Critical Husband

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  • littlebrownbat3
    littlebrownbat3 Posts: 54 Member
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    My father treated my mother like this for years. The sad thing was, I learned to think of myself/my mother/all women as weak, and hated myself for it. I didn't learn different for a long time. And, I didn't learn that outside of my home, my mom was a strong, intelligent, articulate woman until many years later. She told me after the divorce, that none of her friends could believe that she would put up with Dad's crap because they didn't know her as a woman that could cope with that. She didn't recognize herself at home, and dissociated, leaving (mentally) her kids to fend for themselves. My dad would verbally abuse her about her weight, how big she was, and then hold it against her sexually, by either refusing her or being brutal (thanks mom for that image, btw, no boundaries at first, kinda rough)

    What you wrote as OP... sounds painfully familiar. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive, but I don't think so. If you don't have kids to worry about making plans for, get out. Now. Pack a bag, go to a friend, just leave.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    Have you told him how you feel? It's difficult to judge from here, but it's clear that he's not helping. Talk to him and if that doesn't work then you have some major life decisions to make. Counseling or move on? Not an easy place to be.
  • vettecat
    vettecat Posts: 12
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    I've been married for 44 years and have bounced 25 - 30 weight gain since 2nd grade.
    My husband sounds a lot like yours. But for the past few years as soon as I gain the
    1st 5 pounds back he quits touching me. Now it's just a game. I think I gain the weight back
    so he won't touch me. Other than that.......... as soon as I loose weight he's all over me but
    I think if he loves me it should be through "thick or thin" Good luck
  • AllonsYtotheTardis
    AllonsYtotheTardis Posts: 16,947 Member
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    Sorry, I got nothing for ya. I, too, left my verbally abusive husband, because I didn't want to stick around and find out if it would become physically abusive as well.


    That was years ago, and I've never regretted it. Ever. Not even one little bit.
  • MeAnTtOBeThIn
    MeAnTtOBeThIn Posts: 22 Member
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    That is awful. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It may be that he genuinely is just worried for you and is showing it poorly. Don't want to judge too harshly, as people handle things differently. (although I would have kicked his *kitten* a long time ago :) )

    On a better note...Do enough to make YOU happy...Do what YOU feel you need to do...as much as YOU can do.

    YOU are what is important You are the only person you have to please, and in the end, the only person whose opinion matters.
    Good luck
  • HannahJDiaz25
    HannahJDiaz25 Posts: 329 Member
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    Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.

    If he truley thinks he is helping you and is not just an *kitten*, then you need to sit him down and tell him that HE is hindering your progress by making you feel bad about yourself. Losing weight is hard enough without that kind of baggage. Using "I" sentences works better then "You" sentences.

    You know, I feel this way when you make these kind of statements. And if you truely want to help me then you would not be giving me "negative feedback" to all my hard work. Making me feel good about what I have accomplished so far will help me to continue to lose instead of binge eat because your comments make me feel like I can't accomplish anything.

    Guys sometimes really don't realize how negative reinforcement does not work for most women. And also that backhanded compliments are not compliments. Oops, rambling on now.

    Good luck getting him to realize what he is doing to you.

    I agree with this poster. He may even think negative comments are "motivation." If telling him honestly how you feel does not work you might seek a marriage counselor (RESEARCH the hell out of them first...I've seen some pretty bad advice come from them!) If he treats you well in all other aspects of your marriage, then I wouldn't be so quick to kick him out. Lots of guys develop bad habits just because no one TELLS them that they are wrong. Honesty and clarity go a LONG way (if he wants to make it work...if he doesn't care then he isn't worth the effort!)
  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
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    Just break up.
  • Pookylou
    Pookylou Posts: 988 Member
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    I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

    Thanks for listening.

    This really rings alarm bells, it sounds like he is breaking down yourself esteem and alienating you from your family and friends all signs of an abusive partner. I would attempt to get counselling by yourself, and with him if you lie, to work though the issues he is causing/bringing up.
  • iWillGetCrowSomeday
    iWillGetCrowSomeday Posts: 311 Member
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    It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me.

    Your journey is about you. Your weight loss can't be about anyone else, not even your husband. Sure, someone can be an inspiration, but from what you describe, your husband is far from inspirational.
    He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me.

    You can try telling him that he's being a bully when he continually says things you have told him are hurtful. He can contribute positively to your weight loss journey or not at all. You're an admitted emotional eater, and his negative and critical attitude will only trigger and sabotage you. Let him know that the next time he says something mean, you will walk out of the room/hang up/otherwise remove yourself - and then follow through.

    He might try and say he's offering "tough love" or "constructive criticism." If that's not what you want from him, tell him so. Then tell him what you do need from him (like positive contributions, compliments, a listening ear - let him know when you want him to listen versus when you want a solution from him).
    ...he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

    Perhaps he wants to keep private business private. But would he be amenable to marriage counseling? It seems like there are some communication issues here.

    What others think of your weight loss is not nearly as important as how you feel - but it's easy to base how you feel on how others think of your weight loss :wink: It's an awkward catch-22 isn't it? Weight loss surgery is a huge life change. Add on top of it body image changes, and a history of emotional eating, and of course you'll have some turmoil. But your husband should be your support through this, not an additional stress. Have a big, open, calm heart-to-heart about what you want and need from him, and that the negativity is not working for you - and might even be sabotaging you.

    Good luck :heart:
  • MsPris12
    MsPris12 Posts: 7 Member
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    Honestly, I'd tell the man that unless he looked like Adam Levine or Brad Pitt, shut the F^*K up.

    The fact that he criticized you before, and now he's doing it again, but in a different way, means he is the one that has the issues, not you
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
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    I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.

    Thanks for listening.

    This really rings alarm bells, it sounds like he is breaking down yourself esteem and alienating you from your family and friends all signs of an abusive partner. I would attempt to get counselling by yourself, and with him if you lie, to work though the issues he is causing/bringing up.

    This. However, couples' counseling tends to be used as another mechanism for abuse, so I think individual therapy would be much more helpful.

    Four years into my abusive first marriage was when I started noticing that something was "wrong" but I stuck it out for 9 years trying to fix things. Don't waste as many years as I did.
  • missshyeviolett
    missshyeviolett Posts: 310 Member
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    You're being verbally and emotionally abused. The only way to get him to stop will be for you to leave. I'm sorry :(
  • bacitracin
    bacitracin Posts: 921 Member
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    Does he honestly think he's being supportive? He may not see it as abuse.
  • ngressman
    ngressman Posts: 229 Member
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    Tell him everything that is in your post. Especially how what he is doing only makes you feel like worse and that he is ashamed of you. It may be that he really is trying to help and has no clue that he isn't helping at all. Weight loss surgery takes away the physical hunger, but not the emotional need to eat. I would make sure he understands this too. On the other hand telling him this will only work if he is unknowingly acting this way. He may think it is perfectly ok to treat you this way and if that is the case then no amount of weight loss can fix him. Good luck. Congrats on your weight loss 50 pounds is an amazing accomplishment.
  • Onaughmae
    Onaughmae Posts: 873 Member
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    Not only is he being abusive...not critical...he knows he is. Thats why he tells you not to discuss it. Been there...done that. I had (HAD) a hubby that was controlling, over critical and effectively cut me off from my family and friends. I kept thinking it would change..it didnt. I am so sorry. Best of luck to you. Maybe if he realized that you are unhappy enough that you wanted out he might make an effort. For your sake I hope so . You do not need to measure up to his expectation...only your own.
  • Shetchncn1
    Shetchncn1 Posts: 260 Member
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    Hmmm "UP in his face!" is the first reaction. Finding a quite burial spot the 2nd! It is all what you are going to put up with. And it won't end until you make it end. One way or the other.

    I am a pretty agreeable person and my husband is quietly - extremely supportive. But his mama taught him right! He would never make a bad comment on they way I look!
  • footiechick82
    footiechick82 Posts: 1,203 Member
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    I'm happy people have more logical things to say other then what I'm thinking.. smash him in the face with a barbell and tell him to STFU because you're not doing this for him, you're doing this for YOURSELF! Also, he married you through good times and bad and if he can't take the bad times, then he should eff off.

    I had a boyfriend who use to constantly say "No fat chicks!" to me when we dated. I stayed with this loser for 4 1/2 years... I never did get fat. However, when my weight would approach 140lbs (which is nothing I'm 5'7), he would tell me I need to working out again - I wasn't consistent in my early 20's. He was ripped with 6 pack abs and of course, it got to his head. I also found out the whole time the SOB was cheating on me.

    I agree with what the women and men in this forum are saying... do this for YOU and if he doesn't like that you're doing it at your own pace, that's too bad. You will have to explain to him that him criticizing you and putting you down isn't helping and only hindering your progress as the stress makes your cortisol levels elevate and there is no chance any weight will come off under stress.

    Anyway, I could go on but I'm uber peeved I read this... he's lucky he's not my husband - lets just say that!
  • EmilyJackCO
    EmilyJackCO Posts: 621 Member
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    Sorry, I got nothing for ya. I, too, left my verbally abusive husband, because I didn't want to stick around and find out if it would become physically abusive as well.


    That was years ago, and I've never regretted it. Ever. Not even one little bit.

    This. Because it goes there, more often than not. I was one stair tumble away from death when I finally got it through my thick skull to GTFO. No amount of counseling helped me either, because I was so beat down, literally and metaphorically. It might be a route to travel first, if you're both willing.

    I'm so sorry that you are hurting, but it can get better. But, you need to make sure you do get the help and support that you need - because I turned right around and went from bad to evil and spent decades of my life being horribly abused. It is my fervent hope that there are not kids that he's harming in this manner as well, repeating the cycle for them.

    You *are* stronger than you know, so very much so. And you are worth so much more too.

    Edit: Spelling
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    Have you tried educating him about weight loss? Or telling him that his blunt approach is hurting your feelings?


    People are so damn quick to call out verbal abuse. If it was a woman telling a man these things, I would bet most of you wouldn't bat an eye.
  • Shetchncn1
    Shetchncn1 Posts: 260 Member
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    p.s., If my husband ( who is a supportive and loving guy) was the sort to try this crap with me, he would humbly back down and apologize, once he got out of intensive care.

    LMAO! Exactly!!!

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