Critical Husband

I feel your pain...I was in a verbally abusive marriage once, and walked away before my confidence was totally destroyed. You are doing this for yourself..no?

sorry but he doesn't sound like a very supportive or loving husband... kick his *kitten* to the curb!!

Verbal abuse sucks.... Get away while you still have a shred of self esteem left.

have to agree...sorry...

p.s., If my husband ( who is a supportive and loving guy) was the sort to try this crap with me, he would humbly back down and apologize, once he got out of intensive care.

Hi.

I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.

The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?

This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

Thanks for listening.

sweety he's ABUSING you. Its called verbal abuse. Is he aware that he's doing it? Some people honestly dont know they are abusive, they are just doing what they were taught growing up. He neds help. The problem isnt you, there should be NO prssure on you as you take this journey towards health. For gods sake you just had surgery and you've lost HOW MUCH alrady??@!!! WOW, you should be proud of yourself!!!! and he should too. I think its great that he want you to b healthy, but his way of showing it is downright abusive. Im hurt for you. you deserve kindness. all people do. *HUGS* and prayers too xo

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I agree with the others, no one should have to deal with any kind of abuse. If he can't love you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve you.
I hope things get better for you.

If he's being nasty to you behind closed doors and tells you you're not allowed to talk about how he nags you and tears you down... Well, he's an *kitten*. It sounds like he's been an *kitten* for a long time. You can try counseling, but he seems like a verbal abuser and will likely never change. Would you be willing to leave him?

To kalika47

I totally get that. If it is abuse the only thing to do is walk away.

But I had trouble with my mother for years. A lot of criticism, trying to keep what went on between us private. Very, very harsh, no filter or tact. But then when I was a little older I saw the dynamic in the wider family. So I spoke to her about that, because she was really suffering too as she was so very harsh with herself. And the way her mother and her sister were with her, was pretty rough and as pretty much in the abuse "category". My aunt was the favourite child and they both ganged up on my mother pretty badly. That's why she wanted what was between us to be between us- she was so verbally battered and betrayed by them she was in a funny way trying to protect me (she didn't want me being close to them as they had been that way with her)- she just picked the wrong strategy.

And it got better. A lot better. Never perfect but then what is. She passed away a few years ago and I am glad we had those years where we could be more gentle with one another before she did. I would say, she did have an inkling of this herself, and she did try at times to be different of her own volition, before I ever raised it. So I saw that there was a ray of light there.

She had this friend she made in her early 20s who was always very nice to her, and I think that person gave her an insight into the fact that things could be different. And she was right about my aunt and grandmother- after she died it was all nice and smiles for a while and then when they realised they didn't have my mother as a verbal punchbag anymore they turned on me and tried to put me in her place. But I told them I wasn't my mother and walked away. And I am glad I did.

So I'm glad I worked on it with my mother and I am glad I got out with my aunt and grandma. I think the insight into it is the key thing- my mother was stuck in bad habits, but knew it wasn't right on some level and wanted to change. She just didn't know how until she had some company.

I have not read all the responses. But I have to say....if that was me. He would be looking for a new wife. I have dealt with enough emotional abuse that it is no longer and option in my life.

Critical people think they are helping but they are hurting you more. And you let them hurt you by listening to the BS.

Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.

If he truley thinks he is helping you and is not just an *kitten*, then you need to sit him down and tell him that HE is hindering your progress by making you feel bad about yourself. Losing weight is hard enough without that kind of baggage. Using "I" sentences works better then "You" sentences.

You know, I feel this way when you make these kind of statements. And if you truely want to help me then you would not be giving me "negative feedback" to all my hard work. Making me feel good about what I have accomplished so far will help me to continue to lose instead of binge eat because your comments make me feel like I can't accomplish anything.

Guys sometimes really don't realize how negative reinforcment does not work for most women. And also that backhanded compliments are not compliments. Oops, rambling on now.

Good luck getting him to realize what he is doing to you.

Kick him to the curb, seriously. Not therapy or anything, CURB. He verbally abused you BEFORE you went into surgery, that was your first clue to get rid of him. Now that you went through that precedure he still cannot support you? Worthless, really.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms how he is making you feel with his comments, and that negativity will probably push you into emotional eating. If telling him that what he is doing upsets you doesn't make a lightbulb come on and he continues to do it, then he is consciously making the choice to tear you down. I was with my ex-husband for 18 years before I left, because I felt guilty about leaving, felt guilty about my kids not living with their dad, felt worthless for not having a job that could support me and the kids, felt self conscious about being over 200 lbs (which I now know was from a combination of years of stress eating for comfort and antidepressants to deal with my anxiety over his crazy *kitten*). If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and do you have kids? Because let me tell you, if I knew at 20 what I know NOW at 43, I wouldn't be on this website trying to lose all this weight. I would have left a LONG time ago. I've been gone for 5 years now and can honestly tell you that I've never been happier in my life. He was critical of who I talked to, what I wore, what I said to people, where I went, you name it. I couldn't clean the house well enough, my cooking wasn't like his mother's ......on and on for YEARS. It was a lot of wasted time, but I honestly can appreciate myself now because I know I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. I'm in a relationship now and he is SO supportive and caring, and loves me for me....even at 200 lbs when I don't like the way I look. I'm not saying you SHOULD leave bc I don't know you or your complete situation, but it sounds very similar to what I dealt with and it doesn't get any better the longer you stay. A zebra doesn't change its stripes. Only you can decide if it's worth staying. It's your choice to do what you need to do and don't let anyone tell you how you should do it....especially him. Congratulations on your weight loss. Next time he comments, tell him you can lose 200 lbs (or however much he weighs) in 24 hours if he keeps it up. Stand up for yourself and live your life, with or without him. Good luck!! Message me in private anytime if you like.

If there was ever a thread for "Just Break Up," THIS is it.


Get into counseling for yourself right away. This guy is trouble. He is slowly chipping away at your connection to yourself. You need to get out ASAP, and find someone who is nice to you.