Ex dumped me because I was too fat
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I was in a very abusive relationship also (marriage). the abusse causes you to operate in survivor mode - you can't think, you can't plan, you can't make logical or healthy choices. it's all about putting one foot in front of the other and getting trhough the day.
I can tell you that therapy was very helpful to me - helped me have the guts to stand up for myself and for my son. Every day since the day we left that SOB has been better than the day before. you will be fine - take it one day at a time. give yourself credit for something every single day - somethign that you did. smile at yourself.do nice things for YOU.0 -
You dated someone with a rapist mindset...
Try to get over it, in my personal experience I'd lose some weight, motivates me a lot even if it's just a small number and barely visible on the body, like I have a surge of self confidence for weeks after stepping on a scale and realizing I'm doing better or after feeling much healthier than usual. I assume many others have that too.0 -
He didn't dump you because you were too fat. He dumped you because he's an *kitten*, and despite himself, he did you a huge favor. You should have dumped him. But since you didn't, at least you can avoid letting anyone else treat you anything like that again. Good luck!0
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Oh gosh. I can't even imagine what that must have been like. But the good news is you're out now.
But now you get to start living for you again. Surround yourself with loving people and honestly, report that guy. A man like that should not be allowed to be a personal trainer...0 -
Get counseling. Yesterday.
I'm sorry this has all happened in your life.0 -
Throw a party and celebrate this jerk's exit from your life and enjoy going solo for awhile while mending your heart, spirit, and mind ;-)0
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Wow what a jerk, sorry to hear that OP. Good luck in the future!0
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look your way way better off that kind of behavior only escalates. work on your self esteem your better than that0
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Get a therapist. Otherwise, you will likely go running back to him because you are not addressing your own needs. We all try to fill the sucking void in our own hearts with external things. Men, women, sex, money, shoes, cars, houses, etc. It simply doesn't work.
Take care of yourself so that you have a complete happy package to offer the next person. Stop the cycle now.
Everyone can blame the guy for being an assh0le, which he is, but you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. No person or thing can cultivate that for you. Only you.
Otherwise, enjoy life in manipulative relationships. By ignoring your own well-being you've earned it.
Sorry. You have plenty of people patting your hand and telling you it will be ok. It will. You just have to do something.
Start with a therapist.
I agree with this. It's put more bluntly than I would have said it, but the truth is in there.
I stayed with an abuser for 3 years, and this was 11 years ago. I was always one of the "if any man ever hits me, I'm out of there in a second" girls, until I found myself trapped in the abusive relationship. Abusers are good at getting what they want by fear, isolation, and physical and emotional abuse. When you are so beat down that you can't even see past your abuser, there is no rational way to get yourself out of the relationship. It's embarassing to admit, but the only way I got out is because he was arrested and sent to jail (I wish I could say because of me, but it was due to unrelated charges). I spent 8 years trying to handle the emotions and the memories on my own, and it didn't work. I saw him around every corner, heard his voices in conversations everywhere, and flinched anytime someone came at me too quickly.
It wasn't until I went to a couselor for completely unrelated stuff that I opened up about the abuse and found the closure I needed, and figured out how to finally close that chapter and move on once and for all. Counseling is a definite must for being able to successfully repair your self esteem, self worth, self image and move on to being truly happy.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey
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Frankly, I don't think you should worry about the weight right now. When you are ready you will know. I think you should find a good therapist who deals with people coming out of abuse situations. You need to heal emotionally before hitting the weight loss really hard. Sure try to eat healthy, but mostly just take care of your emotional health and be nice to yourself.0
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Your ex dumping you was a blessing. It's not because you're fat - it is because he's a freaking nut job. I agree with the others that suggested counseling - whatever made you think this guy was worthy of your time needs to be addressed. Good luck! :flowerforyou:0
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I would like to second the counseling bit, not just for any issues that still stem from the relationship but also for problems with food that you are bound to have after having that scum mess with your head all those years. Make sure you know that you can handle weight loss stuff in a healthy way.0
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I'm at work so I couldn't read the whole thread, but just in case it hasn't been said several times, I really think you need to seek out counseling or a support group. This was an abusive relationship, and your mind, heart, body, and soul are damaged from it. It will be very hard for you to get into a healthy state of being after an experience like this. It is very likely that you will end up in another bad relationship, because your sense of worth and ability to set boundaries and care for yourself were so terribly compromised during these past years.
This is in no way your fault, but you need tools and help learning how to recognize red flags and how to rebuild your life. Please, please, get a referral from your doctor or a trusted source. There are free/low cost ways to get help. Don't try to recover from this alone. Many people live out the same nightmare relationships over and over because they haven't been able to break out of the cycle of abuse. Please get help. You deserve true and lasting change in your life.0 -
A man, like the one you've described, is about control. Control alone. When you evaluate his actions as it related to you, you see it wasn't about helping you as it was about his having control OVER you. He's physically gone, but you're letting him rent space in your head. Until you evict him from your thoughts, depression will linger (my ex wasn't abusive in the way you described. He was a shopper and a cheater).
I was once depressed from a bad relationship (not abusive in the same manner you've described) that lasted from high school sweetheart days up to 10 years in marriage. So "wasting" four years is nothing compared to having wasted the years of my life after giving birth to my two wonderful sons (during my bad marriage). "Wasting" is relative when you consider what your take-aways are from your bad relationship. Learn from those 4 years and determine to not repeat them with anyone else.
Take back control over your thoughts. See yourself through FORGIVEN eyes, be gentle with yourself and then get serious about what YOU want for your life. I had to see myself through my Savior's eyes before I found value in myself (yes, I'm a Christian and was the only way out of my depression). It was only then that I was able to find someone (I'm recently -4 years-married to a most wonderful man now) who saw me as nothing but beautiful and something to be cherished (whether I was 227 or 127lbs). No ONE person is going to give you what you need. What you need must come from within... but you first have to clean house (evict that jerk from your thoughts!) .
I'm sorry for sounding so forceful in my comments... I'm just passionate about this I guess. Will pray for you. I know you will find YOUR way. Start with step 1 and keep moving forward...then someday you'll look back momentarily and see how far you've come! 0 -
I can't believe the amount of people that have delt with the same thing as me....I really appreciate all the advice and kind words. I'm definitely never seeing the guy again. I'm just disappointed in myself for letting him get to me the way he did. I mean, I've never been in this kind of relationship, I've been fat, but my weight has never really been an issue with any guy. I know I'm smart, have a pretty decent personality, etc, and I saw what he was doing to me, yet I still let it happen and I have no idea why. My parents raised me to be strong and confident, and I changed. I am definitely looking into therapy....I've been thinking about therapy for a while, I think I've just been in such a state of depression and shock that I couldn't think of anything else. I never want to be in this kind of situation ever again. For 4 years, he told me I was the problem, and it's nice to see an outsiders view. It explains a lot, like why he tried to turn me against family and friends and tried to isolate me from people. I know it's classic behaviour, and I fell for it even though I knew. 0
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I would suggest therapy to help you move on after being in an abusive relationship and to learn to love yourself. I pity anyone he ends up being a personal trainer for, too.0
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I mean, in the back of my mind I know there isn't anything really wrong with me, but every single thing he said keeps coming back to me. I want to stay motivated, but I have no idea how to
Those memories and thoughts will fade with time.0 -
Sounds like you got rid of some dead weight right there. You should have dumped the abusive SOB.
My thoughts exactly.
Start new conversations with yourself. Tell yourself good things and write them down. Get counseling if you can. He is gone now. Don't let him and his abusive ways have any influence in your life.
I wish you all the best!
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Thanks everyone for the positive messages. It's just so hard to get my confidence back. I mean, in the back of my mind I know there isn't anything really wrong with me, but every single thing he said keeps coming back to me. I want to stay motivated, but I have no idea how to
You are a pretty young woman who deserves much, much better. Just start with one thing that you know you can stay with until the end. One you know you can complete. When that one's done, choose another. Sweetheart, take baby steps.0 -
I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I was daily berated about my weight even told I was fat at size 10. What happened throughout the course of our marriage. I gained even more weight. Over 200 lbs of weight gain. I am disabled and it didn't stop him from torturing me and constantly putting me down. Even after we divorced I still lived with the shame and lack of confidence thinking I was ugly and worthless even though people around me told me I wasn't I had a hard time belieiving it myself. I then went through a similar short lived situation with a man for about 9 months. I said ENOUGH! I realized I needed professional help to get me through this so I would not do it again and learn to value and love myself. After this last stint with this other man I decided to start to value myself and started to work out. Slowly but surely I began to lose weight. It has been a year and a half and I have lost 136 pounds. Working out makes you feel better, eating right makes you feel better. You are doing it for you and your health. No one else. You gain confidence, stamina strength. The strength part I think you already have because you got out of the relationship. But really along with taking care of your body and health, take care of your mind. Seek out counseling. There are some great counselors out there who can help you through this. Remember it is a whole health thing. If you're mind is messed up it will be harder to do the exercise so take care of you and that's what counselors are there for. If you want to friend me for support I'll be right here. I pray you get through this hard time in your life. Believe me with the proper treatment it can get better.0
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Please please get some psychological help.
What happened to you was horrible, no matter how sweet he was at times. It was an abuse. He has some serious control issues that he needs an outlet for. Whether you realize it or not, your natural inclinations towards behavior has been altered, and you can't just fix that on your own. Sometimes you can if you can recognize the behaviors that stem from this experience, but not everyone can do that.
I wish you all the best. You are a beautiful person and deserve far better than you got from that relationship.0 -
Don't EVEN begin feeling sad about yourself. That was an abusive relationship and, honey, you deserve better.
There's somebody out there who's gonna think the sun shines out of your butt, and actually makes you become a better person.
50% chance he'll have a bigger penis, too.0 -
I can't believe the amount of people that have delt with the same thing as me....I really appreciate all the advice and kind words. I'm definitely never seeing the guy again. I'm just disappointed in myself for letting him get to me the way he did. I mean, I've never been in this kind of relationship, I've been fat, but my weight has never really been an issue with any guy. I know I'm smart, have a pretty decent personality, etc, and I saw what he was doing to me, yet I still let it happen and I have no idea why. My parents raised me to be strong and confident, and I changed. I am definitely looking into therapy....I've been thinking about therapy for a while, I think I've just been in such a state of depression and shock that I couldn't think of anything else. I never want to be in this kind of situation ever again. For 4 years, he told me I was the problem, and it's nice to see an outsiders view. It explains a lot, like why he tried to turn me against family and friends and tried to isolate me from people. I know it's classic behaviour, and I fell for it even though I knew.
^This was me a year ago. I could not think, I believed everything that he said to me. I believed I was the problem. I believed I was ruining my children. I believed I was all the things he told me. I hated myself. Just like you, my parents did not raise me that way. I was raised to be strong, and independent. He also attempted to isolate me from my friends and family. I work in the medical field and have taken Psych classes and had domestic violence training, for crying out loud. I had the same thoughts. How could I be so blinded not to see what was really happening?
That is what therapy will help you with. You have to remember YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Write it on a 3x5 card and tape it to your mirror if you have to. I still struggle with keeping that in mind, but it is getting better.0 -
I know I'm smart, have a pretty decent personality, etc, and I saw what he was doing to me, yet I still let it happen and I have no idea why. My parents raised me to be strong and confident, and I changed.
It explains a lot, like why he tried to turn me against family and friends and tried to isolate me from people. I know it's classic behaviour, and I fell for it even though I knew.
I have a friend who was in a similar situation, and she is one of the strongest, smartest people I know. Yet she let the guy get away with all of these things as well. He pulled her away from all of her friends, because he knew that we would point out of all the things that were so obviously wrong in their relationship. And she let him get away with it. So don't feel like this is your fault. He manipulated you and brainwashed you. But it's over now, and if you get therapy, you can get over it.
What you need to realize is that there are men out there who will love you for you, no matter what size you are. They may encourage you to eat healthy or work out because they care about your health, but it will be for that reason only. That's what true love is about. And they will idolize you for the true beauty that is within you, and that's how you deserve to be treated, so don't settle for anything less! :flowerforyou:0 -
You should be celebrating. The guy is a jerk. You should be thrilled to be without him. Good luck.0
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I went into a relationship knowing that my weight was an issue. For 6 years, I "pushed through it" and tried to make the best of it, knowing he was more sexually attracted to other women. After we fell in love, he told me he didn't think about it anymore but would still make some snide comments now and then.
Fast forward to now: I am in a relationship with a man who completely loves me as I am. He will love me just the same if I am 100 lbs lighter or if I gain all the weight back I lost plus some. The point is, you deserve to have and feel that kind of love. When you live with something/someone for so long that the bad things just because the normal things, you should take a look back and re-evaluate your life.
You are worth so much more than that and you can and will move on and accomplish your goals! First step is believing in yourself and not settling for anything less than the best.0 -
Attitude is 10% of what happens to us and 90% what we do with it. Listen to some :"my ex is an A**HOLE songs" burn all his *kitten* and move on. You are better with out him! Trust me on this. And weight loss has to be for you! NO ONE ELSE can make that choice for you. You are beautiful and need to figure out how to love yourself and maybe how to hit him with a car
Yes crazy woman I know hehehe (evil laugh) 0 -
So I read through this and while I agree wholeheartedly with the positive responses for you, I just would like to add, that if it were me in the situation: I would shame his *kitten*. Everywhere. To his parents and family, to his new girlfriend, to the f**king internet. Then I would seriously consider finding someone bigger than him to treat him to a little of what he dished out. There would be hell to pay and he would sorely regret the day he ever decided to abuse me. That may be a bit of an overreaction, or maybe I'm a little psycho myself, but it would be all the therapy I would need. I am so mad for you OP I wish I could kick his *kitten* on your behalf.0
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ex's are for a reason....I think of it like this ...sometimes we make decisions and take a detour in the map of life that's set for us already....*the right person for you is out there* get yourself together and work on your health both mind and body and that person will come along.... :flowerforyou: do not concentrate on this guy or anything regarding him cut ties and move on and that means with his family and everything unless you have children together...keeping ties and bitterness will only block that positive person coming your way.0
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For 4 years, he told me I was the problem, and it's nice to see an outsiders view. It explains a lot, like why he tried to turn me against family and friends and tried to isolate me from people.
Isolation. Typical abusive behaviour. Along with 'gaslighting' - making you question reality (and therefore your own sanity). Plus the endless, insidious cutting comments. Interspersed (less regularly over time) with times of affection, playfulness and intimacy.
Remember these people don't have any friends (they wouldn't understand the concept) they have victims and allies. If you remain close with friends and family they'll discourage it, because it undermines their control.
Most abusers aren't psychos and don't have 'issues' (no more than anyone else anyway) they're just cunning men who justify their own behaviour however they can because they MUST win. At all costs.
They get the allies on their side usually by telling lies and 'playing' the victim - they can even worm their way into turning your friends and family against you. And obviously all their colleagues take their side as they hear nothing else except bad things about the 'crazy' borderline woman who is making this poor guy's life a misery.
And when it ends his new girlfriend will believe you were a totally insane 'b' after listening to his description of you. She will do everything she can to make sure she doesn't behave like you did. Already she's started to be controlled. Before too long, she will be his next victim.
Oh and for the people saying 'You should have dumped him years ago' - it isn't like that. Abusers aren't stupid. They don't go on a first date and tell the girl she looks overweight, smash her wine glass in a temper and twist her arm to make her 'STFU'. Who would go out with THAT person again?0
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