A man says "need time" ... question for the men

In 2007 I started dating a fella casually and had no intentions for anything to blossom from it. Six months later I realized my heart was getting into it and I got cold feet (due to a lot of failed relationships) and I told him I needed space. I told him to please not call me, text, or email me. I needed time to think. He was an absolute gem and gave me exactly what I asked for, he left me alone. I texted him about two - three weeks later and the communcation started back slowly. Our four year wedding anniversary is coming up on the 17th of this month. He is my best friend (and he was then too but fear got a hold of my heart) and means everything to me. I've told a number of friends that the best thing he ever did for our relationship was show me that he cared enough about me to give me the space I needed to get my thoughts together. To me, that was real love. I know it was hard for him.

That is MY story and I only share it to give you another perspective. I know it is hard to break all communication when you are used to talking to someone every day but it may be the best thing. Had my fella pestered me it would have driven me away. I have always found clingy people irritating. I really needed that time. And I discovered that he isn't at all clingy nor does he depend me to get by but he WANTS me which is entirely attractive and endearing to me.

Wishing and hoping for the best for you. Hang in there!

step back give him room to breathe already!!

in the mean time you do what you want to ....

That's tough. I'm not sure how I would respond... I would hope that I would give him his space and go have a lot of fun, post a bunch of FB pictures of me and the girls hanging out, having a great time, and occasionally send him a friend-text, asking how he's doing with a little smiley face on the end.

I'm half-joking, though. Maybe he found out a parent or relative is very ill. Maybe he's dealing with something intensely personal and doesn't feel like dragging you into it. On the other hand, maybe he's pulling away and found someone else. It's hard to know off of such little info. All you can do is have respect for yourself, honor his wishes and hope for the best. In the meantime, don't stop living.

Best of luck.

The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.

Dating as a single parent can be stressful too....to the extent that it's not even worth it sometimes.

Now this is just my own feelings, if a guy suggested I talk to my ex about taking my daughter more, I'd get annoyed. I think it's fantastic that he is with his kids that much.
When a couple isn't actually separated and have kids together, they don't get to easily ship their kids off....you have to figure out a way to make the relationship work with the kids involved and it's tricky.

Awesome response!

It's a code that says he wants to see other women.


Don't chase him!!!

Yea, because then you do become the Stage 5 Clinger and NO ONE wants THAT girl. No one.

this

That's tough. I'm not sure how I would respond... I would hope that I would give him his space and go have a lot of fun, post a bunch of FB pictures of me and the girls hanging out, having a great time, and occasionally send him a friend-text, asking how he's doing with a little smiley face on the end.

I'm half-joking, though. Maybe he found out a parent or relative is very ill. Maybe he's dealing with something intensely personal and doesn't feel like dragging you into it. On the other hand, maybe he's pulling away and found someone else. It's hard to know off of such little info. All you can do is have respect for yourself, honor his wishes and hope for the best. In the meantime, don't stop living.

Best of luck.

The basics ... he just started a new job with more hours and more demand than his last job. He has his kids 90% of the time and then the 2 days he doesn't have them or is doing stuff with them, he's trying to spend time with me. He said he has no time for himself and feels lost. I told him to talk to his ex about taking the kids some more but she won't so this is where we are.

i say again....STOP OVER THINKING.
We men, note the MEN...not the boys, are SIMPLE. We say what we mean. The dude has not time for just himself.
GIVE HIM SPACE

I agree with you. Guys tend to be straightforward and just say what they mean and we as women get all worked up deciphering and obsessing. Try to find something to occupy your team. Each day should be a little easier. Good luck!

Well I'm a guy but the last time I heard " need time " I ended up single at my parents house, without a job, and on myfitnesspal(this last one has been a good thing)... and as a person above said being there actually will push him away, I don't know him but everywhere I read the need time stories usually ends with a breakup, in my case we were engaged and 3 months before " the day ", She decided She needs time, She said won't be long just a little time, and well I gave it to her, We were still online always on Skype/Facebook chat but she even asked me to don't talk to her unless She talks to me... lol... (not so funny really...) but I did everything She asked, some days later She decided She still wants to do things by herself and She didn't want to marry me anymore, and with all this I was like in shock, because we never had a single fight, we never disrespected each other, there was always tons of love between us, She had a personal dream before we meet and She told me about it when we started hanging out as becoming friends and closer... But it all changed when we fell in love and She forgot about it, and as time passed by we got happier and happier and engaged, but in the end well, I don't know, after that She said she loves me and She wants to be friends (of course I accepted I couldn't imagine life without her) plus I was trying to get back together, but I guess that just won't work, this happened 2 months ago and since that day She started to be all busy and tired with family issues, She was living at her sister's house, and She was talking to me less and less as time goes, started to change the way she used to be/talk to me still She said she will always love me because I'm the first man she has ever loved and I will always be in a special part of her heart and that is why I'm the only ex she asked to stay friends with... I asked her like 4 times if does She really wants to be friends or should I just go away from her life and leave her in peace because I felt I was like annoying her since she was ignoring my messages, but She swore that's not what She wants, she wants to be friends forever, She just got a new Job, and told me she is very busy and doesn't really have time to talk, and asked me to give her time and She will talk to me more when she gets that settled and stuff, and yes I have been there for her whenever she contacted me, but She didn't do the same for me, last weekend we talked for like 5 mins and I asked her to be honest, and She said, she is very busy she will talk to me more when she gets settled and that She is trying to get over me that She wants space to distance herself (I still don't know what did she really mean with that) goodnight, I love you, mwa... so yes, I stopped trying to get back together like idk a month ago, I was just trying to stay in touch as friends, talk and such because I haven't only lost my fiancee but my best friend... I have thought we should just delete each other from skype but I'm not strong enough to do that... I already canceled my Facebook account... because it hurts me to see her, I did everything with her and after this I can't find myself doing anything seriously everything reminds me of her and I don't feel motivated to do things we used to do together on my own, and actually this morning before writting this I was kind of happy and motivated after these months of grieving because of what I accomplished yesterday on my first day with myfitnesspal and the awesome people I've met on here, I just sent her a little message on Skype saying this: " Good morning beautiful I just wanted to wish you a great Tuesday, I hope you are doing awesome at your new job, big kiss, I love you, mwa " and She disconnected lol... I know she is at work so maybe that's why, I don't know, I don't hate her and I could never do it, she is hurting me a lot yes, but idk if she is hurt too and actually me being there, talking to her is bad for her and I don't want to give her any kind of pain, but one sure thing, since she asked me for time, she has been trying to get over me and moving on, while I was trying to get back together and my life like stopped while she was advancing, and I know is not fair what She has been doing to me, but I think If I should have been gone from her life as soon as she broke up, she would have missed me and probably wanted to get back with me, but as I have been here, I have been actually helping her getting over me, because she is trying to do it and whenever she feels she miss me or something she just sees I'm there so she doesn't worry, I don't want to play mind tricks or anything, I still love her and I still would love to get back together, but since yesterday when I started with myfitnesspal I decided it's time for me to continue and start to move on as she has been doing, but now I just don't lost all the motivation gained from yesterday... sigh, so, what I think you should do is, as he asks you for time, you continue with your life, yes I know is hard, I've been there and I couldn't do it, or maybe I just didn't want to really try since I was trying so bad to get back together, but I'm sure if you give him his time and space, while of course you will think of him and miss him, but doing things by your own, idk go hang out with your friends, go to the movies, start a new hobby, continue with your fitnesspal do not contact him, but let him know that you are fine with him or without him indirectly, He will see how you are happy and living your life normal and he will eventually miss you and he will be wondering why aren't you contacting him, why are you living your life normal, what are you doing, etc. So he will be actually the one thinking of you, and if in the end it didn't work, I'm pretty sure you won't feel as bad as I am because you were distracted and having fun while feeling a little sad some times and maybe some tears during the night, but the half happy times doing the stuff I said or stuff you life will help you get over that grieving phase in case it doesn't go as you would love to. anyway I'm not an expert but I'm a bad example lol, sorry for making this too long, I wish you the best luck and I hope you both can get through, just try to don't think much... thinking and memories will kill you, I know.

Give him some time and space sometimes you just need that to get your mind right!!

The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.

^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.

No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.

And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.

Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.

I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.

Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.

You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.

Actually I'm not 'all bent out of shape' because of the kids, I just think that it's a sh*itty thing for him to do to his kids as well as to her.

And, no, it does not take more time than 7 months to cement a relationship with a child. 7 months is a LONG time to a kid. That's practically a school year. Their frame of reference in regards to time is different than adults.

If he's 'working up the nerve to propose' good heavens what kind of marriage will that be? Every time he 'needs space' he's going to withdraw? Eh, she can do better. Lots of other fish in the sea. I just hate to see young women allowing themselves to be trifled over, when they can take the reins of their own lives. She doesn't have to sit around waiting on him to decide what he's going to do with her life. Nope! he can certainly decide for his life, and she can do the same for hers.