Why are people so mean
ProudMammaTo3
Posts: 17
I'm kind of new to this site and looking for friends who don't judge. I was always the "fat kid" up until high school all my weight somehow disappeared. I gained a TON of weight when I had kids, but always got back down to what I was at, around 130/135. I wasn't by anymeans thin or in shape, but lately I've started and made a major change.
However, I have no support (other than my hubby) in my life. All my friends and family are not into fitness and health and nutrition like I am now. They all are overweight, not by a ton, but they are. I've really booked my butt into gear and dropped 15 lbs and about 9 inches.I feel great about myself for the first time ever in my life! Ive always suffered from low self esteem and it feels good to have confidence for once. I'm not quite where I want to be, but so close and actually happy with my body for the first time. My friends and family haven't said anythng complimentary to me, which as much as you say you don't need anyone but yourself to feel good...I mean it still hurts. It seems like ever since I lost the weight, I'm losing my friends at the same time. I'm not cocky about it by anymeans! And i don't brag!! Even my family has kind of shut me out of get togethers. Telling me they didn't invite me because I'm a vegetarian now! Which I am partially but not strict about it by anymeans! But still I can't even just come to the party!? My friends even went clothes shopping the other day and didn't invite me. Then they went out for dinner together a couple nights ago and said they didn't invite me because they didn't think I would eat anything! Like wth!
Why when I'm finally feeling so good about myself for the first time, are my friends and family making me feel alone and terrible.
I just thank god I have my husband. He's on this journey with me and so supportive. Just sucks I'm losing all my friends and family in the process
However, I have no support (other than my hubby) in my life. All my friends and family are not into fitness and health and nutrition like I am now. They all are overweight, not by a ton, but they are. I've really booked my butt into gear and dropped 15 lbs and about 9 inches.I feel great about myself for the first time ever in my life! Ive always suffered from low self esteem and it feels good to have confidence for once. I'm not quite where I want to be, but so close and actually happy with my body for the first time. My friends and family haven't said anythng complimentary to me, which as much as you say you don't need anyone but yourself to feel good...I mean it still hurts. It seems like ever since I lost the weight, I'm losing my friends at the same time. I'm not cocky about it by anymeans! And i don't brag!! Even my family has kind of shut me out of get togethers. Telling me they didn't invite me because I'm a vegetarian now! Which I am partially but not strict about it by anymeans! But still I can't even just come to the party!? My friends even went clothes shopping the other day and didn't invite me. Then they went out for dinner together a couple nights ago and said they didn't invite me because they didn't think I would eat anything! Like wth!
Why when I'm finally feeling so good about myself for the first time, are my friends and family making me feel alone and terrible.
I just thank god I have my husband. He's on this journey with me and so supportive. Just sucks I'm losing all my friends and family in the process
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Replies
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Certainly there has to be some jealousy and insecurity involved. How your friends are treating you in particular is inexcusable. I know it's been said a million times, but friends who consistently act like that might not be true friends. I had a therapist say, "Some friendships have a shelf life." I was ill at the time and many of my friends couldn't take it. They were critical and disappointed with me. And I was trying so hard to get better. They were scared of the change in me, I think, and though it's a different change than you are going through, some friends can't weather it.
I don't want to imply you should cut them out (though you might have to). But it might be worth it to have a gentle conversation where you explain you feel hurt and confused by the response to your weight loss/new healthy lifestyle. Maybe they don't realize they are being insensitive. It's worth a talk.
I find family much harder to deal with in this regard, so I'll allow someone else to give some good advice there.
Feel proud about all you've accomplished and be your own best friend.0 -
good for you for losing the weight and getting on the healthy road.
sometimes we outgrow our friends. sounds like that may have happened. I would start looking for different friends who share your new lifestyle. doesn't mean you have to cut out your 'old' friends, but people who are into healthy eating/exercise will be more supportive of you efforts.
as for your family - wow, that is hurtful. is there anyone you can talk to? a sister/aunt/grandparent?0 -
Yeah they are probably jealous that you have such a willpower to do something, to change your lifestyle. And thats deep inside and they might even think of that and on the outside they make up these strange excuses.
I had that when I had a baby. Most of my friends disappeared pretty quick and when I asked why they are not inviting me to their parties or such, same excuses - you don't drink alcohol or you wouldn't come anyway. It was painful but I decided to leave it. Now we've moved to another country and I'm trying to make new friends.
But you did a great job there!!! Well done! I know with kid it's hard to find time and energy. And when it's more than one... wow!0 -
Your friends: Stop whining and get new ones.
Your family: Stop whining, accept that your purpose in life (or theirs) is to make you (or them) happy. Find your own happiness with your children and husband.0 -
Has it been a whole 6 hours since the last "why are people so mean?!" thread?
Because people suck.0 -
Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.
Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.
And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.0 -
"I'm a nutrition obsessed mom of three," says your profile.
How do your friends know you are a vegetarian? Because you told them.
Why do your friends think you won't eat x or y with them? Most likely because of your vociferous choices.
When we talk about food, often we sound judgemental to others. Deal with the results or tone it down.0 -
I'm kind of new to this site and looking for friends who don't judge. I was always the "fat kid" up until high school all my weight somehow disappeared. I gained a TON of weight when I had kids, but always got back down to what I was at, around 130/135. I wasn't by anymeans thin or in shape, but lately I've started and made a major change.
However, I have no support (other than my hubby) in my life. All my friends and family are not into fitness and health and nutrition like I am now. They all are overweight, not by a ton, but they are. I've really booked my butt into gear and dropped 15 lbs and about 9 inches.I feel great about myself for the first time ever in my life! Ive always suffered from low self esteem and it feels good to have confidence for once. I'm not quite where I want to be, but so close and actually happy with my body for the first time. My friends and family haven't said anythng complimentary to me, which as much as you say you don't need anyone but yourself to feel good...I mean it still hurts. It seems like ever since I lost the weight, I'm losing my friends at the same time. I'm not cocky about it by anymeans! And i don't brag!! Even my family has kind of shut me out of get togethers. Telling me they didn't invite me because I'm a vegetarian now! Which I am partially but not strict about it by anymeans! But still I can't even just come to the party!? My friends even went clothes shopping the other day and didn't invite me. Then they went out for dinner together a couple nights ago and said they didn't invite me because they didn't think I would eat anything! Like wth!
Why when I'm finally feeling so good about myself for the first time, are my friends and family making me feel alone and terrible.
I just thank god I have my husband. He's on this journey with me and so supportive. Just sucks I'm losing all my friends and family in the process
People like to resort instantly to, "They're jealous." Can this happen? Yes. Do most people operate completely and utterly over supposed sudden feelings of jealousy and inferiority to others? No. It's ridiculous for people to keep thinking that... so that's my take on responses you've already gotten.
It definitely sucks that you're feeling like this, but as human behavior and interaction is often much more complicated and nuanced than we think, I would ask first: have you told people this? The "We didn't invite you because you're vegetarian" could very well stem from people not wanting to make you uncomfortable if they're not serving anything veggie-friendly, or feel awkward asking you to bring your own food (as many vegetarians and vegans often end up doing--bringing their own dish).
On the flip side, you're not bragging... but are you extremely vocal about your new vegetarianism? That can make people incredibly uncomfortable, if every time you're around a debate arises over food. It's possible that your major lifestyle change--dropping meat--is why people are unsure of how to handle you if it becomes an issue whenever you're around. Not your weight loss, but your words.
If you are very silent and non-argumentative about how you eat, it's very possible these events fall into the first point I made: people don't want to offend you/hurt you, and maybe you just need to let people know. People are not mind-readers.0 -
They are probably jealous.
BUT, I have to ask the question. Do you constantly talk about your diet and weight loss? For example, if you go out to dinner do you comment on everything on the menu, on what people are ordering, etc.? Sometimes in our excitement about weight loss, which is totally justified, we tend to go a little overboard on the conversation and it can be off putting to people who don't want to think about it.
I'm not saying you're wrong, it's just something to think about.0 -
A bunch of alcoholics don't want to party with the tea-totaller.
It's just how it goes.
You can't do much about it. Don't let their negativity get you down. You've got your hubby on side. That's a huge thing. Some people here don't even have that!!
Get involved in some fitness club, running club, cycling club, group classes or whichever, and you'll make new friend with whom you might have more in common lifestyle-wise... You know you win some, you lose some. :flowerforyou:0 -
Believe me, I'm far from vocal. The only people I preach to nutrition are my husband and my kids. Granted I've gained confidence, I'mFAR from thinking im some hot stuff. And like I said I am NOT a strict vegetarian by anymeans. Maybe it is me....its just hard to believe that. Maybe if a complete stranger met me I could understand why someone may assume I'm cocky,(not because I am but because some people are just crappy like that) but my good friends and family thinking that about me, I could never imagine. Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?0
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When I converted to Christianity, I lost many friends and even family connections. Some of it has to do with how people identify us. If our identify changes, it is sometimes hard for people to see and treat us the same way.
Hope things improve for you!0 -
Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?
Why does it matter? Let them be who they want to be. You be who you want to be.
This sentence comes off as a little judgmental and it does make me wonder if you are coming across as a little "holier than thou" to your friends and family. I think you should have a conversation with them just to be sure everyone is on the same page about how things are being perceived. It's probably a combination of you being a little judgey and them being overly sensitive. I imagine a sit down will straighten things right out. :-)0 -
Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?
That is personal to them, its not for you or anyone else to question or to judge.
Maybe your coming across to THEM as very judgmental and opinionated. YOU personally will not notice how you are sounding to them...
I dont mean that as a personal attack, but when someone is 'into' something or passionate about something, they tend to block out everyone else so that they can hear themselves talk, maybe your friends are feeling that from you?
What your friends said about you not eating anything... Have you been out with them alot during your transformation?
Did you complain about or pick at the menu options, frequently remark how you will have to 'work out extra for this' or comment on the fat/calorie content of certain meals. Did you comment on anything they had?
Maybe thats why they feel uncomfortable going out for a meal with you.
Maybe your comments of your familys being overweight has made them not want to be around you, if you have voiced to them or to others about them needing to lose a few, i personally cant fault them.
As someone has mentioned kids are great about repeating, and they also repeat out of context, so if you have been having sly words to your hubby about a friends/family members weight an a child has overheard, they can then go on an say it to someone else, they dont always understand the words are hurtful.
Also, as an added extra, some people are great at subconsciously reading body language ... they will feel that your 'upset' or snarked about their eating habits without you having to even say a word.0 -
Believe me, I'm far from vocal. The only people I preach to nutrition are my husband and my kids.
Hm just read this. Is it possible your kids are preaching the gospel of good nutrition of your behalf? I ask because what we tell children, especially young ones, tends to get repeated where we never expect it.0 -
Yikes. You have some jacked up people in your life, that's for sure. My family/friends have never excluded me from anything for being a vegetarian, not drinking, or being thin. That's awful. I go to BBQs, pool parties, etc... if I don't want to drink, I don't drink. If I don't want to eat meat, I don't eat meat. Maybe they're just adjusting to the new you and will come around, but it sucks that they are acting so sh*tty about it.Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?
I don't find this statement as being judgmental at all. More like curiosity. I'm curious if it's true when people say that, too.0 -
Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?
Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Is it yours or anyone else's business? No.0 -
Because you're a hot blonde, and they are jealous. :happy:
OR, they just don't know how to treat you now that you've stepped out of their normal and went with a healthier lifestyle. Maybe talking to them, and telling them that you don't act like a diet Nazi would help. Many times people just don't understand, and don't know how to act. Sure, it's sad, but that happens.0 -
lots of people are mean, wean them out, find the good ones.0
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Jealousy is nasty. Just keep your head held high!!0
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People are not mean, everyone who complains about mean people are usually over sensitive and very whiney.0
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Find new friends if you're not happy with the ones you have. Ignore your family because you can't get a new one.
When people change who they are, a lot of times they no longer mesh with people who liked them before. That's ok. You're going to need to make friends who like the new you.0 -
Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.
Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.
And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.
^ This. And, I'm sorry, but any special diet that you make someone else's problem is a great way to not be invited to a party. I absolutely do not talk diet and exercise with any of my friends that I'm currently hanging out with because they just don't care and I know that. When we go out for beers, I drink beer. When we go out for hamburgers and shakes, I eat a hamburger and drink a shake. When I first got back in town, I received a couple of comments about my fitness level, but I let them slide and didn't say another word other than "thank you." I'm pretty sure that they think of me as "that guy" who can eat whatever he wants and stay fit, but the truth is I monitor my intake very carefully and just don't talk about it or sweat the IDGAF days.0 -
Your mental awareness, or lack there of, for your present emotional state directly impact how you perceive people to be.0
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I agree with everyone, they are jealous!
I am starting to have the same problem at home myself. I have always been the "fat sister/friend" that everyone hung out with. Well since I have lost my weight and am now smaller than most of my friends and family they all tell me that I am getting to skinny and that if I lose anymore im going to look sick and they try shoving unhealthy food in my face.
I understand what you are going through and if you need someone for support I would be happy to be of assistance!0 -
They are having trouble identifying with your new lifestyle, and that is ok. However, you keep saying that they didn't invite YOU. How about you invite them to stuff? That way they can see that you aren't a wet blanket now.
Unless you are.0 -
People are mean because they are stupid jealous winers. I keep my fitness thoughts and goals to myself because no one really cares. Thats my take on it. If they do not do it and now how good it feels to overcome weight issues they do not understand all us on MFP do know how much support one needs on this journey.0
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And, I'm sorry, but any special diet that you make someone else's problem is a great way to not be invited to a party.
She seems pretty laid-back about it. She didn't say she made it their problem.
As a veg, I can tell you, people make it their problem even when you don't. I have never been to a get-together that didn't have something available that didn't have meat in it and I usually bring a dish to pass, anyway, so I can make it my own problem. And when people ask and wring their hands (and they ALWAYS do), my response is always, "Don't worry about it. I'm not there for the food, I'm there for the company."
But still, they all freak out about it. I am not and have never been demanding. If there's nothing for me to eat, I just don't eat. I'm not going to starve to death in a few hours at a party or restaurant.
It sounds like her family was being very mean, whatever their reasons.0 -
Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.
Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.
And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.
This is something I think the OP should consider. We can't possibly know how her family & friends view her now. Maybe they are jealous and/or no longer have much in common with her. But I do think a little self reflection would be wise. Make sure it isn't you that has changed and not just them. Could it be a little of both?0 -
Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.
Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.
And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.
^ Well said.0
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