Bridezilla, weight loss sabotage? Or common sense.
Replies
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Hey Guys and Girls,
I've spoken about this before but i guess i really have no idea what to do about this or what my options are, if i'm out of line or if my sister is. I guess i really feel like i've lost motivation because i'm being guilt tripped into stopping my fitness for my sister wedding.
As some of you know my sister is getting married and she asked me to be her bridesmaid. After many weeks of saying i wasn't really up for the role, she showed me the dresses we had to wear, said it will all be nice and easy, so i finally agreed to do it.
Before i had agree to this i was 215-220lbs overweight and was told if i didn't lose this i may risk not being able to have children as well as i was at risk for diabetes. So i started a nutritional science course and joined MFP. My sister found out i was losing weight and sent me a TxT saying i have to stop or the dress won't fit. This was 14months before the wedding.. before any dresses were purchased. She then went on to tell me the dresses were going to be purchased ASAP and i would have to stop. This telling me i have to stop went on for a few months but thanks to people telling me to keep going and ignore her...i'm around 160 still overweight, out of danger, glad i didn't stop. I really don't want to stop any time soon.
I'm now paying for the dress as my sister said it would be my way of helping her out. >.< So i asked if it would be okay, if i we're to continue my health and pay for the dress size to be altered closer to the date, which i would happily pay for, so i could continue my fitness as i don't want to hold off my health for another 9 months+. And she went off the handles asking me why i can't wait until after her wedding to lose the rest of the weight, telling me i'm stupid and it's a waste of time and money and i should just be happy that i get to be her bridesmaid.
Any who the dress she picked changed again. We are to buy them at the end of this month... Even though the wedding is 9-10months away. She chose the opposite of what she wanted and what the other bridesmaids were happy with. It's now short, grey high round neckline. One of the bridesmaids left, stating my sister was clearly trying to dress us to look like garbage and pay for a $250 dress we'd never wear again. + $100 for alteration considering we'd have it way before the wedding date.... if she'd even let us alter them.
The matron of honor sent me an email a week ago telling me she is about to take a holiday during the wedding as she doesn't want to see a friendship end over my sisters rudeness....Her name is Elly she is 46years old and is a little self conscious and agreed she'd be the matron as the dress that was picked was long and covered her legs and wasn't revealing.. The other bridesmaid agreed to liking the first dress as it suited her body type being very top heavy and was the reason she was okay with paying for it, but she didn't want to have to buy this new dress she'd never wear again.. So i had a chat to my sister over the phone updating her about how getting the others to like the new dress was going and i mentioned they we're okay but a little upset the length, colour, style, material changed and she didn't talk to them about it before she made the change and she went nuts! "Who says any of this has to be about them! IT'S MY WEDDING!" They can where what they want at THEIR stupid weddings. Tell them to suck it up.
We had another brides party meeting yesterday and my sister announced we have to have our hair cut short or tight in a bun. No light hair colours. The shoes have to be open pep toe stilettos, orange and we have to also buy them. Her reason for picking pep toe was.."The shoes have to be open pep toe because it's winter and they are the best option" The last bridesmaid is no longer apart of the brides party she sent us all an email last night explaining why she is no longer available..
I am now the only 1 in the bridesmaid party. The matron of honor is pretty keen on leaving. I really don't care if she dresses me up like a clown, i'm just concerned for her asking me to stop my fitness.. And i'm pretty annoyed i'm looking at paying $500+ for clothing i will NEVER wear again.
What do i do? I don't want to be apart of her mind games anymore, i really don't want to spend $500+ on wedding clothing i will never wear again. And i would at least like to be able to alter the dress..but i'm not allow to. I don't want to feel guilty that i'm getting my life back on track, i want to continue my fitness yet this is making me feel horrible. Have you got family members or loved ones trying to stop you from your goals? Any advice? I'm damned if i do i'm damned if i don't. =(
I have taken the liberty of highlighting all the statements that prove your sister is cray cray. Several options:
1) Feel free to print this out and show it to her fiance and BAM...no wedding.
2) Bow out of the wedding as the other two already have since you are the last bridesmaid left you have amazing leverage to negotiate your terms when she realizes she will be walking down the aisle to a line up of all ushers and NO bridesmaids or anythings of honor. (bonus points if the realization of this causes her to elope...hey that's an idea maybe you can start leaving elope stories and mag articles around her house...plant the seed.)
3) The second idea that came out of this was agree to everything she says regarding the dresses and then maneuver to end up at your dress appointments alone and just don't actually order anything until the last minute but in the meantime buy the loyalty of the dress shop keeping ur secret by pre-purchasing your shoes and purse and accessories since those aren't likely to rely on size.
4) Have her 51/50'd, final option.
Everytime I hear a bridezilla story I'm always surprised anyone wants to marry that.
P.S. OP I remember you and I think I gave you good advice in earnest but forget what it was. Fact your still having problems indicates that you probably didn't listen to me because as you can see my solutions are usually pretty final. Hopefully your committment to yourself has resulted in so much weight loss, so many compliments and so much gym and workout badas.sery that your confidence is sky high and so is your mojo and you are now in such a high state of self esteem as to carry out my current advice with no problem whatsoever.
ETA: Do NOT cut your hair. If she says that ONE MORE TIME...cut her's. The end. I swear, I'm done here this girl is just a train wreck I can't beleive how some families can have such opposite people in them. On the one hand we have a girl who listens to her Dr's and gets herself to healthy in spite of the hyoogest sabotate in the world and on the other hand we have a monster in a white dress. *smh* Could this be the result of favoritism?0 -
Live
Your
Own
Life
The bride is supposed to look better than everyone, she is the one that gets the best dress and the ring and the guy remember ?
But she should not, WILL NOT , look better than you if that means you need to but your personal weight and health goals on hold just to be the fast bridesmaid.
You need to carry on, buy the dress in several sizes too small and slim into it.
If she is mad with you, then that is her problem, not yours.
^^totally this. I just got married for the second time in July of 2011.. both times I made it important to not only get the color I wanted but the style that was most flattering on the girls. Most of my girls both times were big girls and I wanted them to feel and look sexy on the day. You can always get the dress altered, and you DO NOT have to only go the place where the dress has been purchased. YOu need to keep going on your weight loss/lifestyle change journey.. you can never stop. It is when I did stop is when I gained all my weight I had lost back plus some. SHe is being a b word and you know it. Just smile and nod when it comes to her and her demands then do what the hell you want to do. Its just one day, I know it gets stressful but geez. Perhaps she is feeling a bit jealous you may show her up? NOt sure but its your life, just stop discussing it with her when it comes to weightloss or eating healthy. Manage to change the subject/redirect, etc. I am sure because its your sister you do want to make her happy but you have to draw the line. She is the one out of line and perhaps out of her mind. IF she is this way now, I would hate to even be in the same state as her on the month and worse yet- day of. AAHHHH!! Maybe she needs some stiff margarita night and soon.Good luck. (ps, the dress is an average going rate price but the shoes sound very unreasonable for sure, it is custom for the bridesmaids and maid of honors to pay for their own dresses but since you are paying it is yours to do with what you want)0 -
Some women forget that it's not the wedding that matters, really. It's the many shared years spent together that is really important. It's your sister. I understand that. So bend as far as you can on the dress. If you pay for the dress, that makes it yours and you can alter it if you want. And since you are the only one left, you don't have to worry about matching anyone else, right? It's a win-win.You shouldnt have to compromise your health for anyone. Order the dress in the size you feel you will be able to achieve. Pay for it and the alterations. If she throws a fit then tell her its this option or you will have no other choice than to not be in the wedding because you won't compromise your health for her and that you love her but you're not budging on this. Good luck!
But stand your ground on your health (and control of your own body).0 -
sounds to me like your sister was spoiled.0
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Just noticed you said "we are to buy them (the dresses) at the end of this month".
Well then the ball is in your court.
Still lots of time till the wedding. Tell her you do not have the $$ right now but will order it when you do. Then order an appropriate size that will arrive in time for the wedding and make sure the store understands YOUR dress, that YOU are paying for will not be given to the bride.
If she argues with her tell her you must regretfully step out of the wedding and she can replace you.
So really no matter what replies you get here, if you order a dress 14 months in advance, you have just let her know you will fall in line with any crazy idea she comes up with.0 -
:huh: I wouldn't worry about it.
I don't think there is a man stupid enough to marry her. :drinker:
And by the way, if you let her dictate your life you are the one with the issues...
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My sister found out i was losing weight and sent me a TxT saying i have to stop or the dress won't fit. This was 14months before the wedding.. before any dresses were purchased.
Um, no. Just no. That's unacceptable.
If the dress is that important to her, she can find another bridesmaid.We had another brides party meeting yesterday and my sister announced we have to have our hair cut short or tight in a bun. No light hair colours.
WTF? That's ridiculous and way out of line.0 -
The wedding is just the iceberg here. She's not just a bridezilla she's a womanzilla.
You have to own your part in the situation because you are enabling her bad behaviour and horrible treatment of you.
The comment she made about the impact of your weight on pregnancy is horrible. She doesn't care about you. She would rather keep you morbidly obese than have you happy and healthy. I shudder to think at the damage she has caused around her. She reminds me of the blonde girl from "Muriel's Wedding".
Seriously, these bridezillas need a feminist wake up call.
She is a Barbie doll who has had everyone cowtow to her all her life and she has an unhealthy sense of entitlement. You are threatening her with your weight loss because you might become the center of attention and she can't deal with that.
Blood is not thicker than water.
Being obese/overweight plays tricks with your self-esteem. Your self-image is way off if you have to delay your health goal for someone's wedding. Save the money for the dress to use for your fitness goals.
It doesn't matter whether she's your sister or not. It matters that she is horrible to you and not being loving.0 -
Thank you all for your support and extremely helpful advice! Every comment has helped me and i will keep coming back to read them when i start to feel down and guilt tripped again. I have anxiety so my sister is very good at controlling me which i've known for a long time. I need to man up and tell her i am always here for her but my health comes first. Next time she says something drastic again, i will listen to it all the way through and say" No, i am sorry but my health is important and i would rather have a healthy child one day then attend your wedding. I will keep up my doctor appointments and my fitness until i am deemed healthy." And end it at that. It's not rude at all... i hope. Definitely better then the email the bridesmaid sent... Which my sister has now asked me to remove her from FB... I'll pst it below. I really don't want to remove her though...
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Sorry I will not be attending the Wedding. I fear this will only result in the end of a friendship if we continue down this path despite the damage already done. At this point in your life you are not mature or caring enough to have Bridesmaids.
A Bridesmaid is meant to be those closest to you, the girls in your life who you love, who you trust to give you away to your new partner. Not the women in your life you want to humiliate on your day to feel better about yourself. We have been so patient with you, ******* and I stayed as long as we could handle it but it is far too stressful.
My reasons why
You can’t expect to charge us a new billed item every time you change your mind with out even consulting us first.
You are intentionally trying to push us by telling us we will be buying ridiculously price items none of us will ever wear again as they do not suit us.
You refused to even let us in to discuss as a group or look at any of the things a bridesmaid party would.
You change the rules every time we have a meeting, you’ve changed the dresses monthly to more expensive more appalling dresses.
********* over heard you laughing telling your fiancé how hideous ***** looked it the current dress you chose. That’s why she left before I had the common sense to.
Honestly does this sound like how a Bride should treat her Bridesmaids? No.
Would you be okay if I was to treat you this way? No.
I wish you all the best and many happy years with your partner to be. I am truly sorry it has come to this and I hope your magical day goes perfectly.
Regretfully
****** *****0 -
Your health HAS to come first. If she doesn't understand this then God help her future spouse and her marriage, she doesn't sound ready for one.
Stand up and fight! You're not the rude one, she is.0 -
X2I have a solution......
Buy the dress in the size that fits today.
Keep up the exercise and diet.
On the day of the wedding, wear the dress, over a 'proper sized' dress, and padd it out with cushions, old car tires, whatever you need to really fill it.
At the end of the ceremony, strip off the dress and the cushions and hold your head up high.
She gets what she wants - fat bridesmaids
You get healthy and you get to play the ultimate Eff-You card at the end too
- This is how I would play it, but then I am not known for being shy and retiring.....
BAHAHA !!
Win!!!!0 -
X2I have a solution......
Buy the dress in the size that fits today.
Keep up the exercise and diet.
On the day of the wedding, wear the dress, over a 'proper sized' dress, and padd it out with cushions, old car tires, whatever you need to really fill it.
At the end of the ceremony, strip off the dress and the cushions and hold your head up high.
She gets what she wants - fat bridesmaids
You get healthy and you get to play the ultimate Eff-You card at the end too
- This is how I would play it, but then I am not known for being shy and retiring.....
BAHAHA !!
Win!!!!
Haha that would be awesome!! She'd probably be very happy with that ;30 -
The only issue is i think she knows i was planning that, as she's still reminding me the dress is going to in her little hands until the day before the wedding. Hoping mum will tell her i've gained weight and i need to try it on again... Then we'll get it altered <.< >.> Feels a little bad sneaking around though =( i need to toughen up.
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If you pay for and order the dress . . . you should keep it not her. She is being a royal ***** and you need to put her in her place!0 -
There's no such thing as a good bridesmaid's dress. They're archaic, and ridiculous by nature. It's your sister's day. Let her have it.0
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X2I have a solution......
Buy the dress in the size that fits today.
Keep up the exercise and diet.
On the day of the wedding, wear the dress, over a 'proper sized' dress, and padd it out with cushions, old car tires, whatever you need to really fill it.
At the end of the ceremony, strip off the dress and the cushions and hold your head up high.
She gets what she wants - fat bridesmaids
You get healthy and you get to play the ultimate Eff-You card at the end too
- This is how I would play it, but then I am not known for being shy and retiring.....
BAHAHA !!
Win!!!!
Haha that would be awesome!! She'd probably be very happy with that ;3
this gets my vote0 -
Your sis is a psyco. Seriously run away. No wedding day is worth ruining your life.0
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There's no such thing as a good bridesmaid's dress. They're archaic, and ridiculous by nature. It's your sister's day. Let her have it.
So you're okay this poor girl is being emotionally blackmailed and abused. Told to stop losing weight and has no sympathy from the bride on the fact she may never have kids, all because it's her nutcase sisters wedding day. You have an odd outlook on how things work. That's a little concerning. Funny how some people see this as okay behavior for a bride... For a human.
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I just can't imagine....When I got married last year I let each of my bridesmaids pic the dress that suited them best. All I asked is that they each pick a different color associated with fall. They all got together, determined colors, and bought dresses they were comfortable in and suited their body types. They controlled their budget and accessories, and several have worn their dresses again for other occaisions. Each girl did their hair the way they wanted and accessorized their dress the way they wanted and I have the most beautiful, happy pictures from my wedding..with the exception that I weigh about 40 more pounds than I do now ;-)
It may be her day, but when you ask your closest friends and family to share it with you, it isn't so you can make them look so horrible they make you look better...I made a beautiful bride because I was surrounded by those that were truly happy to be a part of it and that made me happiest. No matter what she does to make others look awful she will be a horror of a bride because of her ugly attitude. Keep your head up, GET HEALTHY, and don't allow someone to poision you. You can't choose your family, and it is hard to cut the cord, but she is nothing but toxin to you. Good Luck.0 -
Your sister is out of line. Just tell her that you're going to continue getting healthy and you will have the dress altered. If she throws you off the wedding party because you set an entirely appropriate boundary, then that's what happens.0
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Your health goals are much more important than her wedding. Personally, I would be backing out of participation in the wedding. Any bride that unreasonable and demanding of the people she has selected to share her big day, does not deserve it. It is about the celebration of love, family and friendship. NOT about the production of their perfect day.0
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How is your sister normally? have you been fat all or most of your life? maybe she just looks down on you and maybe you need to just stand up to her and really say something.0
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I thought my bridezilla was bad when she told me I couldn't lose any weight 6 months before the wedding because our dresses were being hand made and the alterations would be too hard. I ingored her and lost 45 pounds in that 6 months. It's your life, it's your health and don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to get healthy...0
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Is it just me that thinks a wedding, although being the bride and grooms big day, is supposed to be a happy occasion? If no one involved is happy to be there then it's going to be a pretty dour affair and won't matter how everyone looks. The photos will tell the true story and she'll have to look back at them in years to come knowing that she made eveyones life miserable.
I'd tell her to take a step back and have a reality check or if she continues no one will be coming to her wedding. Either that or she could hire a load of models that all look how she wants them to as bridesmaids and leave you and her friends to be guests and wear what you want......or is she going to start on what the guests can/can't wear next?!
To be honest I hate that phrase anyway, a wedding is really the joining of two people in marriage it's THEIR big day not hers. How is her fiance coping with his bridezilla?
This is from someone who got married 2 months ago....it was a relaxed happy day with no stressing about things being 'perfect' and by not getting up tight everyting was indeed perfect.
Everyone gets a little anxious over big events like weddings but really this is way beyond that....is these are her true colours I'd be worried that the groom may have second thoughts about turning up himself!0 -
;3 Thanks guys and gals, She is sadly unreasonable. If i at all try to say anything to her like i need to keep losing for health reasons she will freak! Example, when i sat her down and told her i had been told i need to get to a healthy weight or i may not be able to have children she said "That's not my problem". To me that says it all about how i'm going to cope over the next 9-10months of hell.
Anything that is not 100% her way is the wrong way and if you say you're okay with what's she talking about, she will try to change it for an arguments sake. Luckily i'm fairly passive and just don't care so i nod and agree. Probably why i'm still sadly in the wedding =/ I will try to the ignorant approach. Keep losing weight.. and say 'Losing? Nah", then when it's a month to the wedding, get the dress altered. The only issue is i think she knows i was planning that, as she's still reminding me the dress is going to in her little hands until the day before the wedding. Hoping mum will tell her i've gained weight and i need to try it on again... Then we'll get it altered <.< >.> Feels a little bad sneaking around though =( i need to toughen up.
If you are the one paying for the dress, it shouldn't be put in her hands. Inform the dress shop that you will be the one to pick up the dress beause alterations will need to be made and be sure to keep your receipt. It depends on the shop as to if they are strict on pickup, but I hope they are in this case.
If you haven't ordered the dress yet, there is still time to drop out (save your sanity). She has 9 months to hopefully realize what she's done and find other bridesmaids. Sister or not, you don't deserve that treatment. Good luck.0 -
As a former wedding coordinator i can assure you she is scared, a wedding is set up as this huge *kitten* big deal , when in reality , its just a big formal party celebrating the commitment ,
but Tv shows set unrealistic expectations, the concerns you have are valid
She needs a heart to heart , often times the wedding b!tch bride is just worried about everything , from the wedding to being married, to the changes , etc . and perhaps unsure of her commitment to her partner .
you need to talk to her, politely and honestly, there is no way for you to be a member of the bridal party if she continues her behavior, your health must come first, and in this case its weight loss and your own future health ,
talk to her from the future perspective
, honey , if you affect my future like this, how can you expect me to be supportive for you and your future?!?!?!0 -
I'm clearly missing a trick here...our wedding is in just under 4 weeks and I ended up changing my whole colour scheme to suit the red dress my 9 year old tomboy bridesmaid fell in love with! Plus I bought the dress 8 weeks before the wedding in case of growth spurts...!
In my view, it's a DAY. An important day, but just a day. I'm more bothered about everyone around me being happy than pushing a "perfect wedding".
I wouldn't suggest mentioning ALL the above to your sister...but it sounds like a little perspective is needed...how perfect is this day going to be if she drives everyone away?
And to echo what others have said, your health is far more important than any of it!0 -
So.... your sister doesn't care about your health or the enrichment of your life with any potential children.
I'm just going to leave that right there and tell you to drop out. That's just...sad.0 -
We had another brides party meeting yesterday and my sister announced we have to have our hair cut short or tight in a bun. No light hair colours. The shoes have to be open pep toe stilettos, orange and we have to also buy them. Her reason for picking pep toe was.."The shoes have to be open pep toe because it's winter and they are the best option" The last bridesmaid is no longer apart of the brides party she sent us all an email last night explaining why she is no longer available.
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What do i do? I don't want to be apart of her mind games anymore, i really don't want to spend $500+ on wedding clothing i will never wear again. And i would at least like to be able to alter the dress..but i'm not allow to. I don't want to feel guilty that i'm getting my life back on track, i want to continue my fitness yet this is making me feel horrible. Have you got family members or loved ones trying to stop you from your goals? Any advice? I'm damned if i do i'm damned if i don't. =(
Telling you to wear your hair up: acceptable. Telling you what color your hair has to be: unacceptable.
Altering your dress to fit your body is completely up to you. Order it in the size you are now, and before the wedding have it fitted to whatever size you end up being. Chances are, when she sees the dress on you in a too big size she'll "force" you to alter it so her pictures won't look bad.
She's right- it's HER day. That means it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU- so feel free to live YOUR life and continue to lose weight!
How she chooses to react to your choices is up to her. If she wants to throw a fit then let her- it has nothing to do with you.0 -
Your health comes first. Period. If your sister doesn't care about that, she doesn't care about you. I hope you can find the strength to take care of yourself and keep getting healthier -- whether that means being in the wedding or not. If you can afford it, it might be useful to see a counselor to help you with your anxiety and setting boundaries.
Just for comparison, when I got married there were 4 women in the wedding party, all with different body types. I picked the color and told them to get whatever dress they wanted in that color, so that they could get whatever looked good on their body and would feel beautiful too. They did whatever they wanted with their hair and shoes.0 -
I don't understand why she is so adamant that you can't get the dress altered closer to the date? Why would she want you to look like crap in a dress that is too big for you in all her wedding pictures? That makes absolutely no sense. Is she overweight? Is it perhaps that she doesn't want to look like "the fat sister" on her wedding day?
This is exactly what i was thinking. It sounds like she wants you to stay heavy for her wedding so that she can feel better about herself.
Honestly, I'd tell her to pound sand, and that I'm happy to attend her wedding, but being a part of it isn't in the cards right now.
Sounds like a pretty awful person, to be totally honest...0
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