"Your a fat b****!".....
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure there are no words to be said that could make you feel better. Those were the exact words that my dad said to my mom to end their marriage.
My husband's brother is going through something similar with his wife. She took off a few weeks ago and left him with the kids and said she was never coming back.
Lean on your family and friends for support. And like other's have already said contact any bank or credit cards that you both have.0 -
That is truly horrible, I'm sorry to hear that. There's a couple of people on here who have said he probably can't handle you losing weight, I have to say that was my initial thought too. Some blokes don't like the idea of their partners losing weight/ changing their appearance - it makes them insecure because before, in their head while you are bigger and perhaps feeling less confident you are unlikely to look elsewhere. It's a weird little safety net for them. When you are feeling good about yourself, you draw in admirers/ attention as people notice the confidence. If this is the case and he has left for this reason because of insecurity/ jealousy then you are definitely better off without him - your partner should love and support you and feel proud of you. If you are happy, he should be happy too. I may be completely wrong so please take this with a pinch of salt, I'm just adding my thoughts. Either way, for whatever reason, if he's bolted without even having the decency or respect to sit down and have an adult chat with you, have a good cry if you need to and then don't waste any more tears over him. Hold your head up, seek legal advice to make sure you and your kids are sorted and then just keep moving forward. Don't let this knock you down.0
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Funny, you don't strike me as a fat b****. You do strike me as someone who is trying to better herself and lead a healthy life for her children.
I like that.
Some men are put off by strong women. Not your fault.
This is day two of what feels like a nightmare. If you play your cards right, you will find yourself looking back at July 24th as Independence Day.
I'm not a big fan of divorce. (I had one myself. He, too, enjoyed demeaning me about my appearance. And he was intimidated by my smarts, successes at work, etc. He used another filthy word besides b****, though....)
So, though I'm not a big fan of divorce, he abandoned you and your children. While you might feel tired and sick, you need to go into Survival Mode to protect your assets and your kids.
If you don't move now, you'll regret it. Trust me, if he does have someone else, they're in his ear about what to do next. And, while I hope for your health's sake he wasn't cheating on you, you mentioned that you're together all the time and that he couldn't be cheating...unless he is unemployed and you're together literally every single second, people will find all kinds of ways to cheat in very limited time. Just ask former Congressman Wiener's wife. (Silly, silly girl...)
I am wishing you health, luck and strength. The sooner you seek legal counsel, the better. And talking to a professional to help you handle the stress isn't a bad idea either.
p.s. It will get better, I promise.0 -
This is a terrible situation... but you already had a gut feeling he was talking to someone else. You're probably right. If he can't remain faithful 100% to you, then you don't need him. Even if he does come back.. would you ever be able to really trust him again? A relationship without trust goes absolutely nowhere.
Like others have said... since he left you with all the bills... go to the bank ASAP and get all the money out of the joint account y'all have. I know it'll be hard to not stress about financial situations that may arise, (and usually I don't say this... but in this case I know it wouldn't be abuse of the programs) but if you're a single parent to your 7 kids... that's what state programs are for. To make sure they are taken care of.
It'll be tough to handle and you're probably going through a rollercoaster of emotions. It's normal.
But pick your head up princess, your tiara is falling :flowerforyou:0 -
He very well could be cheating. Just saying. My husband and I were never apart either except when he was at work and you know what? He had someone at work.0
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Move your money NOW!!!
Change the locks, if you can't change them, install new ones on top of what you have. (I had to do that because I was a renter and the landlord refused to change the locks for me. So I put in a second deadbolt and chains) If there are other ways to get into your house (windows that don't lock, sliding door without something to put in the track to keep it from sliding, get those in order right away)
Can you tell this happened to me? My ex kept breaking in and taking things. When I would walk in the door from work, something else would be missing. He even took the house phone so I had no way to call anyone (this was way before cell phones were so common that everyone had one).
If you are certain there will be no reconciliation, find a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You will need to know the address of where is staying, so you may need to do some detective work on your own. If you don't have a lot of money for a lawyer, google sliding scale lawyers for your state.0 -
Oh wow, so are you legally married? Is it time to find a lawyer? Make sure he knows he's not getting out of his responsibility with the kids. I hope you can seek some kind of child support ASAP!
Oh and whose name are the bills under?0 -
Move your money NOW!!!
Change the locks, if you can't change them, install new ones on top of what you have. (I had to do that because I was a renter and the landlord refused to change the locks for me. So I put in a second deadbolt and chains) If there are other ways to get into your house (windows that don't lock, sliding door without something to put in the track to keep it from sliding, get those in order right away)
Can you tell this happened to me? My ex kept breaking in and taking things. When I would walk in the door from work, something else would be missing. He even took the house phone so I had no way to call anyone (this was way before cell phones were so common that everyone had one).
If you are certain there will be no reconciliation, find a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You will need to know the address of where is staying, so you may need to do some detective work on your own. If you don't have a lot of money for a lawyer, google sliding scale lawyers for your state.
My Dad did this to us he took the refrigerator!! Of course it sat in my Grandma's garage for 5 years afterwards, but he literally took the food from the house out of spite I guess. I remember living out of coolers for months.0 -
Oh I see you are from Tucson. I have a friend who lives there that went through a messy divorce, and she always told me that the law is on your side if you are a Woman with children in AZ. Not sure if that's true, but she got full custody of the children, alimony, and pretty good child support.0
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Divorce on the grounds of abandonment. You will win. You and your children are the priority. Please keep us posted on how you are. :flowerforyou:0
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I couldn't sleep well last night. And when I did sleep and woke up I would look for him next to me, hoping I had just been dreaming. I feel like crap but have held myself back from calling him again. All of the advice here has been awesome! As far as bank accounts, there is nothing in them right now. I mentioned we were always together because we both owned a tile business which is very slow right now ( no work) He left all his tools. My husband and my son did all of the jobs together, but my son isn't trained enough to do the jobs on his own yet. I'm going to hire someone who knows how to install tile and keep advertising for work. I am going to wait for divorce until I have some more money saved up. The kids are really sad. I spoke to them last night and most of them understand. It's funny how all of this time I have been trying to hide the problems between us and the children still knew. My daughter said "Well at least you won't be fighting anymore and be sad all the time" Was I sad before? Wow, I guess I was. A part of me is relieved I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, trying to please him and keep him comfortable. His indifference had me feeling like I wanted to choke him into caring about something. Hindsight kept me up most of the night. Signs that I didn't even notice until I started to go through everything that has been said and everything I remember him doing that at the time I thought was odd, and now I say "Oh yeah, it all fits into some kind of a pattern." I still love him despite what he's done, but I have lost the last drop of respect I had for him. He was a good dad with a great relationship with all the kids, even though he was an a-hole towards me. His complete disrespect for them yesterday has me pissed off. Why? Well only he knows. I hope whatever he traded his family for was worth it though, because he lost us forever. He truly sold his soul to the devil.0
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I couldn't sleep well last night. And when I did sleep and woke up I would look for him next to me, hoping I had just been dreaming. I feel like crap but have held myself back from calling him again. All of the advice here has been awesome! As far as bank accounts, there is nothing in them right now. I mentioned we were always together because we both owned a tile business which is very slow right now ( no work) He left all his tools. My husband and my son did all of the jobs together, but my son isn't trained enough to do the jobs on his own yet. I'm going to hire someone who knows how to install tile and keep advertising for work. I am going to wait for divorce until I have some more money saved up. The kids are really sad. I spoke to them last night and most of them understand. It's funny how all of this time I have been trying to hide the problems between us and the children still knew. My daughter said "Well at least you won't be fighting anymore and be sad all the time" Was I sad before? Wow, I guess I was. A part of me is relieved I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, trying to please him and keep him comfortable. His indifference had me feeling like I wanted to choke him into caring about something. Hindsight kept me up most of the night. Signs that I didn't even notice until I started to go through everything that has been said and everything I remember him doing that at the time I thought was odd, and now I say "Oh yeah, it all fits into some kind of a pattern." I still love him despite what he's done, but I have lost the last drop of respect I had for him. He was a good dad with a great relationship with all the kids, even though he was an a-hole towards me. His complete disrespect for them yesterday has me pissed off. Why? Well only he knows. I hope whatever he traded his family for was worth it though, because he lost us forever. He truly sold his soul to the devil.
I'm glad the kids are ok and somewhat understand what is going on. Everyone gave great advice. I've been through nasty break ups, but never a divorce, and I have no kids... Even thought there is no money in the accounts, have the name changed on the accounts so he doesn't have access to them anymore. Your other option is to sell the business if you need to, but if the business is in both your names, that may be tough. You are doing so much better than I would be right now... But you're in survival mode for you and your children. I don't know the laws in AZ, but something tells me because he left you high and dry with 7 children, the law is going to be your friend in this case. Pawn his stuff, sell it, donate it - just get it out of the house so you can move past it. see if there are programs in your area for single moms, food stamps, reduced income housing even if need be.
You're a strong woman, I can tell. You'll be alright :flowerforyou:0 -
Step 1. Go to church, or a friend or family's house. You need to have the emotion of this and it's best not to do it alone. Also, churches usually have meal programs if your situation calls for it.
Step 2. Talk to a lawyer. Even though you don't wan't a divorce until you have more money, depending on your state the debts and assets are usually split. Also, child support payments need to be arranged. Go talk to someone so you understand your situation and options.
Step 3. Speak to a social worker. They usually have the best information on food stamps and other income based programs.0 -
Sounds like he did you a favor.
You and your kids don't need that kind of energy in your life.
^THIS^0 -
sorry to hear that. he is probably jealous of you and if your getting attention also, that might bother him. dont let him get to you and your goals. keep your head up and stay focused. everything happens for a reason. best wishes in everything. :flowerforyou:0
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I'm sorry that you going through this and I don't know your situation but if my DH told me that I would be at the bank first thing in the morning to empty any and all accounts and second on my list would be to change the locks so he couldn't come back and remove things from the house.
You are in a no win situation, protect yourself and your children from as much damage as you can.
this0 -
CHILD SUPPORT
SPOUSAL SUPPORT
take him for it all.....0 -
I am so sorry. This happened to me in a very similar situation. I know you are feeling really bad right now, but you need to get an attorney and make sure he helps you with some of those bills and pays you for the kids. It's not getting back at him, its for your kids and your future. Just remember, this will get better and you will realize later that he just wasn't a good person. This is not your fault.0
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What a coward. Probably couldn't stand that you were making changes for yourself. As long as you were doing nothing he probably thought he could control you.
What a loser.
Get a lawyer immediately and hit him hard for child support. Don't let him get away with his asstard behavior.0 -
I am so sorry to hear this, if you need someone to talk to, message me anytime!0
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im rarely speechless. Wow0
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this is unreal.
hes a spineless weakling, and in nothing else, YOU will walk away from this stronger.
theres some good advice in here.
when he comes crawling back after he realizes what a huge blunder he's made, you will hold all the cards and i truly hope you play them well. be strong.0 -
Ouch! I'm sorry hon. The situation sucks but in the long run you and the kids will be better off. My heart hurts for you and the kids being abounded . You are beautiful and will get through this being stronger. Karma is a you know what. He will get what he deserves.0
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I'm so so sorry for what you're going through:( How terrible.
Just my quick two cents: Get legal counsel now... before he does. With their permission (make sure it's all legal), Move money into accounts that are only in your name. He left. Change the locks. He left.0 -
The advice and the offers of support on this thread has restored a little bit of my faith in humanity.
OP, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and this may hurt a lot now but in the long run, you'll be alright. :flowerforyou:0 -
Going through a bad breakup myself. Be glad he showed his true colors before he wasted any more years of your life. Let yourself grieve for a bit, CHANGE THE LOCKS and don't let that jerk back in. Your life will be more peaceful now. I'm hoping both of ours will.
If you want to message me we can trade evil ex stories
Also get your own bank account, credit cards, etc.0 -
I had this happen to me last spring (2011) it was devastating at the time but he did me such a huge favor.
I was lucky in that I didn't have any children with him, so my daughter (from a previous relationship) my dog and I packed up and left.
I haven't looked back.
move forward, always put one foot ahead of you everyday, even if you don't do anything physical (change locks, change names, etc) move forward mentally and emotionally.
be strong during the day and save the weak moments for yourself....let the kids see how a real momma bear handles her business. Let the older ones help, they WANT to.
don't look back, just move forward.0 -
Everyone has pretty good info so I won't repeat it - However I will advise you to check your bank accounts and start up a separate account with your name ONLY and transfer the money asap. I have seen MANY friends with men who left them and wiped out the accounts. You need to be able to support your kids.0
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and hugs 0 -
I had a friend whose husband did something similar...acting all mysterious and distant and then just up and left one day to move in with some 18 year old who he'd been secretly seeing (he was in his 30's). He said some really hurtful things to my friend as he left - how she was fat and ugly and he wasn't attracted to her, how hot his new girlfriend was, etc. He was justifying his own bad behavior of course. In this case the new girlfriend didn't work out and a couple of months later he came begging for forgiveness and wanting my friend to take him back. I couldn't believe it when she actually did take him back.
Another friend also had a husband who did it - he suddenly became very interested in improving his appearance, new clothes, tanning, expensive haircuts...all signs of an affair or at least testing his viability in the dating pool. He announced one day that he was leaving and wanted a divorce. That morning he'd transferred most of their money over to a private bank account and cashed out all the credit cards (that were in her name) to the tune of about $20k. When she found out she called his mother who was so horrified at her son's behavior that she sent my friend all the money out of her own pocket. Anyhoo, he also came back after a few months and begged for forgiveness and reconciliation. She divorced his *kitten*.
Someday you'll look back on this and realize that having this man out of your life is for the best. I doubt that it was because he was feeling insecure about your weight loss...I assume he had an affair, maybe not physical since you said you're always with him, but people have some pretty intense "relationships" without ever meeting (see Catfish). There's also a good chance that he'll be back so you might want to mentally prepare yourself for how you'll react.0
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