CAFFEINE IS A DEADLY TOXIN

But what about those of us that are addicts? Can you help us, dear Burt?

I can help you deal with caffeine addiction. Here's my advice:

1. never be without your caffeinated beverage of choice

2. errr, no, that's it for rules. See rule number one for further clarification if necessary....

What about just carrying around coffee beans in case of emergency?

That's a good idea, although it technically still comes under rule number 1, i.e. remaining close to your caffeinated beverage of choice. It's up to you whether you eat the coffee beans as they are or take the trouble to locate a cup, hot water, and other equipment needed to prepare your cup of coffee.

It's teabags for me though, as I'm British and don't like the taste of coffee. I have stashes of English Breakfast and Earl Grey teabags in my handbag for emergency use. (In zip lock freezer bags to preserve the flavour correctly, as the flavour of tea is easily contaminated)

My plan was just to eat the beans. I rarely travel with my coffee maker.

Of course, I live in the Seattle Metro area so there's a Starbucks on every corner. Sometimes two.

F that noise.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I left you to receive advice from this neanderthal. If you showed her a percolator she'd likely club you for being some sort of evil wizard.

Thing is, Sear Under, I can't help you if you're addicted. Caffeine addiction is a disease. It's like chocoholism, and it destroys families. You're on the right track with keeping the beans on you at all times, but you're making a misstep by masticating them. You'll find much longer term satiety if you can use them as suppositories - I know it's distasteful, but remember, water finds its level. And since coffee shoots through the GI tract like an overweight man in a luge, you know that's where it wants to be.

I can only recommend some sort of rehabilitation clinic where they perhaps provide decaf beans or something to wean you off. I wish you the best.

With love,
Burt

But isn't recognizing my addiction the first step? Now that you know, it's your responsibility to arrange an intervention. Perhaps turn it into a reality show as well.

As for using coffee beans as suppositories, that just won't do. There's no more room with the five-pound bag of sugar and the two liter bottle of diet soda. I just can't ween myself off all my addictions at once. Plus, the TSA is getting suspicious.

Lastly, I question your scientific knowledge. Newton effectively proved, ignoring friction, a fat man in a luge and and skinny man in a luge will pass through the GI tract at the same speed, unless there is a a McDonalds drive-through on the route, in which case one of them may pull over.

Respectfully,
Sear

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I left you to receive advice from this neanderthal. If you showed her a percolator she'd likely club you for being some sort of evil wizard.

Thing is, Sear Under, I can't help you if you're addicted. Caffeine addiction is a disease. It's like chocoholism, and it destroys families. You're on the right track with keeping the beans on you at all times, but you're making a misstep by masticating them. You'll find much longer term satiety if you can use them as suppositories - I know it's distasteful, but remember, water finds its level. And since coffee shoots through the GI tract like an overweight man in a luge, you know that's where it wants to be.

I can only recommend some sort of rehabilitation clinic where they perhaps provide decaf beans or something to wean you off. I wish you the best.

With love,
Burt

But isn't recognizing my addiction the first step? Now that you know, it's your responsibility to arrange an intervention. Perhaps turn it into a reality show as well.

As for using coffee beans as suppositories, that just won't do. There's no more room with the five-pound bag of sugar and the two liter bottle of diet soda. I just can't ween myself off all my addictions at once. Plus, the TSA is getting suspicious.

Lastly, I question your scientific knowledge. Newton effectively proved, ignoring friction, a fat man in a luge and and skinny man in a luge will pass through the GI tract at the same speed, unless there is a a McDonalds drive-through on the route, in which case one of them may pull over.

Respectfully,
Sear

this Homo sapiens clearly thinks his vertical forehead, pointy chin, projectile weapons and stitched clothing means he is an expert in all things post-middle-palaeolithic. there may be many conflicting opinions about how/why the neanderthals went extinct, but you will never find any scientist anywhere who believes they died out from consuming too much caffeine. Caffeine addiction therefore will not make your species go extinct, so really, nothing to stress about. Just eat the coffee beans if you want to. no need for any rehab programmes or reality shows, unless you want to do that for reasons other than caffeine addiction, which is not a disease, it's a normal physiological response to drinking large quantities of caffeine on a regular basis.

regarding the luge, you have not factored in friction/air resistance. The fat man will in fact go more slowly due to greater air resistance* and greater friction* against the luge itself as more of him will be in contact with it. It is, as you say, a common misconception that heavier objects fall faster than lighter objects in the same gravitational field. they fall at the same speed, all other factors being equal. However the fat man will be subject to greater friction* and thus slide down the luge more slowly than the skinny man. To paraphrase, the skinny man will be more aerodynamic. More evidence that you should, in fact, just eat the coffee beans.

*air resistance is, in fact, friction (from the air particles) so the two are the same thing really. and eat the coffee beans. or put them in a percolator and make them into a cup of coffee. whatever. personal choice. And there's nothing wrong with using them as suppositories either, if you are so inclined. Just don't believe any hype claiming that this is superior.

Written from my grave -

Ilovecoffee.com