Is my marriage normal?

It may be common, common might make it seem "normal", but if your emotional needs and the emotional needs of your children aren't being met then it's not OK. I would look into counseling. I couldn't function in a marriage like that.

I found the best way to talk to my husband was to write him letters. If we tried to have a sit down discussion he would always get upset and end up yelling at me and I would never be able to fully get through the issues. So I finally figured out that I would write a letter starting with why I loved him. Then I would get to what he has been doing lately and how it made me feel. I usually tried to end it positively. When we tried talking things out he just couldn't sit through it and truly HEAR me. But when I wrote it he would read every single bit of it from beginning to end. For some reason when someone writes you a letter even when it isn't what you want to hear you will still read every bit of it. And him reading it he would be able to think about what I said and it would really get him to understand and hear me out without yelling. I usually gave it to him when I knew I would not be around so that he could read it in private.

It was how I told him how I thought he might be depressed about his work. He was eating and drinking too much. Not spending hardly anytime with us. (this was about 5 years in to our marriage)

If I had to write my husband a letter to get my point across, it would be a Dear John letter.

Yeah, if I got a letter, I'd be like, "why didn't you just tell me this?" with a confused look on my face. But, then, I'm not ignoring my family, so what do I know about it?

i used to ignore them though. Getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me. It really woke my *kitten* up. LOL. Seriously. I think she looks at me now and thinks, 'why the *kitten* didn't you do all this stuff before?' Meh, I'm a little crazy.

My hubby has dad issues so anytime I would try and just tell him what the problem was it would ALWAYS end horribly with me somehow in some way I was calling him a liar or was some how belittling him even if that was no where close to what I was trying to say. (his dad always told him he couldn't do anything right and thus if I had any issues with the goings on in our house it would turn in to him thinking I was saying things that I wasn't) He would never actually let me get the whole paragraph out. I'd get the first sentence out and he was already feeling threatened that some how I was telling him that he was some how not good enough.

But a letter he would read it and it would get through. He always took those to heart.

Besides that works for my husband and I. I won't say that it works for everyone.

Anybody suggest that this is his obligation is wrong because we dont like obligations, chores ,errands. She should be the recreation.

Being a good husband and a good father are obligations. If you don't naturally enjoy them and can't (or won't) learn to, then you are bound to fail. Wives can't be expected to provide full entertainment.

Marriage is work, it demands serious attention just like any other job. In real life things don't just effortlessly fit together and run smoothly. Just like any job, if you learn to enjoy it you will succeed and lead a happy life.

You, I like. Wives are not the recreation in a marriage, nor are husbands. Being a spouse and parent are my primary obligations. All others are secondary to that. If you can't commit to that truth, don't become either.

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

My marriage was in this exact same scenario. I actually had an affair with a friend of mine that I played softball with. My husband worked all the time, took on extra shifts, was too tired to come with me to watch me play ball, was never at any of the kids' games, blah blah blah. Things have since changed. I told my husband that if things were going to work he had to find another job. He also quit drinking completely. We are now happier and stronger than ever. Good luck.

Being a stay at home mom is lonely. Some of that will still be there even if your husband is perfect. He needs to stop being removed but you have to stop depending on him to fill all the gaps left by not being around other adults. You need a hobby or friends to hang out with and you need to give him very specific directions. ( I know you are tired but the kids have this going on Sat and I need you to attend) Men are sometimes bad at thinking of things to do with young children so they need a bit more structured playtime. Examples; Your daughter is having a tea party at 2 oclock Sat afternoon and she would like you to attend (have her make him an actual invitation). I am having my mom watch the kids from 5-10 on Sat so lets go catch a movie and get some dinner. I am packing a picnic basket for Sun afternoon so we can take the kids to the park, your son would love to play catch with you. It sucks that we have to nudge them like this but some men just don't come into fatherhood or marriage naturally.

He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does.

you also said he is on the phone or comp when he's awake. He sounds rather disconnected to me

^ this^ Is there a reason why he spends his relaxation time away from you and the kids? Just out of curiosity, how old are the kids? My ex had an affair when my kids were 6 and twin three year old boys. He just couldn't cope with the mundane side of fatherhood... screaming toddlers, supermarket trips and a tired partner. I'm not saying your man is being unfaithful... just not everyone can cope with the hurdles of family life.

Nothing normal about a guy who doesn't make time for his kids, let alone his wife. Physical job or not, he still has responsibilities as a father and husband.

perfect answer

and to add
my husband works 3rd shift manual labor 12 hr shifts up to 60 hours week , he makes time simple as that no we don't get much alone time since we have two daughters one turning 3 next month and a 16 month old , but we try atleast.

He will sacrifice sleep to spend time with us and I'm a stay at home mom too.

People get into ruts and its hard to get out , sounds like you and him need to discuss some things soon just because you are married and see him everyday doesn't mean you will always know how your husband is feeling, we are not mind readers ask him .

My husband can be very closed and times and I will not give up till he tells me what s up, may be
see if you can set some time up without the children and really be with him no talking about children just each other, seems like
there might be other things bothering him could be work life what not I know when my husband is stressed he becomes very detached he just isn't himself , he will eventually tell me and its out in the open and we can move forward.

I don't see him much but when I do its quality time its not about quanity, life doesn't always work like you want it to so you must make it work for you .

Marriages have ups and downs and if yours is strong you can go through anything and become stronger because of it..

When I upset at my husband and remember to love him a little more because that is when its most important.

My husband said no to counseling because he does not want to talk someone he doesn't know about personal maters I understand so we deal with in a way that works for us .

All my husband does is work. He works 4p-2a Mon-Thurs and I work. 8a-4p Mon-Fri. Then on weekends all he does is work outside. To him, it's not working, it's relaxing. But that's ALL he does. He does come in and play with our grandson for a while in the evenings. Then he crashes for a while, then wakes up in the night and watches tv because his sleep schedule is so different from mine. We love each other but we are just on different schedules. I am just used to it, so it doesn't bother me most of the time.

Hi, I'm new to MFP and don't know if this type of thread is allowed, but I have no friends and no one to talk to besides on here and I would like some input somewhere! I've been really focusing on my health and would like to work on me mentally also.

I'm married with kids, stay at home mom. I feel totally alone. My husband works hard at his job, I try to make him happy always. But he has no time for me and the kids. He sleeps as soon as gets home, and when he wakes up he is on his phone or the computer and I go to bed by myself. We don't talk too much and while we do the deed its not as much as either would like. I used to care about him not helping out at all with the kids but now I just want some attention! period. He sleeps weekends too, mostly cause he drinks then. I know he can't be too tired, cause if he wants to work on his truck or do something with friends, he does. He goes to the gym with me also. Are most husbands who work a physical job like this? I ask him and he just says I should try what he does all day and then see how I feel. Anyone else have this issue? Thanks.

My marriage was in this exact same scenario. I actually had an affair with a friend of mine that I played softball with. My husband worked all the time, took on extra shifts, was too tired to come with me to watch me play ball, was never at any of the kids' games, blah blah blah. Things have since changed. I told my husband that if things were going to work he had to find another job. He also quit drinking completely. We are now happier and stronger than ever. Good luck.

Does your husband know you had an affair?

Yes he does. He also understands that the his drinking played a big role in the beginning spiral of our marriage. We were facing many issues for many years before the affair happened. I had already filed for a legal separation when the affair happened. It just wasn't finalized yet.

By the way, I got divorced from my 1st wife and am now married to someone who actually loves me and would understand if I was always tired (I'm not now because I don't work in a physical job).

I just kind of wonder this. So, please don't get mad for me asking. Did you go out of your way to make time for your first wife and love her? I mean, sure, she should love you, but maybe she felt you didn't love her. It is called the "crazy cycle." When we feel someone doesn't love us enough, we don't love them like we should. It takes two. Love is selfless. This kind of stuff interests me. I am married myself.

I think so -- but then when I was serving the country in Korea she had her last affair on me (they started soon after we were married and I was in the Marine Corps but I won't get into that). Truth is some people won't help themselves and that's her. She's a classic "victim" or what I like to call "oh whoest me" syndrome.

I'm the guy who got up on weekends to make breakfast for the kids because she wanted to sleep in.
I'm the guy who always tried to include her in what he did (camping, fishing, playing darts or pool at the bar, dancing you name it) and I'm the guy who took multiple jobs because she didn't want to work in fast food or a store (I delivered pizza's while serving in the marine corps because she didn't want to work and we needed the funds).

She wanted to live in the US (she is Canadian) and wanted out of her world and I was a naive young man who thought he knew what love was (the answer to that isn't so hard when you learn it).

In the end it was the best thing for me and my life has improved greatly since (we were married 12 years and divorces in 1999).

I just found this so thank you for replying. She wasn't faithful to you so you had the right to divorce. I'm sorry she wasn't involved with you. I'm sure your wife now is. My husband and I love to do everything together. We are not "married singles" for sure. We have hard time being apart from each other. The funny thing is we had a long distance relationship for about a year before we got married. He was in the Navy in Chicago. I was in college in PA.