Is my marriage normal?

I'm really sorry to say, but my husband has a physical job, and even when he's on nights he makes time for us. We have a really really close relationship though, and I know a lot of people aren't as close as we are (our brains are connected or something, haha). But, he does make time for us, and plays with us and helps out where he can.

... I could understand a marriage with less attention than my husband gives us, but almost none? Nope. Not okay.

The drinking is a curious and unfortunate thing. Self medicating for some deeper ugliness perhaps? Weve all been in those dark places in our lives and each have to choose how to respond and endure. Drinking is as you are aware not the way to cope and neither is pills or overeating. Find a babysitter and loose the alcohol for an entire weekend and have the conversation you know must be had. Either he's going to be all in with you and the kids or he not. If not, kick him to the curb! Find someone who will be your mate, your best friend, your lover and a father to the little ones. You guys need professional counseling, prayer and an unshakable commitment to each other. Hiding in a bottle is not the place to be and ill bet when faced with the prospect of loosing his family, for real, he will choose differently. He changes or he doesn't, either way you win and so does the kiddos.

He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:

I agree with this.

For years growing up this was my parents' marriage. My dad worked really long hours and he would be asleep in his recliner as soon as he got home. Eventually he changed careers and their marriage is much happier, but they did get counseling for awhile.

If you're unhappy you have to find a way to change that. Maybe it means counseling for both of you, or maybe just for you. Maybe it means you go out and make some friends (I'm a Navy wife and deployments would be awful if I didn't have a close group of friends) or take up a new hobby.

I think whether it's normal is kind of irrelevant. You want things to change, and that's the relevant bit.

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

Hi ashandloggies, I was a stay at home mom of 5 for 17 years. There were years when we didn't seem to have much time for the two of us, but it was important to us to make that time, even if it meant grabbing half an hour to sit down for a chat after the kids were in bed before we went to bed ourselves, or renting a movie to catch on the VCR. (Yeah, we've been married a while...will be 25 years this November!) It sounds to me like you both really need to make an effort at communicating. I would never say your marriage should end, and those who are saying so kind of scare me because they would all too quickly leave a marriage that is still viable. One gets married for better or for worse, and while abuse should never be condoned and is a good reason to end a marriage, feeling lonely is just one of those bumps in the road that is your marriage.

It's time to get back on the road with your husband and talk this through. It might mean seeing a marriage counselor, but if you are both committed to each other, you CAN make it through this slump. It isn't easy staying home and watching the kids. It also isn't easy feeling the pressure of being the sole breadwinner for the family, and especially so in this current day of many layoffs and job losses. He probably doesn't realize how lonely and forgotten you feel, and you may not realize that he feels stress over his situation and spending time with his buddies is one way he can find to relax. Certainly there is a happy medium here that you both can find through communication and exploration of your feelings together. I wish you both the best of luck!

Also, it might help if you can find a way to get out of the house without the kids once in a while together as well as separately. Not having friends in your area is not a healthy way to live. Friends are the extra spice of life, and having them can make life even happier. You can find ways to connect with other moms at your local parks, story time at the library, volunteering at your children's school, if they are old enough to attend yet, or even through your church, if you attend one. It really helped me when I joined a mom's group at my church. We were all mothers with young children and met once a week to talk about pre-chosen topics, and we had childcare during our weekly sessions. At that time in my life, it was a huge lifesaver for me. I made a lifelong friend through that group, too.

Again, I wish you the best of luck. Your marriage sounds like it is definitely able to be saved. It will just take a little effort. Hang in there!

Get marriage counseling, maybe it's not too late. I'm not gonna defend what he does, but certain jobs are so demanding both physically and mentally that one just wants to sleep or destress (with purely fun mindless stuff) in one's free time. He needs to know that his obligation doesn't stop with providing money, if he can't also be a good father and husband then perhaps it's time for a different (less demanding) job. It might pay less, which could mean that you need to get a job and pick up the slack financially.

Yeah I feel bad for all of us. I have tried talking to him, he thinks I'm just being a nag.

Maybe he doesn't know what to do? I know I was really tired for a long time before I figured out what it was. Men sometimes don't like not knowing how to fix something and who knows it might be hard hearing it at that point. But really until then you need support and should get some friends who get marriage and won't ridicule you. Find wives on here, there are all kinds. Look through the groups or just keep an eye out for one's that are like you.

Everyone's marriages are different but none of them are perfect but lot's of them are worth keeping and working on when times are rough. You'll figure things out in the meantime you sound pretty astute and also responsible so just stick to that until the answers seem obvious.

Anybody suggest that this is his obligation is wrong because we dont like obligations, chores ,errands. She should be the recreation.

I know so many such marriages. Hence, I am afraid to get married.

too bad we arnt neighbors. we could sit on the front porch and watch everyone around us be unhappily married

In for ridiculing marriages from the front porch with beer and chips.

I have an awesome front porch to sit on!! Come on over!

In x2

There is no such thing as normal firstly. Secondly it's not a reason to break up, marriage is about working things out so ignore anyone who says otherwise. Try everything you can first. Talk to him about it more and if it doesn't work suggest seeking help. The other thing is to find a life outside the relationship, he may just be exhausted for real but you can get on with your life and your friends/hobbies without him.

This is a fact ! After our 34 years of marriage to include many years in the US Army, we have had all sorts of issues arise that we have worked through over the years.

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

Hi ashandloggies, I was a stay at home mom of 5 for 17 years. There were years when we didn't seem to have much time for the two of us, but it was important to us to make that time, even if it meant grabbing half an hour to sit down for a chat after the kids were in bed before we went to bed ourselves, or renting a movie to catch on the VCR. (Yeah, we've been married a while...will be 25 years this November!) It sounds to me like you both really need to make an effort at communicating. I would never say your marriage should end, and those who are saying so kind of scare me because they would all too quickly leave a marriage that is still viable. One gets married for better or for worse, and while abuse should never be condoned and is a good reason to end a marriage, feeling lonely is just one of those bumps in the road that is your marriage.

It's time to get back on the road with your husband and talk this through. It might mean seeing a marriage counselor, but if you are both committed to each other, you CAN make it through this slump. It isn't easy staying home and watching the kids. It also isn't easy feeling the pressure of being the sole breadwinner for the family, and especially so in this current day of many layoffs and job losses. He probably doesn't realize how lonely and forgotten you feel, and you may not realize that he feels stress over his situation and spending time with his buddies is one way he can find to relax. Certainly there is a happy medium here that you both can find through communication and exploration of your feelings together. I wish you both the best of luck!

Also, it might help if you can find a way to get out of the house without the kids once in a while together as well as separately. Not having friends in your area is not a healthy way to live. Friends are the extra spice of life, and having them can make life even happier. You can find ways to connect with other moms at your local parks, story time at the library, volunteering at your children's school, if they are old enough to attend yet, or even through your church, if you attend one. It really helped me when I joined a mom's group at my church. We were all mothers with young children and met once a week to talk about pre-chosen topics, and we had childcare during our weekly sessions. At that time in my life, it was a huge lifesaver for me. I made a lifelong friend through that group, too.

Again, I wish you the best of luck. Your marriage sounds like it is definitely able to be saved. It will just take a little effort. Hang in there!

This is very good. Lots of wisdom here. OP, you need friends and a life too. Yes, husband needs to be plugged in you and the kids, but don't rely on him 100% for your happiness. I hope you two can work together & get back on track. My husband & I have had our ups & downs in our 30 yrs together, and there have been times where we weren't as close as we should've been. But we fixed it and I hope you two can too. Good luck to you.