Ideas for *witty* responses to healthy haters

So a close relative remarked, " You can still see the roots on those," as I was happily eating lightly broiled brussels sprouts.
"Yeah, you know where they came from," I responded.

She continued her rant about eating vegetables. My quip did not make her laugh or shut up.

I need better, smart-*kitten*, but funny quips/comebacks that will shut people up. I haven't found anything online. Come on, there had to be funny healthy people, right?

Reading through some of the responses in this thread, it's amazing the sense of superiority eating vegetables seems to give some people.

Great attempt at trolling!

Not looking to troll at all. Straight up observation of how some of the responses come across.

Well... I'm a vegetarian. Once my coworker saw me eating mushrooms and said "eeew, you're eating fungus", and I replied, "well, I just watched you eat a corpse, so what do you care?". Not my finest hour, but she stopped talking about my food.

Well... I'm a vegetarian. Once my coworker saw me eating mushrooms and said "eeew, you're eating fungus", and I replied, "well, I just watched you eat a corpse, so what do you care?". Not my finest hour, but she stopped talking about my food.

I don't care about haters.

I'm too busy being awesome.

I have to second this. ^_^

I typically go all nerdy on people like that. "Actually, brussel sprouts come off of a stalk. One stalk produces a bunch of these little guys. What you are thinking is a root is the part where the bud connects to that stalk (hold up a sprout speared on your fork and point it out). Did you know that brussel sprouts are a type of cabbage? They aren't actually baby cabbages like some people think. I like them best broiled, because they aren't very tasty overcooked and they lose some of their nutritional punch. In fact, overcooking is what typically has given brussel sprouts such a bad rep. People or restaurants overcook them and they taste too strong or smell stinky and people decide that all brussel sprouts are nasty. Done right they are really tasty. Want to try one?" I'm also likely to break out the smart phone and pull up a picture of brussel sprouts on a stalk to show them. By the time I'm done with educational speech they typically don't want a repeat and will move on and not prompt another teachable moment.

I also use the overshare technique. I eat a lot of "funny" things, because I can't eat the original versions of much anymore. These healified versions or bringing my own foods to a gathering or having to abstain from eating at all often gets called into question for being overly picky, weird, dramatic, or gross. This year I've been diagnosed as a celiac, no more gluteny goodness, and with allergies to dairy, eggs, and cranberries. Through elimination diets with my doctor we've discovered that my body doesn't digest starch and sugar well (sometimes even natural sugars in fruits, low glycemic sugars, or regular old sugar). I have further health problems that cause such huge issues with rapid weight gain which make certain foods no go's when symptoms act up. To top it all off I lost my gallbladder and eating anything too fatty gives me tummy upsets. So, you can imagine that I have plenty of side effects that I can "overshare" when I eat the wrong thing or too much of something. Telling someone that you will have explosive diarrhea if you ate what they are or that you really don't want to blow up like a gas filled balloon or that you don't care to be the walking fart joke or that you don't want to wake up the next morning hurling or the last rash you got from that food spread over half your body and took on the appearance of a bad burn before finally starting to ooze or you aren't comfortable with the excess mucus that the food would cause and since it makes you have difficulty swallowing it is twice as bad makes them back off really quick. This is especially effective if done when they are eating as well. If done around a dinner table others will likely change the subject very quickly and save you even if the original culprit doesn't.

I say this to my 4 and 5 year old students in class.. and granted I think it sadly applies to adults.

They comment on my food.. which normally consists of "Ewww... I HATE LETTUCE!" and without skipping a beat I smile brightly pick up my fork and say

"Oh? Well good thing this is my lunch, I didn't offer any to you.."

They normally look a little startled but they're learning not only to not comment on my food but their peers either.

Like.

My five year old takes salads for lunch several times a week and loves them. He got teased at the beginning of the year and I told told him to tell them it doesn't matter if they like it because he does. It's since subsided. Most of the teachers are jealous of his lunches. :laugh: