A man says "need time" ... question for the men
Replies
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I'm sorry. In my experience, this usually means he is trying to get the guts to break up and this just helps break the ice since he has no spine, or he is trying to decide between this gal or that one, and that "time off" is really just a free pass to take that other lady for a spin to see if she fits as well as you. My guess would be that his new job had some one that he took a fancy to. This has always been my experience. I certainly hope that this is not the case here.0
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Much needed levity!! :drinker:0
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Go out to the bar with some girlfriends this weekend. Get hammered and send him a drunk group picture. Preferably with girl kissing.
Follow up almost immediately with a text that says, "Sorry that was for someone else."
You will have him lapping at your heels within a week,
Much needed levity!! :laugh: :laugh: :drinker:0 -
I think you need to not contact him whatsoever, let him come to you. Like others have said, contacting him will drive him further away. Try your best to keep busy, so that you're not sitting around thinking because that will only make it worse on you. If it's meant to be, he will come back and if not, it's his loss and you deserve better
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Take time to work on you too. Discover who you are and how you feel when he's not around. We all loose a little of ourselves when we're with someone to become an US, so much that we forget who we are as an individual. Work on that individual. Sign up for pilates, yoga, cooking class, whatever, just do something for you. When you reunite to discuss the matter you may discover that you too may have needed that time as well.
^^^This0 -
True story -
My boyfriend and I had been dating for several months, things were real good, we were talking marriage. Then, out of the blue, he wouldn't return my calls. I finally tracked him down at his friends house, asked him what was going on and he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore. I was shocked & devastated.
He wanted to be left alone, so I left him alone. I figured if he wanted to get back with me, I would be the first person to know. We ran into each other about a week later, purely coincidental, talked about things, made up and got married 3 months later. That was 11 years ago tomorrow.
Moral of the story - give him his space and time. If he realizes he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If he doesn't, nagging and clinging won't get him to change his mind.0 -
Look, Listen, and give space.
Not every man is the same. Having prejudices from prior relationships intrude upon your current enhances the probability of failure.
oh, and STOP OVER THINKING.0 -
Yeah, that's going to work 'cause playing games never fails.0
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I'd give him all the same he needs and break up for a while. Not in a terribly dramatic way -- not in a way that includes accusations of abandonment -- but in a way that respects his need for time, but also your need to have a clear idea of where your relationship or lack thereof, stands.
I am not saying you'll never get back together, but I don't know how you can in a relationship with somebody who wants to cut off all lines of communication for a undefined periods of time. Needing a weekend apart? Sure. Needing to spend more time with his hobbies or kids or whatever, sure? Going totally off the grid ... I think that's where you draw the line.0 -
He's sleeping with someone else and trying to figure out which one of you he likes better.0
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True story -
My boyfriend and I had been dating for several months, things were real good, we were talking marriage. Then, out of the blue, he wouldn't return my calls. I finally tracked him down at his friends house, asked him what was going on and he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore. I was shocked & devastated.
He wanted to be left alone, so I left him alone. I figured if he wanted to get back with me, I would be the first person to know. We ran into each other about a week later, purely coincidental, talked about things, made up and got married 3 months later. That was 11 years ago tomorrow.
Moral of the story - give him his space and time. If he realizes he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If he doesn't, nagging and clinging won't get him to change his mind.
This is kind of what I was thinking. Maybe he realized that things are getting kind of serious between the two of you, and he got scared and just needs some time to sort through his feelings. It happens... trust me.0 -
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
It means he is not ready to dump you until he has had the opportunity to see if he can do better. If he can't do any better, then he needs something to fall back on, and since you'll put up with *kitten* like that...you're elected.0 -
Decide what is reasonable to you... 2 weeks, a Month.. fill your life with friends and fun activities. If at the end of that, he still hasn't come around, move on. If he comes back down the road, it'll be up to you wether he is welcome or not.0
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Prepare yourself to be broken up with. Whoever said guys are very direct is correct, but also hasn't accounted for the guys who are so nice that they feel guilty for breaking up because the woman's a good woman - just not good for him. And this was my nice way of saying this:It means he is not ready to dump you until he has had the opportunity to see if he can do better. If he can't do any better, then he needs something to fall back on, and since you'll put up with *kitten* like that...you're elected.0
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even women use that sometimes to lead up to good bye.
It actually seems like he's feeling out his options. "figuring out his life" He wants to keep you on the line while he explores a couple other avenues and if they don't work out you're there waiting for him.
Id say no bueno. If he wants time.. then take a "break" and you get your freedom as well. If he gets his *kitten* figured out you can try it again.0 -
Give him his time he needs..you go out and have some fun, don't mope around..if he comes back, great..if he doesn't, you haven't wasted time moping over him.0
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It's a code that says he wants to see other women.
Don't chase him!!!
my thought exactly.0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.0 -
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
It means he is not ready to dump you until he has had the opportunity to see if he can do better. If he can't do any better, then he needs something to fall back on, and since you'll put up with *kitten* like that...you're elected.
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That's tough. I'm not sure how I would respond... I would hope that I would give him his space and go have a lot of fun, post a bunch of FB pictures of me and the girls hanging out, having a great time, and occasionally send him a friend-text, asking how he's doing with a little smiley face on the end.
I'm half-joking, though. Maybe he found out a parent or relative is very ill. Maybe he's dealing with something intensely personal and doesn't feel like dragging you into it. On the other hand, maybe he's pulling away and found someone else. It's hard to know off of such little info. All you can do is have respect for yourself, honor his wishes and hope for the best. In the meantime, don't stop living.
Best of luck.
The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.0 -
Normally, guys don't do the whole double meaning thing. They say what they mean and us women tend to over analyze what they say.
This... Guys are pretty straight up with stuff. Give him some time, but be there for him if he needs.
Usually there is not a double meaning & us women create more of an issue....however, it feels red flaggish
Like others said, give him his space, do your own thing but put a limit on it.
his happiness is NOT more important than your ownTrue story -
My boyfriend and I had been dating for several months, things were real good, we were talking marriage. Then, out of the blue, he wouldn't return my calls. I finally tracked him down at his friends house, asked him what was going on and he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore. I was shocked & devastated.
He wanted to be left alone, so I left him alone. I figured if he wanted to get back with me, I would be the first person to know. We ran into each other about a week later, purely coincidental, talked about things, made up and got married 3 months later. That was 11 years ago tomorrow.
Moral of the story - give him his space and time. If he realizes he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If he doesn't, nagging and clinging won't get him to change his mind
And don't listen to stories like this....YOU are the exception - that is not generally the "rule" haha things don't normally work out like that for people0 -
In 2007 I started dating a fella casually and had no intentions for anything to blossom from it. Six months later I realized my heart was getting into it and I got cold feet (due to a lot of failed relationships) and I told him I needed space. I told him to please not call me, text, or email me. I needed time to think. He was an absolute gem and gave me exactly what I asked for, he left me alone. I texted him about two - three weeks later and the communcation started back slowly. Our four year wedding anniversary is coming up on the 17th of this month. He is my best friend (and he was then too but fear got a hold of my heart) and means everything to me. I've told a number of friends that the best thing he ever did for our relationship was show me that he cared enough about me to give me the space I needed to get my thoughts together. To me, that was real love. I know it was hard for him.
That is MY story and I only share it to give you another perspective. I know it is hard to break all communication when you are used to talking to someone every day but it may be the best thing. Had my fella pestered me it would have driven me away. I have always found clingy people irritating. I really needed that time. And I discovered that he isn't at all clingy nor does he depend me to get by but he WANTS me which is entirely attractive and endearing to me.
Wishing and hoping for the best for you. Hang in there! 0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.0 -
step back give him room to breathe already!!
in the mean time you do what you want to ....0 -
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
Seems like a terrific chance for you to have some time for you and have fun. Getting the message that someone wants space from you is no fun - it is ouchie, but make the most of it for you! Wonder if you feel you may be too dependent?0 -
That's tough. I'm not sure how I would respond... I would hope that I would give him his space and go have a lot of fun, post a bunch of FB pictures of me and the girls hanging out, having a great time, and occasionally send him a friend-text, asking how he's doing with a little smiley face on the end.
I'm half-joking, though. Maybe he found out a parent or relative is very ill. Maybe he's dealing with something intensely personal and doesn't feel like dragging you into it. On the other hand, maybe he's pulling away and found someone else. It's hard to know off of such little info. All you can do is have respect for yourself, honor his wishes and hope for the best. In the meantime, don't stop living.
Best of luck.
The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.
Dating as a single parent can be stressful too....to the extent that it's not even worth it sometimes.
Now this is just my own feelings, if a guy suggested I talk to my ex about taking my daughter more, I'd get annoyed. I think it's fantastic that he is with his kids that much.
When a couple isn't actually separated and have kids together, they don't get to easily ship their kids off....you have to figure out a way to make the relationship work with the kids involved and it's tricky.0 -
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
It means he is not ready to dump you until he has had the opportunity to see if he can do better. If he can't do any better, then he needs something to fall back on, and since you'll put up with *kitten* like that...you're elected.
^^0 -
Awesome response!0
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This situation brought to my mind the phrase "he's just not that into you". Women should never chase after a man that doesn't want you just as much, it is just humiliating.0
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It's a code that says he wants to see other women.
Don't chase him!!!
Yea, because then you do become the Stage 5 Clinger and NO ONE wants THAT girl. No one.
this0
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