Am I being insensitive to my over weight friend?

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  • ThisNewFitGirl
    ThisNewFitGirl Posts: 81 Member
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    Just break up.


    LOL So funny :)
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
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    It's best to lead by silent example in this case I think. Actions speak louder than words. But she definitely needs to find the motivation within herself. Then, when she does, she'll probably come to you for help!
  • panano
    panano Posts: 62 Member
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    Yes she is projecting. I have a friend that is exactly like that. I think they both think that it's impossible for them to lose weight, so they don't even want to try. Neither of them are happy about how much they weigh, but they act like they are just to make themselves feel better about it.
    I try and lead by example. Any time I start a new workout program (a new Jillian Michaels dvd or whatnot), I invite her to join me. She usually does at first but gives up within a few days...no one likes working hard - but hopefully they'll have a breakthrough and try!
    Good luck. Weight loss is never easy around friends. They get jealous and feel inadequate... no girl likes to be left behind, or one upped, or have "competition"... Best thing to do is encourage her, and if she makes a jab just laugh it off. Lead by example, and with love.
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    Bite your tongue, lead by example.

    ^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.
  • BlueInkDot
    BlueInkDot Posts: 702 Member
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    Sounds to me like your "friend" isn't being very friend-like.

    What kind of friend takes stabs at your lifestyle? You don't jab her for hers, so what makes her doing that okay?

    First off, if she insists on acting this way, I wouldn't want to be hanging around her anymore because she's being mean.

    Second off, if you're not going to hang around with her as much then you might as well say what you want to say and be honest.

    The next time she starts giving you a hard time about working out and stuff, I would just be like, "y'know, I don't give you a hard time about your lifestyle, why are you making fun of me for mine?" And just leave it at that.

    But I liked what rebeccalbray said - that seems like a better strategy. Either way one of two things need to happen - resolve the problem or don't bother being "friends" with someone who isn't going to bother being a "friend."
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    When she next says something negative to you ask her why she said that. Also ask her if she would like it if you laughed at her lifestyle choices.

    Both of these ideas should get her to shut up.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
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    she is always making fun of my "healthy lifestlye" and taking stabs about how much I workout and eat healthy and sometimes I just want to say " you know what, you're projecting because you're over weight and i'm sick of it. Loose some weight and maybe you won't feel so gross all the time." But that would be mean and I couldn't do that to her. I cant talk to her about it because everytime I do she gets angry with me :( What can I do?
    I think that you're reason for her saying those things is exactly spot on and personally, I would just say exactly what you wrote...but I also wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. Since you don't want to be 'mean' to her then I suggest that the next time she makes a comment about you working out or eating healthy I would look her right in the eye and say very firmly "You don't like it when I make comments about your weight or what you eat. Don't do it to me."

    If you do that two of three times, she'll learn to shut up.
  • yo_andi
    yo_andi Posts: 2,178 Member
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    Bite your tongue, lead by example.

    QFT.

    She's not ready to give up her excuses yet. She'll get there. And once she does, you'll be able to help her maximize on her efforts through your experience.
  • tj1376
    tj1376 Posts: 1,402 Member
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    Are you being insensitive to your over weight friend? Clearly you are not being insensitive enough. I have learned that if you tell someone the truth about how you perceive their behavior and they get mad and don't want to talk to you anymore - that's their fault and their problem, you were being honest and you should get a better friend. If they get mad but are still your friend, then they are a true friend that respects your opinions even if it pisses them off.

    Asking a forum of random strangers if your being insensitive about her weight just means you are complaining about her behind her back and not to her face. Thats just as bad as what she is doing. Man-up and talk to her. Whats the worst that could happen - you lose a "friend" that doesn't respect you? awesome
  • staplebug
    staplebug Posts: 189
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    One of my friends would make fun of me for running before work and then hitting the gym at lunch time ... then one day she came and asked me for help and she went from a size 14 to a size 4. It's been awhile since I worked, and my friend is still lean and healthy and kept off all the weight.

    I love this! When or if your friend is ever ready, she may humble herself and come to you for help. She knows that you're doing the right things, but feels insecure and is not ready to do it herself.
  • Missjulesdid
    Missjulesdid Posts: 1,444 Member
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    It's not your responsibility to motivate her.. She is right, when she is ready to lose weight, she will.. Trust me, as a fattie, I can tell you that NOBODY can motivate you to lose weight, you have to start with yourself first.. Once she decides that is what she wants to do, then you can support her, but you can't make her want to do it.. so just let her be as she is.

    As for her taking jabs at your lifestyle, that is uncalled for. You need to call her out on this and don't allow it to continue,.. but don't make it about HER weight.. just tell her that you don't appreciate her taking jabs at you for the way you've chosen to live and that this something that is important to you and makes you happy so why would she think it's ok to put this down?
  • da_bears10089
    da_bears10089 Posts: 1,791 Member
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    Funny how she hates you to comment on her weight but she does that to you. So why give her permission to do it to you? A real friend doesn't drag another friend down. I would seriously , next time she makes a snide remark say something like" alright enough about my weight, I'm healthy and fit, so don't get me started on you" or be straight up and tell her " look you don't like me to comment on your weight, so why do you feel the need to comment on my healthy life style? I don't understand."

    While i totally understand that a person can only decide to do things when they really want to do them, i think this is a perfect example. It seems like when people have lost a lot of weight or they generally lead a healthy lifestyle, they are fair game for being criticized for all things, and they are just supposed to accept it. If the healthy friend comments about the overweight one's lifestyle, they they are being unsupportive and mean.
  • katyejean
    katyejean Posts: 233 Member
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    I do wish you the best of luck. It's a defense mechanism. But you probably need to meet her for a girl day, and have a serious heart to heart. And be like "Look, girl. I really care about you. You're my best friend. And I don't want you to get mad at me for this, but you have to pick one of the two options: Change your lifestyle, or stop talking about how much you wish you could be skinny again. And if you would like to, I can help you." Otherwise, you just have to shrug it off and hope she can change her own mind. I hope she does. One more life turned around!
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
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    ditch the friend. she's being insensitive to you.
  • JenniNBond
    JenniNBond Posts: 17 Member
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    You cant help unhappy people - they have to want it themselves.
  • kelr0110
    kelr0110 Posts: 213 Member
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    Bite your tongue, lead by example.

    ^ Another for this. Just understand that she is the one with the problem. You have moved on. Take solace in that, and she may or may not eventually come around. It's up to her.

    Annnnnnnnnnnnnd another for this.

    When I was 387lbs, nobody could tell me anything and I would just get pissed off even if people tried to "help" in a nice way. It will just create a rift in the friendship. When I finally decided to get on the horse and get going was when I was ready and only then. I'm holding at 240 now and still have another 50 and have been messin around again - and again when people try to "advise" or "motivate" me I get pissed off LOL. Meanwhile my bestie went from wearing size L to size S - she motivates me and doesn't have to say anything. If i ask, she helps, otherwise seeing what she is doing is more than enough :)
  • lesspaul
    lesspaul Posts: 190 Member
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    I would enter into a conversation with her calling a truce. I won't say anything about your weight what you eat, and in return you will do the same regarding my exercise and what I eat.
  • lilncbrat
    lilncbrat Posts: 56 Member
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    When she says something about your healthy lifestyle just ask her a simple question........"why would you make fun of my lifestyle when you know what it means to me? Do you not want me to realize the goals that I have set for myself?"

    Get her to think.
  • anthonyzuc
    anthonyzuc Posts: 8
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    Have her join MFP...it is so hard i agree with you...you might want to preface your confrontation big time...it might get ugly but it might turn out really well too. Is it worth the big time fight(s) you might have?
  • Natihilator
    Natihilator Posts: 1,778 Member
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    My best friend is greatly over weight and she keeps insisting that she's happy with her weight and when she really wants to loose it she will.

    This is true. I personally never found hearing 'do something about it' very motivating coming from other people. It has to come from inside her head.

    That being said, if she is putting you down and it's effecting you, either don't talk about diet/fitness stuff with her, or call her out on her negativity because that's bull****. And true friends call eachother on their bull****.

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