Critical Spouse?!!!
Replies
-
It probably won't help, but you could tell him that his attacks only add to the problem and that it would be more help to support you rather than drive you to emotions that make you eat at present.
Great advice.0 -
perhaps he is the one making you unhappy which leads to you eating more ? you don't need someone in your life that makes you feel bad about your self x0
-
He sounds like a d*ck.0
-
They do it to keep your self esteem low so you wont feel beautiful enough to leave them. I see it ALL the time.0
-
Oh goodness....I can so relate to this. I was an emotional eater, had serious self-esteem issues, and spent some time in counseling which greatly helped me understand that my self worth is not tied to my weight and I'm not defined by it. (Doesn't mean I accepted my weight or OK with it, but I can still be a respected professional woman even though I wasn't a size 6). I am now divorced...and my life is SO different, in an amazing way. He told me he was leaving me because of my weight (only 10 pounds heavier than when we met, 2 babies later) and after months of counseling, I still didn't have a "real" answer from him, but the counselor held me back after our final session and said "you know this isn't about your weight, right?" and had a conversation about my ex's own emotional issues. And you know what I learned....HE was the cause of a lot of my emotional eating!!!! Holy cow! Epiphany!
But I think it comes down to this....he clearly doesn't love you, not truly, not completely, not unconditionally to be treating you that way, and YOU DESERVE to be loved truly, completely, unconditionally. You do deserve to love yourself that way AND be loved by others (romantic or not). But only you can find it. Here is a great place to starting looking!0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
I don't think it's fair to lump all men together in this. JERKS do this. Not men.0 -
wow! well, first i want to just say THANK YOU to everyone for the support!!!! i can def feel the love! I wish that i had the time to respond to each of you individually.
last night was kind of a breaking point for me. today i needed to vent and get some "outside" advice from people other than my family and friends because they are too close to the situation.
My husband and I have deep rooted issues. In his defense, he DID have a pretty terrible upbringing.....which has def leaked over into our marriage. He was abandoned at an orphanage by his parents when he was a child. I think that he has taken on this "i'll hurt you before you have the chance to hurt me" attitude. We have been married almost 7 years, and it has taken me until now to figure this out.
It is without a doubt a very emotionally abusive relationship. I am working on getting counseling for myself. He of course "does not need it". and those are not MY words
i agree with everybody that said it would almost be easier if he would just leave bruises on me. at least then i could SEE the abuse. somebody doesn't have to hit you for you to "feel" it 
We have our good days and our bad days.
i easily have a good 30-40 pounds to lose until i could at least feel comfortable in my own skin again. I am setting small daily goals for myself in my weight loss journey. All last month i worked on getting into some kind of work out routine. This month i have started logging my food. It really helps actually SEEING it. Thank you all SOOOOOOOO much for the support.
Christabelle - It's unfortunate that your DH had a terrible upbringing. But that does NOT automatically justify him to be abusive to you. He's an adult - he has the choice to move on from his childhood issues, or not. Just as you have the choice to go to counselling, or not. And FWIW, please do get some counselling - for YOU and your self-esteem issues. Within 6-8 sessions or so, it will become clear to you if you wish to live without him, or if you wish to learn strategies on how to live with him.
Re binge eating etc - track EVERYTHING in your MFP. Plan your healthy, balanced daily meals out first, using all or most of your calories. And then try making a deal with yourself that you can "binge", however you have to "earn" those calories through exercise in advance. This small shift in behaviour TOTALLY worked for me, and I've only binged once since I started MFP in early January. And that one time I did binge? It was NOWHERE near the volume of what I used to binge. For me, keeping my calories at my daily allotment is hugely empowering. And with a little planning, it's a very easy thing to accomplish. And you know what they say, success begets success.
Feel free to add me as a friend if you would like some true support.
0 -
Yup... critical spouse...0
-
Relationship counseling.
Now.
YESTERDAY.
There is something going on that is much bigger than a diet issue.
^^^YES.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, the sooner you both get help the better.
Good luck. 0 -
if a man puts you down like that and you are willing to put up with it, that's your life.
But if you have children, you have a duty to do something about it.
My dad talked **** about my mom like that and when I asked my mom years later why she let him do that, she said it didn't bother her. She didn't let him control how she felt about herself. I guess she didn't realize it affected how I felt about myself as a woman to constantly hear my dad tell my mom what a woman "should" look like.
Surprise surprise I developed ED's.0 -
As a fellow a-hole, I can say that this just might be your husband's strange way of motivating you.0
-
Mmm...no thanks. I'm sorry but I could not be with anyone like that. BUT while I say that - my Husband it the type to say in the morning "I want to support you 110%" and then he goes an buys me a 1/2 dozen of giant cupcakes. lol.
He does love me but sometime I swear he wants to keep me fat. :laugh:
Anyhow - I am sorry to hear that your Husband is a total douche bag. Try giving him a taste of his own medicine. Claim that his penis is small and remind him everyday how his penis just seems so small these days and maybe he should look into possibly some "enhancements". :laugh:
Good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
As a fellow a-hole, I can say that this just might be your husband's strange way of motivating you.
As a human being concerned about other human beings, just think I should put out a PSA:
Verbal abuse is NOT motivating.0 -
Both of you need to get to counseling ASAP. Go alone if you have to.0
-
Total strangers should not express more love and concern for you than your own spouse.
You should NEVER be afraid to hear what your spouse has to say.
These rules go for men and women.
I truly wish you the very best. There is no easy solution (but I hope you make the one that's best for you no matter how difficult it is).0 -
Guys like this usually never talk this way before you get married. Then after you’re married oe engaged they start controlling you, showing jealous behavior and eventually abuse down the road. You should move on before he starts the abuse.0
-
He is supposed to be my best friend and my partner in this ... but he is so MEAN. Any time I tell him about any progress that I have made (as small as it may be), he'll tell me to get on the scale and "prove it".
Wow, that's abusive.0 -
I lost 50 pounds 4 years ago and I have gained on 10 back in the last two years. I am working on getting that off now. I wrote in my journal ( and I never keep a journal, just started for weight loss at the time) that my husband had commented, "good luck with that" when I told him I was going to lose weight! Well I did it! Let me tell you this, name calling is never acceptable and is hurtful at the wort of times and devastating coming from someone you love! Maybe your husband is insecure and privately worries that you will not care for him as much if you look your best. maybe he has issues with his own self esteem...hurt people hurt people. I suggest you tell him how his actions hurt you, then focus on ignoring his behavior and motivating yourself. I am an emotional eater too, try not to let what anyone says get the best of you or you will continue to be emotional and eat! Keep healthy snack readily available in case of meltdowns, apples, celery peanut butter...get out of the house if your emotional, walk, pull weeds, do something productive. I also want to share something I am really trying to incorporate in my life. Declaring and decreeing. I am a Christian pastor and I really believe that what comes out of your mouth has power. I have started declaring what I want for myself. I pray and then out loud I begin to say what I want for my life. I include my children's safety, and wellness, my own good health and even what I want from my marriage. Try declaring that your husband feels good about himself, and that he uplifts and supports you and see what happens!0
-
As a fellow a-hole, I can say that this just might be your husband's strange way of motivating you.
Dude, I'm a huge a-hole, but I would NEVER treat my wife like that. It's emotional abuse.0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
This.0 -
You should know that there are men in this world that DO NOT do this. My husband is so wonderful and supportive and always tells me I look great no matter what. Not only that but he was equally "handsy" with me (in a good way lol!) at my highest weight as he is now, or as he was when we first got together. He would never even dream of saying something critical or insulting that like.
I really don't understand why women marry men like that in the first place really... there are so many wonderful single guys out there who do not treat women like crap.0 -
Hello,
I am new around here. I joined MFP because I wanted to meet others "like me". I exercise pretty consistently, however, i am an emotional eater and have trouble with binge eating. When I am depressed, stressed, or lonely I eat WAY more than i should to basically self medicate. I do it in private so that nobody sees. BUT, it shows all over my body .... as my husband reminds me DAILY.
My husband constantly picks on me about my weight and it crushes me. He does not understand my struggle and basically makes fun of me, calls me terrible names, and critiques any and everything he sees me eat.....hence the eating in secret. He doesn't understand how food could actually be a problem for anyone and thinks it should be an easy fix.
He is supposed to be my best friend and my partner in this ... but he is so MEAN. Any time I tell him about any progress that I have made (as small as it may be), he'll tell me to get on the scale and "prove it".
It's SO discouraging.
Anybody else dealing with anything similar? Binge eating? Critical spouse?!
You're husband in a verbally abusive jerk. This isn't a weight problem, it's a relationship problem. I'd strongly suggest marriage counseling. Put your big girl panties on and don't let him treat you that way!!!!!0 -
Please get yourself into individual counseling, even if he refuses marital counseling (#redflag).
Staying with him is your choice; but for all that is holy, do not procreate with this *kitten*. If he so easily says these horrible things to you, be very sure that any children you have will be subject to the same abuse.0 -
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
^^This says it all0 -
Sounds like your husband is insecure. Please don't allow him to discourage you from your goal. You deserve to be happy with yourself. No one deserves to be called names and especially not from your spouse, who is suppose to always have your back. You need to put him on notice that the disrespect and name calling must stop immediately. When you tell him this, mean it. No threats, just say what you mean and mean what you say. Abuse from anyone is unacceptable.0
-
My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:
Real Men don't do this.
This.
Also agree.0 -
This content has been removed.
-
That kind of "motivation" is not motivating. At all. If that's what he thinks he's doing, he's ten kinds of wrong.
He's not just trying to motivate you, he's trying to control you. He figures if he shames you enough you'll do what he wants: lose weight to be more appealing to him. Meanwhile, you actually do want to lose weight for probably a hundred other reasons, and his abuse is ironically having the exact opposite effect. Classic.
You've got to kill this cycle, permanently. There are a few different ways to do it. Some of them require his cooperation, like the counseling several people already suggested (that he has already refused thus far). Some of them don't, like you leaving him, which several other people already suggested.
Whatever you choose to do, keep this in mind: You can't change him any more than he can change you. You can only change yourself, and your reactions to his behavior. He needs to realize this same thing: he's not going to get what he wants this way. He's driving you away. It's weakening your trust and intimacy instead of strengthening it, which would give you much needed support as you tackle your issues. If you can't get him to go to counseling, at least voice your needs calmly and clearly, explain why his approach is not working, and stand your ground. If he's not willing to stop the abuse, you need to ask yourself why you would stay with someone who treats you so poorly. He's in the wrong for what he's doing. But if you continue to put up with it, you're in the wrong for staying, no matter what excuses you make for the situation.
TL;DR?
We teach others how to treat us every single day.0 -
This content has been removed.
-
This content has been removed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions