Is my marriage normal?

Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.

Like many have said before the key is to talk about it and get your feelings out in the open.
Try to start your sentences with, "I feel," so that it does not feel like he is being attacked. Ie I feel lonely most days. I feel like I need more physical and emotional attention…
Ask him if he is willing to change.

If you want a test to know if your relationship is health, try the David Burns Relationship Satisfaction Scale. It is a standard therapy tool to help gauge your relationship. I included al link to the test below but you can just google it if you don’t have word.
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=relationship satisfaction test david burns&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&ved=0CDsQFjAC&url=http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/RelationshipSatisfactionScale.doc&ei=eUzkUfexGaSXigKCiYHABQ&usg=AFQjCNHWkhv2ZSsFK_9tuK3ea8KXeGnazQ&bvm=bv.48705608,d.cGE

Sounds like you need marriage counseling. Try to look back over everything and ask yourself if you are trying to make him your everything. I know that sounds funny but he just can't be. You need interaction from real, tangible people that is meaningful. I feel like you cant expect your husband to be your "everything". You still need your own friends, your own hobbies, your own interests, and your own spiritual relationship with God. A marriage to me is about merging the two. You said, "his friends", working on "his truck". What about your friends and your hobbies. If you dont have any, find some. I would encourage you to pray for yourself and him then start getting involved in your church. Its hard, I know. Once he sees that you are enjoying life without him or regardless of the situation he may come around. Actions are louder than words and you will begin to enjoy life more. Good luck!!

When I was in my mid 20's and working in construction it was not uncommon for me to come home and pass out in my chair waiting for dinner. My wife was a stay at home mom and dinner was around 5:30pm. Sometimes she could not wake me for dinner and she and my daughter would eat alone while I slept in the living room. Later, 10-11pm I'd realize Iw as in my chair still and would go up to bed and pass out until 5:30am when I got, showered, ate and left for work again (I had a 1hr commute). My wife (now ex) slept in with the kids and never got up with me.

Was a wrong? Was she?

On the weekends I'd get up (I'm habitual) around 6am and make breakfast for the kids and then try to do things I was unable to do all week but I can't say I spent a lot of time with my wife.

In the same token many times I'd not fall asleep before dinner and would eat with them and watch TV (while passing out) with my wife at night -- I was so tired I couldn't stay away. I also lost 30lbs just from sheer physical exertion.

I think during that time she was often upset that I slept so much and felt I should pay her more attention and she never understood that her 'not being able to sleep in during the week' while I got up earlier every day, was enough of a reason for her to ignore me and sleep in on weekends.

So what is the solution? Pay attention to what the issue is and try to understand the exhaustion if it is indeed due to physical work and take every chance to make the time you share better then right now. Make an effort even if it's just getting up in the morning with him.

As for the drinking? I'm opposed to doing that to the excess and if it causes drunkenness and sleepiness then he ought to stop. It's one thing to understand when someone works hard but another entirely when they find drink more appealing then you!

Maybe try explaining that you can relate to and understand physical exhaustion but you can not and will not except drinking on the weekend as a good 'release' when you are right there and could spend quality time with him.

Something to ponder.

By the way, I got divorced from my 1st wife and am now married to someone who actually loves me and would understand if I was always tired (I'm not now because I don't work in a physical job).

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

Okay okay can I try?

"I FEEL, like you are being a major a-hole right now"

"I FEEL, like you need to get your azz off the couch right now and help out a little"

"When you do that thing with your smacking lips I FEEL like smacking you upside the head"

"I FEEL like i'm the only one in the world right now with this problem, but other's have survived it with intact marriages"

"I FEEL like I would faint if anyone tried to drag me kicking and screaming into a counseling session"






unless if there's lap sitting involved...then sign me up!

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/863857/thumbs/o-COUPLES-THERAPY-COURTNEY-DOUG-121114-facebook.jpg

Not normal - Think the best approach would be to first make some time just for the two of you - leave the kids with someone you trust and take a few days (week end?) alone- not at home- and first let him sleep so you are both well rested do something fun and relaxing - tell him you miss him, miss the fun you used to have, miss his presence, help etc..don't tell him what you expect of him, just tell him what you miss about him- we all need to feel loved and needed (not used but needed)...

Yeah, I know it's its not probably normal, but I wonder how common it is... I feel bad, he's a good guy otherwise. It just stinks cause isn't that part of the reason we get married, to not be alone and to be around someone we love? Thanks guys

This is more common than you think, i have been married for 15 years and we are very happy right now but it wasn't always that way. He used to work nights and even when he was home during the day he didn't spend much time with the kids and lets say our lives were a mess at that time. To be honest I almost ended our marriage because I had had enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and not hold anything back because if you don't you are going to have more problems. Let him know how you feel even if you have to yell, get it out don't hold it in and make your feelings known to him. I made the mistake of not saying anything when i was mad or upset and it almost ended my marriage so my best advice to you is talk, talk, talk because if he cares he will listen and hopefully it will help

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

If I had to write my husband a letter to get my point across, it would be a Dear John letter.

my husband has a physical job and he goes through cycles of doing this.

Start out small and continue slowly. I assume it hasn't always been like this, it can't change overnight either.

1. take into account how hot or cold it is - if he works outside or in a place that doesn't have heating/air conditioning, he will be REALLY tired. Maybe have an ice water/hot tea for him when he walks in the door. If he has to sit and drink it before heading to bed, he just might stay out of bed for an hour or two. But let him sit and relax for a little while. When his drink is almost empty is when you continue to the next steps.
2. ask him to do specific things that need to be done now or soon. Men are VERY literal. He just might not SEE where he can jump in and help you or play with the kids. This may take some prep from you to get him to see you NEED him to help. Ask him specifically if he can help your children build a fort out of chairs and blankets - while you're making supper and the kids are bugging you. Or ask him specifically to take out the trash because it's overflowing. It's like the old joke, where a woman walks into the house and sees a huge mess while the man walks in and asks "when did we get a brown couch?" I say ASK because you don't want to nag or boss, he'll be less likely to do it if he thinks you're ordering him around.
3. Entice him to do things WITH you by flirting, rubbing - a little tease.
4. Go out and have fun with your friends. YOU need some ME time as well. Arrange a week in advance and tell him that HE will have the kids. If he throws a fit about it, arrange for a babysitter. This again is pointing out that you NEED him to help. If you're always there and always doing everything, he doesn't have a reason to get off his *kitten*.
5. If all else fails - cry, whine, throw a fit - ANYTHING to get his attention. If he simply ignores you when you try the gentle persuasion above, resort to toddler behavior and see if you can get a reaction. Fighting is at least interaction and maybe some of what you say will sink in. Then go back to the gentle persuasion.

time to kick him to the curb, you deserve better
so tell him,