Critical Husband
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Are kids involved? If so, they are in a front row seat learning how they think they should treat their future mates. No bueno.
If not, pack up and leave. Life's too short to live with an a-hole. I know; I did it. Packed up my (then)1 year old, the clothes on our backs, and got the hell outta dodge.0 -
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s easy for us all to tell you to leave him but doing so I’m sure is not that easy.
If you love him and want your marriage to work out, then you need to go to counselling. I would have him read this entire thread, tell him you want to go for marriage counselling and go from there. If he refuses, then he doesn’t feel the same way. You will probably be so much happier without him.0 -
Your husband sounds like a Class A *kitten*. I would have left him 5.9 years ago.0
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First of all, I agree that someone who is that judgmental will NEVER be satisfied with how you look. He will ALWAYS find fault because he's a douche. It's not really you he's unhappy with, it is himself. That's a personal issue for him to work out.
You have to find comfort in yourself. You should never change something about yourself, for someone else. No matter how much you love them. It has to be for you. Do YOU feel like you are making the right amount of progress? Do YOU know what you should be eating? Are YOU happy? That's all that matters. I understand you love him, but love is more than words, and it can't be one-sided. If he can't show you he loves you, what does it matter? Is it worth what it may cost you?
If you think he's doing it with out meaning to... you should start critiquing him back. He's not perfect and he has insecurities just like the rest of us. Maybe if you start pointing them out every time, he'll realize what an *kitten* he's being. :grumble:0 -
If you don't want to leave him, then tell him one more time that you're struggling but doing your best, and his constant comments are making it harder for you so please keep them to himself.
After that, all you should ever have to say is "STOP!"
When my daughter doesn't want to hear what I have to say, she barks "shut it!" I do.0 -
Frankly, the relationship is between the two of you. If it's not working out--in YOUR opinion, not mine or your mom's or your best friend's--then YOU need to decide what you need to do about it.
Don't let someone else make you feel inferior, and don't try to excuse the behavior to yourself because you think he means well.0 -
Agreed.Are kids involved? If so, they are in a front row seat learning how they think they should treat their future mates. No bueno.0 -
Hi.
I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.
The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?
This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
I am sorry that you are not getting the support from your husband that you need. Was he always like this about your weight? Does he realize how much this hurts you? Does he have a weight problem? There are so many questions I could ask because it's hard to know where all this began between you two. Maybe you should sit down and talk with him about how you feel...express to him what you are expressing to us. I have been fortunate to have a boyfriend that is there for me but when I don't do so well he is still supportive and reminds me to take it day by day and that he loves me no matter what. I am there for you if you need a friend you can "friend me".
Don't give up with your goal and let him know that it doesn't help when he says these things to you and that you could use his support.
Also, sometimes it is good to vent to those who may know what you are going through. Take care and be strong!0 -
you are half way correct - you will never measure up to what he expect. You can do whatever you want , you can have surgery, and go on a hundred diets, and lose every bit of weight, and he will STILL find somethign to complain aboutHi.
I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me.
because honey, this isn't about YOU. it's all about him. he has some seroius issues. and the longer you stay in this situation, the more you are going to believe him - you are going to believe that you are fat, and ugly, and incompetent, and that the reason your marriage isn't good is because of YOU, and if you would only "do what he wants" (lose the weight, get your hair cut, clean the house, make more money) then all will be well.
ah, how well i know the drill. i was you, many years ago. no i didn't have surgery but i could never do anything "right". my then husband had me believe that i would never make it on my own. i remember when i finally left him and had to sign a rental contract, my hands were shaking. the first time i bought myself a plane ticket i was petrified - after all, he spent days every time he had to buy a ticket and kept yelling at me that i "could never understand how complicated it was". but - thankfully - i'm in a whole different place now.
If you don't want to give up on your marriage then please get yourself to marital therapy. this is very dystunctional.
Oh and what i said in the first line - you got the sentence half right - because it's not that you will never be good enough for HIM - it's that you are TOO GOOD for him.0 -
Sorry to hear that. He certainly is no help is he?
I would be tempted to tell him that you are doing this for yourself. Not for him.
Honestly this does not sound like a good position for you to be in.
Nobody needs to have to face criticism like that while working hard to improve their health and confidence.
Especially from the one person you should be able to count on.
Giving an emotional eater lots of opportunities to eat their feelings is unfeeling and cruel.
He could use a serious attitude adjustment or walk him to the curb.0 -
My father treated my mother like this for years. The sad thing was, I learned to think of myself/my mother/all women as weak, and hated myself for it. I didn't learn different for a long time. And, I didn't learn that outside of my home, my mom was a strong, intelligent, articulate woman until many years later. She told me after the divorce, that none of her friends could believe that she would put up with Dad's crap because they didn't know her as a woman that could cope with that. She didn't recognize herself at home, and dissociated, leaving (mentally) her kids to fend for themselves. My dad would verbally abuse her about her weight, how big she was, and then hold it against her sexually, by either refusing her or being brutal (thanks mom for that image, btw, no boundaries at first, kinda rough)
What you wrote as OP... sounds painfully familiar. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive, but I don't think so. If you don't have kids to worry about making plans for, get out. Now. Pack a bag, go to a friend, just leave.0 -
Have you told him how you feel? It's difficult to judge from here, but it's clear that he's not helping. Talk to him and if that doesn't work then you have some major life decisions to make. Counseling or move on? Not an easy place to be.0
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I've been married for 44 years and have bounced 25 - 30 weight gain since 2nd grade.
My husband sounds a lot like yours. But for the past few years as soon as I gain the
1st 5 pounds back he quits touching me. Now it's just a game. I think I gain the weight back
so he won't touch me. Other than that.......... as soon as I loose weight he's all over me but
I think if he loves me it should be through "thick or thin" Good luck0 -
Sorry, I got nothing for ya. I, too, left my verbally abusive husband, because I didn't want to stick around and find out if it would become physically abusive as well.
That was years ago, and I've never regretted it. Ever. Not even one little bit.0 -
That is awful. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It may be that he genuinely is just worried for you and is showing it poorly. Don't want to judge too harshly, as people handle things differently. (although I would have kicked his *kitten* a long time ago
)
On a better note...Do enough to make YOU happy...Do what YOU feel you need to do...as much as YOU can do.
YOU are what is important You are the only person you have to please, and in the end, the only person whose opinion matters.
Good luck0 -
Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.
If he truley thinks he is helping you and is not just an *kitten*, then you need to sit him down and tell him that HE is hindering your progress by making you feel bad about yourself. Losing weight is hard enough without that kind of baggage. Using "I" sentences works better then "You" sentences.
You know, I feel this way when you make these kind of statements. And if you truely want to help me then you would not be giving me "negative feedback" to all my hard work. Making me feel good about what I have accomplished so far will help me to continue to lose instead of binge eat because your comments make me feel like I can't accomplish anything.
Guys sometimes really don't realize how negative reinforcement does not work for most women. And also that backhanded compliments are not compliments. Oops, rambling on now.
Good luck getting him to realize what he is doing to you.
I agree with this poster. He may even think negative comments are "motivation." If telling him honestly how you feel does not work you might seek a marriage counselor (RESEARCH the hell out of them first...I've seen some pretty bad advice come from them!) If he treats you well in all other aspects of your marriage, then I wouldn't be so quick to kick him out. Lots of guys develop bad habits just because no one TELLS them that they are wrong. Honesty and clarity go a LONG way (if he wants to make it work...if he doesn't care then he isn't worth the effort!)0 -
Just break up.0
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I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
This really rings alarm bells, it sounds like he is breaking down yourself esteem and alienating you from your family and friends all signs of an abusive partner. I would attempt to get counselling by yourself, and with him if you lie, to work though the issues he is causing/bringing up.0 -
It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me.
Your journey is about you. Your weight loss can't be about anyone else, not even your husband. Sure, someone can be an inspiration, but from what you describe, your husband is far from inspirational.He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me.
You can try telling him that he's being a bully when he continually says things you have told him are hurtful. He can contribute positively to your weight loss journey or not at all. You're an admitted emotional eater, and his negative and critical attitude will only trigger and sabotage you. Let him know that the next time he says something mean, you will walk out of the room/hang up/otherwise remove yourself - and then follow through.
He might try and say he's offering "tough love" or "constructive criticism." If that's not what you want from him, tell him so. Then tell him what you do need from him (like positive contributions, compliments, a listening ear - let him know when you want him to listen versus when you want a solution from him)....he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Perhaps he wants to keep private business private. But would he be amenable to marriage counseling? It seems like there are some communication issues here.
What others think of your weight loss is not nearly as important as how you feel - but it's easy to base how you feel on how others think of your weight loss
It's an awkward catch-22 isn't it? Weight loss surgery is a huge life change. Add on top of it body image changes, and a history of emotional eating, and of course you'll have some turmoil. But your husband should be your support through this, not an additional stress. Have a big, open, calm heart-to-heart about what you want and need from him, and that the negativity is not working for you - and might even be sabotaging you.
Good luck
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Honestly, I'd tell the man that unless he looked like Adam Levine or Brad Pitt, shut the F^*K up.
The fact that he criticized you before, and now he's doing it again, but in a different way, means he is the one that has the issues, not you0 -
I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
This really rings alarm bells, it sounds like he is breaking down yourself esteem and alienating you from your family and friends all signs of an abusive partner. I would attempt to get counselling by yourself, and with him if you lie, to work though the issues he is causing/bringing up.
This. However, couples' counseling tends to be used as another mechanism for abuse, so I think individual therapy would be much more helpful.
Four years into my abusive first marriage was when I started noticing that something was "wrong" but I stuck it out for 9 years trying to fix things. Don't waste as many years as I did.0 -
You're being verbally and emotionally abused. The only way to get him to stop will be for you to leave. I'm sorry
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Does he honestly think he's being supportive? He may not see it as abuse.0
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Tell him everything that is in your post. Especially how what he is doing only makes you feel like worse and that he is ashamed of you. It may be that he really is trying to help and has no clue that he isn't helping at all. Weight loss surgery takes away the physical hunger, but not the emotional need to eat. I would make sure he understands this too. On the other hand telling him this will only work if he is unknowingly acting this way. He may think it is perfectly ok to treat you this way and if that is the case then no amount of weight loss can fix him. Good luck. Congrats on your weight loss 50 pounds is an amazing accomplishment.0
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Not only is he being abusive...not critical...he knows he is. Thats why he tells you not to discuss it. Been there...done that. I had (HAD) a hubby that was controlling, over critical and effectively cut me off from my family and friends. I kept thinking it would change..it didnt. I am so sorry. Best of luck to you. Maybe if he realized that you are unhappy enough that you wanted out he might make an effort. For your sake I hope so . You do not need to measure up to his expectation...only your own.0
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Hmmm "UP in his face!" is the first reaction. Finding a quite burial spot the 2nd! It is all what you are going to put up with. And it won't end until you make it end. One way or the other.
I am a pretty agreeable person and my husband is quietly - extremely supportive. But his mama taught him right! He would never make a bad comment on they way I look!0 -
I'm happy people have more logical things to say other then what I'm thinking.. smash him in the face with a barbell and tell him to STFU because you're not doing this for him, you're doing this for YOURSELF! Also, he married you through good times and bad and if he can't take the bad times, then he should eff off.
I had a boyfriend who use to constantly say "No fat chicks!" to me when we dated. I stayed with this loser for 4 1/2 years... I never did get fat. However, when my weight would approach 140lbs (which is nothing I'm 5'7), he would tell me I need to working out again - I wasn't consistent in my early 20's. He was ripped with 6 pack abs and of course, it got to his head. I also found out the whole time the SOB was cheating on me.
I agree with what the women and men in this forum are saying... do this for YOU and if he doesn't like that you're doing it at your own pace, that's too bad. You will have to explain to him that him criticizing you and putting you down isn't helping and only hindering your progress as the stress makes your cortisol levels elevate and there is no chance any weight will come off under stress.
Anyway, I could go on but I'm uber peeved I read this... he's lucky he's not my husband - lets just say that!0 -
Sorry, I got nothing for ya. I, too, left my verbally abusive husband, because I didn't want to stick around and find out if it would become physically abusive as well.
That was years ago, and I've never regretted it. Ever. Not even one little bit.
This. Because it goes there, more often than not. I was one stair tumble away from death when I finally got it through my thick skull to GTFO. No amount of counseling helped me either, because I was so beat down, literally and metaphorically. It might be a route to travel first, if you're both willing.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting, but it can get better. But, you need to make sure you do get the help and support that you need - because I turned right around and went from bad to evil and spent decades of my life being horribly abused. It is my fervent hope that there are not kids that he's harming in this manner as well, repeating the cycle for them.
You *are* stronger than you know, so very much so. And you are worth so much more too.
Edit: Spelling0 -
Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?
People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.0 -
p.s., If my husband ( who is a supportive and loving guy) was the sort to try this crap with me, he would humbly back down and apologize, once he got out of intensive care.
LMAO! Exactly!!!0
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