Am I being rude by not going to dinner with my family?
Replies
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Honestly, do people not know how to communiate anymore? If you don't know, ask the person involved most, in this case your uncle and take it from there.0
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m a vegetarian and go every where even if i cant eat their main course .... i ll jst eat something probably from a drive thru on the way back .... family dinners are bout family time not really DINNER0
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Family is overrated. Never put family before your ethics. If they don't tolerate you, don't tolerate them.
(Related to similar christian obnoxiousness)
This!0 -
You sound like a right pain, and a drama queen. You say you don't want the night to be about you but its already all about you, isn't it! Making a drama about not going is making it about you. Show some manners and go, order a fish dish , eat the sides and leave the fish with absolutely no comment to anyone.
if you are going to make a stand on food choices like this you need to find a way to still have some manners and social skills!!!!
BOOM! End thread.0 -
Normally, I'm a "go, spend time with your family, just get a salad if that's all you can eat" kind of person, but ... meeting the uncle's girlfriend's father sounds kind of a bit... removed from immediate family?0
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Just because a restaurant opens at 4, doesn't mean they won't have someone there before to answer the phones, etc...0
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Just because a restaurant opens at 4, doesn't mean they won't have someone there before to answer the phones, etc...
In an update I mentioned that I changed my mind and called, and no one answered.0 -
Just because a restaurant opens at 4, doesn't mean they won't have someone there before to answer the phones, etc...
In an update I mentioned that I changed my mind and called, and no one answered.
Fair enough, how far ahead of opening.
I'm with the others...I travel with a vegetarian on business quite a bit and he's never had an issue.0 -
OP to be quite honest, if I were a veggie and had that inquisition everytime I went out with the family, I would be reluctant to attend future meals too.
Seriously, they either need to accept your personal choices or you don't turn up, simple as.
Why can people just not live and let live these days
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I LIEEEEEEEEEEEE
I hope your Dad does this and while he is doing this yells : STOP BEING A DUMB BROAD
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Eat at home, go to the restaurant, order a salad and coffee. If you don't go, you're making yourself the center of the night.0
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You sound like a right pain, and a drama queen. You say you don't want the night to be about you but its already all about you, isn't it! Making a drama about not going is making it about you. Show some manners and go, order a fish dish , eat the sides and leave the fish with absolutely no comment to anyone.
if you are going to make a stand on food choices like this you need to find a way to still have some manners and social skills!!!!
I can see you are not, nor have ever been a vegetarian. A true veggie cannot have meat or fish touch their own food.
Watch a veggie at a BBQ and see how they fare for instance. It isn't a matter of just leaving the animal on the plate and not saying anything, the problem comes when the animal has touched the veg, rice, potatoes, fruit etc.0 -
I am just going to throw this out there......I would love to be able to share a meal or just spend some time with some family and some friends, but they are gone. Cherish the time you have with them now because one day they will be gone and you will realize how silly it is to contemplate between fish and your family. (or anybody else that means something to you)0
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Normally I'd say go and just say "I don't want to get into this subject right now" when pushed. Your protests about the potential conversations would have seemed like rationalizing the fact that you don't want to go.
That was up until an experience this time last year. My wife and I went out for dinner with our neighbors and some of their friends that were visiting (who happen to be missionaries). The subject of religion came up, and I sat by and respectfully listened until I was directly asked about my religion and I stated I was atheist. Of course, the flood gates opened. I said, quite clearly "I don't mean to be rude, but I'm not interested in defending my lack of faith, can we change the subject?". That didn't deter him, and the next 2 hours was a barrage of questions about why I didn't believe in God. It was absolutely unbelievable, and incredibly rude.
So given this, I'm going to say "don't go". Some (not all) religious people simply cannot control themselves in that situation.
I have had the same from a born again Christian. He wouldn't bring his pregnant wife to our house, lest I tainted her (I was into Spiritualism at the time).
I know how you feel.0 -
At first, I thought you were being silly. Of course you can eat the sides, of course a restaurant can accommodate the needs of a veggie.
But then I read your next update and I realized this isn't *really* about being a veggie, it's about not wanting to spend time with people who you are related to, but who make you feel uncomfortable.
So, my advice is:
Don't go. Don't spend time with anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and is rude to you. DNA doesn't trump self-dignity. There a whole bunch of people with whom I share DNA, but that make me feel bad. They don't get ANY of my time.
Life is short.
Don't waste it by doing stuff you don't want to do, with people who make you feel bad, whether you are related to them or not.0 -
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DISCLAIMER: No animal was harmed in the typing of this message....in case you were wondering...so it's safe for you to read it.
Just a question, but, do you have to eat anything? I understand it's a restaurant and all, but just going and getting something to drink and hanging out with friends and family isn't a terrible thing. Just eat before you go or wait until after you get back.
Personally, I think you're really high maintenance who wants to make something out of nothing...but that's just my opinion.0 -
So.. they knew for weeks and only told you today? Or did you just found out the restaurant today?
If you just found out today, a simple "I can't make it today, I wish I had known sooner or I wouldn't have made plans" will suffice.
Yes, they've had the reservations for weeks and only asked me if I wanted to join them this morning. My initial "no, thanks. I'll just find something to munch on here" was protested and that's when everything took a turn because I felt like I was being too rigid and should try to meet them half way. That's when I tried to find their menu, which is unavailable outside of the restaurant, and then tried to find reviews on the place from vegetarians, which is where I found that they like to put fish in or on pretty much everything. I'd been hoping they'd just let it die and not turn it into a respect issue. My grandfather and the Evangelist uncle are very opinionated and want me to go.
Had they invited me from the beginning OR even a couple of days in advance, I would've called, spoken to someone, made my decision and been done with it. It's only the specifics of this situation, being the difficulty with finding the menu and the personalities involved that make it more difficult than normal.
My uncle's gf's dad is also a preacher, so it's almost inevitable that religion WILL come up, and my Televangelist uncle and I are usually religious discussion sparring partners (I'm pretty studied in multiple religions despite being Agnostic and so is he, so we like to debate and discuss it at length), so he'll be expecting that out of me today because that's usually what we do. He even asked me who he's going to discuss the beginnings of Christianity and the religious beginnings of the area with if I'm not there. He often calls me up and discusses certain topics with me to prepare for sermons because I tend to have really good, well-thought-out counters. I'm in no way blowing that out of proportion, it's a thing that happens every time that uncle and I spend more than 20 minutes in a room together. I don't want to do that today because that's not the focus of this day, and I'm afraid that my having to go over menu options will give someone an avenue to bring it up. This isn't just a Tuesday afternoon with a bunch of family getting together, and I'm trying to be respectful of that.
Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.0 -
honestly you are way overthinking it and yes I think you are rude...
what I would do is eat ahead of time so I am not hungry when i'm there...
once there if the badgering starts I would simply say
"I'm sorry but i'm not hungry but I really wanted to come and spend time with you as you are my family and we don't get to do this often."
leave it at that.
if they know you are a vegetarian for the past 12 years, they knowingly invited you to this because you are family....it may have been a last minute invite because they weren't sure WHAT to do with you...
but I would go...i would eat ahead of time, go and beg off on dinner claiming i'm full, not hungry or tummy is a little off...
and then change the subject to "I want to be with you guys so I came anyways"0 -
I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. Just go and order a salad or something; I've never eaten at any restaurant that didn't have some kind of vegetarian option.
This.
If you don't want to go- don't go- but the reality is you can't avoid EVERY future family function just to avoid this subject.
At some point you should deal with it in setting NOT like this one- and say look. This is my choice- tonight isn't about me- any family gathering isn't about my food choices- you invited me to come because you enjoyed my company not wanting to hear about my dietary choices.
If you want to discuss those come over to my house and we can have a family gathering THERE about it.. but now is not the time. And let it go- do not address- or respond to any further comments addressing the matter.0 -
So.. they knew for weeks and only told you today? Or did you just found out the restaurant today?
If you just found out today, a simple "I can't make it today, I wish I had known sooner or I wouldn't have made plans" will suffice.
Yes, they've had the reservations for weeks and only asked me if I wanted to join them this morning. My initial "no, thanks. I'll just find something to munch on here" was protested and that's when everything took a turn because I felt like I was being too rigid and should try to meet them half way. That's when I tried to find their menu, which is unavailable outside of the restaurant, and then tried to find reviews on the place from vegetarians, which is where I found that they like to put fish in or on pretty much everything. I'd been hoping they'd just let it die and not turn it into a respect issue. My grandfather and the Evangelist uncle are very opinionated and want me to go.
Had they invited me from the beginning OR even a couple of days in advance, I would've called, spoken to someone, made my decision and been done with it. It's only the specifics of this situation, being the difficulty with finding the menu and the personalities involved that make it more difficult than normal.
My uncle's gf's dad is also a preacher, so it's almost inevitable that religion WILL come up, and my Televangelist uncle and I are usually religious discussion sparring partners (I'm pretty studied in multiple religions despite being Agnostic and so is he, so we like to debate and discuss it at length), so he'll be expecting that out of me today because that's usually what we do. He even asked me who he's going to discuss the beginnings of Christianity and the religious beginnings of the area with if I'm not there. He often calls me up and discusses certain topics with me to prepare for sermons because I tend to have really good, well-thought-out counters. I'm in no way blowing that out of proportion, it's a thing that happens every time that uncle and I spend more than 20 minutes in a room together. I don't want to do that today because that's not the focus of this day, and I'm afraid that my having to go over menu options will give someone an avenue to bring it up. This isn't just a Tuesday afternoon with a bunch of family getting together, and I'm trying to be respectful of that.
Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.
Okay...just don't go. There. solved it for you.
If you are okay distancing yourself from family, than don't worry about it. There are a few family members I'm not close to and have no problem not spending time with. If they were to pass away, I wouldn't regret missing out on spending time with them. If that's how you feel towards your uncle..then the answer is simple. Just. Don't. Go.0 -
Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.
So if these issues come up, hold your hand up, smile, and say, "Not today. I don't want to be the focus of the day. Today is about congratulating
"0 -
So.. they knew for weeks and only told you today? Or did you just found out the restaurant today?
If you just found out today, a simple "I can't make it today, I wish I had known sooner or I wouldn't have made plans" will suffice.
Yes, they've had the reservations for weeks and only asked me if I wanted to join them this morning. My initial "no, thanks. I'll just find something to munch on here" was protested and that's when everything took a turn because I felt like I was being too rigid and should try to meet them half way. That's when I tried to find their menu, which is unavailable outside of the restaurant, and then tried to find reviews on the place from vegetarians, which is where I found that they like to put fish in or on pretty much everything. I'd been hoping they'd just let it die and not turn it into a respect issue. My grandfather and the Evangelist uncle are very opinionated and want me to go.
Had they invited me from the beginning OR even a couple of days in advance, I would've called, spoken to someone, made my decision and been done with it. It's only the specifics of this situation, being the difficulty with finding the menu and the personalities involved that make it more difficult than normal.
My uncle's gf's dad is also a preacher, so it's almost inevitable that religion WILL come up, and my Televangelist uncle and I are usually religious discussion sparring partners (I'm pretty studied in multiple religions despite being Agnostic and so is he, so we like to debate and discuss it at length), so he'll be expecting that out of me today because that's usually what we do. He even asked me who he's going to discuss the beginnings of Christianity and the religious beginnings of the area with if I'm not there. He often calls me up and discusses certain topics with me to prepare for sermons because I tend to have really good, well-thought-out counters. I'm in no way blowing that out of proportion, it's a thing that happens every time that uncle and I spend more than 20 minutes in a room together. I don't want to do that today because that's not the focus of this day, and I'm afraid that my having to go over menu options will give someone an avenue to bring it up. This isn't just a Tuesday afternoon with a bunch of family getting together, and I'm trying to be respectful of that.
Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.
See, for me it would have been "no I already made plans tonight because I was't aware this was happening so sorry but I can't make it" and I wouldn't feel bad about it at all.0 -
They are being rude by inviting you with such short notice.0
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I am confused about your family's statements. I am a Christian and although I CAN eat meat it is perfectly acceptable for me not to eat meat if I don't want to. I don't know of any place in the Bible that says thou must eat meat.
Some of my family has switched to vegetarian, honestly finding something at a restaurant is much harder for my father, who has celiac and can't eat wheat, then it is for those who choose not to eat meat.
You may have been better off already having plans or, if you say no, be sure to state that you don't want this to cause an issue for your Uncle. Otherwise, just saying no may lead to your not being included in the future because they will assume you will decline again.
Good luck with your family.0 -
having read your explanation - i don't find it rude and i think it's admirable you are standing up for what is right for you PLUS you realize that because of your choices attention will be misplaced on to you and not your uncle.
have you thought about going just for dessert (i know i know here we are on mfp and i'm suggesting dessert) but since it is for a very special occasion and clearly your uncle would like you to be present i think it would be acceptable to have a little dessert (or go for a cocktail). find out if/when he is going to propose and show up for just that.0 -
Yes, I agree. Order a salad. You can't tell us they don't have a plain veggie salad. I think you are making a Really big deal About something no one else really cares about. I can't imagine everyone will be caring all that much what you eat. Why make it about you???I am a vegetarian and I have never had that much trouble going to any kind of restaurant......I feel like you are blowing this situation way out of proportion.0 -
Just have a late lunch before you go, and explain that you are there to support the family but you are on a special diet and you will only be ordering a drink. Order a zero calorie fizzy beverage or an iced tea. Smile. If they ask you about it, mumble something about a diet plan. This is not actually a lie (you do have a special diet, involving not eating fish) but is less likely to result in an annoying political/religious conversation.0
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Ok, here's the situation:
I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat animals of any kind, land, air or sea animals.
My family is meeting my uncle's girlfriend's dad tonight at a fish restaurant. They asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. They think I'm being rude because they want me to go. To be accommodating, I looked up their menu, and all it has is a list of fish they might theoretically have today - no mention of sides, no mention of non-fish options, nothing. The list and an explanation that the fish is fresh and availability depends on their catch today. They don't open until 4pm, and we would have to leave at 3 to get to our reservation, so I can't even call ahead (they just asked me if I wanted to go this morning, and have had the plans for weeks) and ask about non-meat options. That would be an awkward conversation, anyway, which I suspect would go something like this:
"Hi, thank you for calling (Name of Fish Restaurant!) How may I help you today?"
"Hello. My family has reservations there tonight, and I was wondering what was on your menu that didn't include fish or meat."
"... It's... It's a fish restaurant..."
"Yes... I know... but I'm a vegetarian..."
"... It's a fish restaurant... Everything has fish in it..."
"... Ok... thanks for your time..." *hang up*
The other reason I don't want to go is because I know my uncle might be proposing tonight, and I'm happy for him, and I want this night to be about him and his potential fiancé, like it's supposed to be. Her dad is also a preacher, as are quite a few of the men in my family, so I know the "God says _____ about eating the flesh of animals" thing will likely come up, and I don't want to have the (this is of course slightly exaggerated, but it's pretty much how it goes)
"Can I just have a plate of steamed vegetables and rice?"
"No fish?"
"No fish."
"You sure?"
"Quite, thank you."
"But... why?"
"Vegetarian."
"Vegetarians eat fish."
"not this one." (because I'd like the topic to go off of me, and don't feel like defending my dietary choices nor explaining the difference between vegetarian and pescetarian)
"my brother's friend's niece is vegetarian and she eats fish"
"That's nice, but I still don't eat fish"
"Why?"
"I don't eat anything that has to be slaughtered"
"The Bible is very clear about eating animals"
"Ok."
"Christians are supposed to eat meat (insert Biblical reference to one verse or another)"
"Yeah............ I'm not a Christian, so, that really has little relevance for me, but thanks for your concern about my spiritual welfare."
*Pokémon music*
"A wild Non-Christian appeared! Preach / Disable, Confusion, Throw Conversion Ball, Run"
conversation.
I've had this conversation dozens of times, and I hate it. It's awkward and I feel like I'm being rude the whole time because I'm the topic of conversation and don't want to be.
Do y'all think I'm being rude by not going? I'm afraid my uncle will think I'm not being supportive. I'm trying to be as polite as possible to everyone involved by just avoiding the situation all-together.
NOTE: After doing some research, it would appear that there's not a single dish on the menu that doesn't include fish, or a sauce infused with fish or something.
I don't want the attention on me, at all. This isn't some form of protest of meat eating or whatever, it's a personal choice I've made and don't want to change. The thought of eating meat grosses me out and always has.
Thoughts?
Get over yourself. Im surprised they even considered inviting you. Look up the definition of "Passive-Aggressive"0 -
I know people with serious food allergies that have had less of an issue going out to eat.
They will have something without meat.
I've never in my life been to a restaurant where there wasn't at least one meal you could order without meat.0
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