So you got called fat.

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Replies

  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
    I am fat have been my whole life and I totally agree with you op. I am now working to lose my weight because I choose to.

    I have great self esteem always have. When ever anyone called me fat as a teen my response was always the same , " i own a mirror, could you tell me something I don't know?". Always shut them right up with out stooping to their level. I always figured if that was the only thing they could insult me about I was doing pretty good and it said more about them than me.

    Happy weight loss everyone!

    I really think this is the best response you could possibly give! It shuts the other person up, and you haven't let their words affect you. That's the kind of thing I was trying to encourage with this post.

    For those who keep saying I should be going after those who call others fat, instead of those who get called fat, I made this lovely post for you: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1048045-don-t-call-people-fat

    Everyone wins :flowerforyou:
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    I am stilling wondering why some people are so intent on allowing other people (sometimes complete strangers) have so much influence on their feelings and actions.

    Why do you let others have so much power over you?

    This is like asking why we let water have so much power over us.

    I have a choice - I can choose to either let my feelings get hurt, or ignore the comments. Kinda like I have a choice when it comes to water - I can choose to either drown or learn to swim.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    I think I have a reasonably healthy self-esteem, but even so... I've called myself worse, thought of myself worse, than anything anyone else has ever said to me. If someone said something that bothered me, chances are, it was something I already thought about myself, and that's WHY it bothered me... it reinforced what I already believed.

    We can't control what anyone else says or does. We can only control how we react to it. And that starts with how we think about ourselves.
  • KateCon912
    KateCon912 Posts: 200 Member
    OP, I love you. I love all of your points. Keep rocking on. :)
  • rosellasweet
    rosellasweet Posts: 163 Member
    I always get called fat and ugly. Fat doesn't bother me because I can lose weight, but ugly does because I can't change that. There is plastic surgery but that just seems to make everyone uglier :p
  • Laac68
    Laac68 Posts: 55
    Here's something I've observed... the people who mostly loudly insist on not being judged for something are often the quickest to judge others... just on a different attribute that's more socially-approved to publicly beat up on.

    Hmm, what a profound observation.
  • musycnlyrics
    musycnlyrics Posts: 323 Member
    bump to sticky for later reading
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
    I know what you meant and I agree. Why do we willingly give people that kind of power over us?

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt
    ^So much this^ - One of my fave quotes.

    <--- ermm.. me too :D

    We can't choose other people's thoughts, actions or words but we CAN choose our reaction to them. Those who chose to be offended by others words will never allow themselves to be happy because they will always find a way to remain offended and feel justified to fight back - sometimes physically - instead of just ignoring it or accepting it and moving on.

    If you are fat then you're fat... no amount of arguing and offence is going to change the fact that you are fat. Because someone points it out in a non-politically correct way also won't change it.
  • LMick1986
    LMick1986 Posts: 431
    Overall, I agree. The thing that gets me about it is it can become exhausting to continue to not let things affect you. For example, I dated a man that was 6'8". EVERY SINGLE place we went in public, someone would point out how tall he was. Yes, it's just a fact. I couldn't understand for the longest time why he would get so upset about it. Not like it was in a negative context....but then I finally got it. After so long of people feeling they NEED to point out something, it becomes draining. Even after months of this, I got tired of hearing it.....and it was never directed at me. There isn't a need for people to point things out. People don't need to say "You're fat"......but they still do it. And fat people get it ALL the time. No it shouldn't affect them if it's just a descriptive word, but at the same time, stop pointing it out, people! Nobody walks around and tells me daily that I'm such an average height and weight.....it's just when someone isn't in the norm.....which if you think about it, is very well the thing they are self-conscious about.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
    I know what you meant and I agree. Why do we willingly give people that kind of power over us?

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt
    ^So much this^ - One of my fave quotes.

    <--- ermm.. me too :D

    We can't choose other people's thoughts, actions or words but we CAN choose our reaction to them. Those who chose to be offended by others words will never allow themselves to be happy because they will always find a way to remain offended and feel justified to fight back - sometimes physically - instead of just ignoring it or accepting it and moving on.

    If you are fat then you're fat... no amount of arguing and offence is going to change the fact that you are fat. Because someone points it out in a non-politically correct way also won't change it.

    Agree.

    And besides, there's always someone who will be upset with any term that references weight. Some are upset with 'fat'. Some are not OK with 'fat' but are OK with 'obese', since it's a medical term. Others only accept 'obese' if used by a doctor in an appropriate setting. Others are offended by even that.

    Basically, it's all down to how sensitive you allow yourself to be. The OP recommends not allowing yourself to be so sensitive to the simple use of the word 'fat' - she does not say it's OK to mock or insult anyone.

    Oh, and for the people who believe that you have to be or have been fat in order to understand what it feels like ... bull****. All it takes is for the person to have been mocked and teased and hated and to have felt terrible about it and to have hated that aspect of themselves. That's probably a good percentage of people at some point in their lives. Don't be thinking 'fat' is any worse than 'stupid', 'ugly', 'blind', 'ignorant', 'slob', etc in that regard. As this board is so fond of saying, "Ya'll ain't no special snowflakes".
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Great post. I couldn't give any effs if someone calls me fat. It is true, I am aware, I am working on it, and I still rock.
  • tjthegreatone
    tjthegreatone Posts: 324
    I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

    'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

    Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

    Can I co-sign everything you said Pcastagner?
  • technobunny
    technobunny Posts: 131
    I think being called fat (or any name for that matter) is insulting because of the negative connotations it may bring. Being fat implies you may be lazy, unhygienic, unhealthy, and possibly diseased (diabetes, heart problems, etc) and would probably require a lot of maintenance in a relationship, thus making you unattractive. Not to say that people are not attracted to heavier men and women, but I'm just putting it out there as to why people (including myself) have been hurt by being called fat. Someone is not just pointing out the fact that you have more fat on your body, it implies other things.

    Just like if you are called a slut, it would (to me) imply that I am untrustworthy, irresponsible and possibly diseased & contagious. Not saying that someone can't be careful promiscuously, but those implications are there and therefore hurtful. They are all negative qualities that I'm sure no one wants to think themselves as or be associated with.

    Then again if you are all those things, and don't give a *kitten* what people think of you, it would fall under a factual statement and you could still carry on.

    edited: for ehrmahgerd derps
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
    Pointing out where I feel OP's saying "If you're fat, it's fact. Accept it and move on.": (emphasis mine)
    Now you might say, "well, you can't understand. You're not fat. You don't know how much it hurts." True, I might not be fat. But I've been called some names in my time. And you know what I do when I get called names? I ask myself if it's accurate. And if it is, I don't get upset about it. Even if it was intended to be hurtful, I don't let it hurt me. Why should I? +++ It's just a fact. Facts are not insults. Facts are just... facts. +++

    and
    Stop letting the word "fat" hurt you. Yes, you are fat. Okay. Big whoop.

    I understand not giving words power to hurt, but some do to some people and you can't change that. I don't tell LGBT folks to get over being called f@gs, or PoC being called n*ggers because they're facts, big whoop.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

    'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

    Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

    Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Great post. I couldn't give any effs if someone calls me fat. It is true, I am aware, I am working on it, and I still rock.

    You do ROCK!
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    Overall, I agree. The thing that gets me about it is it can become exhausting to continue to not let things affect you. For example, I dated a man that was 6'8". EVERY SINGLE place we went in public, someone would point out how tall he was. Yes, it's just a fact. I couldn't understand for the longest time why he would get so upset about it. Not like it was in a negative context....but then I finally got it. After so long of people feeling they NEED to point out something, it becomes draining. Even after months of this, I got tired of hearing it.....and it was never directed at me. There isn't a need for people to point things out. People don't need to say "You're fat"......but they still do it. And fat people get it ALL the time. No it shouldn't affect them if it's just a descriptive word, but at the same time, stop pointing it out, people! Nobody walks around and tells me daily that I'm such an average height and weight.....it's just when someone isn't in the norm.....which if you think about it, is very well the thing they are self-conscious about.

    This is a brilliant post.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
    Pointing out where I feel OP's saying "If you're fat, it's fact. Accept it and move on.": (emphasis mine)
    Stop letting the word "fat" hurt you. Yes, you are fat. Okay. Big whoop.

    I understand not giving words power to hurt, but some do to some people and you can't change that. I don't tell LGBT folks to get over being called f@gs, or PoC being called n*ggers because they're facts, big whoop.

    First of all, you quoted that part completely out of context. Right after that part of the post, I went on to list a bunch of positive things about the potential person. What I was getting at was that who cares if you have one "negative" thing about you - in this case your weight - you're still wonderful. Of course if you take it out of context it sounds bad.

    The metaphor you made is not applicable. The "f" word and "n" word are horrible, derogatory terms. "Fat" is not. That's my opinion. Now if you called someone a whale, or called them disgusting, or called them "piggy" or whatever - that's totally different. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the word FAT. That's all.

    Calling a black person a black person is totally different then calling a black person the "n" word. Calling a fat person a fat person is totally different then saying "oink oink, lose some weight."
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member

    Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

    You didn't answer the question. Whether it's sturdy, as yours is, or not -- what gives others the right to go around crushing it?
  • pcastagner
    pcastagner Posts: 1,606 Member

    Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.



    I want to live in a compassionate society that cares about everyone, not just the strong.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
    Here, I just thought of a better example.

    Say you have a friend who was describing you to someone else. You overhear them. Let's say they say, "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually." You probably wouldn't be upset at all.

    But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

    My point is that in circumstances like this, "fat" is not an insult and we shouldn't give it the power to be one. Being fat does not mean you are lazy, or gross, or any of the other things people like to associate "fat" with. It just means you physically have a lot of fat. I know not everyone sees it that way, and that's fine. I just wish more people would, because there would be less hurt feelings in the world.

    Does that make sense?
  • pcastagner
    pcastagner Posts: 1,606 Member
    Pointing out where I feel OP's saying "If you're fat, it's fact. Accept it and move on.": (emphasis mine)
    Stop letting the word "fat" hurt you. Yes, you are fat. Okay. Big whoop.

    I understand not giving words power to hurt, but some do to some people and you can't change that. I don't tell LGBT folks to get over being called f@gs, or PoC being called n*ggers because they're facts, big whoop.

    First of all, you quoted that part completely out of context. Right after that part of the post, I went on to list a bunch of positive things about the potential person. What I was getting at was that who cares if you have one "negative" thing about you - in this case your weight - you're still wonderful. Of course if you take it out of context it sounds bad.

    The metaphor you made is not applicable. The "f" word and "n" word are horrible, derogatory terms. "Fat" is not. That's my opinion. Now if you called someone a whale, or called them disgusting, or called them "piggy" or whatever - that's totally different. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the word FAT. That's all.

    Calling a black person a black person is totally different then calling a black person the "n" word. Calling a fat person a fat person is totally different then saying "oink oink, lose some weight."

    in my humble opinion, once you have gone down the road of needing to argue why what you said is not, in fact, offensive, you have probably said something that is, in fact, offensive.

    How can you, on the one hand, be on MFP, and on the other hand, deny the importance to human beings of body composition and how others perceive it? Look at all the traffic here. Would so many people be here counting calories if how you look were not somehow relevant to how happy they are?

    Being called fat cuts deep for some. For others, something else might cut them deep. Everyone's got something. That's why it's best to encourage each other to be thoughtful and careful about the words we use.
  • operation_cute
    operation_cute Posts: 588 Member
    I call my self fat lol my boyfriend always responds "you are not!" lol but the fact is I am, when I say it I'm not feeling bad about myself, I'm just at a point of realization that, that's what I am right now. If I didn't know that I wouldn't be here trying to fix it :) I've never been called fat by anyone else (other than my kids goofing around) but I have gotten judgemental looks, implied my appearance isn't as wonderful as someone else's because of my weight, (told I was a 3 on a scale of 1-10 and that I know why) <
    thats one of my biggest motivations now though, that and being yummy eye candy for the man who tells me all the time I'm NOT fat :heart: lol And even though I Know I'm fat, and even though I know I'm not as hot as I used to be (but for being a bigger girl I'm kinda cute in my opinion :wink: ) It still hurts when people look at me judgeing eyes, and manage to call me fat without actually using the word fat. Honestly though, actually being called fat would be easier to handle, because that, yes, is just a noun :heart:
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member

    Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

    You didn't answer the question. Whether it's sturdy, as yours is, or not -- what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    NOTHING gives them that right. But when you realize that someone who just goes around randomly and/or purposefully insulting people isn't worth any amount of anguish, it stops crushing you.

    Edited to add: And while nothing gives them that right, nothing is going to stop mean people from being mean. No matter how much you weigh or what you look like, someone, somewhere will find something negative to say about you.

    Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.
  • operation_cute
    operation_cute Posts: 588 Member

    Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

    You didn't answer the question. Whether it's sturdy, as yours is, or not -- what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

    NOTHING gives them that right. But when you realize that someone who just goes around randomly and/or purposefully insulting people isn't worth any amount of anguish, it stops crushing you.

    :heart:
  • pcastagner
    pcastagner Posts: 1,606 Member


    Edited to add: And while nothing gives them that right, nothing is going to stop mean people from being mean. No matter how much you weigh or what you look like, someone, somewhere will find something negative to say about you.

    Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

    it's not one or the other, and actually, social pressure DOES stop mean people from being mean. When you take some of the social pressure away (for instance when people interact on a forum like this one and can't see the people with whom they are interacting), people get meaner.
  • deeohcee
    deeohcee Posts: 15 Member
    That's exactly right. I grew up in a culture where fat is the compliment and skinny was a huge insult (clearly I didn't grow up here in America lol). However, it would be foolish of the women who have always been proud of their bodies where I grew up to come here and suddenly feel insulted by the same thing they loved to hear in the past. Wouldn't it? Or the skinny here moving there and suddenly hating themselves or however you flip it. The point is, don't let someone else decide whether you should be happy or not about what you are. Some people do it because they know it hurts those they target. The best defense is to not let it hurt. It's easier said that done, I'm sure, but it's good advice.
  • tequilasunris3
    tequilasunris3 Posts: 197
    But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

    Although you say that your post wasn't in retaliation my post, you read mine, and then you posted yours.
    If my friend described me as or told me I was "short, short brown hair, freckly, a bit fat" which is what I am, then I would not, repeat, would not bat an eyelid. However In my post I explained that my "friend" called me fat with intention of offending me infront of a group of people in a public place and lots of people laughed. I AM overweight, but I'd rather not be picked out and told I am fat infront of a load of people. It's personal, humiliating and yes it is offensive.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
    But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

    Although you say that your post wasn't in retaliation my post, you read mine, and then you posted yours.
    If my friend described me as or told me I was "short, short brown hair, freckly, a bit fat" which is what I am, then I would not, repeat, would not bat an eyelid. However In my post I explained that my "friend" called me fat with intention of offending me infront of a group of people in a public place and lots of people laughed. I AM overweight, but I'd rather not be picked out and told I am fat infront of a load of people. It's personal, humiliating and yes it is offensive.

    I completely understood the situation in your post, and I assure you, again assure you, that this post was not in reference to that. I have been wanting to make a similar post to this for a while, and just found the time to write it out last night. Please do not take it personally. I can completely understand why you were upset about what happened to you. I'm sorry the timing of my post made it look like it was in reference to yours. I promise you that it wasn't.

    If you wouldn't bat an eyelid if your friend described you as fat, that's awesome. Many people would, though, and many people do. I would never describe a friend as "fat" for that very reason. But when you really think about it, it seems silly that that's offensive, you know?
  • morkiemama
    morkiemama Posts: 894 Member
    Thank you for posting this. I don't get called fat really (I am blessed with the ability to carry my weight well), but I find this really empowering in general. It is a great way to look at things. <3

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