Is my marriage normal?

I see this happen a lot, but that doesnt make it normal. If you are feeling this strongly about it, it needs to be addressed. If it continues to get ignored the problem will not go away, but it will get worse. You can fix something you dont know is broken, and he might not even realize he is making you feel this way. A marriage is a partnership, as is any relationship. It takes two people putting in equal effort and if you arent getting back what you are putting in then the relationship is kind of one sided. Talk to him, work on it, couples couseling, whatever it takes. But you are fabulous and deserve happiness, we all do! Good luck!

Maybe I'm the weird one, but my marriage isn't all negative like some of these posts describe.

My husband is super busy. He works full-time second shift doing some hefty labor, and then goes to college full time on top of that AND helps run a fencing club out of the business I co-own. There are days all he can do is sleep or play video games, but it is certainly not all the time. We fight hard to get our alone time, and we try our best to enjoy those few moments we manage to get them.

My point to the OP is this: If my husband can find time for me, your husband can find time for you. If he's not willing to do that, he doesn't deserve you. Talk to him, be straight up, no passive aggressive stuff. Best of luck.

For a lot of men, "spending time together" is just being in the same building, even dong totally different thing. In his mind, he might think he IS with you and the kids and spending time with you. (Or maybe it's just all the engineer guys I know that are like that, and it's an engineer thing?)

Most ladies, however, think that spending time together means doing the same activity at the same time with someone.

His view on 'spending time together' might be perfectly normal for some men. That part that is wrong is him not willing to change to meet your/the kids needs. (I assume you explained to him that you and the kids are Not feeling together with him, but feeling ignored.)

Communication is important to both come to agreement of spending time together... and counseling might be helpful.

There is no "normal" marriage. He has to understand that there is a problem 1st and know that you are serious about addressing the issue. If he thinks you are going to allow him to act this way towards his family with no consequences then he will continue because it's easy.

Usually there are issues on both sides that aren't being addressed and it's not usually as one-sided as it seems. Counseling is the best thing for this. Marriage is hard. There are really good times and really dark times, but if he is willing to acknowledge an issue then there is a chance.

Keep your head up and have a serious talk with him and let him know that you are serious that your marriage needs to change. Especially for the kids, you have to be strong for the kids...they deserve to live in a home where the parents work together thru issues and love each other even when it's one of those dark times.

Good luck!

He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:

I agree with this.

For years growing up this was my parents' marriage. My dad worked really long hours and he would be asleep in his recliner as soon as he got home. Eventually he changed careers and their marriage is much happier, but they did get counseling for awhile.

If you're unhappy you have to find a way to change that. Maybe it means counseling for both of you, or maybe just for you. Maybe it means you go out and make some friends (I'm a Navy wife and deployments would be awful if I didn't have a close group of friends) or take up a new hobby.

I think whether it's normal is kind of irrelevant. You want things to change, and that's the relevant bit.

Great post.

In all honesty, it sounds like he works a lot, so when he gets home he needs/wants to unwind. And he has probably gotten used to "doing his own thing" over the years and now you are wanting things to change. I think that guys are often oblivious to problems such as these, so while you are very unhappy, he may just be content and not wanting to rock the boat.

Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.

This

He just sounds really really super tired. :frown:

I agree with this.

For years growing up this was my parents' marriage. My dad worked really long hours and he would be asleep in his recliner as soon as he got home. Eventually he changed careers and their marriage is much happier, but they did get counseling for awhile.

If you're unhappy you have to find a way to change that. Maybe it means counseling for both of you, or maybe just for you. Maybe it means you go out and make some friends (I'm a Navy wife and deployments would be awful if I didn't have a close group of friends) or take up a new hobby.

I think whether it's normal is kind of irrelevant. You want things to change, and that's the relevant bit.

^^^ This is really good advice.

In the 20 years I've been married, it's gone through many changes. There have been times when we've started to feel more distant, mostly when I was taking care of our boys when they were small, while he was working long hours. The problem was a combination of my feeling socially isolated and him needing to prioritize better. The trick is, when you can feel things in the relationship start to slide, work on fixing it before it just gets worse. It takes open communication and effort from both parties, but it's worth it. If the communication piece isn't happening (it sounds like that could be a problem with your marriage, that he's not realizing that this issue is as serious as it is to you), it could help to see a counselor. You may need to go through a few before you find one that works for you. I've seen a number of marriages come out stronger than ever and get through much worse. But, it does take dedication from both parties and work both individually and together.

I've been married 10 years and our relationship has gone through phases, including one similar to what you are describing (except my husband doesn't drink).

Remember the things you would do before kids, and when you were falling in love and see if you can rekindle some of that by getting a sitter and doing one of those fun activities.

Also, it's hard to find the right 'time' to talk about things, stick with your gut instinct and really listen to yourself. And if you can find a therapist, even if just for yourself at first. It helps having that extra soundboard to mull over thoughts, and an impartial listener that remembers things and can remind you of previous & current links.

Best of luck.

So I guess I have 2 questions for you OP.

1. Have you told him how unhappy/sad you REALLY are? I've found in my own relationship when I expressed how lonely I was that helped and made him take a step back and think about his actions.

2. You say he works a lot. Have you considered maybe asking him to take a Vacation? Go somewhere nice as a family. Take a break from day to day ordeals.

So sorry to hear you going through this. I went through this myself once and I know how painful it is.

Communicate!! It seems like right now you are both starting to get into a comfort zone of living separate lives. You are the mother and home maker, he is the financial provider... and you are just sort of sharing space. And the longer you do this the more you will get used to it and the harder it will be to become a unit again. I went through something very similar with my spouse. We were really just sharing space and having sex when he wanted to. I finally began to feel so abandoned and hurt that we separated. We were separated for a year,and are just now seeing if we can work on our distance issues and come together again and be IN LOVE again. It is so hard. And we are working so hard. So we will see if we can do it! Don't let it get that far. Work on it now. Talk more.. Make more time. Tell him exactly how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Just speaking from my experience, I hope I'm not out of line!