Critical Husband
Replies
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Has his hairline receded in the last 6 years? If so, get him some Rogaine and tell him when it starts to work, he can talk to you about your weight again.0
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Im sorry, is he some kind of Adonis? You deserve so much better than this. Many times the insecurities of others rears its ugly head. Tell him to bugger off you don't need him chipping away at you like this.0
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So would it be better if he WAS extremely attractive and fit? :huh:0
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He'll never change can you see yourself putting up with this 30years from now?0
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Plain and simple abuse. No one can respond positively to being constantly berated, nor can one live as an adult and feel as though they must report to someone on their progress every second of the day.
You need to explain how this is affecting you and don't let him try to cop out by saying he just cares about you or is just concerned. His "concern" reeks of self-concern and that is all. Stick to your guns and make him stop, because if you continue to deal with such behaviour, it will only whittle away your self-esteem. You may not see it now or next week or next month, but I guarantee there will come a time where you will feel "not good enough" and be able to look back and attribute it to his treatment of you.0 -
So would it be better if he WAS extremely attractive and fit? :huh:
Apparently, some people here might think that extremely attractive SO's are allowed to be "abusive".0 -
Hi.
I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.
The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?
This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
Hun.. I am going to be dead honest with you.. My EX husband became like that after a year of marriage I stuck it out. I went from one crash diet to another, and I hired a personal triainer. Then I found out he was cheating on me for 5 out of our 7 years of marriage. I hope this is not what is happening to you I was devistated. I gained everything I lost about 30 pounds and then added another 5. I wish you all the luck if you need to vent you can message me..0 -
Too bad you can't show him this post and thread!!! I was married to someone like that for 16 years, together 19. We had 3 children together and I listened to him berate me for years, telling me no one else would ever want me, that I was fat and he didn't know why I even bothered fixing my face and hair, etc. I finally got up the nerve to leave back in 2001. I see he is now sucking the life out of the 2nd wife of 9 years. She used to fix herself up and seem to take pride in her appearance. Now, she is more like a mouse who is scared. It's not so much any kind of physical abuse, but the verbal was horrible. I ate more out of depression and discouragement. He had an affair when I was pregnant with our 3rd child and told me it was because I was fat. Not long after having her and finding out about his affair, I became bulimic and threw up multiple times a day, worked out constantly, went on Xenical (which was then an Rx for binding the fat in your system) and lost a bunch of weight. It was never enough. I now hear my kids say things like "I don't think I can ever do anything right where dad is concerned" and comments like that and so I see he makes them feel the same way. They are now 17, 18, and 24. Each of them can see why I had to leave their dad and understands. He belittles the girls now as far as their physical bodies go also. Thank goodness, they have gotten where they tell their dad how they feel about his hurtful words. Does it stop him? No.....but none of us have to live with him anymore, thank goodness. I am so sorry you are going through this!!! You are doing great and you keep doing what you are doing for YOU and only YOU!!! My family kept telling me I would finally get to the point where I had enough and I finally did. Hugs to you and you have a lot of support here from all the posts I read above mine!!!0
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I'm so sorry that this is something you are going through. Obviously you have told him how his words (which frankly he is being just plain mean to his WIFE) hurt you and he jsut doesnt care which is frankly verbal and emotional abuse. By him berating you and then trying to have you withold information from those that are closest to he is using your emotions against you. It also seems to me like he himself is being ignorant about what you are going through. Weight loss on it's own is a process and you need to be supported in it. Having weight loss surgery is a entire LIFESTYLE CHANGE and it takes TIME. This is not just a simple thing where you can get instant gratification which seems like (based on what i've read and my interpretation of it) that he is expecting. People who have this surgery go through several stages in order to see the results they want and to lose the weight successfully. I wish you luck in your journey of weight loss/ health and i hope that you find the strength within yourself to continue on your journey and to stand up for yourself.0
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HI my husband was about 450lbs . he would ask me if he weight bother me . i told him that i married him because i love him not for how much he did or didnt weight. but i did said that we married for sickness and health but that is later not now ..and if i try dieting and working out since we being to together that he could try to. as long as we try to be healthly together ill never stop beening attracted to you.i am almost 200lbs . if your really trying hard and beening truthful to your self this man you call husband should never be able to tear you down. i know that alot of these comment seem neg about him ... but a real man who love someone would NEVER EVER say that he is not attracted too. your still the same person in side beautiful inside and outside.he should be right there with you every step of the way. and yes sometimes my husbund says neg thinks to me but never that i am unattractive... the weight you lost with or without the surgery is still vaild , it still means something. it you whos doing the work ! dont let him get in your head. to be honest i think hes afraid that youll reach your goals and leave him, so he trying to pull you down to his level.0
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Your husband is verbally abusing you, emotionally manipulating you, and isolating you from your support network. Please, find a therapist and someone you trust.
Before he critiqued your weight, and emotionally manipulated you into having a costly, invasive surgery. Now he's criticizing you for the procedure (under the guise of it being YOUR fault!) for not working fast enough for him.
He tells you not to discuss your issues with friends or family, as if he has the right. He has *no* such right when he does nothing but criticize you before and after a major surgery. He is *isolating* you to take away your support system and make you totally emotionally dependent upon him. Do not fall into his trap! Though this has probably gone on for some years already, please consider seeing a marriage counsellor at least. (Even by yourself!)
I'm sorry, but you won't hear anything positive from this man regarding this issue. He doesn't care about you, he cares about tearing you down for his own reasons, and he doubtlessly knows you yearn for his praise. If he gives any at all, I'm willing to bet it will be just enough to keep you thinking positively about him.
If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU. "Myself" is the best reason you can have for losing weight and being healthy. Nothing else should be the critical reason. Plenty of people are overweight while being happy, confident members of society. If you want to be healthy for yourself, then more power to you! But don't let yourself be forced on a path that others are pushing you on.0 -
You're post saddens me. My hubby and I had a talk a while ago. I gave him *kitten* and asked him why he didn't tell me I looked like I did! I know I should have been able to see it in the mirror myself. He blankly looked at me and said, I see you the same as the day we met. Thirty years later he's a keeper. I have never heard your fat, lazy, whatever......and neither should you. Please get help:flowerforyou:0
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You could always look into 'power and control' wheels. and if he is doing this in more than just your weight loss journey there are resources out there for you - you can message me if you need those resources. Also healthy relationships do exist, goodluck to you.0
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You have already spoken the problem, dear. Focus on the important things to you. Your health is a priority and you are making it one. When the time comes, you will know what you need to do. Good luck!0
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Quick way to dump 150 lbs. Dump his loser *kitten*. You can do better and you deserve better.0
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all relationships are different some men are more aggressive some men are more sensitive and you have to not compare your relationships to other peoples relationships. relationships are not easy they take a lot of work
if you love your husband you will sit down with him and have a serious talk about the situation and lay it all on the table and then take it a day at a time and keep reminding him that you do not respond well to his harsh criticism because that only discourages you and you tell him if he really wants to help he can give you positive criticism without being harsh about it good luck.0 -
Wow. Well put. We should all be able to do this!all relationships are different some men are more aggressive some men are more sensitive and you have to not compare your relationships to other peoples relationships. relationships are not easy they take a lot of work
if you love your husband you will sit down with him and have a serious talk about the situation and lay it all on the table and then take it a day at a time and keep reminding him that you do not respond well to his harsh criticism because that only discourages you and you tell him if he really wants to help he can give you positive criticism without being harsh about it good luck.0 -
I also am sorry to hear you are not getting support from your husband. I think you could lose more weight literally and figuratively by starting with kicking his butt out the door. Everyone, deserves someone in their life who is going to support them through everything and be encouraging rather than discouraging. Love yourself enough to know you don't deserve his cruel and hurtful words. If you don't think your ready or want to end your marriage, you might want to start by just letting him know that his words are just going to hurt you and set you up for failure. Tell him if he wants you to be healthy and successful in your weight loss, words of encouragement would be much more helpful, and also let him know that if he cant be positive then he should keep his opinions and comments to himself:flowerforyou:0
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This 100%all relationships are different some men are more aggressive some men are more sensitive and you have to not compare your relationships to other peoples relationships. relationships are not easy they take a lot of work
if you love your husband you will sit down with him and have a serious talk about the situation and lay it all on the table and then take it a day at a time and keep reminding him that you do not respond well to his harsh criticism because that only discourages you and you tell him if he really wants to help he can give you positive criticism without being harsh about it good luck.
If he won't listen ... then.... well..0 -
Hi.
I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater. I do walk 2 to 2.5 miles every morning, but I just started this three weeks ago.
The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost? Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me? It seems like he has switched gears but that my results are not good enough for him. I get so frustrated. I'm beginning to think that I will never be good enough or measure up to what he expects from me. He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls". I am just so tired. How would you handle this? without it sending me further back to old habits?
This is the first relationship I have every been in with someone so critical of me. We have been married for going on 6 years. He doesn't seem to understand why I get so mad when he says the things that he does. He tells me that he is just trying to help me and be honest with me. But I always end up feeling like I am not good enough or that he is ashamed of me. I almost feel crazy just for venting this here but he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular. I have always been a strong and independent person and I'm starting to let him get in my head.
Thanks for listening.
He has a boundary issue. He doesn't realize that his skin ends with him and doesn't extend to you. He might think he owns you. He sounds like a verbal abuser and talks to you without respect. I would not tolerate that for even five minutes in a relationship. If you can, read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Your library probably has it so you could read it for free. I read it many years ago and it opened my eyes about why my mother pushed me around when I was a kid.0 -
Your husband is verbally abusing you, emotionally manipulating you, and isolating you from your support network. Please, find a therapist and someone you trust.
Before he critiqued your weight, and emotionally manipulated you into having a costly, invasive surgery. Now he's criticizing you for the procedure (under the guise of it being YOUR fault!) for not working fast enough for him.
He tells you not to discuss your issues with friends or family, as if he has the right. He has *no* such right when he does nothing but criticize you before and after a major surgery. He is *isolating* you to take away your support system and make you totally emotionally dependent upon him. Do not fall into his trap! Though this has probably gone on for some years already, please consider seeing a marriage counsellor at least. (Even by yourself!)
I'm sorry, but you won't hear anything positive from this man regarding this issue. He doesn't care about you, he cares about tearing you down for his own reasons, and he doubtlessly knows you yearn for his praise. If he gives any at all, I'm willing to bet it will be just enough to keep you thinking positively about him.
If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU. "Myself" is the best reason you can have for losing weight and being healthy. Nothing else should be the critical reason. Plenty of people are overweight while being happy, confident members of society. If you want to be healthy for yourself, then more power to you! But don't let yourself be forced on a path that others are pushing you on.
^^^THIS^^^
Also, you're gorgeous!
Tell EVERYONE the things he says to you. EVERYONE. Silence is your enemy. You have NO IDEA how convoluted your thoughts and feelings become until you say them aloud. He is a gaslighter and I guarantee he will stop saying these things when you do. Either out of humiliation or absence.
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I have been a member of MFP for a while but I am trying to refocus and get back in line. I have been backsliding and I have reached a plateau for the last 2 months. I had weight loss surgery last August. I have lost almost 50 pounds. I have been teetering between 46 and 49 lbs lost. I am an emotional eater.
The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. Why I am or am not losing weight. He is always asking me questions like: is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery? That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost?
I hate to say it - but I'd probably be the food police too if my wife convinced me to pay for her to get this surgery and then started "backsliding". Even with insurance - I'm sure this was not cheap. But if you stick to the plan - then it was an investment in your future health.
Have you considered going to a psychiatrist about the emotional eating? If you don't get that under control - is anything else (including your husband being nicer) really going to help?he actually tells me not to discuss our problems with other people and always name my best friend or mom in particular.
I think it is _COMPLETELY_ inappropriate to vent about your husband and your marriage problems with people in your immediate social circle. You're putting your husband into a bad, one-sided, light with people that he will be socializing with. IMO, even venting to random Internet strangers is better than that. So I agree with him there.0 -
I am so sorry to hear this. You are not crazy and no one can tell you what you talk to your mom or best friend about.
You talk to them about whatever you want. They are YOUR confidants.
How I would handle this:
I would sit him down for a Big Talk explaining that while I understand he might be frustrated at how he perceives this journey is going, that I am hurt & frustrated too and his being critical is not helping.
I would also want him to confirm he wanted to be with me and to join me in seeking counselling because obviously the communication system has gone wonky and needs readjusting.0 -
get a new husband.0
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It would be beneficial to both of you for you to start pointing out his being critical. Unfortunately, if he does not get his sh-t straight, he will always be critical of you. It is wrong of him to assume you will live up to his standards, because his standards are unattainable.0
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Try saying, "That was abusive. I'm going to (take a walk, go downstairs, go upstairs, something OUT OF THE ROOM) for five minutes." Give him his time-out. If you realize you spend way too much time away and he doesn't change, let him share his wisdom with someone who wants it, because you don't.0
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This marriage needs to be reinvented. It's not about weight! My advice is to get a copy of 'Love and Respect' and the accompanying DVD and start over with him. sadly what you do find is that there is stuff you may both need to change. but it has done wonders for me and my wife. get it on Amazon and initiate the change and stop worry about your weight for a while. your marriage and your sanity is more important and your weight issues will be much easier to resolve once you have addressed these issues.
good luck and praying for you.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/15941532050 -
You are not crazy hun. Please don't get upset with me for saying this (I have not read even 1 reply to your post, just read your post) and I can tell you 1. either your husband is a complete *kitten* and is a selfish jerk or 2. he is just very stupid and doesn't realize how bad his words are hurting you. From what you said, I tend to lean more towards 1.
No human should ever demean or belittle anyone for trying to better themselves. I can relate some. I have not had surgery but I started on my "diet" about a year ago and my mother tells me and everyone else in my family constantly that what I am doing isn't working b/c I should have lost a LOT more than 30 lbs by now. Maybe shes right but she also isnt gone to work 12 hours a day 5 days a week like I am, she doesnt deal with a foreign (from another country I mean) husband who is like having a 3rd kid, she doesn't have an 11 year old HYPER son on meds and a 2 year old who gets into everything. And............she doesnt have to worry about how bills will get paid like I do b/c the hub can't find work where we live. I do it all. Sorry to go on a tangent about her comments to me. I just mean I can totally understand how his words about "how has this paid off", etc make you feel.
He sounds like a complete *kitten*. Did he guilt you into having the surgery to make HIM happy?? If so, girl........I would leave him so fast, he wouldn't even know what happened. Don't EVER let another person make you feel bad about yourself for their own selfish reasons. If he is totally about your looks and not your heart, your brain, your character and how you are as a PERSON..........get the hell away from him before he tears you down completely. DONT let him do that!!!!!
You are beautiful!!! You deserve better than that and he needs to come to a realization that he needs to love you for YOU and not expect you to kill yourself trying to look like a Playboy ho. If you need someone to talk to, add me!!! I hope you find the strength to confront him and tell him you are doing all you can do and back the F&$^ off or he will be finding himself alone!0 -
Thanks for all the advice. I think more than anything I needed confirmation that I'm not making it something that it is not. He has a way of trying to turn these 'issues' into me over reacting that he is on my side and just trying to "help" me. Not my idea of help.
That is text book behavior for a controlling abusive person. That is the exact thing that most child rapists and pedophiles do. "But I am doing this for you".0 -
Couples counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself and figure out what's going on with you, and where to go from here.
Best of luck.0
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