How do i stop being nice?

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  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Do you have a good friend who is a woman who can give you an honest assessment of you and your approach?

    It may be something simple like: You mumble. Your personal hygiene isn't what it should be. You dress in out of date clothing.

    A lot of "attraction" for good or ill is based upon appearances. And, if your appearance says "I don't care about myself"...then that will be a turn-off.

    Also, I can't recommend highly enough: The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy. It changed my relationships in an incredibly positive way.

    Actually the dressing part was true. I just had one of my friends, who is a girl, help me get better cloths and I have thrown out all old cloths. I have been working on that for awhile, but used to be a downfall of mine. because I am tall, I sometimes feel like i have to lower myself to be with my friends, which has caused me to not stand up straight all the time. so I have started standing straight the past few months, which I think has helped too.

    I'll take a look into this book.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
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    I am not gonna read all the responses, but I will say same crap happened to me. For about four years I was all like "I'm so LONELY. Why isn't anyone into me? Why aren't I into anyone?" Sometimes I would get these looks from dudes that made me think "oh! He's gonna hit on me!" then he'd come over and ask if my friend was single.

    CRUSHED!

    Then I decided "**** IT" and realized that my happiness isn't from lovers or boyfriends, it's from how I spend my life. So I decided to make myself happy every single day doing something I love and to give up on romance. Then they came flocking to me.... within 6 months of making that decision, I had fallen in love and we spent every day together for the next two years.

    people love people who love life.
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
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    Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.

    You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.


    Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.

    Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.

    I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.

    I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.

    Depression isn't like a cat that you can give to the pound. It stays with you.

    I would date someone with depression as long as he was self-aware about it and trying to manage it.

    Just sayin'.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    Alright dude.
    Here is my advise:
    STOP DATING!!!

    True story, I didn't go out on a "date" with my wife until we had already been married for a few months.
    We would grab a bite to eat or we would catch a movie. We might even hang out together but, a "date" is just so darn formal.
    Instead of asking a girl out (set time, place, ect), simply mention that you are grabbing a bite for lunch and would she like to come with.
    See, it is super casual, no pressure and, if nothing happens, no big deal.
    Talking about the weekend? Well, I have no doubt you are going to see the new (insert movie).
    Hey, wanna come along?
    Cool. I was gonna grab a burger or something first. Wanna meet up for some food first? Cool.

    Just like that.
    Take the "date" out of it. It means commitment and nobody wants that right out of the gate.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Brutal honesty follows:

    This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.

    You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.

    Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.

    Let the flaming begin....

    Haha, that is a great post :)

    But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post. :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.

    You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.


    Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.

    Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.

    I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.

    I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.

    Depression isn't like a cat that you can give to the pound. It stays with you.

    I would date someone with depression as long as he was self-aware about it and trying to manage it.

    Just sayin'.

    I'm sorry. I stand by my advice. I know lots of people married to depressed individuals that find themselves in difficult situations that test the boundaries of the marriage. Certainly, it creates a burden for the other person, and if they are strong enough, the marriage might survive, but given the divorce rate in our society, I think more often than not, those marriages don't survive.

    I suppose, if the individual is doing all that they can to get treatment, then, it could work out. And I sure hope the best for the OP, but based on the fact that he has let a few random forum threads drag him down today, I don't think he is in a good place at the moment.
  • Samenamenewlook
    Samenamenewlook Posts: 296 Member
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    Stop asking and start telling them what they're going to do.

    ^^LOL ... some of us definitely like someone who takes charge!
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.

    Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.

    As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.

    IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.

    I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.

    pay attention to her, as a person, as a human being, to the words that she's saying, to what she's interested in. You would know if you were having a conversation with a man, whether or not you click and get on really well right from the start, or if you don't get along so well so just remain as acquaintances.... it's no different with women

    if you're good at making friends with women, as in the kinds of friends who could stay up all night chatting... then make a move, ask her out on a date. "friendzoned" generally happens when men think that if they become friends with a woman she'll throw herself at him.... and so he never makes a move never shows he's interested.

    Well, currently, all my friends who are girls are married, so I wouldn't want to do that, but I see what you are saying. good advice
  • cosmic8o8
    cosmic8o8 Posts: 131 Member
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    Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.

    Ummm...being oneself and improving oneself don't exactly go hand in hand. Being me is funny, kicked backed, easy going, passionate about certain things, funny, daring, and completely and totally awesome. However, improving my general weight and health have nothing to do with that. I was awesome when I was fatter and I'll be awesome when I'm more fit.

    So, to say, "be yourself" is not worthless advice.

    If just being yourself was working for this guy, then he wouldn't be on here asking for help. Telling someone to "be yourself" is pretty damn worthless in situations like these.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    i can't pretend to know the answer, but i do know the answer is not changing who you are to make it happen.

    I agree with this. Don't go looking for love. Let love find you. I know it sounds cliche but that's what I did. When I was younger I was constantly dating jerk after jerk. Finally I just said..forget it. And then one day, while in a really bad mood, my now hubby walked past me and smiled...he found me.

    Aww that is great! I know people tell me that all the time, and I tried that for a couple years, but because I wasn't doing anything to meet new women, I never meet anyone.... haha
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Can I just add one more thing, OP?

    Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!

    i agree with this

    you need to go out and do things that interest you - museums, art show, concerts, sporting events, etc - then you'll meet people with the same interested as you.

    i met my husband at a concert at Lincoln Center - I wasn't going to go because my friend canceled out - I decided to go alone and it was the best thing i ever did.

    my husband was there with his best friend - they noticed i was all alone at intermission and can by to talk to me.

    at the end of the concert they waited for me and asked if i'd like to grab a bite and a drink.

    we've been together for 22 years.


    and whatever you decide to do please don't stop being a nice guy - nice guys are truly sexy and loving.

    Aww thank you! You are so sweet. I think you are right. I do need to. But the problem is, I am a programmer and that is what I love doing. Programming. I don't play video games, I build programs for other people to enjoy. So it can be hard to find people with similar interests. I may need to get another hobby......
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Hang in there :)

    I don't know what you said before, but thanks :)
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Well it's not your looks, you're a handsome man. I don't know you, so I can't speculate about your personality.

    Thank you! I used to feel ugly, and only recently have I felt good looking, and now I want to be fit to grow that confidence in myself.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Also, props to you for actually reading and responding to everyone's comments. Best of luck!

    Haha, thanks. I really appreciate the amount of support this forum has given. to tell you the truth i was little afraid because of ready other peoples posts, it look like a lot of trolls and mean people.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    I am not gonna read all the responses, but I will say same crap happened to me. For about four years I was all like "I'm so LONELY. Why isn't anyone into me? Why aren't I into anyone?" Sometimes I would get these looks from dudes that made me think "oh! He's gonna hit on me!" then he'd come over and ask if my friend was single.

    CRUSHED!

    Then I decided "**** IT" and realized that my happiness isn't from lovers or boyfriends, it's from how I spend my life. So I decided to make myself happy every single day doing something I love and to give up on romance. Then they came flocking to me.... within 6 months of making that decision, I had fallen in love and we spent every day together for the next two years.

    people love people who love life.

    I think just seeing all my friends being happy is what gets to me. Also, watching stupid movies, and feeling that I never have experienced that. But that is part of my problem too, I shouldn't be worrying about other people or what the media portrays, it's just hard not to sometimes, you know?
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    Can I just add one more thing, OP?

    Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.

    Haha, thanks. I know you think people with depression will not make it in a marriage, which I sure hope that isn't true.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    I am not gonna read all the responses, but I will say same crap happened to me. For about four years I was all like "I'm so LONELY. Why isn't anyone into me? Why aren't I into anyone?" Sometimes I would get these looks from dudes that made me think "oh! He's gonna hit on me!" then he'd come over and ask if my friend was single.

    CRUSHED!

    Then I decided "**** IT" and realized that my happiness isn't from lovers or boyfriends, it's from how I spend my life. So I decided to make myself happy every single day doing something I love and to give up on romance. Then they came flocking to me.... within 6 months of making that decision, I had fallen in love and we spent every day together for the next two years.

    people love people who love life.

    I think just seeing all my friends being happy is what gets to me. Also, watching stupid movies, and feeling that I never have experienced that. But that is part of my problem too, I shouldn't be worrying about other people or what the media portrays, it's just hard not to sometimes, you know?

    I do understand. But you just can't hold on to those feelings. Shake them off and know that happiness doesn't come from the people around you. It comes from within.
  • joshuapack
    joshuapack Posts: 55
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    I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing
    I'm sorry. I do not have any advice on being a woman. I thought you wanted to get laid.

    The whole "only want a relationship" could definitely stand in the way of your making progress. Maybe try church...or the library...maybe flirt with the girls in your therapists waiting room...

    Haha, no problem :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Can I just add one more thing, OP?

    Don't worry about "being nice". If a woman can't appreciate you for that, then she is the wrong woman anyway.

    Haha, thanks. I know you think people with depression will not make it in a marriage, which I sure hope that isn't true.

    I don't think that you won't make it in a marriage. You just need to be sure that you are ready for it, hon. That's all I'm saying. All my best. Don't know if you are a spiritual person, but I will be sending prayers up for you. :flowerforyou:

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