Why are people so mean

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  • brower47
    brower47 Posts: 16,356 Member
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    Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.

    Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.

    And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.

    Same thoughts went through my head. I've found that people with the "everyone is against me" mentality, are usually doing it to themselves. Maybe the OP really is persecuted for getting in shape. Maybe she really didn't know that she'd always surrounded herself with jerks and their breaking point for showing their true colors was having a fit person in their midst. Maybe but maybe not.

    Do you ever talk about your diet? Do you ever talk about your exercise routine? Do you ever talk about how much better your life is now than it was before? If you do, you're probably the one pushing them away, not the other way around. People usually stop wanting to hang out with other people when that person stops being fun, not when that persona loses weight and increases fitness levels. It can be hard not to talk about something you're proud of but there's a time and place for everything.

    My guess, OP has been less fun to be around with, maybe even annoying.

    Of course this is all speculation since we only have one side of the story.
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
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    And to the people who are saying "they are just jealous!": That is an incredibly simple and short-sighted mentality. I urge you all to examine yourselves.

    QFT. The "people are just jealous of you" mentality your teacher or nice aunt told you to stop your playground tears at age 8 does not translate into adulthood. Sometimes, people change. Sometimes, people will not like you. To use it as a catch-all excuse anytime something hurts, someone disagrees, or someone doesn't invite you to a party... will truly end up backfiring in the long run.

    In regards to this topic, OP, again I ask--have you talked about these situations with anyone involved?
  • ProudMammaTo3
    ProudMammaTo3 Posts: 17
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    Thank you! I only wonder what the majority is because I use to say that even though I was totally in denial. I'm NOT being judgemental...strictly just being curious if most people who say that are just in denial like i was.
  • ezziepug
    ezziepug Posts: 57
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    I used to have a similar problem with social gatherings because I don't drink alcohol - people used to think if I didn't drink I didn't know how to enjoy myself. However, after attending a few parties and nights out people were amazed that I can have a good time without alcohol. I accept invitations for all sorts of things, I really make an effort to get out and meet new people, I've been to the cinema on my own, attended a show at the local town hall on my own - if I wait for other people all the time my life is going to pass me by so now I'm kinda like the Nike advert I just DO IT!!

    Why don't you have a few family over for a barbeque and show them how nice your food is and that its not boring. Also serve some meat dishes - just because you don't eat it doesn't mean you won't serve it!!

    I choose not to drink for my own personal wellbeing, its nothing to do with religion or anything.

    Don't let people put you down because they have tunnel vision. I made a lot of new friends through zumba and by getting a few friends together to go to different charity nights and things like that. Go along to see bands play near where you live, get a few people together and just spread your wings. My local library advertises nights with various writers who gives talks on their book themes etc. See if there is anything like this in your area and just go along.

    We are allowed to change our views and our styles and if necessary some friends - do what you need to do for YOU

    I like this advice. You're pretty awesome.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
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    I highly doubt that all of the OPs friends and family are jealous. Let's not be ridiculous.

    OP, you should ask these people what is going on. No one on this site knows you, and we'd be making wild guesses.
  • ezziepug
    ezziepug Posts: 57
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    People are not mean, everyone who complains about mean people are usually over sensitive and very whiney.

    Nice ticker.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    And, I'm sorry, but any special diet that you make someone else's problem is a great way to not be invited to a party.

    She seems pretty laid-back about it. She didn't say she made it their problem.

    As a veg, I can tell you, people make it their problem even when you don't. I have never been to a get-together that didn't have something available that didn't have meat in it and I usually bring a dish to pass, anyway, so I can make it my own problem. And when people ask and wring their hands (and they ALWAYS do), my response is always, "Don't worry about it. I'm not there for the food, I'm there for the company."

    But still, they all freak out about it. I am not and have never been demanding. If there's nothing for me to eat, I just don't eat. I'm not going to starve to death in a few hours at a party or restaurant.

    It sounds like her family was being very mean, whatever their reasons.

    I agree, but there's no way of preventing that unless you simply don't talk about it. I have friends with all sorts of special diets and I'm good with all of them, but there are things that even I will simply not invite people out for because of their diets. I'm not inviting friends that keep kosher to go to my favorite pork place, for example. I'm also not inviting a vegetarian friend over to a game meat BBQ unless I know that friend is a vegetarian for other than moral reasons. I compartmentalize to keep my sanity and to prevent unnecessary hurt feelings. And for me, diet discussions are like political discussions, I tend to avoid them like the plague in real life, because no good can come of them.

    Whether the OP's friends are jealous or not is something she has to decide for herself but I personally find that blaming "jealousy" for not being invited indicates a certain level of arrogance that probably should be kept in check. My guess is that it's a combination of the two, but she can only control her own actions.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I agree, but there's no way of preventing that unless you simply don't talk about it.

    Even if you don't talk about it, people figure it out. It can be as simple as someone offering you something and having to beg off because there's meat in it. Or if you're out to eat and have to ask if the soup has beef or chicken stock or whatever.

    Even if people don't say anything, they notice. When I was pregnant, the main thing that triggered my "morning" sickness was anything acidic. Well, my family is Italian and we have lasagna for pretty much every major holiday. No one outside of my parents in the family knew I was pregnant, but when I didn't eat lasagna at Easter, EVERYONE wanted to know why.
  • caramelgyrlk
    caramelgyrlk Posts: 1,112 Member
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    I only have your side of the story and with your side, communication is obviously lacking and is critical in order to understand what the issues are concerning your friends-loved ones. Find out why you are excluded and you may get some insight you never thought of.

    Often times, we see the wrong that others do, yet we do not see the things that we may do inadvertently. Perhaps it is an issue that can worked out. If not, you have the closure you need and you can widen out and find people who will truly accept the role as a friend.
  • ProudMammaTo3
    ProudMammaTo3 Posts: 17
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    Well, some of you people are awesome. Some of you were very quick to judge. I am NOT a stuck up person about any of this. Do I CARE about the health of my family and friends?? YES. Weight loss is FAR MORE important as far as health goes then the vanity aspect of it. I am always very catious in anything I say, weight related or not. Yes, I AM sensitive. I've been through hell and back in life with everything including the way people treated me when I was heavier. So yes....its a little heart breaking and im "overly sensitive" when these friends who ive had through thick and thin are backing out on me because I'm choosing this lifestyle. I get that people grow apart and people change and like different things, I get that....
    But its simply the fact that these very same people who loved me through everything I've been through in life, are now looking at me as if I'm taking an "I'm better than you approach". I asked about why people say that they are happy being fat...when they complain about how they wish they could be fit in the very same day. Oh well, thanks to those of you who get where I'm coming from. I'm sorry for those of you who are taking this the very same way that my family and friends are. Words on a screen don't display very good emotion.....
  • celadontea
    celadontea Posts: 335 Member
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    When the people in your life don't cut it anymore go out and find new friends. Try meetup or join a fundraising fitness walk/run group in your area and create that supportive community yourself. People are all caught up with themselves and they can be envious of someone else's success. In the past 2 months I noticed this pattern in my life as well and I have cut out a lot of people and made a ton of new friends. It's okay to put yourself first when it comes to your health, physically and mentally.
  • brower47
    brower47 Posts: 16,356 Member
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    Well, some of you people are awesome. Some of you were very quick to judge. I am NOT a stuck up person about any of this. Do I CARE about the health of my family and friends?? YES. Weight loss is FAR MORE important as far as health goes then the vanity aspect of it. I am always very catious in anything I say, weight related or not. Yes, I AM sensitive. I've been through hell and back in life with everything including the way people treated me when I was heavier. So yes....its a little heart breaking and im "overly sensitive" when these friends who ive had through thick and thin are backing out on me because I'm choosing this lifestyle. I get that people grow apart and people change and like different things, I get that....
    But its simply the fact that these very same people who loved me through everything I've been through in life, are now looking at me as if I'm taking an "I'm better than you approach". I asked about why people say that they are happy being fat...when they complain about how they wish they could be fit in the very same day. Oh well, thanks to those of you who get where I'm coming from. I'm sorry for those of you who are taking this the very same way that my family and friends are. Words on a screen don't display very good emotion.....

    I now understand why your friends are acting the way that they are.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
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    I don't want to sound like I'm being harsh, but I see a lot of these sort of threads and I never understand why the first thing they do is talk to a bunch of unknown people on a forum rather than talking to the people that are involved.

    Things can be commonly misconstrued. Maybe they don't invite you to dinner or parties because they don't want to 'ruin' your new health kick? Or perhaps they really are just a little jealous or maybe they are unsure of how to handle the new you. Either way, your best option is to talk to these people and express your concerns. You may find out you have nothing to worry about, or you may realise who are the real friends. Either way, you will get a much more useful answer than on here.
  • dressagester
    dressagester Posts: 53 Member
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    I find it's much easier to just think people are mean than to examine my own contributions to a negative situation.

    :flowerforyou:
  • Railr0aderTony
    Railr0aderTony Posts: 6,804 Member
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    Be careful though...whenever it seems like "everybody else" doesn't like you...its probably you. You don't have to brag to be disapproving and snide without saying a word. It's like being an ex-smoker (which I am) and coughing and giving dirty looks to people that smoke. That'll lose you a smoker friend in a flat minute.

    Sometimes however, all you have in common is your vices and when you let them go, there's nothing left to talk about.

    And yes, jealousy does happen, but you may be more self righteous about your new life than you know. All you told us about your friends is that they are fatter than you...its sort of telling.

    ^^^ this
  • cherryd69
    cherryd69 Posts: 340
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    Well, some of you people are awesome. Some of you were very quick to judge. I am NOT a stuck up person about any of this. Do I CARE about the health of my family and friends?? YES. Weight loss is FAR MORE important as far as health goes then the vanity aspect of it. I am always very catious in anything I say, weight related or not. Yes, I AM sensitive. I've been through hell and back in life with everything including the way people treated me when I was heavier. So yes....its a little heart breaking and im "overly sensitive" when these friends who ive had through thick and thin are backing out on me because I'm choosing this lifestyle. I get that people grow apart and people change and like different things, I get that....
    But its simply the fact that these very same people who loved me through everything I've been through in life, are now looking at me as if I'm taking an "I'm better than you approach". I asked about why people say that they are happy being fat...when they complain about how they wish they could be fit in the very same day. Oh well, thanks to those of you who get where I'm coming from. I'm sorry for those of you who are taking this the very same way that my family and friends are. Words on a screen don't display very good emotion.....

    I now understand why your friends are acting the way that they are.

    +1 im going to guess the awesome people are the ones that are saying everyone else is 'super mean an jealous'
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    I'm sorry for those of you who are taking this the very same way that my family and friends are.

    Wha? Talk about lumping people together.

    Why don't you ask yourself how you think your friend got the mental image that you wouldn't enjoy yourself at one of the outing?
    I'm not judging you - I'm just inviting you to inspect the information you have shared with us.

    However you decide to solve the issue with your friends, good luck.
  • ProudMammaTo3
    ProudMammaTo3 Posts: 17
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    The awesome people are the people who give both sides and don't assume anything.

    I have talked to them. It's always some excuse. One friend told me she didn't think i even ate mexivan food......we have been friends for 15 years..I do......the other one said we don't shop at the same stores.....yes we do, we always have. Though Im just a really nice person....and when other people are doing good with their life, I celebrate it and encourage it. I don't alienate.

    Some of you should not be on a supportive and.motivational website. Then again...ignorance causes me anger which only motivates me even harder.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    Well, some of you people are awesome. Some of you were very quick to judge. I am NOT a stuck up person about any of this. Do I CARE about the health of my family and friends?? YES. Weight loss is FAR MORE important as far as health goes then the vanity aspect of it. I am always very catious in anything I say, weight related or not. Yes, I AM sensitive. I've been through hell and back in life with everything including the way people treated me when I was heavier. So yes....its a little heart breaking and im "overly sensitive" when these friends who ive had through thick and thin are backing out on me because I'm choosing this lifestyle. I get that people grow apart and people change and like different things, I get that....
    But its simply the fact that these very same people who loved me through everything I've been through in life, are now looking at me as if I'm taking an "I'm better than you approach". I asked about why people say that they are happy being fat...when they complain about how they wish they could be fit in the very same day. Oh well, thanks to those of you who get where I'm coming from. I'm sorry for those of you who are taking this the very same way that my family and friends are. Words on a screen don't display very good emotion.....

    No one here is attacking you. If you are going to post on an internet forum, you have to be prepared for all sorts of opinion.

    Look, as I said before, when we work hard to get into shape and we start to see results, we get excited. Sometimes, that excitement spills over a bit and we need to check ourselves. It's probably a mix of you being over-excited about your new lifestyle and your friends and family being overly sensitive.
  • Binkie1955
    Binkie1955 Posts: 329 Member
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    Well, there's jealousy involved perhaps and envy and all that but emotions are often a two way street. my guess is they feel disapproval from you if they eat stuff in front of you. somehow, you may be expressing opinions that you don't even realize you're expressing. humans have very open limbic systems of which they are often unaware. there's ways to be more alert to this in yourself if that's a factor. tools like the 'MicroExpressions Training Tool' (METT) on which 'Lie to Me' was based. but it's difficult to control your own microexpressions until you take the training. a cheap DVD and some fun doing it too. but developing a real poker face around folks that are consuming something that you may have once had a really emotional relationship with is tough.

    My suggestions is pick them off one by one in environments in which eating and clothes shopping is NOT objective or the activity of the meeting and see if you can pick up where you left off and have them learn to like the new you. if not possible, then you're stuck and do need to move on.

    but 'mean people' are often as not more 'hurt' than 'mean'. Pray for them too, that often helps change YOU!

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