A man says "need time" ... question for the men

raige123 · May 2013

The worst thing you can do now is to try and have more contact than he wants. That would push him away. So your best chance is to appear (and I say appear because underneath you may be having emotional turmoil) to be supportive and understanding and let him know that you are there if he needs you.

^^ This. Just leave him alone until he comes to you. It's all you can do.

No, it's not. She can set a limit on how long she is willing to wait and once that time is up and he's still all 'I need time' she can say 'Peace out, I'm gone' and leave.

And it's not just her, it's not just him, there are kids involved. Which makes it even stranger. What is he planning to tell his children?? When they ask, where she is at and what's going on? Oh, I know you all love raige123 and have bonded with her, but I need my space and some time to think about some things, so I guess you'll see her some time in the future. I haven't decided when though. She and I haven't broken up but you can't see her or talk to her until I figure things out. No, I don't know when that will be.

Who does that to children?? It takes a lot for the children of single parents to bond with new people so this is likely to hit them hard and confuse them. It's best to do a clean break if that is his intention. If a break is not his intention then he needs to give a time frame.

I'm sorry... I didn't read anywhere that kids were involved. But they have only been dating 7 months, it takes a little more time than that to cement a bond with a child.

Also, like I previously said in another post, he probably just realized how serious things were getting and freaked out a little. Sure, she shouldn't wait for him forever, but I don't see anything wrong with letting him figure **** out. He could be getting up the nerve to propose.

You are all bent out of shape because of how it will affect the kids if he stops seeing her for a little while, but what if he breaks up with her entirely, which is what will happen if she can't respect his wishes.

I'm involved with his kids and he is involved with my son. There are 3 little people attached to this situation. We did things as a family. A month ago he said he wanted to marry me in the future and now this. I am attached to his kids. I love them like they are mine. THIS make this even harder.

Stop thinking that this is over!!!! You guys may have just been moving too fast. Seven months is not really all that long, especially if you are already talking about marriage. Relax and give the guy a chance to figure some stuff out. He may be mulling over some doubts, he could just be too distracted with you that he can't focus on some other important things, or he could just need to know that you will survive without him. Just focus on some "you" projects for a little while.

Thank you! Thank you for all of your responses.

BobOki · May 2013

Well he is just a boyfriend, he's not your husband so...give him a little time, sure. But he doesn't get to decide YOUR life, you do! You decide how much time you want to give him and stick to it. 2 weeks? a month? 3? It's up to you! Me personally I would say Ok, you don't want to break up, well I do because in a relationship we work through things together! I will give you all the space you need, see ya later! But that's just me. As a young woman I wasted time allowing others to trifle with me and affect my life plans; waiting on them to decide what they wanted to do. Luckily I got my head on straight while I was still young so didn't waste too much time.

After you decide how much time you're willing to give him, tell him and stick to it. You have the right not to have your love life put on hold.

I love how some people just cannot stand to have a situation not be all about them. Sometimes, ladies, it is about the OTHER person in the relationship, and the relationship does NOT just exist to make sure YOU are happy. If you are too stuck up your own ego to not understand every successful relationship is give and take, you meet in the middle on things, and not just "what do I get out of this". That is the exact mentality that perpetrated the "princess" or "gold digger" stereotypes that the female persuasion rail against, and girls like this, the memememememe girls, are the reason it continues.

I give credit to anyone coming here to better themselves, looks better, get healthier, but if you do it just to maintain your high maintenance life style, please don't go spreading your brain filth to others. The poor saps that have to put up with your hard to handle and reason with selfs would be VERY thankful. See some of us believe in relationships for love, not money/self.

tinak33 · May 2013

True story -

My boyfriend and I had been dating for several months, things were real good, we were talking marriage. Then, out of the blue, he wouldn't return my calls. I finally tracked him down at his friends house, asked him what was going on and he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore. I was shocked & devastated.

He wanted to be left alone, so I left him alone. I figured if he wanted to get back with me, I would be the first person to know. We ran into each other about a week later, purely coincidental, talked about things, made up and got married 3 months later. That was 11 years ago tomorrow.

Moral of the story - give him his space and time. If he realizes he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If he doesn't, nagging and clinging won't get him to change his mind.

This is kind of what I was thinking. Maybe he realized that things are getting kind of serious between the two of you, and he got scared and just needs some time to sort through his feelings. It happens... trust me.

Ha that's kinda what happened to me too.

My bf was moving to Hawaii (military) and wasn't sure he wanted to still be together.
I had been planning on moving there because I wanted to be with him, but it was going to take a few months for me to save up enough $$... He was against doing long distance relationships but wasn't sure he really wanted to end things... So he left and we left things open, maybe we will stay together maybe not.
2 weeks later, he calls and asks how soon I can move to Hawaii. haha
We got married 2 weeks ago and I am hoping to move to Hawaii in 3 months. :bigsmile:

Sometimes you just need space to sort things out in your head. And having someone you care about around all the time makes it harder when that person is a part of what you need to sort out.
Sometimes getting some distance helps you see things better.

bnbestme · May 2013

Really? You guys have been going together for months while things are good; and he springs some off the wall junk like that out of the blue. He is hiding something or he has some serious, serious problems or maybe you assumed he was more into the relationship. Men usually pull that stunt when they are trying to break off the relationship. I know that it is painful; and this will take time to get over. No one deserves to be treated that way, because how do you just shut your feelings off like that. But find the inner strength and say fine; and move on.

richardheath · May 2013

I'm a divorced guy. I co-parent 3 kids with my ex (50/50 custody). The kids "birdsnest", which means they stay at one house, and my ex and I move in and out. I have been dating a lady for about 8 months and we are currently looking for an apartment together. She has met my kids a few times, but doesn't stay overnight, or even come by every weekend I have them.

I often feel I have 2 lives. One with my kids, and one with my girlfriend. Because I only see the gf half the time, I feel like I need to be "there" for her then; and likewise with my kids. As such, I can empathize with your bf. It is tough and it is a juggling act. But, until I can convince my ex to sell the house, it is what I have to do. Luckily, I have a great gf who puts up with it.

But - and this is what I read into this, based solely on what you have posted - his asking for space means he is thinking about you, and whether he wants his life to be with or without you. You say you are best friends, so presumably you talk about other stuff together (or did, before this). He can't talk to you about this because it is all about you. It doesn't necessarily mean he has another woman - just can he carry on like this? Is he being fair to you? To his kids? To himself? And, possibly, does he really love you?

Personally - it sounds like a bit of a red flag to me. The only time I have said anything like that, it was because I wasn't happy in the relationship, but did truly need time to figure out what it was. I ended up ending that relationship after a week "away". That's not to say he will come to that conclusion, but I think it is one you are going to have to prepare yourself to hear.

In the meantime, be strong for yourself. Don't let the other person set the entire agenda (which is something I often have to tell myself, dealing with my ex). Be patient while you can, but think about yourself too. How much time are you willing to give him? The longer he is away, the harder it will be to come back for both of you. He may come to his senses in a few days, and come back with his tail between his legs. But is he really worth waiting weeks or months for? That's a question only you can answer.

ldrosophila · May 2013

it's not going to be easy but you need to "give him his time." Of course he and you have to understand that means no communication and you get to continue living your life. Go out with friends, and I think some harmless dates are fine. He can't expect you to put your life on hold. I bet he wouldn't put his life on hold if the tables were reversed. You are still vital and you arent the one trying to get their head screwed on straight. If it's meant to be he'll come around if not you might have moved onto bigger and better things by then.

ldrosophila · May 2013

My boyfriend blindsided me on Sunday and told me he needed some time to figure his life out. He doesn't want to talk to anybody ... myself included until he gets things straight in his head. He says he doesn't want to break up and he doesn't see it going that way and he still loves me. We've been together 7 months and he just started a new job a couple months ago, plus has his kids most of the time. We don't fight ... this literally came out of nowhere. We're best friends. How do I take this? Could this be he just needs time or is this something men say as a lead up to goodbye? I know nobody is him and can tell me whats in his head ... just trying to make some sense to this. Why would you want to abandon your girlfriend. It's not fair.

It means he is not ready to dump you until he has had the opportunity to see if he can do better. If he can't do any better, then he needs something to fall back on, and since you'll put up with *kitten* like that...you're elected.

kiss him good bye.

Amen unless you enjoy being the fall back live your life!

ldrosophila · May 2013

True story -

My boyfriend and I had been dating for several months, things were real good, we were talking marriage. Then, out of the blue, he wouldn't return my calls. I finally tracked him down at his friends house, asked him what was going on and he told me he didn't want to be with my anymore. I was shocked & devastated.

He wanted to be left alone, so I left him alone. I figured if he wanted to get back with me, I would be the first person to know. We ran into each other about a week later, purely coincidental, talked about things, made up and got married 3 months later. That was 11 years ago tomorrow.

Moral of the story - give him his space and time. If he realizes he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If he doesn't, nagging and clinging won't get him to change his mind.

This is kind of what I was thinking. Maybe he realized that things are getting kind of serious between the two of you, and he got scared and just needs some time to sort through his feelings. It happens... trust me.

Ha that's kinda what happened to me too.

My bf was moving to Hawaii (military) and wasn't sure he wanted to still be together.
I had been planning on moving there because I wanted to be with him, but it was going to take a few months for me to save up enough $$... He was against doing long distance relationships but wasn't sure he really wanted to end things... So he left and we left things open, maybe we will stay together maybe not.
2 weeks later, he calls and asks how soon I can move to Hawaii. haha
We got married 2 weeks ago and I am hoping to move to Hawaii in 3 months. :bigsmile:

Sometimes you just need space to sort things out in your head. And having someone you care about around all the time makes it harder when that person is a part of what you need to sort out.
Sometimes getting some distance helps you see things better.

This has happened to me we were apart a year I gave him his f'en space moved on with my life. If it's meant to be they come back. I find not talking to them at all is the best because then they realize "hey, she's not thinking about me, she has a life." It's an eye opener for them when they realize there's a female out there that can live without them just fine.

_SusieQ_ · May 2013

ldrosophila · May 2013

He has told you what he wants, why are you trying to fix it? I hope at that time you told him that you care about him but would only wait so long. We teach people how to treat us. The last thing you want him to learn is that you will accept this behavior on a regular basis, and sit at home in a depressed state waiting for him to get his act together. Go out, have fun, learn something new, make it a point to say "Hi" to 7 new people a day, expand your friend base, do something you've wanted to do for a long time (Vacation to some exotic place with a girl friend, even if it is only a weekend. Do not send him a text from this, you have mutual friends it will get back to him. IF it bothers him he will get back to you. .) This is a situation where you need to take time for yourself too. Improve yourself, work on your own happiness, so that if you get back together you return to him a happier better you. If you don't get back together you will still be a better you without months of regret for sitting around waiting for him to get his act together and then being dumped. Be proactive not reactive. I say do not contact him unless you did not tell him how long you would wait. If you did not I would send 1 text that said something like this " I have had time to think about your request for a time out in our relationship, I can see where you might need it and am willing to give it to you, but I can not put my life on hold forever. I have decided that I will wait xx amount of time and if you need more time than that I hope that sometime in the future that we can find our way back together, but if not maybe it was not meant to be. It will be your move to contact me next when you decide where you want our relationship to be as I will try very hard not to contact you again." Keep your life moving forward, look for the happiness in it, and be open to new opportunities.

Wow smartest advice...OP right here this is smart woman who is giving out woman who loves herself and her children and doesnt let people take advantage advice. Take this advice. RIGHT HERE!

NGFive · May 2013

I used this excuse before. he doesn't have the courage to come out and say the words but it is over...sorry

ladyrider55 · May 2013

i totally agree people need time to themselves but to just shut you out like that isn't right. i wouldn't just sit there waiting for him to come around.

@JT219, I totally agree! Why should you sit around and wait for him to make up his mind what he wants to do with his life. Take control of your own life and do the things you love, go out with friends (female & male), enjoy yourself and have fun. The worst thing you can do is sit at home waiting, wishing, praying he'll call you soon. Don't do it! You'll regret the time wasted waiting on him. Obviously, he's spazzing out (this is getting serious now) after 7 months into a relationship...Everyone has a different opinion / outlook on your thread on what you should or shouldn't do. Only you can decide what you should or shouldn't do. Good Luck.

A man says "need time" ... question for the men

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