Advice on how to handle an ex please!

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  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

    Or even better... this.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
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    Little history first: I was 16 when I met my children's biological father. 17 when I got pregnant with our first and 20 when I got pregnant with our second. I was young and stupid and tried to make it work. He lived a partying lifestyle and was abusive and a serial cheater. Did I mention I was stupid?? Anyway, I grew up and took my responsibilities head on. He on the other hand did not. I admit that I chased him for a while trying to get him to care and want to spend time with our oldest daughter. But after our youngest daughter was born, I gave up. Our youngest is 7 now. In the past 7 years I can count on one hand how many times he has called and asked about the girls. Don't get me wrong, he has called but it was to take me out to a bar. January of 2011 he was picked up for grand larceny. He is now serving a 20 year sentence that will run concurrent with his many DUI's and drug charges. He is up for parole in January of 2014.

    In the time frame that he has been an absent parent, my girls have always had a man around. My dad has been there as a constant through the years. The man they now know as their dad is my husband and he came in the picture when they were 3 and 6. They are well adjusted and have never known a bad day in their lives. They weren't brought up around drugs or drinking. They excel in school and in sports. To this day, they do not know who their biological father is nor do I think they really care.

    I received a letter from prison yesterday. Their biological father wrote me a letter to apologize and ask about the girls. He said he got my address off the child support papers that were sent to him in prison. He's been in prison for a while and has had my address for about the same amount of time. I find it funny that he writes not after all this time. But I do think that the main reason he wrote was because he has a parole hearing coming up and he is now wanting to see the girls. He claims to be a changed man and sees the error of his ways. He says he loves the girls and just wants to be their dad.

    My question is how should I respond to that? I am not bitter with him by no means. Four years ago he called telling me he wanted to be a part of their lives. This was right after he found out I was seeing someone. (Then my boyfriend, now my husband) I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule. He told me to have my boyfriend take care of them. Didn't hear from him again until yesterday. Do I answer his letter? If so, what do I say? Do I just act like I never got the letter? HELP!!

    My husband is hurt as well. Him and the girls have an amazing bond and he doesn't find it beneficial for the girls to meet and get to know someone so unstable and who knows what else.


    I would not reply to his letter. In the meantime I would get legal help to ensure that all your T are crossed and Is are dotted. When he presents himself making demands, have your attorney deal with it. I would not let the children visit him in prison, even if he is dying. Stand firm, because you have a lot more to lose than him and he knows it. Make sure until the children are a lot older, than all visitations are supervised, he cannot be trusted
  • newfette81
    newfette81 Posts: 185
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    people can change a lot is 10 years but then again some people don't change at all.

    My father is not a nice person, I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse from him which only got worse after I moved out as an adult and my parents finally broke up. It wasn't until he threatened to kill my mother and told me to stay away from him so I didn't get hurt that I cut all ties with him. That was 6 years ago. My mom has moved on and the new man in her life has been more of a father to me than my real dad ever was.

    But if my biological father were to call me and tell me he was sorry and that he had changed and wanted to try and rebuild what we had lost I would give him a chance but I tell you now it would be very difficult for him to regain my trust.

    Your ex needs to build that trust with you. your children are too young to fully understand what is going on and supervised visits are probably best to protect them and keep an eye on what kinds of things he is telling them, but as someone who doesn't have that relationship with my biological father and by extension his family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) please think of what your children could gain by having so much more love in their lives.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
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    Are your girls old enough to ask what THEY want?

    This isn't about your feelings or your husband's feelings or even the bio father's feelings. It's about the children who may or may not want to at least meet their bio father. Or they may have no interest in meeting him. I think you need to talk to them about it. What if you respond with a no way and they find out later and say they wanted a chance with him?

    If they ask, I will give them the option. I won't bring it up though. They are aware that my husband is not their dad. We have informed them of the possibility of adoption. I will also inform them that I have spent the last x amount of years protecting them and doing what I saw was best. It is not healthy for them to be around drug users and drinkers. Their biological father was almost stabbed to death at a party he was at. What if my children had been their? I don't know who is there or what they are doing. I have felt like I have been able to keep them from a life of abuse, negligence, possible rape, introductions to who knows what kinds of drugs up to this point. I will also explain that I almost lost my youngest because he beat me pretty badly because he showed up at my house stoned out of his mind and angry because a different car was in my drive way. (I had just got a new car.)
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    You need to talk to a lawyer, because, as others have pointed out -- he may have a legal right to see his children whether or not he has paid support or not. However, I would guess that because he is incarcerated, now would be an excellent time to go to family court to work out an arrangement that would be favorable to him not having unsupervised visitation.

    I am all for people changing their lives and believe that children can have positive relationships with parents who previously abandoned them. However, I do not think he should have carte blanche access to them.
  • Melissa22G
    Melissa22G Posts: 847 Member
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    He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.


    QFT
  • porcelain_doll
    porcelain_doll Posts: 1,005 Member
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    He sounds very selfish. I read "parole hearing" and immediately assumed that was why he was writing. It's not about the girls, it's about him. His actions leading up to the present do not paint a picture of a repentant, humble, genuine man. It's not like he's been too busy sitting in prison to do a little more to show he really is interested in being their dad. I would tread carefully. Do not allow yourself or your girls to be deceived. I even wonder if their biological dad attempting to poke his head back into their lives would be healthy for them since they already have a dad in their lives who really wants to be their dad.
  • Headingforhealthier
    Headingforhealthier Posts: 85
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    Get a lawyer. No one else can reliably tell you what you have to do, in the state that you live and without knowing your fully story. My dad left when I was 5, and I believe there is a way you can make sure he can't visit them, but you would have to speak to a professional about it.
  • DashDeV
    DashDeV Posts: 545 Member
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    Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

    Or even better... this.

    How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Are your girls old enough to ask what THEY want?

    This isn't about your feelings or your husband's feelings or even the bio father's feelings. It's about the children who may or may not want to at least meet their bio father. Or they may have no interest in meeting him. I think you need to talk to them about it. What if you respond with a no way and they find out later and say they wanted a chance with him?

    If they ask, I will give them the option. I won't bring it up though.

    They don't know he wants to see them, so why would they ask? You need to give them all the facts. This is their father. They need to know what's going on.

    I have a similar situation and my daughter expressed when she was 10 that she didn't want to meet her father. (He isn't in jail, just absent.) I could make it happen if she wanted it and if I had my way, they would have a relationship, but in the end, it was about what SHE wanted because she is the one this all really affects.
  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
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    He has a parole hearing coming up? And "suddenly" wants to see his kids? Sounds like he's using you and the kids to make sure he gives a good impression so he gets parole.

    You have done an amazing job with your kids! You should be so proud! You have a lovely family unit now - please don't let him blow it apart. He will never change. Ever. :flowerforyou:
  • porcelain_doll
    porcelain_doll Posts: 1,005 Member
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    He has a parole hearing coming up? And "suddenly" wants to see his kids? Sounds like he's using you and the kids to make sure he gives a good impression so he gets parole.

    You have done an amazing job with your kids! You should be so proud! You have a lovely family unit now - please don't let him blow it apart. He will never change. Ever. :flowerforyou:

    Agreed.
  • amelia_atlantic
    amelia_atlantic Posts: 926 Member
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    Very tough position to be in. I feel for you and your family.

    As generic advice: know your rights, his rights, the laws and acknowledge the impact on your kids one way or another.

    Personal opinion: most men in prison claim to be "changed men" because they are forced to change by the institution. I wouldn't take any action if/until you hear from him from the outside world.

    Best of luck to you and your family!
  • teerae326
    teerae326 Posts: 150 Member
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    I'm dealing with a similar situation and the best advice I've gotten is to seek legal counsel. My daughter's biological father hasn't been in the picture for the majority of her 6 years... aside from a few visits. He paid child support every once in a while, not consistently. The only times he has been interested in seeing her, him and the girlfriend of the week would break up and poof! He wants to be involved now! He would pop up after more than a year of not seeing her and expect me to let her go with him. Absolute insanity. He has a history of drug problems, however none on public record. He thinks he is a rapper, which is stupid. A couple years ago, he signed over his parental rights but I wasn't able to afford the attorney fees for filing the paperwork. He has recently reached out to me wanting to see my daughter and says he will take me to court because I haven't let him see her. I don't respond. My daughter would know him if she saw him, I think, but her memories with him aren't great. The last time she saw him, he was in my face screaming and snatched her away from me. I don't know what will happen when we eventually go to court. In the meantime, he can suck a fat one because I will not let him take my daughter without knowing he is going to take care of her. Some court will have to order me to do so. I was advised to get legal counsel, as attorneys know what his options are as well as your own. It is best to know what your options are before you make decisions.
  • autumny70
    autumny70 Posts: 127 Member
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    I agree with getting legal advice. It may be best to have custody issues cemented while he's in prison. They award you sole custody, no visitation except what you see as best for the children. That's what I had with my youngest (now 19). I never said he couldn't see his daughter, but I could refuse if there were safety issues (i.e.: he shows up at the door wasted).
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

    Or even better... this.

    How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.

    If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?

    The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.
  • mag131
    mag131 Posts: 542 Member
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    I'll just say this. At some point, your kids are going to become curious about their biological father. For that reason I would keep the door open.

    ^^This.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,775 Member
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    He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.


    QFT

    Especially if the father is a physically abusive, drug using ex-con. That's why sometimes it is necessary to go to court to have his "right" legally revoked.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

    this and
    Child support and visitation are two different issues and one should not determine the other.

    this
  • josavage
    josavage Posts: 472 Member
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    I think that he is just doing this now to up his chances of getting out on parole - he wants to try to show the board that he is a changed man and thinks that if the girls are back in his life, that will make him look better. Speak with an attorney before making a decision about responding to him. If he does get out and really wants a relationship with the girls, you need an attorney to work out the visitation agreement. The attorney will know how things run in your state with a dad like him, what your rights are, what his rights are, and what you can do to protect your girls.

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