather than deny feelings by distracting ourselves with a doughnut or a bag of chips. Sometimes instead of acknowledging the feeling we punish ourselves by overeating or binging to punish ourselves for not being good enough. I challenge you this week to feel what you feel. If you are stressed or sad and turn to food...stop, stay in the moment...and feel. Then go to that journal and write down what you are feeling. Are you turning to chips or sweets when you are not hungry? What are you feeling when you do this?

    Chapter 8: Married to Amazement
    OK...don't flee after reading the beginning of this chapter. This chapter is to help you achieve your goal in Chapter 7...feel what you feel. You may be kind of conservative like myself and have preconceptions about meditation. But I say, let's give it a try. I mean, don't you deserve to come to a peaceful place in your mind each day? You also have the choice to spend time with God at that time if you wish. When I begin my day with a quiet time, I call it prayer, I am more peaceful and focused each day. I am able to handle life's stressors with more confidence and less emotion. I am more proactive rather than reactive. So, this week, practice some of the recommendations in Chapter 8 to experience some true peace and be TOTALLY aware of your feelings as our goal in Chapter 7. Check back in and let us know what you are feeling and if you are able to get in some "quiet time" and BE STILL regularly to just feel what you feel. What are you feeling????

    I am feeling proud of you for putting yourself on the list this week. Man, we get so busy....make time for yourself so you will have more to share with others! You are soooooooo worth it! :heart:
  • EboniA
    EboniA Posts: 181 Member
    Chapter 7: I think the concept in chapter 7 was one of the main things that got me hooked on this book. I watched 2 uncles die of alcoholism. One was my mom's brother and he was grieving for his daughter who unexpectedly died during childbirth. As awful as that was for all of us, he couldn't/wouldn't allow himself to feel his feelings. The numbing is what killed him. :cry: My other uncle was my aunt's boyfriend. He lost a baby daughter about 20 years prior and tried to just forget and drank but not excessively at first. After he lost his job, something snapped and the drinking took over. My aunt just saw this happen to her brother and did everything she could to stop it from happening again but it just consumes them.

    You never know how you're going to react to something like that but if we can learn the tools to cope and practice them, then hopefully we can learn to handle whatever comes our way. It's not about the food, it's the drug of choice to not feel our feelings. I have really been practicing this and I feel much better. I don't really feel anxious around food anymore. I am even nicer at my job (that I hate). I realized that I can feel happy about life AND feel miserable about my job.

    The other part of this chapter that I love is that I can teach my kids this coping mechanism. My 6 year old daughter was having a fit about something and I asked her where she felt it and what color it was. :laugh: She just said "huh? I don't know" but it was enough for her to become aware of it and she calmed down. Wow! It worked!!

    I hope everyone hangs in there and keeps posting. Have a great week!
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    Chapter 7: I think the concept in chapter 7 was one of the main things that got me hooked on this book. I watched 2 uncles die of alcoholism. One was my mom's brother and he was grieving for his daughter who unexpectedly died during childbirth. As awful as that was for all of us, he couldn't/wouldn't allow himself to feel his feelings. The numbing is what killed him. :cry: My other uncle was my aunt's boyfriend. He lost a baby daughter about 20 years prior and tried to just forget and drank but not excessively at first. After he lost his job, something snapped and the drinking took over. My aunt just saw this happen to her brother and did everything she could to stop it from happening again but it just consumes them.

    You never know how you're going to react to something like that but if we can learn the tools to cope and practice them, then hopefully we can learn to handle whatever comes our way. It's not about the food, it's the drug of choice to not feel our feelings. I have really been practicing this and I feel much better. I don't really feel anxious around food anymore. I am even nicer at my job (that I hate). I realized that I can feel happy about life AND feel miserable about my job.

    The other part of this chapter that I love is that I can teach my kids this coping mechanism. My 6 year old daughter was having a fit about something and I asked her where she felt it and what color it was. :laugh: She just said "huh? I don't know" but it was enough for her to become aware of it and she calmed down. Wow! It worked!!

    I hope everyone hangs in there and keeps posting. Have a great week!

    Wow...you are an overcomer too EboniA. I am sad that you had to watch so many family members suffer through alcoholism AND I am celebrating that you are breaking the cycle in your family. Your whole family is better off. "Where does it hurt and what color is it?" Thank you for drawing your daughter's attention to her feelings. She may have looked at you like you were crazy, but I know you are a wise mom. You are teaching her to feel what she is feeling and not run from it, stuff it, medicate it, avoid it, redirect it....just to feel it right now. Good for you. What a nice post!:flowerforyou:
  • pmjsmom
    pmjsmom Posts: 1,926 Member
    Hey everyone--I haven't disappeared. I have been following the thread and reading and journaling. I just haven't had time to get it on the computer! I hope to be able to do that after work today.
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
    I went back east to visit my brother last week, so I feel behind a bit. Here's my response to chapter 5....athough as you'll read, I'm still lost. Perhaps somebody can shed some light on what I'm missing? You all seem to not be "broken" anymore after reading this, but I still believe I am. Help??

    I was really at a loss in this chapter for quite some time….impatiently waiting for that “ah-ha” moment when I think I finally came across it on page 71. “When you ask people who are yoked to disordered eating about their motivations for turning to food, they say things like “I want peace. Quiet. To forget about myself for a while. To get into another zone.” I feel like my life is so chaotic. There’s always something going on. Obligations to meet. My daughter and I always butt heads…we can’t get along to save our lives. The phones always ringing. Somebody’s always tex\ting. The doorbell is always going off. Family is always showing up at my house unannounced. Or even announced….does it really matter? My husband has anxiety and always thinks he’s going to die of one thing or another….and he doesn’t believe in an afterlife. He’s lost and I get to hear about it all the time. The baby’s crying (although he seems to be the easiest person to deal with in my house). Work. Layoffs pending. The cats howling, the dogs in my face needing something. Dishes. Laundry. Bottles. Grocery shopping. Family drama….on both sides! Cooking dinner. Chaos. I’m constantly being pushed and pulled in different directions. This page really touched a nerve for me….all I really want to do is sit down in a quiet place and contemplate life and it’s complexities. Look at the details. Stop and smell the roses so to speak. SLOW DOWN and ENJOY life. Right now it seems like life is crushing me. Wow. I've never really thought about any of this before....I just get up and plug through my day as planned (and when it comes to my husband and his side of the family, I am usually not involved in the planning).

    However, I’m not sure if I’m ready to believe I’m not broken. It seems like some readers got the message in this chapter, and I’m still lost. I’m going to re-read it tomorrow and see if I get it. I’m also going to read chapter 6 tomorrow and post my response to it.
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    Beautiful Scars: Don't fret over not having an "aha moment" in this chapter....maybe yours will come in another chapter. I truly believe it depends on where you are with all of this. You are at a point in life that everyone is taking from you. I remember feeling like I might break if someone asked me to do one more thing at times when I was a young mom. There is alot of stress in being a giver. That is why I think it is so important to carve out some time just for you to find a peaceful moment or two. Sometimes I would leave bath and story up to my husband while I took a walk in the park. After laundry, dinner and homework, on top of a full-time job, I didn't feel guilty about it. Keep reading...keep journaling...keeping pondering and digging deep.

    I get all of this....I mean I think I really get it, but today I got bored midafternoon and just headed to the kitchen. I think I just have some old habits hanging around that are hard to break. I paused to ask myself what I was feeling....it was not lonliness, feeling overwhelmed, nervous or upset...it really was just boredom and the feeling that I deserved a treat after working hard all day. My treat was a cup of green tea and time with a new magazine. New habits take time to incorporate.

    I am wishing you all the very best weekend! Be kind to yourself....YOU DESERVE IT!:heart:
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
    Chapter 6:

    Wow. Page 83 really brought tears to my eyes. Again, I was reading this chapter waiting for that “Ah HA!” moment to hit. Boy did it ever!

    “When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort. You become an expert at finding experts and programs, at striving and trying hard and then harder to change yourself, but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself – that your needs and choices cannot be trusted, and left to your own devices you are out of control.”
    I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin in God knows how long. I grew up with a VERY judgmental mother, and I have since become very judgmental. So I then believe that everyone is also judging me, and everyone does to some extent. I’ve tried to change but have failed miserably. Like my mother, it’s easier to put others down than to focus on what’s going on with me. That’s only a small piece of the puzzle I’m sure. In my eyes, no matter what size I get down to, I don’t see myself being happy. I’ll focus on the skin that hangs over my c-section scar that will never go away unless I get surgery. I’ll focus on my nose or my double chin or something else that I know people will judge me for. How do I change this pattern of behavior??? It seems there are sooo many layers of this subject that it’s almost overwhelming. I’m not sure where to start; I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to NOT see myself as unbroken, as discussed in chapter 5. :sad:

    At this point, I almost feel more lost after reading this book. I would love someone else’s view on my responses. Can anyone help?? I’ll go back to chapter 5 in the meantime and re-read these last 2 chapters. Maybe I’ll get the light bulb moment that will help me understand the second time around.
  • pmjsmom
    pmjsmom Posts: 1,926 Member
    Chapter 5 Discussion Point:
    The author shares her experience of an allergic reaction while on a speaking tour. She went ahead and spoke to make a real point. This is the entire point of Chapter 5. Brokenness is learned, not innate. Did Geneen believe she was broken when her face swelled up and she was actually unrecognizable. No, she believed she was still Geneen Roth and had something good to teach people who signed up for her retreat. She had every reason in the world not to show up. But she did to make this excellent point. She believed she was not broken.

    Have you been defining yourself by the way others treat you or have treated you? Has this convinced you that you are broken. How can you make changes in your attitude and ulitimately in your self-concept by knowing that you are NOT defined by the way people treat you or circumstances. You are not broken. You are whole. Will this change the way you treat yourself?

    A few years ago I was 'broken' and reacted to situations as if that were true. I realize now that this attitude stopped when I started meditating every day.
    By meditating on the fact that I am a child of God (as I see God) and believing (now) that "God don't make junk" has really helped my self-image. This is also when I started losing weight--I think I lost around 30 pounds before I started tracking my weight and consciously making healthy choices for myself.

    Chapter 6 Discussion Point: What a beautiful chapter, "Reteaching Loveliness. Think about the way you have lost weight in the past. Have you starved yourself? Have you tortured your body by overexercising? Maybe you have suffered from anorexia or bulimia. These are all ways of torturing and punishing yourself for your weight. It becomes a sick cycle of self abuse. 3 great points are made on page 81. 1. Truth, not force, does the work of ending compulsive eating. 2. Awareness, not deprivation, informs what you eat. 3. Presence, not shame, changes how you see yourself and what you rely on. By journaling, reflecting and using the tools on MFP I think I can get to these points in my life. How will you incorporate truth, awareness and presence into your life so you no longer force, deprive or shame your beautiful self?

    To be honest, the only other time I ever lost weight was when I was in my 20's and I used diet pills (prescription 'speed') to lose it.
    After getting pregnant with my son I started gaining weight again and just added more with my other 2 pregnancies as well. I would lose a bit every now and then when my life was going as I thought it should, but whenever things started messing up the weight would go right back on.
    Now, though, I KNOW that I am worthy and that I am special and, yes, even beautiful! I no longer think of myself as fat and I love to catch a glimpse of my reflection. I know I am getting healthier and stronger and my attitude has changed a lot.

    In the 2 years since I have been tracking my weight loss I have been laid off for the first time ever in my life, I have dealt with my daughters' wayward behaviors and am now dealing with a pregnancy and a relationship that I truly wish had never happened. (I really though my 20 year old had more sense--oh well.) I have also quit smoking.
    Through all this I am still losing, sometimes more, sometimes less, but losing nonethless. I find it interesting that I had stopped reacting to EVERYTHING by eating but until now had not really realized it.

    This is a very interesting journey I am on.

    (I will be finishing this week's discussion questions tomorrow--I hope. We are actually having sunny, warm weather and I plan on spending a lot of time outside!:happy: )
  • pmjsmom
    pmjsmom Posts: 1,926 Member
    Chapter 6:

    Wow. Page 83 really brought tears to my eyes. Again, I was reading this chapter waiting for that “Ah HA!” moment to hit. Boy did it ever!

    “When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort. You become an expert at finding experts and programs, at striving and trying hard and then harder to change yourself, but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself – that your needs and choices cannot be trusted, and left to your own devices you are out of control.”
    I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin in God knows how long. I grew up with a VERY judgmental mother, and I have since become very judgmental. So I then believe that everyone is also judging me, and everyone does to some extent. I’ve tried to change but have failed miserably. Like my mother, it’s easier to put others down than to focus on what’s going on with me. That’s only a small piece of the puzzle I’m sure. In my eyes, no matter what size I get down to, I don’t see myself being happy. I’ll focus on the skin that hangs over my c-section scar that will never go away unless I get surgery. I’ll focus on my nose or my double chin or something else that I know people will judge me for. How do I change this pattern of behavior??? It seems there are sooo many layers of this subject that it’s almost overwhelming. I’m not sure where to start; I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to NOT see myself as unbroken, as discussed in chapter 5. :sad:

    At this point, I almost feel more lost after reading this book. I would love someone else’s view on my responses. Can anyone help?? I’ll go back to chapter 5 in the meantime and re-read these last 2 chapters. Maybe I’ll get the light bulb moment that will help me understand the second time around.

    I really don't know if I can shed any light on your responses but I can tell you what I think has worked for me.

    When my girls entered their teen years they started having all sorts of the usual doubts about skin, hair, clothing, etc. We talked about how often they REALLY noticed these things on other people, which turned out to be almost never--unless someone was exceptionally different they did not notice if they had a pimple or not, for instance.

    I started to listen to my own reassurances and now remind myself that others are noticing my 'faults' just about as much as I am noticing theirs, ie. almost never!

    Who, other than your husband or kids--who love you--will be seeing your c-section scar?
    When I think of the people I know and love I realize that I don't really remember if they are good-looking or not because to me, since I care about them, they are beautiful!

    (I am assuming that your profile picture is you--if so, you are a very beautiful woman and have no need to be worrying about what others may be thinking of you!)

    I really don't know if this will help or is even what you are looking for but I hope you know that I care.

    Now, for your previous post about needing some quiet time for yourself: You need to listen to Fab50 and TAKE some time! It may seem difficult right now but it can be just a short amount of time at first. (It is so hard to get this time when you have young kids--I know. )
    The thing is--now there are times when I have TOO much time for me and sometimes wish for those chaotic years! Peace and joy to you, always.:flowerforyou: :heart: :flowerforyou:
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
    Thank you so much for your kind words. Your insight really helped...I'm going to marinate on that a little as I re-read chapters 5-6. I need to read 7-8 too! Wow! Lots of reading to do! LOL!
  • EboniA
    EboniA Posts: 181 Member
    Chapter 6:

    Wow. Page 83 really brought tears to my eyes. Again, I was reading this chapter waiting for that “Ah HA!” moment to hit. Boy did it ever!

    “When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort. You become an expert at finding experts and programs, at striving and trying hard and then harder to change yourself, but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself – that your needs and choices cannot be trusted, and left to your own devices you are out of control.”
    I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin in God knows how long. I grew up with a VERY judgmental mother, and I have since become very judgmental. So I then believe that everyone is also judging me, and everyone does to some extent. I’ve tried to change but have failed miserably. Like my mother, it’s easier to put others down than to focus on what’s going on with me. That’s only a small piece of the puzzle I’m sure. In my eyes, no matter what size I get down to, I don’t see myself being happy. I’ll focus on the skin that hangs over my c-section scar that will never go away unless I get surgery. I’ll focus on my nose or my double chin or something else that I know people will judge me for. How do I change this pattern of behavior??? It seems there are sooo many layers of this subject that it’s almost overwhelming. I’m not sure where to start; I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to NOT see myself as unbroken, as discussed in chapter 5. :sad:

    At this point, I almost feel more lost after reading this book. I would love someone else’s view on my responses. Can anyone help?? I’ll go back to chapter 5 in the meantime and re-read these last 2 chapters. Maybe I’ll get the light bulb moment that will help me understand the second time around.

    Along the same lines as what Kathy said, if you think of your kids saying the things that you say to yourself, I'm sure you would disagree and tell them how beautiful they are. The other thing is that fighting with your image in the mirror isn't working so why not try embracing it and see if you get different results. The same thing with believing you are damaged or broken. What would happen if a very powerful influence in your life said you weren't? You are the most powerful influence in your life and you can make the decision to not be broken any more. No one else sees you that way... not your mother, not your husband, not the checker at the grocery store. Only you do and you have the power to change that.
    As for taking time for yourself, Geneen said she made a place in her house (I think it was a blanket on the floor) that was her spot and no one else was allowed there and they couldn't bother her when she was there. After reading that, I got my kids together and told them that I was going to do my workout video and I would be unavailable to help them with anything until I was done. At first they needed me for the smallest things but the more I said no or reminded them that I would do it after my workout, they stopped asking. First you have to want the time or space more thatn anything (you need it and deserve it, by the way). Then tell everyone the plan and stick to it. They adapt... quickly. My kids even join me in working out sometimes so if anyone wants to join you, that could work too. I hope that helps a little.
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
    Thank you E. I had a moment of clairity yesteday....somebody here asked my what was behind my screen name. I responded by saying that I have both physical and emotional scars, and that I've started looking at these scars as life experiences. My C-section scar is a result of my two beautiful children. The scar on my arm a result of running through the house when I was a child. My knee; a bike ride. My emotional scars, my life lessons. As I was typing it the point of chapter 5 and 6 hit me like a ton of bricks. It was right in front of my face the whole time.

    I now need to work on not picking myself apart in the mirror and embrace what I see. Like it or not, it's part of me and makes me who I am. I just have to be the best me I can be! :bigsmile:
  • pinbotchick
    pinbotchick Posts: 3,904
    Is it too late to join in this discussion? I just downloaded the book from Audible. I'll follow along and read the posts as I read the chapters. It may take a week or 2 to catch up... Would this be a good book for my real bookclub?
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
    Chapter 7:

    I noticed this week when I went over my calorie intake was directly due to some conflict occurring in our house. I had been trying to communicate to my husband that I needed more help with the baby. I take care of our son about 99% of the day, and my husband would come home from work (graphic designer, not blue collar) and take a nap on the couch. Meanwhile, I’m doing the whole bit. Cleaning, Cooking, Cleaning, Diaper. Bottle. Cuddle baby. Entertain baby. Cleaning. You get the idea. He claimed taking care of a baby was “exhausting” and that’s why he needed a nap. I reiterated that I do most of the work. I even get up in the middle of the night for the feedings because I’m still on maternity leave and don’t need to be at work. So, I did what I was supposed to do and brought my feelings to his attention, only to have nothing change. So I brought it up again in a different way, no result. This resulted in me craving all the wrong foods and overeating. Boo. So a few days later I just lost it and reamed him a new one, and he got it. He’s been helping me more. LOL!! The point? Apparently I eat when I’m in a situation where I feel helpless. Or as Roth puts it, “There is no possibility of change so I might as well eat.” The stupid thing was, I knew exactly why I was craving these things and tried to put those cravings aside, but did succumb. Argh!

    Ok, so now onto the concept of this chapter, and it’s a doozy! “Eat what they want when they’re hungry and to feel what they fell when they’re not.” Wow! It’s so simple, yet so difficult! My first instinct is to not feel….to run away from the feeling. If I ignore it it will go away. Don’t make a big deal out of it, clearly I’m overreacting. This, too, shall pass. After reading this chapter, that’s obviously not a good choice or I wouldn’t be the whale I am today. I think this part is going to be really hard for me. I need to learn to
    dive into what I’m feeling and take it apart. Analyze it. Feel it. I guess I’m wondering how I’m supposed to do this without falling into the “poor me” syndrome. I guess practice. Maybe after trying it, it will feel natural.

    Roth also writes “To see that the associations we have with feelings are in the past. To see that we avoid feelings because of the story we tell ourselves about them. Grief hurts, sadness hurts, but it’s not the feelings that destroy us. It’s what we tell ourselves about the feelings. It’s that we perceive a present day feeling through historical eyes.” This really resonated with me because I know for a fact I’m guilty of this. I think a lot of people are guilty of this….that’s how we get caught up in negative cycles. I associate my current feelings with the past experiences I have been through. I need to learn to let go of the old stuff in order to process the new stuff. It’s something we are told over and over again, but are never given the tools to actually DO it.

    I’m sorry if I quote too much, but I need to put it down in order to process it. I really like the part where Roth writes “Feelings are in the body, reactions are in the head; a reaction is the mental deduction of a feeling. (And beliefs are reactions that we’ve had so many times that we believe they are true.)” I really liked how this was worded! This is something I will constantly have to say to myself.

    Chapter 8:

    I was so relieved when I first started reading this chapter! I’ve always wanted to meditate because, like Roth, I’ve heard good things about it. But every time I try I get sleepy, bored, my mind races instead of relaxes, etc. I do try and pray at night, but usually it results in the same sort of mind-racing that Roth writes in this chapter. LOL! I’m sooo relieved that I’m not the only one! I always feel guilty when it happens, but then put myself at ease by reassuring myself that “at least I always start out by saying Thank you and I love you”. That’s the most important thing I needed to say right?

    I might give this “belly mediation” a chance. :bigsmile:
  • EboniA
    EboniA Posts: 181 Member
    I realized something today. If I haven't said it enough, I hate my job. Well, today I was getting upset about one thing or another and really tried to FEEL it in my body. I couldn't. The anger and frustration was no longer in my body. I used to breathe heavy, get headaches, stomach cramps, and just stress out! Today, I looked for the bodily sensation and it wasn't there anymore. I was still upset about whatever it was but I didn't let it it take over. Unfortunately, that didn't happen when my husband wasn't home right after work. I ate a little too much but I couldn't shake it. I guess I still need to practice. :tongue:
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    Is it too late to join in this discussion? I just downloaded the book from Audible. I'll follow along and read the posts as I read the chapters. It may take a week or 2 to catch up... Would this be a good book for my real bookclub?

    :flowerforyou: Never too late! Welcome! ....would it be a good book for your real book club? Well, it depends on the interest of your club members. If they don't really have issues with food...then probably not. If they are like most of the rest of us....then probably yes! How vague was that for an answer! Maybe after you have read a couple of chapters you can decide if they will enjoy it. It does lead to some good discussions.
  • FabulousFifty
    FabulousFifty Posts: 1,575 Member
    Chapter 9 - 10 Discussion Points:

    Ponder and think about this for a while...G. Roth shares that we need to truly "occupy" our bodies. Some of us are not really taking up residence in our bodies. We don't see our spirits and bodies as one. When we talk about our thighs, it is as if they are on someone else or have a mind of their own! (I think mine do sometimes!) If we take residence somewhere, we want to care for that residence, not annilate it. If we begin to see our spirits and bodies as one, we can decide if this body, in it's current condition, will serve us well. If it does not then we can gently do things to change our body so it does serve us well. We can do things that work for us and fit into our lifestyles.

    When we take up residence in our bodies we listen to it and it's needs. We eat when it tells us it is really hungry. We stop when we feel full sensations. We must take time to feel these sensations. Paying attention to these sensations may be new for us, or a part of our past. It takes time and focus to pay attention to what our bodies need. When we feel our bodies tiring, we must give it rest and relaxation. :yawn:

    I don't know about you but I think I like this concept Roth presents in these two chapters. I feel I am quite guilty of treating my body like it is not a part of me. This forces me to really look at me. Who am I? How do I deserve to be treated? This is how I am defined....remember from past chapters we are not defined by a bad boss, bad husband, daunting childhood memories, etc. If we believe we are whole and not broken then we must treat our bodies as being whole and healthy. You are worthy of being treated well by others and yourself!:heart:

    I am so proud of us for being brave enough to take a close look in the mirror and decide who we are. We are well worth it. :heart:

    Your thoughts?
  • AmandaB4588
    AmandaB4588 Posts: 655
    Just want you ladies to know I am still here! I went on vacation for a week and had family over for a few days right after. When I catch up with everything, I will post and respond to all of you.
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