Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

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  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
    Do you do things with her? Do you exercise together? Take her out? Still go on dates?

    For the longest time my husband did things on his own and never asked me if I wanted to join him or do anything with him. It was as if we lived separate lives. At that time no matter how much he complemented me it didn't matter. His actions showed otherwise.

    I felt much better about myself and our marriage when he wanted to spend time with me. Actions speak louder than words so maybe think about how you can do things together or do things for her that would show her how you feel about her. Just a suggestion. My marriage is 100x's better since I had a talk with my husband about how I felt. It was so bad that for the longest time people thought he was a single dad because he would just take off with the kids and do something without even inviting me along. 99% of the time I didn't know he was going out till he had left the house. When we talked about it he said it never occurred to him to ask me if I wanted to join him. Now we do just about everything together. He even invites me to go fishing with him and we have a date night. We're married 20 years now and things are better now than they were when we first got married.

    Communication is key! Hang in there and don't give up.
  • diabloben68
    diabloben68 Posts: 64
    Well as a wife (24) with low self esteam, eres my 2 cents.

    I think its great that you want your wife to be confident and comfortable with herself, but i think you may be focasing a little too much on her apearence. Maybe when she ties her hair up and puts on baggy clothing she simply doesnt have time to spend on getting all doll'd up or just wants to relax, you should be satisfied to look at her in her natural state as much and a primed one.

    I always tie my hair up, mainly because it hasent been cut in so long and it annoys me. But i do wear un flattering clothing and iv come to realise that iv been hiding myself. All you can do is a a possitive support system for her, if it is a real issue that she cant let alone maybe talking to a counselor would help.

    I think a lot of people have said something very similar and I am inclined to agree. Thanks for your words.
  • diabloben68
    diabloben68 Posts: 64
    Do you do things with her? Do you exercise together? Take her out? Still go on dates?

    For the longest time my husband did things on his own and never asked me if I wanted to join him or do anything with him. It was as if we lived separate lives. At that time no matter how much he complemented me it didn't matter. His actions showed otherwise.

    I felt much better about myself and our marriage when he wanted to spend time with me. Actions speak louder than words so maybe think about how you can do things together or do things for her that would show her how you feel about her. Just a suggestion. My marriage is 100x's better since I had a talk with my husband about how I felt. It was so bad that for the longest time people thought he was a single dad because he would just take off with the kids and do something without even inviting me along. 99% of the time I didn't know he was going out till he had left the house. When we talked about it he said it never occurred to him to ask me if I wanted to join him. Now we do just about everything together. He even invites me to go fishing with him and we have a date night. We're married 20 years now and things are better now than they were when we first got married.

    Communication is key! Hang in there and don't give up.

    Thanks for the advice. I think that is key. I am really poor with romance, but I have been working on it. Though my wife and I do spend a lot of time together. I think I could definitely go the extra mile in being more romantic though, never hurts right?
  • MrsSardone
    MrsSardone Posts: 194 Member
    I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from OP! Right after I had my second kid I was down on myself about my weight. Nothing I wore looked good so I didn't put much effort into finding something nice to wear. I rarely did my hair cuz I figured everything else was a mess so why bother? My husband was sad for me cuz he didn't understand why I couldn't see the beauty in me that he saw. I could tell he was annoyed as well.

    Maybe your wife IS going through a depression and she might need to seek professional help. I was hormonal and once my hormones regulated I found the motivation and energy to do what needed to be done to work on myself.

    And to everyone bashing him...he only wants his wife to love herself. Her appearance is just an example of her not thinking she's worth the effort. If she wore sweats with an "I love myself!" attitude, I'm sure they wouldn't have even argued.
  • diabloben68
    diabloben68 Posts: 64
    I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from OP! Right after I had my second kid I was down on myself about my weight. Nothing I wore looked good so I didn't put much effort into finding something nice to wear. I rarely did my hair cuz I figured everything else was a mess so why bother? My husband was sad for me cuz he didn't understand why I couldn't see the beauty in me that he saw. I could tell he was annoyed as well.

    Maybe your wife IS going through a depression and she might need to seek professional help. I was hormonal and once my hormones regulated I found the motivation and energy to do what needed to be done to work on myself.

    And to everyone bashing him...he only wants his wife to love herself. Her appearance is just an example of her not thinking she's worth the effort. If she wore sweats with an "I love myself!" attitude, I'm sure they wouldn't have even argued.

    That's what I was trying to get at but I must have poorly worded my OP, thanks for being able to tell what I really meant.
  • mamasmaltz3
    mamasmaltz3 Posts: 1,111 Member
    Let me first say that this may get me a strike, but I don't care.

    Little man, you got a lot to learn. As a grown-*kitten* woman who is head of my household and confident in who I am as a human being, I found just your title horribly offensive. "Listen up?" Why should I listen to you? What makes you the expert in a woman's self confidence? What makes you the expert in what I should do with MINE? Telling all women they should "listen up" is your first mistake. It makes you sound like a jerk.

    As for your wife's self confidence, I'm afraid you're showing your inexperience and young age here. LEAVE HER ALONE. If she wants to wear baggy clothes and put her hair up, THIS IS HER DECISION. THIS IS NOT UP TO YOU. Let her wear what she wants when she wants. She doesn't like compliments. Regardless of why, have you ever thought that maybe that's not her love language, aka what she needs to feel loved? Personally, my love language is physical touch. Maybe hers is gifts? You ever think to ask?

    Using the word "positive reinforcement" when referring to the way you speak to your wife makes you sound controlling. It's nasty. She's not a puppy you're training.

    Don't get me started on the hairband thing.

    What you should try instead is just being supportive. I'm having a "fat" day or I don't feel attractive, guess what my fiance does. He tells me "Baby, I love you no matter what". He puts up with it. That's what you sometimes have to do when you're a dude.

    Self-confidence comes from within. It's not something that can be forced on you or demanded of you by your husband. If you were mine, I'd have tossed you a long time ago. It's unfortunate that your wife is so young and has a lot of life lessons to learn herself.




    Thank you, very well said.
    Also to the OP: You need to find the happiest, longest married woman you can find and ask her husband to mentor you. You have a lot to learn about women and obviously your wife.
  • daphne_m
    daphne_m Posts: 84
    I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

    Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
    Wow. So you would end your marriage over a few dollars worth of hair ties. Wow.

    I suspect it's what those hair ties represent. Maybe I'm in the minority but I've had the luxury of being with partners who can be supportive without being paternalistic and I have faith that I will always continue to attract that sort of man. The thought of having such low self-worth that I'd accept a partner who would toss away my hair ties before boasting of his nice guy creds to strangers on the internet is appalling.
    Honestly, all I'm getting out of this is that you reeeally need to go back and reread the OPs post because he didn't say or imply that at all.

    No, I reeeeally don't need to reread his post. I've read it and came away feeling very sad for his wife, nothing more. People need to accept that they can't mould their partners into a preconceived ideal. The OP is not Henry Higgins.
    I don't care who he is. He came on here asking for advice, and everyone is jumping down his throat for something he didn't actually say. Totally not cool. He's not paternalistic, he's a concerned and stressed out husband who is trying to help his wife, and really, people getting on his case for something he didn't say isn't going to help him OR his wife.

    Scratch that, classism is just mean.

    Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member

    My fiancé said to me at one point that anything over 190 was TOO BIG for him. WTF who the hell is he. He met me at 215 pounds so he could kiss my butt. So I lied to him and told him I was 185. Well guess what I wasn't I was 215! HA in his face.
    =] He couldn't even tell the difference.

    ha,ha! that's great! the last time i was on a diet i lost 30 pounds, and so did my boss. she told me that her husband hadn't even noticed. mine hadn't either. but i said he also didn't notice when i gained it! :)

    See now thats love. :D My husband notices but doesn't say that he noticed. We've both lost and gained over the past 20 years but it doesn't change how we feel about each other.

    Many times I didn't feel so great or was just not in the mood, or was too busy doing things around the house, to get all dressed up and will stay in my baggy pants and put my hair up and no makeup. When my husband gets home at the end of the day he can tell by looking at me if I'm not feeling good or just been busy all day. He'll even say to me.. not a good day today hun? I have MS and there are days here and there when I'm just too tired to do all that prepping. He'll go all week without shaving and I know he's just been busy, woke up late for work most of the week and just had to skip that part of his day. So what? Don't chalk everything up to depression or someone who just doesn't care. Maybe your wife is just not putting her looks as a priority at the moment. She feels comfortable to just be herself and not some made up doll that day or even that week. Most of my female friends don't bother getting done up if they're just staying home or running around shopping. Doesn't mean we don't care or are depressed. We're comfortable with who we are not some image of what we're supposed to be.
  • DancingDreams1234
    DancingDreams1234 Posts: 165
    Love you wife for who she is, why are you putting so much emphasis on physical appearance? Confidence is much deeper than that.
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