Advice on how to handle an ex please!
Replies
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Sounds like your children have a good life with you and your husband. It also is clear that your ex is a manipulator and is using the children as a "get out of jail" card and will probably just add chaos to your children's life.
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
This is a great idea. I agree with your desires to at the very least have him pay a minimum child support payment for six months before ever seeing his kids if you are to let him into your lives.0 -
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
Or even better... this.
How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.
If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?
The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.
Typical.
You know nothing about me or my situation.
My ex is very much like the OP described, except that I married him, he finally managed to get to a point where he could avoid going to jail/prison. I have bent over backwards for him to have access to his children. He still doesn't. And he is always looking for some flaw in my parenting so that he can get out of child support. He doesn't care if his actions cause his kids to end up in a foster home because he is not smart enough to realize that he would still have to pay child support.
The kids have a good man to be their father. And odds are, they will want the man raising them to adopt them. Bio-dad needs to prove that this really matters to him, and fight for those kids.
This isn't about you or your situation. I stick with my "typical" comment.0 -
This is not only a bizarre place to ask for this kind of advice, but the fact that you were getting a little testy with some of the suggestions given on the front page tells me that you already know what you want to do. I don't think my fitness pal is a good source of lawyers.
Also, are you really putting his rapsheet here? Really? Is this some sort of weird validation thing? We get it, he's not a good guy. Go get a lawyer.0 -
Sounds like your children have a good life with you and your husband. It also is clear that your ex is a manipulator and is using the children as a "get out of jail" card and will probably just add chaos to your children's life.
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
This is a great idea. I agree with your desires to at the very least have him pay a minimum child support payment for six months before ever seeing his kids if you are to let him into your lives.
here in my state, the child support has nothing to do with visitation and withholding a parent from seeing their kids is just as illegal as not paying child support, but you cannot withhold them from the kids because of it.0 -
Sounds like your children have a good life with you and your husband. It also is clear that your ex is a manipulator and is using the children as a "get out of jail" card and will probably just add chaos to your children's life.
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
This is a great idea. I agree with your desires to at the very least have him pay a minimum child support payment for six months before ever seeing his kids if you are to let him into your lives.
here in my state, the child support has nothing to do with visitation and withholding a parent from seeing their kids is just as illegal as not paying child support, but you cannot withhold them from the kids because of it.
It's the same in all states.0 -
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
Or even better... this.
How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.
If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?
The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.
Typical.
You know nothing about me or my situation.
My ex is very much like the OP described, except that I married him, he finally managed to get to a point where he could avoid going to jail/prison. I have bent over backwards for him to have access to his children. He still doesn't. And he is always looking for some flaw in my parenting so that he can get out of child support. He doesn't care if his actions cause his kids to end up in a foster home because he is not smart enough to realize that he would still have to pay child support.
The kids have a good man to be their father. And odds are, they will want the man raising them to adopt them. Bio-dad needs to prove that this really matters to him, and fight for those kids.
This isn't about you or your situation. I stick with my "typical" comment.
I need some clarification then... what exactly is "typical" about wanting to protect children from the possibility of being rejected by a father who is clearly very likely to do just that?0 -
2010-568 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 6Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/25/2016
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 14Y Probation 05/06/2011 05/05/2031
2010-69 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2011-15 PONT Attempting To Elude Police Officer (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
2011-15 PONT Running A Roadblock (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
Here is his partial record. This isn't all...trust me. His record is longer than my college transcript.
Gah! Stop. Stop this whole thread. You're really not making good decisions posting all this here. If you are making better decisions now than you were when you were younger as you say, surely you can see that this isn't the place.
ETA: Trying to be helpful because we can't unring this bell. Your ex's parental rights aren't up to you or anyone here. You need to speak to a family law attorney or mediator to get a better understanding of everyone's rights, and decide on a course of action based on a combination of abiding by those rights and the best interest of your children.0 -
Sounds like your children have a good life with you and your husband. It also is clear that your ex is a manipulator and is using the children as a "get out of jail" card and will probably just add chaos to your children's life.
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
This is a great idea. I agree with your desires to at the very least have him pay a minimum child support payment for six months before ever seeing his kids if you are to let him into your lives.
here in my state, the child support has nothing to do with visitation and withholding a parent from seeing their kids is just as illegal as not paying child support, but you cannot withhold them from the kids because of it.
It's the same in all states.
well, there OP has it, then. I would suggest not withholding the kids unless he pays child support.0 -
my little opinion: do not take them to a prison to meet a father they don't remember. Not good for their little psyches. I would personally tell him that he needs to wait until he is released and then set up times for him to come to your house for a visit, maybe an hour or two or maybe dinner. Or meet him somewhere with the kids if it is too much on your husband. I do think it would give bio-dad food for thought if he sees the relationship step-dad has with the kids. It doesn't matter if it upset your husband. Bio-dad does have some legal rights. BUT (and this is important in the beginning) DO NOT tell the kids that he is coming over or that you taking them to see him. That way if he doesn't show then they aren't hurt. If he proves that he is going to stick around then you can decide whether or not to loosen up. I would make him decide to take you to court over visitation. Honestly, from what you described, he doesn't sound like the type to spend money on a lawyer and time for court hearing and mediators (mandatory in most states). But would have the fact that you tried to let him in while still protecting your children. Also, judges normally take into consideration the relationship the non custodial parent has with the children. Plus, your oldest is old enough that the judge would probably take her wishes into consideration.0
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Personally, I wouldn't do anything.
Let him get his parole, get his life on track, hire himself an attorney, and pursue you for visitation legally. If he is willing to do all that, then he is worthy to be a father. Don't enable him. Don't facillitate him. Make him prove that he really wants to be a father. Otherwise, you will be wasting your time and energy, and your kids'.
Yes, he has legal rights to them, and he can exercise those rights, if he wants, but I would make him take you to court.
This and amen!0 -
Personally, I wouldn't do anything.
Let him get his parole, get his life on track, hire himself an attorney, and pursue you for visitation legally. If he is willing to do all that, then he is worthy to be a father. Don't enable him. Don't facillitate him. Make him prove that he really wants to be a father. Otherwise, you will be wasting your time and energy, and your kids'.
Yes, he has legal rights to them, and he can exercise those rights, if he wants, but I would make him take you to court.
This and amen!
Yeah, this is basically the TL;DR version of what I said. I get long-winded when I'm in lawyer-mode.0 -
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
Or even better... this.
How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.
If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?
The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.
Typical.
You know nothing about me or my situation.
My ex is very much like the OP described, except that I married him, he finally managed to get to a point where he could avoid going to jail/prison. I have bent over backwards for him to have access to his children. He still doesn't. And he is always looking for some flaw in my parenting so that he can get out of child support. He doesn't care if his actions cause his kids to end up in a foster home because he is not smart enough to realize that he would still have to pay child support.
The kids have a good man to be their father. And odds are, they will want the man raising them to adopt them. Bio-dad needs to prove that this really matters to him, and fight for those kids.
This isn't about you or your situation. I stick with my "typical" comment.
I need some clarification then... what exactly is "typical" about wanting to protect children from the possibility of being rejected by a father who is clearly very likely to do just that?
I will just say this.... we are only hearing OP's side of the story. There are always 3 sides. His, hers and the truth. We don't know that the ex hasn't changed and doesn't want to be in his kids lives. Everything here is based on what is being said about him. Even if some of us have/had similar stories, OP's story is not ours and the key players aren't the same, either. So, we will never truly know the whole story to be able to give her a clear answer.0 -
2010-568 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 6Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/25/2016
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 14Y Probation 05/06/2011 05/05/2031
2010-69 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2011-15 PONT Attempting To Elude Police Officer (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
2011-15 PONT Running A Roadblock (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
Here is his partial record. This isn't all...trust me. His record is longer than my college transcript.
Gah! Stop. Stop this whole thread. You're really not making good decisions posting all this here. If you are making better decisions now than you were when you were younger as you say, surely you can see that this isn't the place.
Exactly. This doesn't make OP any better for airing his records.0 -
His actions may be connected with the upcoming parole hearing. He may just be trying to show he is a concerned father so the parole board will have sympathy. Get an attorney that has experience in this area, knows your state laws, etc...0
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I need some clarification then... what exactly is "typical" about wanting to protect children from the possibility of being rejected by a father who is clearly very likely to do just that?
the problem is that you don't get to "protect" them from possible future rejections. if she had a case where she thought he would be physically abusive then by all means, keep that *kitten* away. but she's basically like, "he'll be there one day and won't be around for the long haul". That's just how life works, sorry.0 -
Double Tap
just kidding of course
get legal advice0 -
2010-568 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 6Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/25/2016
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 14Y Probation 05/06/2011 05/05/2031
2010-69 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2011-15 PONT Attempting To Elude Police Officer (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
2011-15 PONT Running A Roadblock (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
Here is his partial record. This isn't all...trust me. His record is longer than my college transcript.
Gah! Stop. Stop this whole thread. You're really not making good decisions posting all this here. If you are making better decisions now than you were when you were younger as you say, surely you can see that this isn't the place.
Oh, geezers...0 -
Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?
Or even better... this.
How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.
If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?
The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.
Typical.
You know nothing about me or my situation.
My ex is very much like the OP described, except that I married him, he finally managed to get to a point where he could avoid going to jail/prison. I have bent over backwards for him to have access to his children. He still doesn't. And he is always looking for some flaw in my parenting so that he can get out of child support. He doesn't care if his actions cause his kids to end up in a foster home because he is not smart enough to realize that he would still have to pay child support.
The kids have a good man to be their father. And odds are, they will want the man raising them to adopt them. Bio-dad needs to prove that this really matters to him, and fight for those kids.
This isn't about you or your situation. I stick with my "typical" comment.
I need some clarification then... what exactly is "typical" about wanting to protect children from the possibility of being rejected by a father who is clearly very likely to do just that?
Your response is what I was calling typical. I mean typical as in jumping to the conclusion that she should petition to have his parental rights taken and your reasoning for this advice was even more typical "My ex is very much like the OP described" :noway:0 -
I'd hire a lawyer, as suggested, but I'd also hire a therapist for your kids.0
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We hear here about all of his shortcomings, which eventually led to prison.
But we hear nothing about yours. There's always 2 sides to a story. Are you really that picture perfect? (this was not meant to offend, only to offer a differing opinion)
I am a strong supporter of the rights of biological fathers and firmly have an opinion that where there are "deadbeat" parents (dad implied here), there is an enabler on the other side allowing these actions to occur.
Until those children are of age (technically 18) it is your sole responsibility to engage the interaction with their father. You admitted, you were stupid. He is admitting that now too. Prison - go figure - may have worked for him. Hey! Imagine that...the system working!
And child support...what do you need that for? You are married, the children are very well taken care of and embraced by your husband. What will child support prove? The fact the the shoes you buy for them will be bought by him/their father? That essentially puts more $$ in your pocket. So you have a father, wanting to get back into their lives and you want him to pay to have access to them? Maybe, just maybe he did change, will become part of their lives, and without the child support payments you will see him contributing to their lives in many ways. It is your responsibility to be a parent, a person, hope for the best, continually in the eyes of your children, and engage the interaction. If he doesn't reciprocate, then truly he can be labeled a deadbeat.
Without your response, you will be enabling the distance. The children will grow and become their own person, and may see this some day. Heck, they may even want to go stay with their dad. You will call it rebellion. They will say they just want to see their dad. And guess what, there is no disrespect to your husband. None intended as he should have known all of this before he entered a relationship with you. Yes, it may hurt, but if he is as good as you say (I believe he may be) then he has nothing to worry about. They will always come back to him, and the memories won't fade like he may be thinking.
Sometimes 3 parents works out. Gotta let it, don't force it. Let it happen. Think...take a breath sometimes. Let it happen.0 -
I'd hire a lawyer, as suggested, but I'd also hire a therapist for your kids.
This. Money very well spent.0 -
1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
Sorry, but he is their father and you cannot keep him from them. Legally, child support and visitation are not supported - barring some crazy circumstances, you cannot keep a man from his children. It isn't your place to "let" him in.0 -
Pretend you never got the letter. I am in a similar situation. Deadbeat will always be deadbeat especially spending time in prison where he would not have had the chance to be around his own kids or any other kids for that matter. Sperm donor is all he is. That is exactly the way I feel about my problem too. Fortunately, my child is old enough to realize the loser he is too so her heart is broken, but her life is better off without him.
True story.0 -
I guess I just always assumed that since there was no legal visitation in order I could control when and if he ever saw them. I had a police officer tell me once that I could file kidnapping charges against him for taking my children without my consent since he didn't have a court order to see them and they didn't know who he was.
He can just file for visitation if you do that and he WILL get it. Of course he can't take them without your consent, but you also cannot refuse consent unreasonably.0 -
you need legal adivce.
And whatever is right for your kids is what you need to do.
Good luck!0 -
1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
Sorry, but he is their father and you cannot keep him from them. Legally, child support and visitation are not supported - barring some crazy circumstances, you cannot keep a man from his children. It isn't your place to "let" him in.
Agree with this 100%.
My father didn't want to see me till I was 18 and he was sure to not pay child support. You would think on my 18th birthday I would not want to see him but I bought a plane ticket to Butler, PA with my first job to meet him.
It didn't matter what kind of drug using, drunk, @sshole folks thought of him from his past or that he didn't want to see me. I had a stepdather who raised me since age 5 and is still the man I call dad.
My point is that you can't shelter children from their biological father. And if they have a step dad that loves them, nothing will change that.
Children have a right to know who their father is no matter how much of a dead beat anyone else may think he is.
**edited to say this was just my personal opinion as the kid in this situation and how it will not discredit any love the stepfather to those kids has provided by letting them know who their biological father is.0 -
2010-568 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 6Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/25/2016
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 14Y Probation 05/06/2011 05/05/2031
2010-69 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2011-15 PONT Attempting To Elude Police Officer (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
2011-15 PONT Running A Roadblock (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
Here is his partial record. This isn't all...trust me. His record is longer than my college transcript.
Gah! Stop. Stop this whole thread. You're really not making good decisions posting all this here. If you are making better decisions now than you were when you were younger as you say, surely you can see that this isn't the place.
Oh, geezers...
Seriously though! Not to mention the convictions are all from one event. He got drunk, stole a car, and then tried to evade the police..... that's how sentencing works, they tack on convictions as they see fit.
This whole thread, not to mention your behavior, are just bizarre. That's the second time I've said it because I'm really baffled by them both.0 -
Child support & visitation are 2 separate issues. My ex & I have a son together, & we loved each other so much the breakup was a nasty bitter ending. I've made my mistakes & gone mia for various reasons (most drug & alcohol related). I have been clean for 5 yrs. It has been my experience that when I am an active part of my sons life, I find it easier to maintain my commitment to being a responsible, productive member of society, that bond sometimes keeps me focused when I experience minor setbacks along the way.
If you keep them from him, you'll be the bad guy & they will forever resent you for it.
If you create a stable environment for them to get to know him (a great example of this is a regularly scheduled visit @ a public place). That way you decide when to leave & he gets an opportunity. They'll figure out who he really is, & you won't have to do a thing.
Have faith in the moral & values you've instilled in your children; & give them a chance to practice them.0 -
This thread....
Seriously you have two options that are reasonable:
1. Be proactive, get a lawyer, and have a custody agreement drawn up while he is still in jail.
or
2. Do absolutely nothing. Let him figure out that he doesn't need your permission for visitation and let him petition the court.
If you go with option one, you have way more control. If you go with two, the likelihood of him doing that is low if he is actually still a deadbeat.
What you absolutely should do is have age appropriate conversations with your children.0 -
This thread....
Seriously you have two options that are reasonable:
1. Be proactive, get a lawyer, and have a custody agreement drawn up while he is still in jail.
or
2. Do absolutely nothing. Let him figure out that he doesn't need your permission for visitation and let him petition the court.
If you go with option one, you have way more control. If you go with two, the likelihood of him doing that is low if he is actually still a deadbeat.
What you absolutely should do is have age appropriate conversations with your children.
I agree with all of this... and OP... I rarely am in agreement with this poster!!0
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