Critical Husband

Sorry for another post but this has just seared my soul!! I have one question. Is he ultra-healthy? Is he at ideal weight, watching what he eats, working out daily to keep himself a perfect specimen?

If not.....tell him to go to hell! He should be thankful you love him enough to go thru evasive surgery that alters your bodily functions to please him. He should be thankful that you even consider loving him after all of his demeaning comments to you. He should be thankful that you didn't tell him to go to hell a long time ago. It's one thing to encourage your spouse to be healthy to be around longer b/c you want to spend every day possible with them. It's a total OTHER thing to make your spouse feel fat and ugly and make yourself out to be someone who wants nothing more than a trophy wife who needs to worry about what everyone who sees her thinks of her. Sounds like he just wants you to be a physically attractive person (which you ARE very pretty) but *kitten* like that, especially HUSBANDS to women to have hearts and feelings and brains.............need to realize that talking down to and destroying their wife's confidence is NOT the way to accomplish their goals.

I am very fortunate to have a hub who loves me and finds me attractive like I am. You deserve someone who appreciates you for YOU too.

The behaviour you describe* is recognizably abusive, to us. If you have any doubts or feel confused about this, please do as much reading as you can on the subject, and/or, seek counselling for YOURSELF.

You said none of your relationships in the past have gone this way. Think back to them, to remind yourself what's normal. Think about the average relationship you know a bit about. This is so not right.

Personally, I believe it's a waste of time and life to stay with someone when things are as rotten as they sound here. I don't have much faith in relationship counselling, especially when abuse comes into it. A lot of times it makes things worse, or delays the inevitable. Rarely do both people really want the change.

(It's another story when a person wants to change just herself, I think.)

There are other people out there with whom life could be easy. There are challenges in life enough. It should be easy from the start, communication should be easy, and no one should feel the way you feel for even an hour, never mind years.

*sorry to a poster above, whatever the other side is, what's here depicts abusive or at the very least an abysmal, ABYSMAL and likely ingrained communication style on the husband's part. And, unhappiness).

Sweetheart, the first thing I will tell you is that I have been in a similar situation. I won't say I know how you feel as I am not you. I will say that you have to find yourself again and its not in the bottom of the ice cream tub. I have been guilty of eating my feelings too so please don't take offense. It is a habit I started when very young when I didn't have a weight problem.
Enough about that though , You have to figure out if you are doing this for you or for him. If it's for him ... I'm sorry but you won't accomplish it . If it is for you then you need to focus on that and ignore him. Use his negativity to fuel your workout. Sounds silly but it works.
You will survive this. You are a fighter . You just have to remember to fight and who you are fighting for.
Fyi : in my experience , when a man starts attacking my weaknesses there tends to be another unrelated cause behind the abuse. Just saying ...
I hope this helps. Good luck !

The thing that bothers me tho is he is obviously telling her not to talk about their problems. Keep them to herself. Given the comments he makes to her, looks to me like he is just trying to keep her from telling people the awful things he says.

You could be right. Or he simply doesn't want to end up spending Thanksgiving or the next BBQ with people who hate him now that she's spilled her view of his faults and their relationship issues with behind his back?

"The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. " = She's admitted to backsliding - I'll assume that this involves eating inappropriately for someone who has had weight loss surgery within the last year and is actively trying to lose weight? Some critique doesn't seem completely out of line - to me. But I kind of prefer my loved ones to tell me the truth - I rely on it actually.

"Why I am or am not losing weight.", "is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery?", "That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost?" = Again, presumably the family had some significant expense for this operation. The whole family has "skin in this game".

Imagine a less emotional topic. Imagine you scrimped and saved and your family paid for your husband to go to college - and then instead of applying himself and studying, he spent every waking hour playing World of Warcraft and was failing college. I don't think these scenarios are that dissimilar - and I _know_ I would be a jerk about this.

Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me?

Yeah, if those were the words he used - he was being a jerk. But you never know what was actually said and what was heard.

He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls".

If these particular questions bother her - she should tell him. None of these would be considered heinous around my house. My wife asks me every other day how my weigh in went. I never realized that this was abusive. I thought she was just showing interest in something that was important to me. And when it comes down to it - I don't care enough about losing weight to get cut open. If I did, this would probably be MORE appropriate right? Because it would be a much more significant thing than me trying to eat less and exercise more...

And I've certainly been told to change shirts before - and I appreciate the fashion advice when it comes down to it. Although we probably (sometimes) have a bit more tact - more often than not, she'd solve the problem by throwing away my unflattering clothes and I'd solve the problem by buying her new ones. :laugh:

The thing that bothers me tho is he is obviously telling her not to talk about their problems. Keep them to herself. Given the comments he makes to her, looks to me like he is just trying to keep her from telling people the awful things he says.

You could be right. Or he simply doesn't want to end up spending Thanksgiving or the next BBQ with people who hate him now that she's spilled her view of his faults and their relationship issues with behind his back?

"The problem is that my husband constantly critiques what I eat. " = She's admitted to backsliding - I'll assume that this involves eating inappropriately for someone who has had weight loss surgery within the last year and is actively trying to lose weight? Some critique doesn't seem completely out of line - to me. But I kind of prefer my loved ones to tell me the truth - I rely on it actually.

"Why I am or am not losing weight.", "is this it? have you gotten the good out of your surgery?", "That sure was a lot of money for such little progress? Do you feel good about how much you've lost?" = Again, presumably the family had some significant expense for this operation. The whole family has "skin in this game".

Imagine a less emotional topic. Imagine you scrimped and saved and your family paid for your husband to go to college - and then instead of applying himself and studying, he spent every waking hour playing World of Warcraft and was failing college. I don't think these scenarios are that dissimilar - and I _know_ I would be a jerk about this.

Before surgery, he was very verbal about my weight, telling me that he was not attracted to me. Asking me do I not care how I look or how other people see me?

Yeah, if those were the words he used - he was being a jerk. But you never know what was actually said and what was heard.

He constantly asks me how my weigh in went.....am I gaining weight? He also tells me that I should not wear certain things like sleeveless tops or things that are too tight..."that shows your rolls".

If these particular questions bother her - she should tell him. None of these would be considered heinous around my house. My wife asks me every other day how my weigh in went. I never realized that this was abusive. I thought she was just showing interest in something that was important to me. And when it comes down to it - I don't care enough about losing weight to get cut open. If I did, this would probably be MORE appropriate right? Because it would be a much more significant thing than me trying to eat less and exercise more...

And I've certainly been told to change shirts before - and I appreciate the fashion advice when it comes down to it. Although we probably (sometimes) have a bit more tact - more often than not, she'd solve the problem by throwing away my unflattering clothes and I'd solve the problem by buying her new ones. :laugh:

Donmy eyes deceive me? A voice of reason?!

It's not a voice of reason, it's a voice of a preference. He is not hurt by his wife's behavior and instead finds it useful and caring. How they communicate and work toward the goal of a healthy lifestyle works for them.

The obvious difference with the OP and her husband is that the way they are communicating isn't working for her (or for him). The husband apparently isn't getting the results he wants from the communication, and the OP doesn't find the communication helpful in the least in helping her reach her goals. It's a terrible pattern and I'm sure both of them are sick of this issue being between them.

Let's assume that he is not meaning to be abusive, that he honestly cares about the OP and is frustrated beyond belief at her inability to lose weight rapidly; that he believes he is being helpful and honestly doesn't understand why he's not; that he's upset at all the time and money and energy that her weight causes the family. Even if all that is true, continuing his current behavior is still not acceptable or productive. What he's doing now is not working, and she is going so far as to seek the help of others to deal with her hurt instead of going to him.

It's the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

If he is unhappy with her weight, feels let down by the slow weight loss, he has a choice to make: (1) he changes how he interacts with her and figures out how to motivate her; (2) he does the mental math and determines that he can accept her as she is and keeps the peace; or (3) he moves on to someone else.

People are different, react differently, grew up differently, have different needs and desires. If I've learned anything in these forums, it is that weight loss is difficult and that figuring out how to motivate yourself and others is complex. There isn't a one-size fits all motivator.

^^ Even though I agree with all of this. The OP is the one hurt by her husbands actions so she is the one that has to make a choice. She can't change her husband. She can offer to get him help and that's it. Other then that HER choice is to leave or stay. Stay being if she can handle his abusive nature or if he decides to get help and change his behavior. To me this posting isn't about HIM it's about HER and what she can do about the situtation. The husband (based on the information provided) isn't asking for help. The OP is.

It's not a voice of reason, it's a voice of a preference. He is not hurt by his wife's behavior and instead finds it useful and caring. How they communicate and work toward the goal of a healthy lifestyle works for them.

The obvious difference with the OP and her husband is that the way they are communicating isn't working for her (or for him). The husband apparently isn't getting the results he wants from the communication, and the OP doesn't find the communication helpful in the least in helping her reach her goals. It's a terrible pattern and I'm sure both of them are sick of this issue being between them.

Let's assume that he is not meaning to be abusive, that he honestly cares about the OP and is frustrated beyond belief at her inability to lose weight rapidly; that he believes he is being helpful and honestly doesn't understand why he's not; that he's upset at all the time and money and energy that her weight causes the family. Even if all that is true, continuing his current behavior is still not acceptable or productive. What he's doing now is not working, and she is going so far as to seek the help of others to deal with her hurt instead of going to him.

It's the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

If he is unhappy with her weight, feels let down by the slow weight loss, he has a choice to make: (1) he changes how he interacts with her and figures out how to motivate her; (2) he does the mental math and determines that he can accept her as she is and keeps the peace; or (3) he moves on to someone else.

People are different, react differently, grew up differently, have different needs and desires. If I've learned anything in these forums, it is that weight loss is difficult and that figuring out how to motivate yourself and others is complex. There isn't a one-size fits all motivator.

THIS.

For some people, shaming is an effective motivator, for other's it is not. The issue here is that she is telling her husband she doesn't like his motivation skills and rather than change his tactics he continues, as if it's her problem. It's not. It's their problem. She can only control what she does - if she has told him she doesn't like how he speaks to her and he just ignores her and continues, all she can do is chose to stay or choose to leave. Her ticker says is about half way to her goal -- I don't really see how her husband can legitimately be annoyed by slow progress, surgery or not. She has still made significant progress for a year. To me, that indicates that he'd really not concerned about her HEALTH or reasonable and sustainable loss as he an arbitrary standard. Think about it -- most people aren't horribly put off by an extra 40-50 pounds on a person they are married to that they need to mention it at every turn. Attraction is important. Yes, I am not saying it isn't, but um, that shouldn't supersede health and healthy weight loss concerns? That is a massive red flag. In all likelihood, she'll never measure up.

OP, if you are painting an accurate picture (and only you know that) and if he won't go to therapy with you --- I'd bounce. At best, your communication styles are too different for healthy discussions. At worst, you are living with an abuser. Why put up with either? Again, you might have a great reason -- there maybe a lot more that you are sharing here and he's actually not so bad. But if there isn't -- don't feel like you are just being too sensitive because somebody else feels comfortable in a similar situation -- you don't. You are who matters.

Verbal abuse sucks.... Get away while you still have a shred of self esteem left.

have to agree...sorry...

Me, too.