Dumped because I am fat...what do you think?
Replies
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I personally would say that he is not worth it and that this is a *huge* red flag. Before I started losing weight, my boyfriend of 4 years only ever knew me as overweight/obese. After we began dating, I only gained more and more weight until I was 244 lbs at a height of 5'2". He, on the other hand, is very active and fit (I don't think he has an ounce of fat on his body lol). We were complete opposites. Never once during our relationship did he mention how I should lose weight. I found out after I started losing the weight in Jan 2012 that he had been concerned about my weight and wanted me to be healthy but he never once gave any mention of being dissatisfied with how I looked. Now he is one of my biggest supporters along with my family. He also says that if I were to gain 400 lbs, he would still be with me and love me. He said I was always beautiful. That's true love. Though you have been with him for a long time and I don't know anything else about your relationship, I wouldn't want to tell you what you should do moving forward, but I think you should definitely reflect on all of this. As everyone else has said, lose the weight for yourself and ONLY yourself. Do it for your health and your future. Don't do it to please your boyfriend or his family. Best of luck to you!!0
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Seems like everyone has a simple answer: "Dump him". While that is one way to go about it, I don't think dumping him is the best choice. The fact that he has asked you to lose weight means something. Sure, most people think its merely superficial. But the impact of dating someone you're not physically attracted to can have dire emotional consequences. And just because he was okay with it doesn't mean he will always be so. The fact that at first he looked beyond the "image" was because he was interested in you as a person. However, now he knows the person. He has been with that person. He likes the person. He just wants that person to be more attractive. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. So think about it. If he didn't love you, he would have probably dumped you already. There is no shortage of pretty ladies (just as there isn't of handsome men). Now obviously, I don't know the guy so I don't know what's up with him. But, that being said, I think this is a sensitive topic which is why people have such 'immature' reactions (i.e. "dump him"). In essence, I don't see how this is so different from the million other compromises we make in a relationship. And if you truly want to be "fair" about the compromise, maybe you can tell him to put on some muscle (if you like that) or lose weight or just get toned up. See if he's willing to do that for you.
But I really don't think dumping him is the mature and sensible way to handle this.
Good luck!0 -
First (and IMHO) most important, if you want to lose the weight do it for YOU, not for anyone else! If you do it for someone else, then you are setting yourself up to fail. Like many others here, it sounds like even if you were to lose the weight, he would then find another reason.
You are beautiful (inside and out), and if he cannot see that then it's his loss! As much as I would love to tell you to dump his incredibly shallow *kitten*, that is not for me to decide. You have to stop and really assess your relationship, is this really the only issue, or do you think there is something else going on?
And as you walk out the door, make sure he knows, if the 2 of you were walking hand and hand in the mall... YOU are the reason people would have been saying, "wow, what did he do to get so lucky!!!!"
:flowerforyou:0 -
Walk away from this knowing that you picked an idiot! Now do what is best for you, learn this lesson, and in the future, pick someone who is not an idiot!0
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You need to realize that a person who truly loves you will love you at your best and your worst, your thinnest and your fattest, your strongest and your weakest moments. There is a difference between wanting you to be healthy and happy and wanting you to look differently. I know that this is going to be a difficult thing for you to do, but PLEASE don't change yourself for a man. PLEASE.
Even if you were to lose weight and stay with him, what's next? Will you always live in fear of the scale? Will you always be afraid of what he will think if you gain or lose a pound? That is not fair. If you are going to lose weight, it needs to be because that is what YOU want, not what he wants.0 -
Run like the wind!0
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Run girl and keep running til you lose that weight...then you can run around his block and flip him off when he sees how hot you are0
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Run.
Run far away.
That is NOT love.
Run.
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^ Not worth it and you will find someone that will love you for you and not parts of you!0 -
You should end this relationship. It is one thing to be with someone who has an active lifestyle and wants you to participate in that, hence being a reasonable reason to ask you to lose weight or if he was concerned about his own health and wanted to lose weight with you as a team to be healthier. But it doesn't sound like he cares that much about his own fitness, only your aesthetics.
Chances are if you did start losing weight to apease him, your lifestyle would change and he wouldn't like it. I.E. no more going out to eat on dates, or you spending a lot of time at the gym. It would change your relationship a lot, especially if he wasn't making this change with you.
With all that being said, I wouldn't use this as an excuse to not try to be healthier and lose weight. You should lose weight because you will be happier with yourself if you do. Maybe right now isn't the best time, but when you are ready emotionally, do it.0 -
Run.
Run far away.
That is NOT love.
Run.
^^ THIS!
He sounds like an idiot. I would be incredibly hurt if anyone said those things to me and absolutely not tolerate it. You can do and you deserve WAY better than him and his family.0 -
I'm sorry you had to hear it, but hopefully you can make a healthy change in your life and grow from this experience. I'm glad he was honest with you, but it just sucks that he had to wait 2 1/2 years to realize this. Granted better he tells you now than after 10 years of marriage and a few kids.
If he really loved you he would be trying to motivate you and work out WITH you and eat healthy WITH you, rather than just tell you that YOU need to change. He should be trying to help you along the way. (Maybe he actually is I dunno, but if he IS trying to help you along the way then I'd say stick with him).0 -
I actually have a story that I would like to share with you if you want to send me a message. I just don't want to display it publicly.0
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I haven't had a chance to read all the responses, so I apologize if I'm repeating anything. You cannot choose to do anything for anyone but yourself. If you do, you'll end up miserable and resentful. Do it because it's what YOU want, not because it's what HE wants for you. Now on to him.... He made the decision to be with you even though you were overweight in the beginning. You have not changed. If he had an issue with your weight in the beginning, then he never should have made the decision to be with you, but he did. It obviously wasn't that big of a deal at the time. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't have a voice/mind of their own and would let their family rule their decisions? You're both adults, but it sounds like he's not adult enough to take what his family says with a grain of salt and live his own life. But honestly, it sounds like something else is up. Doesn't make sense that all of a sudden that would be the reason why he is acting different. If it were me, I'd think that there might be someone else....
If you two were married, what happens when you get pregnant and gain weight? What happens when you have to lose that baby weight? You're not going to be happy because it's going to be in the back of your mind that he wants you to lose it ASAP and that he may say something hurtful about it. It's also always going to be in the back of your mind that he's checking out all these thin girls, but doesn't look at you in the same way. I'd say, it's a good thing that you saw him for who he really is before you married him. You deserve so much better.0 -
Hi everyone!
I have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. He met me when I was overweight and didn't have a big problem with it. We were attracted to each other and had a pretty happy relationship. His family recently visited for the first time, and ever since then he has been treating me differently. When we talked about marriage, he said that he won't propose unless I lose a lot of weight. He said his family made him realize how heavy I am and he doesn't want to be with me if I am that overweight. I am 5'4" and 250 pounds. He said he doesn't want to be walking in the mall with me and have people wonder why he is with me. He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks. He wants someone that wears bikinis and short shorts. He said he has only been holding onto me because he loves me and hopes I will change. He said he would pay for me to reduce my boobs now just so I would look less heavy.
Obviously this hurt me a lot since I have been struggling with my weight since my sophomore year of college. He knows I try hard to lose and fall back into unhealthy emotional patterns. I have gone through surgery lately and faced setbacks. It hurts me that he loves me for me until he saw what his family said about my weight. Especially since they aren't thin people either. (Even he isn't super active and has a bit of a belly)
So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?
At least he was honest about what he wants in his life. He could have given you the old routine; "it's not you... it's me". I've got to ask you though, if situations were reversed and you were turned off by fat men and you yourself were slender and into fitness, would you just ignore the lack of physical attraction and date a fat guy anyway and never expect him to lose weight? Even if the guy physically turns you off? You could always just stay friends and avoid the physical part and continue to care for him as a friend. With an honest close look at what's going on you can better understand where he's coming from.
Now that we've got the obvious issue out of the way, you really should only lose weight as a choice that you make (if you really want to make it) to pursue a different lifestyle. Watching what you eat will never be "over". This isn't something you should take lightly or do to please someone else. In time you'll resent doing it for someone else more and more (especially after a fight).
Do it because you want to be a healthier, happier, future you. Never do it to be more like what someone else wants. It's a dead end street and you've got far too much living to do.0 -
if i were you i would dump him in a second!!! He is not good enough for you.0
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Wow, I don't even know what to say. This guy clearly doesn't have a brain on him or the balls to defend you in-front of his family. You was overweight when you met right and that didn't bother him? So its the influence his family's putting on him, that's made him act this way. What would I do? Walk away and don't look back. If a person truly loves you, they'll love you fat.. or thin. As you've said, you're trying to lose weight anyways. But losing weight, doesn't happen with a click of a fingers and he clearly doesn't understand that.
I myself am over weight, nineteen, 5'7 and weigh around 244 lbs (started off at 264). I've been wanting to lose weight for ages, but had to be put of for personal reasons. In October 2012, I weighed MORE then 264 lbs and met my current partner. Who's 11st .. handsome and got abs. When people see us together? They think " why is he attracted to that?" (well thats what I think) and I also think I have the most horrible body about. But he keeps reminding me, I'm beautiful now and will always be beautiful. When I have "binge" days, cause of my depression or I break down? It doesn't bother him cause me losing weight isn't for him, our relationship or anything. Its for me, to gain confidence and be happy with myself. Basically, what I'm trying to say is when somebody loves you? They support you through thick and thin, remind you of things and try to keep you feeling good about yourself. Even if you don't feel it.
He doesn't deserve you, he wants YOU to change.. so the people around you can he happy (his family, him). But you shouldn't be changing for them. You're doing it for yourself. Him putting you down? Isn't worth a breath in my opinion.0 -
He sounds like a complete moron, you don't deserve this...get out and get healthy for YOU. Sod him :drinker:0
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I say dump him... and then get super hot and rub it in his face.
Or at least, thats what I would do
^Exactly this! Lose the weight for you.. not for anyone else. Send him packing.. let him spend the rest of his life making Mommy & Daddy happy! Enough said? 0 -
YIKES.
When I started dating my current boyfriend about 4 years ago, I weighed in at about 275 (on a "thin" day), and he was probably 310.
Since then, he's actually gained 50 or so, and I've lost 125.
Whenever we spend time with his friends, they see me and say things like, "hey, you need to take a clue from her... she looks SO good" and then they turn to me and ask me what I've been doing to lose weight. The truth is, a lot of factors finally clicked for me to allow me to lose weight, and I did it for myself, but I also did it because I didn't want to be "the fat girl". Biologically, men in general are more inclined to treat girls that are height-weight proportionate differently (it took me a long time to figure this out). I am very self conscious and didn't want my boyfriend to feel pressure from his friends about why he was dating an overweight girl, even though they're all very nice guys and I am pretty sure it never would have come up in conversation.
We recently ran in to his dad, whom I hadn't seen really since we started dating. His dad was very complimentary of me, and asked him why I looked so good and he was still pudgy (for real - can't believe a parent would ever say this to a child). My heart broke, and I realized that it isn't just us girls who get flack for being overweight.
We have recently talked about getting married, and he has told me on multiple occasions, "don't think that I want to marry you now only because you've lost weight".
I'm giving you all of this backstory to know that you aren't alone. It's tough having extra lbs to lose - whether male or female - and you need to be with someone who is supportive and loving, no matter what your size. If your bf came to the conclusion that he couldn't be with you because of something as ridiculous as your weight (which is something you can change), you need to move on anyway.
If you lose weight, do it for you and your health. You're the one who lives in your body, you need to be happy with it. There are plenty of guys out there who will see you for who you are. And remember that when you do find "the one" that those vows are in sickness and in health, and forever - regardless of shape or size, let alone anything else. THAT is love.0 -
You are beautiful. Do not feel bullied into losing weight just so you're good enough for him. With that kind of attitude he's not good enough for YOU.
Ditch him and then lose the weight for yourself.
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I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either.
i would bet you would be correct.
shame on the family for saying word one on the matter.0 -
Dump his pathetic a**. This makes me so friggin mad. This will never end! Why be with someone who doesnt love you for you. Do you really want to be part of a family that is disrespectful like that? That judges people? That judges YOU, their sons girlfriend that he loves. This guy is an a-hole and if you stay with him, you will not be happy. Ever. Having someone judge you, and COMPARE you to others is not worth your time. Your with a guy that wishes you were someone else. F**K THAT! YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.0
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I say dump him... and then get super hot and rub it in his face.
Or at least, thats what I would do
Exactly! lol
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2.5 years is a lot to throw away on words. Not easy to find another partner. Most say lose weight for yourself. Agreed. However, input from partner should be considered -both ways- it's a compromise. (I am not agreeing with way it was said in this case).0
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if you were perfect for him, you'd be perfect as is, no changing for HIM, but for YOU, IF you want to. I'm sorry to say, but I'd be pretty upset if someone told me that.0
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First off-that is no way in hell I would be with someone who treated me or talked to me like that. You need to realize you deserve better than that! I would lose the weight FOR YOU! not for him! And when you do lose the weight, you can walk by him and be like see this is what ur missing and snap your fingers and walk away! lol....but in all seriousness you do need to be with someone who will motivate you in the right way and be there and love you no matter what you look like!!!0
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Run!! Run!! Run!! And I am not saying that as a weight loss perspective. Run from him and his family. You can lose the weight. I am not sure if he can grow a backbone to stand up to his family.
If he came to you with legitamite concerns about health, potentailly starting a family, etc and offered support to get healthy together it would be completely different. As it is, he sounds like a horse's *kitten*.0 -
Hey
My heart goes out to you.
The question is what do you want to do?
In the end this is your decision, but since you decided to turn to others for advice, I'm thinking you've already made your decision. I really do feel for you. The fact that you were over weight to begin with and now, he's telling you he won't marry you unless you lose weight is the saddest thing I've ever heard. I would pity him. Apparently he isn't strong enough to make his own mind up and depends on others point of views to decide on what/who he wants and loves. No one will ever get far on life if they depend on others to make these decisions for them. You, you are beautiful regardless if you are over weight or not. You need to be healthy for yourself and no one else. People can inspire you, but this is for your life. Don't let others force you to change yourself, do it for yourself.0 -
Yes, definitely lose that weight, get your self esteem boosted.......then dump him and find someone worth having.0
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I should move on and feel grateful that he told me now before I waste any more of my life on him!
Fixed that for ya.0
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