Frienemies

You were obviously not ok with her little joke at your expense. Nor would I be. Sheesh, even her husband wasn't. What did you do or say in response?

Eta: and by the way, what did your husband say about the fiasco? What does he think of his friend's wife?

My hubby doesn't like her - never has. But he loves his friend. When we go 3 or more months without hanging out with them - he gets sad.

He did not confront her out of respect for his friend - but he did say thank you to his friend when his friend told her to stop. He tried to redirect the conversation by saying "hey - this diet is a great thing - it means I get 3/4 of the cookie tonight!".

I didn't really say anything - I don't like to be confrontational...and that is a problem I need to correct. I do need to stand up for myself.

First off, you don't NEED to do anything. Don't judge yourself. Many of us (myself included) have a difficult time learning boundaries and how to effectively assert them. It's not easy. Too wimpy, we get walked all over and later mentally berate ourselves for being dishrags. Overly assertive, and we come across as confrontational beyotches. How do we get the balance right? It's almost like walking a tightrope sometimes.

The most important thing to remember is it takes practice. So if you don't get it right every time, try to not berate yourself. Instead give yourself brownie points for a good start. And remember, you have the right to choose and enforce your personal boundaries and assert them in a way to maintain your own dignity, integrity and self-respect.

Here is a short article discussing boundaries further. And good luck with your 'friend'. She needs way more help than you will ever need.

How to Create Healthy Boundaries
TERRI COLE | JUNE 29, 2012 | LIVING, LOVING, WORKING

“An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.”
Harriet Lerner

Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy.

Creating healthy boundaries is empowering. By recognizing the need to set and enforce limits, you protect your self-esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships.

Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-induced physical illness. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will. On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation, like living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you can’t get out.

What Are Boundaries?

The easiest way to think about a boundary is a property line. We have all seen “No Trespassing” signs, which send a clear message that if you violate that boundary, there will be a consequence. This type of boundary is easy to picture and understand because you can see the sign and the border it protects. Personal boundaries can be harder to define because the lines are invisible, can change, and are unique to each individual.

Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. Personal boundaries help you decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable.

Types of Personal Boundaries

1. Physical

Physical boundaries provide a barrier between you and an intruding force, like a Band-Aid protects a wound from bacteria.

Physical boundaries include your body, sense of personal space, sexual orientation, and privacy. These boundaries are expressed through clothing, shelter, noise tolerance, verbal instruction, and body language.

An example of physical boundary violation: a close talker. Your immediate and automatic reaction is to step back in order to reset your personal space. By doing this, you send a non-verbal message that when this person stands so close you feel an invasion of your personal space. If the person continues to move closer, you might verbally protect your boundary by telling him/her to stop crowding you.

Other examples of physical boundary invasions are:

Inappropriate touching, such as unwanted sexual advances.
Looking through others’ personal files and emails.
Not allowing others their personal space. (e.g., barging into your boss’s office without knocking)

2. Emotional and Intellectual

These boundaries protect your sense of self-esteem and ability to separate your feelings from others’. When you have weak emotional boundaries, it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with no protection. You expose yourself to being greatly affected by others’ words, thoughts, and actions and end up feeling bruised, wounded, and battered.

These include beliefs, behaviors, choices, sense of responsibility, and your ability to be intimate with others.

Examples of emotional and intellectual boundary invasions are:

Not knowing how to separate your feelings from your partner’s and allowing his/her mood to dictate your level of happiness or sadness (a.k.a. codependency).
Sacrificing your plans, dreams, and goals in order to please others. 
Not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for your problems. 
It seems obvious that no one would want his/her boundaries violated. So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our boundaries?

FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
FEAR of confrontation.
GUILT.
We were not taught healthy boundaries. 
Awareness is the first step in establishing and enforcing your boundaries.

Assess the current state of your boundaries, using the list below:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to:

Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.
Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.

UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by:

Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
Feeling responsible for other’s happiness.
Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.


Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries:

(Modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine)

When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting.
You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.
At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway and tell yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively.
Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you.
Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.
I hope you take the time to put into practice some of the above ideas. Please share any insight, and even struggles, so we can support each other.

Source: http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/

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I've had to cut people out of my life because they were flat-out mean and didn't even realize they were doing it, even after having it repeatedly pointed out to them. They may not think they mean anything by it, but they do. You need to decide if you can handle that in your life right now.

Dump her. I had a similar "frienemy" and dumped him this summer. Best way to drop 150lbs or so and you don't even feel hungry! Some people just aren't worthy of being on the journey with you. Screw em. Life is way too short. Life is way too fabulous, exciting, interesting and intriguing too. =D

wow...sounds very childish...just don't go to dinner with her anymore

Personally I'm uncomfortable with friends that aren't abusive. The 'nice' ones are so fake. The really hurtful ones remind me of home. If anyone is horribly cruel please send me an FR.

I can think of a quick way for you to drop a 100 plus pounds :laugh:

Seriously life is too short to hang out with asshats!

Word!

Do any of you have "frienemies"? I have one. She can be fun to hang out with - but she is often snarky and makes hurtful comments. The first week of logging my food - we had a birthday celebration for her husband at Chili's. I was determined to eat better, while still enjoying myself, so I researched before I went to know exactly what I would order.

While at the restaurant, I ordered with my hubby the 2 for 20. I chose the flatbread pizza for the appetizer for hubby and I to split (a yummy splurge) and then chose the low cal sirloin with broccoli. She kept making comments on how I was on a "diet". This bothered me, but I shrugged it off stating I was being careful because I knew I would get popcorn at the theater.

They ordered cheese fries for their appetizer. While I was enjoying my pizza (literally savoring each bite...it was sooo good) - she actually put a huge forkful of cheese fries in MY FACE!!! She kept waving it in front of me and was like "you sure you don't want any...they are sooo good". It took her husband to tell her to stop being mean for her to quit.

This has made me seriously question the state of our "friendship". I use to be able to discount her behavior and excuse it - but this was really over-the-top. Your thoughts?

I do this to my friends on the regular. It aint easy going thru life being an a**hole...but it's my cross to bear.

Sounds like she was just teasing you. Perhaps she doesn't know you can't take being teased?

I would just not hang out with her if you don't like hanging out with her. Let your husbands go out together on their own.

I have a frienemie who I have known since 4th grade. She started to lose weight last summer, I started in January. I was dropping weight fast at the beginning, since she had been at it awhile she was dropping more slowly. I was very supportive of her, telling her she looked good, I could really see where it was coming off, etc. For me, she told me I needed to color my hair, that I was losing my boobs, that I was losing too fast and would never keep it off, that I would hit my plateau too and so on. I finally decided she wouldn't say a kind word to me even if I was about to jump off of a bridge! So I changed my Zumba instructors and only say Hi to her in passing.

OMG! This is the best!!! :laugh:

I have a frienemie who I have known since 4th grade. She started to lose weight last summer, I started in January. I was dropping weight fast at the beginning, since she had been at it awhile she was dropping more slowly. I was very supportive of her, telling her she looked good, I could really see where it was coming off, etc. For me, she told me I needed to color my hair, that I was losing my boobs, that I was losing too fast and would never keep it off, that I would hit my plateau too and so on. I finally decided she wouldn't say a kind word to me even if I was about to jump off of a bridge! So I changed my Zumba instructors and only say Hi to her in passing.

That's really obnoxious. Good for you for dropping her.

Have you previously discussed with her that her behavior hurts your feelings?

If no: Do the grown up thing and talk to her about it.

If yes: Just break up.

Then I realized that some people just aren't happy when you mess up what they perceive to be the social order.

This this THIS^^^ I love this. You are so right.

Sounds to me like its time to move on.

But, if you still like her, and she is a true friend,
Tell her to cut it out, or you're done.

Been there.