Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?
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When she is making fun of you....what the other posters in this thread have said.
When she is putting herself down....the thing is, most people don't want advice. Even when they ask for it, what they are usually asking for is really just someone to listen to them and to help them feel validated. When your friend is lamenting her slimmer days and putting herself down, she's not asking for advice. You can give her all the advice in the world, and it won't change her behavior. Her behavior won't change until she is ready to change it, period.
When she is beating herself up around you, perhaps the best thing you could do is say something along the lines of, "Ok, I know this situation makes you feel bad. What are some ways that you could tackle this?" Put the ball back in her corner. As loving and kind as a friend that you are, you can't move that ball for her.
Good luck!0 -
Bite your tongue, lead by example.
Yup^0 -
When she is making fun of you....what the other posters in this thread have said.
When she is putting herself down....the thing is, most people don't want advice. Even when they ask for it, what they are usually asking for is really just someone to listen to them and to help them feel validated. When your friend is lamenting her slimmer days and putting herself down, she's not asking for advice. You can give her all the advice in the world, and it won't change her behavior. Her behavior won't change until she is ready to change it, period.
When she is beating herself up around you, perhaps the best thing you could do is say something along the lines of, "Ok, I know this situation makes you feel bad. What are some ways that you could tackle this?" Put the ball back in her corner. As loving and kind as a friend that you are, you can't move that ball for her.
Good luck!
That's exactly right (boldfaced)--I don't give advice unless people specifically ask for it, and even then I suspect they don't want to hear what I'm about to tell them. You see it in the threads here: someone will post asking for help, people point out some possibly unpleasant truths, and the OP will usually go with what OP already believes. People want validation; it is a lot harder to change one's behavior and beliefs than to stay the same.
Which is why I suggested to do nothing and to ignore her. She sounds a bit passive-aggressive and has a bundle of insecurities, some of which are aggravated by your behavior and the obvious changes it's yielded. She will not change until she is ready.0 -
sounds as if you're a little mad at her. If you love her just let her be and keep hopeing that one day she will wake up and realize that she's doing herself a disfavor by not taking care of herself.0
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In this sort of situation I will sometimes wait until I get the moan about the situation - ie a friend is really bad with money, but then always complaining she's broke - she'll ignore me when she's buying stuff, but will at least stop to think for a second when I point out that if she'd gone to the supermarket rather than buying the week's shopping from the corner shop every day, she COULD have afforded that new pair of shoes, dress, whatever.
If somebody is making fun of me for being 'healthy', I'll certainly stand my ground with "well, how far can YOU run?", often followed with a note that I want the best chance of not suffering from Dementia related stuff as quite a few in my family have.0 -
Bite your tongue, lead by example.
Amen!
Exactly.
When it comes to weight loss a person has to want it for themselves. She obviously isnt there yet. Pushing her would only make it worse.
Lead by example.
When she starts to talk about the weight tell her she gets mad when you discuss her weight so your weight should not be open for discussion either.
Be her friend. She'll come to you when she is ready.0 -
She obviously has major self esteem issues, and I can totally sympathize. And I'm sure that how well you take care of yourself DOES make her feel badly. But that doesn't mean you should stop taking care of yourself. Just do you and bite your tongue. If the way SHE is treating YOU becomes a problem then discuss it with her but ONLY in regards to how you feel- with no comment on her weight. Just say something along the lines of "It makes me feel badly when you tease me about working out. Its something I enjoy doing and its not fair for you to make fun of me so please don't." Good luck!
This. Nothing to add.0 -
Gotta say I'm kinda shocked at how many people could roll over on a best friend when the going gets tough..... I could never live with myself!0
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i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
Behaviorism, while effective approach in some situations, isn't really the end all, be all. We're actually not all Pavlov's dogs or the arena of mental health treatment would be a far simpler place.
I think it's entirely possible the friend fears losing OP -- as OP is getting into better shape. It's not OPs job to constantly praise her friend, but saying something like "Stop talking that about yourself that way, I don't like it - I think your are wonderful" is more effective in stopping behavior than ignoring it, increasing the friend's anxiety that she's not actually cared about (which would likely make her step up her abuses).
We're talking about her best friend, not some coworker or minor acquaintance. I am assuming this type of behavior is new.0 -
rolled up newspaper. seriously.0
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i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.0 -
i'm anti this. it rewards her negativity and actually encourages people to put themselves down.When she talks negatively about herself why not say "Hey, don't talk about my friend that way" and list some of her positive traits? Sometimes people really don't need role models -- they just need to know they are valuable outside of their appearance. It's a self-loathing cycle. Encourage your friend to love herself and healthier habits will likely follow.
i say give her all those compliments, but not when she's putting herself down.
ignore the negativiy. it thrives on attention.
we're all pavlov's dogs!
No, it really doesn't. It's called reframing. Also, the idea is to find out why this person believes that she needs to be negative to get attention. A person who is always down on her or himself might be doing it for attention, sure, but there is something driving that behavior and thought process that would have to be examined.
Calling attention to the person's good points and talking those up might actually help to change the person's self-concept - but rote behaviorism is only half (or more likely a quarter) of the solution.
Rolled up newspaper indeed.
Thanks for driving the bus to school.0 -
Since you are trying to lead by example and she is not getting your hints, perhaps you should try having an honest conversation with her. Let her know you are worried about her because you care about her and ask if there's anything you could do to help and/or encourage her? I personally would rather have a friend be honest with me about stuff rather than keeping it to herself.0
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There is nothing you can do. She is unhappy with how she is, but unmotivated to do anything about it. If she keeps taking jabs at you just smile at her and say that you don't talk mean about her so you would appreciate it if she didn't talk mean about you. If she continues then let her know that if she doesn't stop that you will stop hanging out with her. She has to decide for herself that she is willing to do the work to get healthy and some people prefer to wallow in their current life. You can ask if she wants to try some of you healthy food, or go to a workout class to get her feet wet, but if she declines then it is on her. Sorry you are dealing with this, but some people are just that way. *hugs*
This0 -
You can tell her, honestly, that just like she doesn't like it when you comment on her health and her choices, you don't appreciate it when she comments on yours. You're willing to not have anything to say about hers if she'll stop making comments about yours. It's called respect, and you both have to have it.0
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you are welcome to help me. I would love to have you share your expertise with me and what you are doing to lose weight. I welcome it. would love for you to share your healthy lifestyle and work out tips with me. as far as your friend I would say just say you keep talking about this weight and thinking back to your thin days but yet when I want to help you , you get angry with me. I am not going to say anymore.
I have a huge problem. My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will. She's constantly reminising about the days she was skinny and thin and pretty and putting herself down but when I suggest that she do something about it she gets all defensive. I don't try to motivate her anymore because she takes it as a personal attack so instead I just try to be as healthy as possible around her so that she might see what i'm doing and be motivated that way. HOWEVER, she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me
What can I do?0 -
Just break up.0
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This!Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."
I agree with this. I would say something like, "You don't like it when I comment on your weight, so how do you think I feel when you talk about mine?" If she insists you shouldn't feel bad because you're thin, then maybe it's time to distance yourself from her a little bit. You shouldn't have to put up with insults. She IS projecting, and it's up to her to either lose weight or learn to live with it without taking it out on other people.0 -
Bite your tongue, lead by example.
^ This. Even if you're her best friend, it's not your business to shove your healthy lifestyle down her throat (not saying that's what you're doing - it's the way she would feel) nor is it her business to belittle your healthy lifestyle. If she wants help, she'll ask for it. Her weight isn't anyone's business but her own. Since you can't have a conversation with her without hurt feelings, divert her away from talking about it, either subtly or by simply saying "I don't want to talk about this."0 -
Bite your tongue, lead by example.
Couldn't have said it better.0
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