need relationship advice

When he plays with the kids and they cry, he usually "fights" them (practicing jiu jitsu, play fighting), but he doesn't usually let them win, or puts them in choke holds or something, and they get frustrated. Or he tells my youngest to give him a hug and a kiss and she refuses, so he basically holds her until she does, which of course makes her cry. Or he just yells at them when they're loud, etc.

your issues with him are your own problem, but to ignore this damaging and unhealthy relationship with his children is wrong. as their mother you have a duty to stop this now! if you don't have the strength to help yourself then you should still find the strength to help your children. you can suck at confruntation but you can't suck at sticking up for your kids.

you are a mother. keep telling yourself that.
that's where your strength is.

I think your husband might be depressed too: the irregular hours, not having a job, immersing himself in gaming and lack of sex are all part of the vicious cycle of depression symptoms and causes.

You don't need to be confrontational, but people stuck in a rut need very direct instructions to do what you think is lacking until it becomes a habit. Otherwise they just don't recognise you're unhappy or what's making you that way. Think along the lines of:
I'm so thirsty, could you make us both a coffee, please?
Here's some lightbulbs, can you put them in before it gets dark?
I've put this shopping list together, could you get these things while I'm playing with the kids?
While I'm doing this bit of work, why not take the kids to the park?
I found this job advert that looks right up your street, would you like me to check your CV/resume is up to date?

I know he might not seem particularly attractive to you at the moment, but do you want sex with him? Initiating it might not be your favourite thing, but he might not know you're missing it unless you show him.

I'd say this gentle approach should be your first line of attack, followed by "we need to talk" if nothing changes, and only then the counselling route, which is often more confrontational than it's depicted.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

i am not a fan of divorce and certainly not when children are involved.........with that said........

you're marriage appears to be in paper only with little to no love, respect, or even friendship remaining. it is not normal to have zero sex in your marriage - it does diminish, for some, due to time issues, age, etc but the desire for tenderness and intimacy remains because the loving emotions remain.

it might be time to speak with your husband about how toxic the relationship between you both has become and a separation is necessary.

once you're both on your own you can determine if the marriage can be saved or if its time to finalize a divorce.



i have been with my husband for 21 years and while the relationship has gone thru hardships (loss of 4 children & loss of employment, etc) we have love, respect, kindness, support, and friendship remaining.

while i would have chosen not to suffer such hardships i thank god for my husband and the support we give each other during those times.

You need to fix yourself first. Him aside, you have a lot of issues that only you can address.

I had a child when I met my husband. He was three. He loved and accepted him. If not we would not be together. But I certainly do not owe him maid service or slavery because he was kind enough to want me.

You were not a freak with a kid, it happens all the time. Blended families are the norm. You have to have higher standards for yourself. Embrace who you are, claim it and be proud of it.

I really think you need therapy before marriage counseling. There are a lot of resources out there. Good luck and lots of hugs.

Just curious why you move so often? If he isn't working and you work from home, why the need to move? Doesn't sound like you guys are a military family. Seems like moving that often would lead to some depression on its own since you aren't able to settle in, make friends, and build outside connections. Plus it can't be good for the kids to be moved around that often.

I am worried because some of your comments sound suicidal, or that you are thinking of abandoning the kids. In either case, you need to call someone professional today. Why would it take you living someplace for a year before you found a doctor? Just pick someone and start going, and if you don't like them, pick another person and give them a try. There are also government run health care programs that will work with you without insurance.

Your husband is depressed. You both need help. If he isn't willing to get help, you should probably leave this marriage, but keep the kids, find some stability, and realize that unless you can work on your own personal issues, you will never find a satisfying relationship.

Good luck...

yes, you need counseling, both separately and together.

until then, have you tried being the kind of wife you want to come home to. i'm not saying you've done anything wrong. i think your husband sounds like hes being very childish, i'm saying, maybe there are a couple things you can do to get him out of his rut.

first, be very solicitous of his affection. when you see him, give him kisses, even if its just to the top of his head, give him a squeeze as you walk by him at his computer. bring him a sandwich and kiss him on the cheek. pretend like hes the greatest thing since sliced bread and you love him like you did when you first got together.

second, try to seduce him. i say try, because at first he will be resistant to this. but keep trying. get dressed in sexy lingerie. put on some perfume and some make up. make sure the kids are in bed and go out to his computer and wishper in his ear something sexy. dont be discouraged if he rebuffs you, this may take some time.

third, do not nag him. ask him to help around the house, but dont nag him about it, ask him to help with the kids, but dont nag him. use "i" words. "it would really help me if you could play with the kids while i make dinner" etc.

why should you do all these things when you get nothing in return? the theory is that, one, if you do the actions of being in love, the feelings will follow. two, if you show him that you are acting loving towards him, he will feel more loved and will hopefully, return the loving feelings.

now this only works on a guy who isnt a total douche. if hes a bad guy, if he cheats and is a total narcissist, it wont work. but if hes your normal guy whos gotten into a rut, whos unhappy with his life so he turns to a virtual world, this may help. do it for a week and see what happens, its only a week of your time.

If he "plays" with the kids, they usually end up crying...

When I say something negative about myself he says "whatever you say, dear".

He hardly pays any attention to the kids. My oldest (the one from my previous marriage) can't stand him anymore and has told me so repeatedly. She says I deserve better. She's 13 and, I realize, knows everything...

There also hasn't been any sex in over 4 years.

I know this is mostly my fault...

I quoted the things that I really wanted to address in your post.

First of all, he should not keep making your kids cry when he plays with them. I know you said he would "play fight" with them, but if they end up crying consistently every time he plays with them (and he puts them in choke holds?)... that's no good. Also, your oldest kid might be only 13, but sometimes kids can see things that adults can't, or are more inclined to trust their gut instinct instead of rationalizing away things. Your kids are the ones I'm most worried about in this situation, because they're living in a home where, from your description, they don't seem comfortable, and also because from seeing your husband's example and growing up around it, they're likely to learn bad habits.

No sex in over 4 years = not normal. It sounds like the intimacy between you two is dead. This could be from lack of communication, from depression on one or both of your parts, performance problems of your husband, or any number of reasons. But if you talk to him about it, maybe you can get help for whatever it is.

Just out of curiousity, if he's on the computer all day playing games, is he really looking for employment? Or does he figure that he kind of doesn't need to, since you're basically taking care of everything?

I noticed that several times in your post you mentioned that you say negative things about yourself, and seem to think that everything is your fault. If your former relationship was abusive, these may be attitudes that you've carried over from that. Constantly thinking and saying negative things about yourself is a pattern of self-abuse that only continues the harm you worked so hard to get away from. Saying that your husband doesn't say anything when you say negative things about yourself makes him sound like a jerk, but if you consistantly say negative things about yourself, eventually he's going to get tired of correcting you and tired of hearing it.

You NEED therapy to help you heal from past wounds. Some people can work through things themselves, but a lot of people can't, and it sounds like you probably have tried for years and have gotten nowhere. It's okay to go get help. In the long run, it will benefit not only you, but your husband and your kids as well.

If your husband will go for it, I would also suggest marriage counseling. You might be able to express your concerns in a more neutral environment. And remember, you're not "confronting" or "criticizing", you're expressing your concern for both your husband and your marriage. You seem to think that you're doing something cruel, but you're not. You're actually doing something good for both of you when you communicate your wants and your concerns in a relationship. If you don't, things just continue to fester until the relationship becomes terrible.

Let me reiterate the importance of seeing a marriage counselor. Neither one of you knows where to start and how to navigate the recovery. Both of you need to come clean with your problems, and it's next to impossible to do without having a neutral party (which is a professional) guiding the process and making sure the key issues are addressed because it's extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing to admit your shortcomings.

If you have the strength to turn him around, then you have a chance to change this. But, it seems that you don't, so this is where the counselor comes in. If you can't do counseling, then I think you should start preparing yourself and your kids for separation, as this can't continue forever.

Relationships are two way streets, however this guy sounds like a jerk who really isn't much interested in being a partner to you and a father to his kids. And while everything is not all your fault, if you continue to do things for him (bring him food while he's playing his games/guitar) and allow him to treat you like this, then it is on you. His behavior toward you is unacceptable, the fact that he is telling his daughter about how non-confrontational you are shows that he is well aware of who is in control of the relationship, and quite frankly is setting it up so that she will walk all over you as well.

You need to make a choice of whether or not you want to work things out with him. If you do, seek counseling (for yourself and as a couple), if he is unwilling to go, then you still need to go so that you can build up yourself in order to either stand up to him and demand some respect or leave.

LEAVE!!!!!!!! You deserve a life, and it seems you don't have one with him... Good Luck.....

Try marriage counseling. Honestly, he sounds depressed and in a rut. And you sound depressed, too. Individual counseling and the two of you together will probably be a huge help to both of you. It's easy to throw in the towel and say it's over, but at least give it a shot. He also might have low testosterone levels, leaving him completely uninterested in sex.

Was going to say this exact same thing!

I'm saddened by how many people are willing to just say "give up" or "he's a jerk" or something. He lost his job, and it probably dealing with a lot of his own insecurity. It would be GREAT if you could find your voice and advocate for yourself and your needs, but it sounds like he might not even be in a healthy place to know how to respond to that when you do. There are lots of low cost marriage counseling options, you just have to find them. If you're connected to a church or synagogue a lot of time the pastor or rabbi has some training in counseling and can get the conversation started, then maybe refer you to a professional counselor.

I find it sad that so many people tell her to walk out of her marriage when she has openly admitted that she has complete issues with communicating with him. I am not saying she should continue to tolerate his behaviors, however, I do beleive she owes him the courtesy of being honest with him about EVERYTHING. She needs to stop saying, I can't, I don't like confrontation, I can't communicate. She will NEVER have a good relationship with ANYONE if she doesn't learn to communicate when she is unhappy. So my suggestion is you find a counselor and you find your voice. You have 13 year old daughter, children learn from example, is this what you want your daughter to grow up to think is normal behavior. Marriage is a commitment that is not something you just walk out on because you don't have the courage to be honest with your spouse about your feelings. If that is the case, then you are partly to blame for where your marriage is right now. I am not trying to be harsh, but I don't understand how people can blame this man 100% when his wife has not ever said, this is not acceptable behavior, I am not happy, etc....marriage is a 2 way street people and I am ashamed of a world where we live in a society where is something is broken, something as important and valuable as a marriage, our response is to throw it away, not to fix it.

I first want to say that this story is a common story known all around the world. You have the strength to percevere through this. First I am only suggesting the following. Live your life the way you want it for you and you only, You must take care of yourself first, kids second and DH third. Second get off the depressant medication its only making things worse. poeple in society want to believe that giving a simple pill will make you lose weight or feel better etc... The truth is that anything in life is not always easy and you must have to work hard to get where you need to be. I say get off meds, because if you choose to eat right, excersise regulary you will start to gain more confidence in yourself because excersise send endorphines throughout your body which make you feel good.

This is dangerous advice. The OP has seen a psychiatrist who feels that she will benefit from antidepressants. To suggest she go off from them a "fix" her depression with good food and exercise is irresponsible at the very least.

I couldn't agree more. It is irresponsible to tell someone to get off of prescribed meds from a physician when we don't know her situation. What if she gets off and commits suicide? She should stay on the meds until the doctor tells her otherwise. If she wants to come off, it should be under a doctor's supervision.

No sex in 4 years? That's all I needed to hear, the marriage is in serious trouble if not already over. Sounds like you really should see a therapist right away.

I have to say, the long hours in front of TV, not sleeping at the same time, no sex (plus possible problems?), no communication, not relating to the kids, not doing squat in the house...that reminds me of my ex-husband. Keyword, ex! I stayed with him for a while, for the sake of the kids, before realizing it was not good for them either. We separated, and that's the best thing I've ever done. Nowadays he's a jerk who doesn't pay child support or pay attention to his kids, but they are well raised (if I may say so myself) and well-adjusted. He can go hang! You deserve better than that too, and your kids as well. My eldest (12 at the time) wasn't surprised we separated. Apparently yours is smart too. But it takes some confidence, which I have in abundance. If you have low self-esteem, you might want to prepare for that. But if you manage, that will be a sure boost to your self-esteem.