How do you explain death to a child?

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  • morielia
    morielia Posts: 169 Member
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    I don't have kids, but I have quite a few young ones around that belong to other people, and I've found that they usually have anxiety like this when they get "Grandma went to sleep and isn't going to wake up." They develop anxiety then about going to sleep because sleep now = never waking up. Kids so easily misconstrue things, and they're so literal, it could've been almost anything that triggered it, and he may not have realized he was making the association with anything or couldn't verbalize it. Best to just be honest and talk to him in simple terms that can't be twisted into anything terrifying.
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
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    I think it's kind of like the T.V. breaking. The shows are still happening, but you can't see them. All you see is the silent shell of what T.V. is.

    Since physics says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it only changes form; it seems to fit, but in a very simplistic way that even a child can follow.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
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    He even asked me one day if I would be his gaurdian angel when I died too, just like his dad is. It kind of shocked me for a minute because of the fact that I couldn't even talk about stuff like that when I was his age. Of course I just smiled and gave him the biggest hug and said, of course I will buddy. :heart:

    Awww, tears!!
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    As for being afraid of death, you can if you want to. I see no point in thinking about it at all, except when it's time to buy life insurance. Nothing's guaranteed, right? Except death and taxes. And not even in that order.

    I don't want to. I'd love to go through life without thinking or worrying about death, but I do. It's just how I'm programmed I guess. I'm overly compassionate and I hurt for people that lose loved ones that I don't even know. I know it's inevitable, but it's still my biggest fear, especially now that I have a child of my own.

    maybe you should explore religions and their beleifs about death. it sounds like you are living with more fear than you should. one of the explanations should resonate with you and may offer you some peace of mind, for yourself. then this calm can be relayed onto your child maybe.
  • brendaj39
    brendaj39 Posts: 375 Member
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    I do not remember this at all, but my dad died when I was 2, I guess every time we drove by the funeral home I kept telling my mom that daddy was in there and we should get him. She called the funeral home and he said she could bring me in so I could "look" for my dad. I guess I went into the room where he was for the visitation and saw he wasn't there and left and after that I never brought him up again.

    I guess that helped me when I was 2. But like I said I don't remember him or that at all.

    The death I remember the most when I was young was my Grandma, she had died when I was 7, but from losing pets I knew when someone or something died, they never came back so to speak.

    I would just reassure him that he will have many years and he should enjoy them. Death isn't meant to be scarey, its almost like a new beginning...
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
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    You have gotten a lot of good advice...I agree with the main points of "keep it simple" and say what you're comfortable saying. I'm sending a link to Mr. Rogers (you may be too young to know who he was) website. I think you'll find it helpful as well.
    http://www.fredrogers.org/FRC/par-death.html

    Watched him as a kid :wink: thanks!
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I think it's kind of like the T.V. breaking. The shows are still happening, but you can't see them. All you see is the silent shell of what T.V. is.

    Since physics says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it only changes form; it seems to fit, but in a very simplistic way that even a child can follow.

    Ooh! I can't wait to say this the next time I'm at church for a wedding or funeral.
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
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    My parents bought me a goldfish and had me watch Old Yeller.

    I'm still traumatized.

    LOL. Old Yeller...good ol' tear jerker....

    oh wow thats just yikes! :(
  • fitandfeminist
    fitandfeminist Posts: 5 Member
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    I don't have children of my own but last semester, I took a course on Death and Bereavement for school. Our Professor's focus was on working with children who were experiencing a loss (grieving a parent, sibling, grandparent, friend, etc.). And the one point he put forth over and over and over was that we need to be honest with the child. He actually advocated not using any religious explanations but rather discussing the science and giving factual statements rather than statements of beliefs. He said that most children tend to be very curious about it and interested in the scientific aspects. I guess I would suggest telling your child to ask any questions they want and that you'll answer them as truthfully as you can. There are also a lot of books about death that don't necessarily rely on religion/belief systems to explain death to children so perhaps getting one of those as a means of discussing the subject with your child would help. Anyway, hope that helps if even in the slightest bit!
  • ruckerbenton
    ruckerbenton Posts: 94
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    There is a children's book, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf," that demonstrates the life cycle by using the seasons and the changes the leaf makes before falling off the tree and dying in the fall. At 3 1/2 I'm not sure he'll get it but it is worth a try. I have used this book in grief counseling with adults. My Chaplain friend has had great experiences using this with children. Best wishes!
  • bennysammysofie
    bennysammysofie Posts: 331
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    I think an honest, but not BRUTALLY honest approach, is the best way to handle it. As long as you assure the child that they are in no danger of dying, I believe teaching them about death is a great thing. Death sucks. First time my son saw me cry was 2 years ago when my dog of 11 years died. I think it taught him LOTS of lessons of how to handle himself if/when death becomes a part of his life someday.
  • soldier4242
    soldier4242 Posts: 1,368 Member
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    My mother is an atheist. I dont know what age i was when i started to worry alot about death, but i remember she told me that when we die its just like sleeping it was nothing bad. It was just calm and peacefull. This didnt help me at all. Neither growing without religion. I will tell my childreen that they will go to heaven. You dont have to give them the bible or go much into religious details, or spirituality or anything. When they are old enought to understand how life works , you can have a different aproach. Not now...

    I completely disagree with this one. If you don't believe in what religions have to say you don't want to borrow you answers from them.


    Why not ? its a 2 year old man , are u gonna quote darwin to him ?

    "The Origin of Species" is not an atheist bible so no I would not quote Darwin. I realize you weren't being serious you were just mocking me because I disagreed with you and you don't think there is anything an atheist could say to a child in this situation.

    There are a ton of reasons why an atheist should not do as you suggest. Without going into too much detail and in an effort to avoid offending anyone I will attempt to explain with a brief look at why.

    If the child were to continue asking questions as children often do the atheist could be hit with a few whoppers really fast.

    Where is Heaven?
    What is Heaven?
    Why Heaven and not some place else?
    Does everyone go to Heaven?
    Is my dog in Heaven?

    If I am not comfortable with lying about Heaven I am definitely not comfortable with lying about Hell. The punitive system of reward and punishment that is outlined in religion basically has Heaven as the carrot and Hell as the stick. For those that believe in this and see it as a good thing there is nothing wrong with that I won't tell another parent how to raise their kid. But as for someone who does not care to pick up the baggage of explaining what Heaven and Hell are to their own child I would think it is not advisable to open that can of worms.
  • silvergurl518
    silvergurl518 Posts: 4,123 Member
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    I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

    A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

    First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

    I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

    I think that about sums it up.

    Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

    this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.

    i'm glad you were helped by this and am proud the author is on my FL. one word of caution though, with a young child as yours you will need to be brief and hit the highlights of whatever answer you choose. I like Be-leakings answer the best so far for your particular situation and age of your child. simple, to the point, honest, and redirects.

    FYI: i don't have kids. i was talking about how it was helpful to ME...as i'm still somewhat afraid of death. and how it will be helpful in the future as well. yes, i agree--lea's answer about living in the hearts of her child/ren is also to the point without saying anything too descriptive (of either extreme).
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
    Options
    I don't have children of my own but last semester, I took a course on Death and Bereavement for school. Our Professor's focus was on working with children who were experiencing a loss (grieving a parent, sibling, grandparent, friend, etc.). And the one point he put forth over and over and over was that we need to be honest with the child. He actually advocated not using any religious explanations but rather discussing the science and giving factual statements rather than statements of beliefs. He said that most children tend to be very curious about it and interested in the scientific aspects. I guess I would suggest telling your child to ask any questions they want and that you'll answer them as truthfully as you can. There are also a lot of books about death that don't necessarily rely on religion/belief systems to explain death to children so perhaps getting one of those as a means of discussing the subject with your child would help. Anyway, hope that helps if even in the slightest bit!

    It does! He asks questions constantly and as much as I'd like to say "I don't know!" I don't brush him off and I always answer his questions honestly. That's how they learn, and I love how curious he is.
  • richardheath
    richardheath Posts: 1,276 Member
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    Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.

    I do not agree with this answer, no offence to the poster.

    I think for a very small child they need to have some answers and reassurance from the parents/carers.

    The children will cope better in life if they get answers with choices/options to questions that you may not even know the answer to?

    Saying you `do not know` is not reassuring and could cause anxiety.

    So the options are saying "I don't know", or making something - anything - up, as long as it is reassuring?

    I go for the honesty route myself. If I don't know the answer to a question (any question) from one of my kids, I'll say "I don't know... but how about we look it up?" or "I don't know, but here is what I think...". I'm an atheist, and I don't believe in an afterlife. When this came up with my kids, I used the Circle of Life, as well as "we are made of star stuff".

    But just because you are being honest with your kids, it doesn't mean you have to do it a heartless or cold way. Tell them and show them that you love them, and promise that you'll be there for as long as you can, and you plan on it being a very long time.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
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    I think an honest, but not BRUTALLY honest approach, is the best way to handle it. As long as you assure the child that they are in no danger of dying, I believe teaching them about death is a great thing. Death sucks. First time my son saw me cry was 2 years ago when my dog of 11 years died. I think it taught him LOTS of lessons of how to handle himself if/when death becomes a part of his life someday.

    I agree 100%!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

    A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

    First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

    I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

    I think that about sums it up.

    Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

    this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.

    Oh, thank you!!! :heart: :heart: :heart:

    Also, my kids are 6 and almost 9. And they ask a lot of questions, so this was not one big conversation, but a quick summary of many conversations and still many more to go.

    And another explanation about why we should not live in fear is because what if the thing we fear never happens, then we will have lived our whole life fearing something that never happened. When bad things happen we will rise to the occasion and deal with it, but it's better to enjoy our lives and enjoy the people that are in our lives.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

    A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

    First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

    I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

    I think that about sums it up.

    Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

    this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.

    i'm glad you were helped by this and am proud the author is on my FL. one word of caution though, with a young child as yours you will need to be brief and hit the highlights of whatever answer you choose. I like Be-leakings answer the best so far for your particular situation and age of your child. simple, to the point, honest, and redirects.

    FYI: i don't have kids. i was talking about how it was helpful to ME...as i'm still somewhat afraid of death. and how it will be helpful in the future as well. yes, i agree--lea's answer about living in the hearts of her child/ren is also to the point without saying anything too descriptive (of either extreme).

    oops my mistake i was still thinking of OP's young child when I wrote the words of caution part.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.

    A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.

    First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.

    I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.

    I think that about sums it up.

    Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).

    this is just beautiful. thank you. i may be pushing 30 but i still have fears of death myself...and no kiddies yet...so this gives me not only a perspective for future kiddos but for myself as well. xoxoxoxo.

    Oh, thank you!!! :heart: :heart: :heart:

    Also, my kids are 6 and almost 9. And they ask a lot of questions, so this was not one big conversation, but a quick summary of many conversations and still many more to go.

    as I suspected. This BTW is the best way to handle all the heavy topics of parenting.
  • FearAndTrembling
    FearAndTrembling Posts: 54
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    Tell him he's not gonna die and you're not either. He's 3.

    I don't lie to him. I don't always give him the cold, ugly truth about things and I do make my answers age appropriate, but I wouldn't tell him something that simply is not true.

    Do you tell him Santa, the Tooth Fairy, etc isn't real?

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