Why are people so mean

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ProudMammaTo3
ProudMammaTo3 Posts: 17
in Motivation and Support
I'm kind of new to this site and looking for friends who don't judge. I was always the "fat kid" up until high school all my weight somehow disappeared. I gained a TON of weight when I had kids, but always got back down to what I was at, around 130/135. I wasn't by anymeans thin or in shape, but lately I've started and made a major change.
However, I have no support (other than my hubby) in my life. All my friends and family are not into fitness and health and nutrition like I am now. They all are overweight, not by a ton, but they are. I've really booked my butt into gear and dropped 15 lbs and about 9 inches.I feel great about myself for the first time ever in my life! Ive always suffered from low self esteem and it feels good to have confidence for once. I'm not quite where I want to be, but so close and actually happy with my body for the first time. My friends and family haven't said anythng complimentary to me, which as much as you say you don't need anyone but yourself to feel good...I mean it still hurts. It seems like ever since I lost the weight, I'm losing my friends at the same time. I'm not cocky about it by anymeans! And i don't brag!! Even my family has kind of shut me out of get togethers. Telling me they didn't invite me because I'm a vegetarian now! Which I am partially but not strict about it by anymeans! But still I can't even just come to the party!? My friends even went clothes shopping the other day and didn't invite me. Then they went out for dinner together a couple nights ago and said they didn't invite me because they didn't think I would eat anything! Like wth!
Why when I'm finally feeling so good about myself for the first time, are my friends and family making me feel alone and terrible.
I just thank god I have my husband. He's on this journey with me and so supportive. Just sucks I'm losing all my friends and family in the process :(
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Replies

  • ezziepug
    ezziepug Posts: 57
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    Certainly there has to be some jealousy and insecurity involved. How your friends are treating you in particular is inexcusable. I know it's been said a million times, but friends who consistently act like that might not be true friends. I had a therapist say, "Some friendships have a shelf life." I was ill at the time and many of my friends couldn't take it. They were critical and disappointed with me. And I was trying so hard to get better. They were scared of the change in me, I think, and though it's a different change than you are going through, some friends can't weather it.

    I don't want to imply you should cut them out (though you might have to). But it might be worth it to have a gentle conversation where you explain you feel hurt and confused by the response to your weight loss/new healthy lifestyle. Maybe they don't realize they are being insensitive. It's worth a talk.

    I find family much harder to deal with in this regard, so I'll allow someone else to give some good advice there.

    Feel proud about all you've accomplished and be your own best friend.
  • MyJourney1960
    MyJourney1960 Posts: 1,133 Member
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    good for you for losing the weight and getting on the healthy road.

    sometimes we outgrow our friends. sounds like that may have happened. I would start looking for different friends who share your new lifestyle. doesn't mean you have to cut out your 'old' friends, but people who are into healthy eating/exercise will be more supportive of you efforts.

    as for your family - wow, that is hurtful. is there anyone you can talk to? a sister/aunt/grandparent?
  • lionellesanders
    lionellesanders Posts: 19 Member
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    Yeah they are probably jealous that you have such a willpower to do something, to change your lifestyle. And thats deep inside and they might even think of that and on the outside they make up these strange excuses.
    I had that when I had a baby. Most of my friends disappeared pretty quick and when I asked why they are not inviting me to their parties or such, same excuses - you don't drink alcohol or you wouldn't come anyway. It was painful but I decided to leave it. Now we've moved to another country and I'm trying to make new friends.

    But you did a great job there!!! Well done! I know with kid it's hard to find time and energy. And when it's more than one... wow!
  • fatt_boyy_slimm
    fatt_boyy_slimm Posts: 56
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    Your friends: Stop whining and get new ones.

    Your family: Stop whining, accept that your purpose in life (or theirs) is to make you (or them) happy. Find your own happiness with your children and husband.
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    Has it been a whole 6 hours since the last "why are people so mean?!" thread?

    Because people suck.
  • rowanwood
    rowanwood Posts: 510 Member
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    Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.

    Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.

    And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    "I'm a nutrition obsessed mom of three," says your profile.

    How do your friends know you are a vegetarian? Because you told them.
    Why do your friends think you won't eat x or y with them? Most likely because of your vociferous choices.

    When we talk about food, often we sound judgemental to others. Deal with the results or tone it down.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
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    I'm kind of new to this site and looking for friends who don't judge. I was always the "fat kid" up until high school all my weight somehow disappeared. I gained a TON of weight when I had kids, but always got back down to what I was at, around 130/135. I wasn't by anymeans thin or in shape, but lately I've started and made a major change.
    However, I have no support (other than my hubby) in my life. All my friends and family are not into fitness and health and nutrition like I am now. They all are overweight, not by a ton, but they are. I've really booked my butt into gear and dropped 15 lbs and about 9 inches.I feel great about myself for the first time ever in my life! Ive always suffered from low self esteem and it feels good to have confidence for once. I'm not quite where I want to be, but so close and actually happy with my body for the first time. My friends and family haven't said anythng complimentary to me, which as much as you say you don't need anyone but yourself to feel good...I mean it still hurts. It seems like ever since I lost the weight, I'm losing my friends at the same time. I'm not cocky about it by anymeans! And i don't brag!! Even my family has kind of shut me out of get togethers. Telling me they didn't invite me because I'm a vegetarian now! Which I am partially but not strict about it by anymeans! But still I can't even just come to the party!? My friends even went clothes shopping the other day and didn't invite me. Then they went out for dinner together a couple nights ago and said they didn't invite me because they didn't think I would eat anything! Like wth!
    Why when I'm finally feeling so good about myself for the first time, are my friends and family making me feel alone and terrible.
    I just thank god I have my husband. He's on this journey with me and so supportive. Just sucks I'm losing all my friends and family in the process :(

    People like to resort instantly to, "They're jealous." Can this happen? Yes. Do most people operate completely and utterly over supposed sudden feelings of jealousy and inferiority to others? No. It's ridiculous for people to keep thinking that... so that's my take on responses you've already gotten.

    It definitely sucks that you're feeling like this, but as human behavior and interaction is often much more complicated and nuanced than we think, I would ask first: have you told people this? The "We didn't invite you because you're vegetarian" could very well stem from people not wanting to make you uncomfortable if they're not serving anything veggie-friendly, or feel awkward asking you to bring your own food (as many vegetarians and vegans often end up doing--bringing their own dish).

    On the flip side, you're not bragging... but are you extremely vocal about your new vegetarianism? That can make people incredibly uncomfortable, if every time you're around a debate arises over food. It's possible that your major lifestyle change--dropping meat--is why people are unsure of how to handle you if it becomes an issue whenever you're around. Not your weight loss, but your words.

    If you are very silent and non-argumentative about how you eat, it's very possible these events fall into the first point I made: people don't want to offend you/hurt you, and maybe you just need to let people know. People are not mind-readers.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    They are probably jealous.

    BUT, I have to ask the question. Do you constantly talk about your diet and weight loss? For example, if you go out to dinner do you comment on everything on the menu, on what people are ordering, etc.? Sometimes in our excitement about weight loss, which is totally justified, we tend to go a little overboard on the conversation and it can be off putting to people who don't want to think about it.

    I'm not saying you're wrong, it's just something to think about.
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
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    A bunch of alcoholics don't want to party with the tea-totaller.

    It's just how it goes.

    You can't do much about it. Don't let their negativity get you down. You've got your hubby on side. That's a huge thing. Some people here don't even have that!!

    Get involved in some fitness club, running club, cycling club, group classes or whichever, and you'll make new friend with whom you might have more in common lifestyle-wise... You know you win some, you lose some. :flowerforyou:
  • ProudMammaTo3
    ProudMammaTo3 Posts: 17
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    Believe me, I'm far from vocal. The only people I preach to nutrition are my husband and my kids. Granted I've gained confidence, I'mFAR from thinking im some hot stuff. And like I said I am NOT a strict vegetarian by anymeans. Maybe it is me....its just hard to believe that. Maybe if a complete stranger met me I could understand why someone may assume I'm cocky,(not because I am but because some people are just crappy like that) but my good friends and family thinking that about me, I could never imagine. Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?
  • TheBitSlinger
    TheBitSlinger Posts: 621 Member
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    When I converted to Christianity, I lost many friends and even family connections. Some of it has to do with how people identify us. If our identify changes, it is sometimes hard for people to see and treat us the same way.

    Hope things improve for you!
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?

    Why does it matter? Let them be who they want to be. You be who you want to be.

    This sentence comes off as a little judgmental and it does make me wonder if you are coming across as a little "holier than thou" to your friends and family. I think you should have a conversation with them just to be sure everyone is on the same page about how things are being perceived. It's probably a combination of you being a little judgey and them being overly sensitive. I imagine a sit down will straighten things right out. :-)
  • cherryd69
    cherryd69 Posts: 340
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    Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?


    That is personal to them, its not for you or anyone else to question or to judge.


    Maybe your coming across to THEM as very judgmental and opinionated. YOU personally will not notice how you are sounding to them...


    I dont mean that as a personal attack, but when someone is 'into' something or passionate about something, they tend to block out everyone else so that they can hear themselves talk, maybe your friends are feeling that from you?

    What your friends said about you not eating anything... Have you been out with them alot during your transformation?
    Did you complain about or pick at the menu options, frequently remark how you will have to 'work out extra for this' or comment on the fat/calorie content of certain meals. Did you comment on anything they had?
    Maybe thats why they feel uncomfortable going out for a meal with you.


    Maybe your comments of your familys being overweight has made them not want to be around you, if you have voiced to them or to others about them needing to lose a few, i personally cant fault them.

    As someone has mentioned kids are great about repeating, and they also repeat out of context, so if you have been having sly words to your hubby about a friends/family members weight an a child has overheard, they can then go on an say it to someone else, they dont always understand the words are hurtful.

    Also, as an added extra, some people are great at subconsciously reading body language ... they will feel that your 'upset' or snarked about their eating habits without you having to even say a word.
  • TheBitSlinger
    TheBitSlinger Posts: 621 Member
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    Believe me, I'm far from vocal. The only people I preach to nutrition are my husband and my kids.

    Hm just read this. Is it possible your kids are preaching the gospel of good nutrition of your behalf? I ask because what we tell children, especially young ones, tends to get repeated where we never expect it.
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
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    Yikes. You have some jacked up people in your life, that's for sure. My family/friends have never excluded me from anything for being a vegetarian, not drinking, or being thin. That's awful. I go to BBQs, pool parties, etc... if I don't want to drink, I don't drink. If I don't want to eat meat, I don't eat meat. Maybe they're just adjusting to the new you and will come around, but it sucks that they are acting so sh*tty about it.

    Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?


    I don't find this statement as being judgmental at all. More like curiosity. I'm curious if it's true when people say that, too.
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    Before I even started this journey my friends always said comments about themselves like "I'm happy being fat" etc...I never got that. Are they really you think?

    Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Is it yours or anyone else's business? No.
  • LassoOfTruth
    LassoOfTruth Posts: 735 Member
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    Because you're a hot blonde, and they are jealous. :happy:

    OR, they just don't know how to treat you now that you've stepped out of their normal and went with a healthier lifestyle. Maybe talking to them, and telling them that you don't act like a diet Nazi would help. Many times people just don't understand, and don't know how to act. Sure, it's sad, but that happens.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,473 Member
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    lots of people are mean, wean them out, find the good ones.
  • Katrina_vw91
    Katrina_vw91 Posts: 232 Member
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    Jealousy is nasty. Just keep your head held high!!

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