A man says "need time" ... question for the men
Replies
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Sorry, but I've used this one myself in the past.... Its a test to see if I can live without the other person. Do I really love them or have we just become codependent and are going through the motions? Its hard to be the one who realizes it and has to break someone's heart who hasn't done anything "wrong". I hate breakups and would stay in a relationship longer than intended just to avoid the inevitable hurt or hope it got better. I used my "time" to get in my own head without worrying about my SO's feelings. Selfish I admit, but sometimes with a little space comes clarity. Being too clingy always tipped the scales in favor of a break up, so give him his time.0
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Go out to the bar with some girlfriends this weekend. Get hammered and send him a drunk group picture. Preferably with girl kissing.
Follow up almost immediately with a text that says, "Sorry that was for someone else."
You will have him lapping at your heels within a week,
GENIUS0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
Actually I'm not 'all bent out of shape' because of the kids, I just think that it's a sh*itty thing for him to do to his kids as well as to her.
And, no, it does not take more time than 7 months to cement a relationship with a child. 7 months is a LONG time to a kid. That's practically a school year. Their frame of reference in regards to time is different than adults.
If he's 'working up the nerve to propose' good heavens what kind of marriage will that be? Every time he 'needs space' he's going to withdraw? Eh, she can do better. Lots of other fish in the sea. I just hate to see young women allowing themselves to be trifled over, when they can take the reins of their own lives. She doesn't have to sit around waiting on him to decide what he's going to do with her life. Nope! he can certainly decide for his life, and she can do the same for hers.
Yeah, well everyone is different. If I dated a guy for 7 months and broke up with him, my kids wouldn't bat an eye. You are so extreme... so she shouldn't wait at all?... because I never told her to wait forever. I told her that she would be better off respecting his wishes.
You're just assuming that she's never going to hear from this guy again. If she's going to make that an assumption, then it might as well be over.0 -
I want to point out something here. I know in my OWN experiences, and with helping other friends/married friends/etc in the past, this guy is doing it CORRECTLY.
When fights happen etcetc a lot of the time I will hear from everyone else, and myself too, and the issue does revolve around the man needing some space, we are always told, "If you just would have said you needed time and space..." well this fine gentlemen is doing just that.
I'll be VERY frank. You do NOT need to know why, if it involves you, if it is personal, family, any of it. What you need to do is give him space. You make the call when it goes over too long by calling him stating that it has been too much time, and work it out, NOTHING is set in stone, and never should be. This guy has done it all correctly, and you should be proud of his admittance of needed time/space and his openness and communication. It is now your turn to be adult and respect that. He even let you know that he loves you still etcetc.0 -
The thing is relationships can be a lot of work - be available, talk, share, do things. Sometimes, it just becomes a chore. Sexual attraction may be there but all the work that goes into it may start feeling like a job. So you step away.
This is why I respect those who make a relationship work over any extended period of time without the bindings of children and marriage, or inspite of it.0 -
i know you asked guys for advice, but , truth is , he is telling you what he needs, he needs space, like supple mama said (GREAT ADVICE btw)
decide how much space and time you are willing to give him,.
but generally in my past experience, i need space was kind of a polite, bye have a nice life..0 -
Time to dump this guy. No one likes to hear that, but the only reason a guy does this "need space" crap is because he's weighing his options. Stop being an option.0
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Go out with you girls and smash a bottle of red wine in your face....:bigsmile:
Delete his number from your phone prior to doing this...No-one likes hearing a crying drunk girl at 4 o'clock in the morning....0 -
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
People need their space from time to time. It could be about you, it may not be.
He's not "abandoning" you. He told you he needs his space. Quit being so needy...
Give it to him, it's not that hard...
He should be aware that when or if he decides to resume your relationship you may have moved on. Please do not be doormatty on this.0 -
My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
People need their space from time to time. It could be about you, it may not be.
He's not "abandoning" you. He told you he needs his space. Quit being so needy...
Give it to him, it's not that hard...
He should be aware that when or if he decides to resume your relationship you may have moved on. Please do not be doormatty on this.
Only she can decide for herself how long to wait for him. Being willing to respect the other's wishes is not being "doormatty". It's being responsible in a mature, adult relationship.0 -
On reflection he is probably either breaking up with you or has realised he is actually gay, which would have the same effect. I have never had a relationship that went down this route recover, but then I never stuck around.0
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If he already needs "time" after only 7 months, I don't see things working out in the long run. It's not like his life is going to become any less busy, so if you are not enough of a priority for him to be able to fit you in, forget it. Be in a relationship where you are a high priority, not something low on his to-do list (if he even bothers to put you on the list at all).0
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I will say this OP, if you can't handle spending a little time apart, then you might need to spend some time on your own and learn how to make yourself happy and stop relying on a relationship to do that for you.0
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My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
People need their space from time to time. It could be about you, it may not be.
He's not "abandoning" you. He told you he needs his space. Quit being so needy...
Give it to him, it's not that hard...
He should be aware that when or if he decides to resume your relationship you may have moved on. Please do not be doormatty on this.
Only she can decide for herself how long to wait for him. Being willing to respect the other's wishes is not being "doormatty". It's being responsible in a mature, adult relationship.
He's not respecting her wishes though is he? I stand by the doormatty thing. And I have a responsible, mature, adult relationship with my husband of nearly 25 years. Who I would give space to if he wanted it, but a 7 month relationship?? No way, I would move on.0 -
Happened to me. Not all men are the same, but for some reasons give him the space. If he comes back, he's yours.
or it's just a nice of way shutting you off to see someone else cause he doesn't have the guts to tell you that he wants to break up with you. I'm sorry, it may be too harsh to say, but that's a possibility. So move on and be happy.0 -
I promise you that if you try the tough love approach or play games, it will end in disaster for both of you. If you're best friends and you want to keep it that way, regardless of the outcome of this situation - you should give him what he's asking for.
We're all human and we all go through times of uncertainty. Don't listen to the posts who say dump him or create jealousy by going out and partying - that's not love and you wouldn't want him doing that to you if the tables were turned.
Show understanding, show support and treat him how you would like to be treated. And if it doesn't work out at least your conscious will be clean and you can say you gave it your best effort.0 -
I promise you that if you try the tough love approach or play games, it will end in disaster for both of you. If you're best friends and you want to keep it that way, regardless of the outcome of this situation - you should give him what he's asking for.
We're all human and we all go through times of uncertainty. Don't listen to the posts who say dump him or create jealousy by going out and partying - that's not love and you wouldn't want him doing that to you if the tables were turned.
Show understanding, show support and treat him how you would like to be treated. And if it doesn't work out at least your conscious will be clean and you can say you gave it your best effort.
This guy is spot on!0 -
“abandon your girlfriend”
Overreacting a bit? He just said he wanted time. Plus, you’ve only been dating for 7 months, relax a little. Time apart is good.
You're not leaving me are you???!?!?!?!?
I would never do that!
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I've done this to the man I was with before.
He freaked out, I thought unnecessarily, because I mean, I just told him I didn't want to break up. But the way he responded ended up causing a break up anyway, even though I never intended that to be the case.
Just take it in stride and try to relax. You can't control the outcome of his emotions either way, but you can help him have more confidence in you by staying calm and handling it well.0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
I'm involved with his kids and he is involved with my son. There are 3 little people attached to this situation. We did things as a family. A month ago he said he wanted to marry me in the future and now this. I am attached to his kids. I love them like they are mine. THIS make this even harder.0 -
and whatever you do, do NOT become all "emo" and post your butt hurt feelers all over Facebook.0
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I promise you that if you try the tough love approach or play games, it will end in disaster for both of you. If you're best friends and you want to keep it that way, regardless of the outcome of this situation - you should give him what he's asking for.
We're all human and we all go through times of uncertainty. Don't listen to the posts who say dump him or create jealousy by going out and partying - that's not love and you wouldn't want him doing that to you if the tables were turned.
Show understanding, show support and treat him how you would like to be treated. And if it doesn't work out at least your conscious will be clean and you can say you gave it your best effort.
I support this one here, sista.0 -
and whatever you do, do NOT become all "emo" and post your butt hurt feelers all over Facebook.
And this! For the love of gravy, PLEASE spare everyone your rainbow pictures with false quotes about "If it is meant to be..."
Please *LOL*0 -
and whatever you do, do NOT become all "emo" and post your butt hurt feelers all over Facebook.
And this! For the love of gravy, PLEASE spare everyone your rainbow pictures with false quotes about "If it is meant to be..."
Please *LOL*
runs to Facebook to see if I've done that....... lmao0 -
and whatever you do, do NOT become all "emo" and post your butt hurt feelers all over Facebook.
And this! For the love of gravy, PLEASE spare everyone your rainbow pictures with false quotes about "If it is meant to be..."
Please *LOL*
runs to Facebook to see if I've done that....... lmao
LOL Not that I've noticed, you're safe. But then there's Donna... I need to have a long talk with Donna :grumble:0 -
Well he is just a boyfriend, he's not your husband so...give him a little time, sure. But he doesn't get to decide YOUR life, you do! You decide how much time you want to give him and stick to it. 2 weeks? a month? 3? It's up to you! Me personally I would say Ok, you don't want to break up, well I do because in a relationship we work through things together! I will give you all the space you need, see ya later! But that's just me. As a young woman I wasted time allowing others to trifle with me and affect my life plans; waiting on them to decide what they wanted to do. Luckily I got my head on straight while I was still young so didn't waste too much time.
After you decide how much time you're willing to give him, tell him and stick to it. You have the right not to have your love life put on hold.
Awesome advice!!!0 -
The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
I'm involved with his kids and he is involved with my son. There are 3 little people attached to this situation. We did things as a family. A month ago he said he wanted to marry me in the future and now this. I am attached to his kids. I love them like they are mine. THIS make this even harder.
Stop thinking that this is over!!!! You guys may have just been moving too fast. Seven months is not really all that long, especially if you are already talking about marriage. Relax and give the guy a chance to figure some stuff out. He may be mulling over some doubts, he could just be too distracted with you that he can't focus on some other important things, or he could just need to know that you will survive without him. Just focus on some "you" projects for a little while.0 -
he wants out of the relationship but is uncomfortable about pulling the trigger/upsetting you. he is hoping it will be a gradual let down for you or he may get lucky and you will be the one that ends it.0
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The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.
No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.
And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.
Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.
I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.
Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.
You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.
I'm involved with his kids and he is involved with my son. There are 3 little people attached to this situation. We did things as a family. A month ago he said he wanted to marry me in the future and now this. I am attached to his kids. I love them like they are mine. THIS make this even harder.
You're too needy but yet you're giving up on him already.
Have you EVER in your life needed space?0 -
kiss him good bye.My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.
It means he is not ready to dump you until he has had the opportunity to see if he can do better. If he can't do any better, then he needs something to fall back on, and since you'll put up with *kitten* like that...you're elected.0
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