Please can I have some relationship advice

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  • teesfood
    teesfood Posts: 77
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    I hope the wedding isnt any time soon. This should be a happy time. Doesnt mean you wont have your moments, but questioning yourself is a clear sign that this may not be the guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The problem is we tend to become comfortable in relationships and our partners may take on that lax attitude if we are a nurturing type (this goes for men and women). He knows you arent going to require anything else out of him, therefore he's going to continue to be lazy. You giving him an ultimatum doesn't mean ish if you give in just because you cant stand to see the house messy.

    You're supposed to be marrying your PARTNER, not a child version of himself. I also agree with what many have said about counseling. If that does not work, you may seriously need to re-eval this whole scenario. Forget the fact that its been 6 yrs, forget the fact that the wedding is coming up and almost paid for. You may have alot more to worry about after you marry this person who cant meet you even halfway... Best of luck to you and a blessed future =)
  • cleotherio
    cleotherio Posts: 712 Member
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    Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.

    This.... He is who he is. Can't change him.

    True. Getting married isn't like waving a magic wand. Nothing will change.
  • mrincredible93
    mrincredible93 Posts: 146
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    It's extremely important to be able to be friends going into a marriage. It's natural to have ebbs and flows in a long term relationship. Over my 25 years with my wife, both of us have fallen out of and back into love with each other but we've always been friends and we've always stayed committed to the relationship. Commitment and liking each other are (in my opinion) more important than what people think of as "love", which is frequently confused with lust or just plain "newness". If there are behaviors you don't like, certainly get pre-marital counseling to make sure you can reach an agreement about how to deal with them. Those aren't really related to the ebbs and flows of a long term relationship other than they become the excuse for walking away from a commitment when you are in an ebb. Don't be afraid to express your needs before the marriage happens, and be willing to hear what his needs are too.
  • teesfood
    teesfood Posts: 77
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    Since you asked.........

    You are having doubts. Go with your gut. He is getting away with things like not cooking dinner when you are sick because you allow it. In sickness and in health means he should have taken care of you. If he is not doing it now.......he will not do it later.

    And why aren't you guys having sex? :huh: (Rhetorical......no need to answer)

    Re-read your post sweetie! Pretend you are the recipient and not the writer........What would you do???

    Good luck :flowerforyou:

    Amen!
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    good advice here, but to me it sounds like while you may love him, you are not in love with him. relationships take work and being easy going does not excuse you from putting in your fair share.
  • huango
    huango Posts: 1,007 Member
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    ... If you are not happy with the situation now, don't go thinking that marriage will change him, because it won't.

    My friend was in a very similar situation and she made the very difficult decision to call off the wedding just a few months before the wedding day.
    She is now happily married to a wonderful man.

    You deserve someone wonderful who is on the same page as you are.

    Amanda
  • Ready2Rock206
    Ready2Rock206 Posts: 9,488 Member
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    Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.

    100% this.

    If you marry him, you are accepting all his habits.

    Yep.

    Sometimes love just isn't enough.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
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    You have to sit down with yourself, and really think about if you want to deal with this your whole life. He's laid back, but he loves you. He doesn't clean up, but he pays his share of the bills. I take care of the bills (the dispersing of our communal bills with both our pay checks), but he does other things. He cleans, like a champ. I've never met a cleaner guy. Mine's pretty laid back as well, but he still does stuff. Has he always been mothered? Did his mother enable this behavior? Or, did he become like this because you gave up on letting him do it himself?

    This is what I struggle with. I've come from an abusive relationship so by God I know I could do so much worse. So should I appreciate him for what he DOES bring to our relationship, rather than berating him for what he doesn't?

    As for the mothering side, I just don't know. His mother died when he was 22 and it hit him very hard and he went off the rails for a while. This was before I met him. I don't know if that is related in any way at all, I could be well off the mark, but he won't talk about it to me or anyone.
  • babyj0
    babyj0 Posts: 531 Member
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    If you are having doubts, you're probably not ready to deal with it. I honestly don't think people will ever change. It's sad..

    Maybe you guys should try counselling?
  • Kevalicious99
    Kevalicious99 Posts: 1,131 Member
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    Think you need to sit him down and talk to him.

    Maybe also go on strike about doing his washing etc - you are both working so you should both do the chores. Just put yourself in his shoes - Would you do the chores when there is someone else 'willing' to take over. Yes he is treating you like his mum but you are also allowing him to do it.

    Well said .... he needs to step up and make some real effort in the relationship. He isn't doing this now ... and I can see why you feel like his mother, that's cause really you are at this point.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    I agree with the counseling suggestion. Is he depressed? Does he smoke too much weed? Have you guys talked about why you aren't having sex? Have you sat down and asked him to do more around the house? You have to communicate! Make an arrangement that if you cook, he does the dishes, or he's responsible for dinner twice a week. You clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. It may take some "nagging" but nagging is much better than resentment.
  • born2drum
    born2drum Posts: 731 Member
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    Sounds like he's depressed. Something is not right with him. I was in a relationship where sex was non-existant with the stupid ex gf always claiming she was tired. However, she worked at most 10hour shifts and I worked 9, plus school, plus gym, plus music and still made **** work. Some people just have no drive whatsoever and it's often best to let them be.

    Goo ahead and continue about your own business until the light bulb turns on, if ever. If not, I'm sorry to say but you should probably end the marriage.

    NO SEX IS NO LIFE WORTH LIVING :drinker:
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    I agree with the counseling suggestion. Is he depressed? Does he smoke too much weed? Have you guys talked about why you aren't having sex? Have you sat down and asked him to do more around the house? You have to communicate! Make an arrangement that if you cook, he does the dishes, or he's responsible for dinner twice a week. You clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. It may take some "nagging" but nagging is much better than resentment.

    Surely you mean leave without another thought?! How dare you be reasonable?!
  • Mythril
    Mythril Posts: 146 Member
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    No sex? Well then, dear. You are his mother. You are in a boyfriend/girlfriend/engagement. There are certain things that define this. Are you looking for a friend? Or a lover? Relationships shouldn't be hard, if it doesn't feel right then it isn't. That was the best advice my father ever gave to me. Right before I went down the aisle I whispered "I can't believe I'm doing this." and he said "Does it feel right?" and I said "Oh, yes!" and he said "Then it is right." He would know after 2 failed marriages and the last one very abusive on his children. He said when he married my step mom it felt all wrong.

    My relationship with my husband is much like yours. He doesn't do any of the calling or bill paying. In the beginning we were both working and I was doing all of the cleaning on my own. He would tag along for laundry and groceries but he would whine most of the time and drag his feet on the way there. Now I don't have a job and I'm happy to be doing all of these things. Also we don't have children yet. We want them but we are waiting for a house. We have been together 5 years, married for 2 of them. Sex is important to us, it is a way for us to connect and when I'm feeling insecure it's very important. If you're not having it then there is a problem connecting. And also communication is important. If he is unwilling to communicate it isn't going to work! My husband, although he works my nerves some times, has things that he does that are important to me. He carries in ALL the groceries BY HIMSELF when he's home. (Most days I go in the morning when he's working so he isn't there when I get home with them.) He reaches things that are too high for me to reach. When it rains he goes into the house to fetch the umbrella and bring it back out for me to use on the way in the house (it's silly but he insists.) He kisses me all over the face when he goes into work. He carries the laundry basket up the stairs for me. He feeds the cats every morning. He always finds my phone at the end of the day and plugs it in for me so it's charged the next day. Anything that breaks he fixes it (but I have to nag, but he told me I'd have to nag him in the beginning.) And he listens to me whine, which I do ALL THE TIME. All of these things are important to me and they show me he's in this relationship too.

    No sex? Or nearly no sex? No communication? No nothing? That's not a relationship, and if you are unhappy it needs to change.
  • babyj0
    babyj0 Posts: 531 Member
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    Sounds like he's depressed. Something is not right with him. I was in a relationship where sex was non-existant with the stupid ex gf always claiming she was tired. However, she worked at most 10hour shifts and I worked 9, plus school, plus gym, plus music and still made **** work. Some people just have no drive whatsoever and it's often best to let them be.

    Goo ahead and continue about your own business until the light bulb turns on, if ever. If not, I'm sorry to say but you should probably end the marriage.

    NO SEX IS NO LIFE WORTH LIVING :drinker:

    AMEN! :happy:
  • obrientp
    obrientp Posts: 546 Member
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    I was in that relationship. We got divorced after 12 years. We are still good friends, and get along better than we ever did when we were married. But, I was the parent and he was the child, and it wasn't ever going to work out. If you have reservations about marrying him, please listen to them before you get married and have kids.
  • mem50
    mem50 Posts: 1,384 Member
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    I had a relationship like that. I had a major surgery going into our 8th year and while I was under doctors orders to rest and do basically nothing for a month he would not do anything at all. Really? Lucky for me my BF came and took me home with her so I would not have to deal with his childish behavior and get the rest I so desperately needed. Well, tried too at least. He called at least 10 times a day to tell me to come home and take care of him. Sheesh, I could not even take care of myself at that point.

    I wanted counseling, he did not. I left. End of story. Plus I found out he was cheating also.

    Try counseling first.

    Sad to say that if he is like this now he pry will stay the same or get worse.
  • csuhar
    csuhar Posts: 779 Member
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    good advice here, but to me it sounds like while you may love him, you are not in love with him. relationships take work and being easy going does not excuse you from putting in your fair share.

    Very true. It's very possible to love people without that love being the kind to get married over. Think of other relationships where love can exist, such as with family members. I love my brother, and I would take care of him if he was sick or homeless. But I would NEVER even THINK of marrying a woman who had the same personality and habits as he does.


    Counseling is also a good idea, especially premarital counseling because, when it's focused on the marriage aspect, the counselor may bring up issues that haven't come to your mind.


    Without getting too personal, when it comes to your sex life- did you have one, before? Changing from an active one to a nonexistent one would likely indicate something different than one that has always been nonexistent.
  • SamanthaGator
    SamanthaGator Posts: 10
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    I have a SUPER laid back husband who sounds pretty similar to your fiance. We got married in August after nearly 9 years together.


    I work longer hours than him and still take care of all the housework, finances and errands. This used to really piss me off, especially when he would sit around and play video games while I dragged the garbage out to the street.

    The most important thing is to communicate about this effectively. If you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him (or at least want to try) you need to be able to find a way to make him listen. I don't know about your partner, but mine does not react well to ultimatums or guilt trips. After years of trying those tactics and failing, I finally realized that I just needed to tell him nicely how I was feeling.

    I know it sounds simple, but after years of eye-rolling, passive aggression, and even flat out screaming this was my last option... and honestly, it was f*cking difficult to be nice about it.

    I told him that I am overwhelmed, resentful and offended by his lack of help around our home and in turn too emotionally drained at the end of the day to truly desire to be intimate. I smiled and asked for his help in making a system that will help me and still be in his comfort zone.

    Two words: "Baby Steps"

    We're starting off slowly, grocery shopping together (amazing how much this takes the annoyance out of shopping), he makes dinner on Mondays, helps with the dishes at least 2 nights a week, takes out the recyclables, and makes sure that ALL of his dirty clothes end up in the hamper (they used to be all over the house!). I still take care of all of our finances, our pets, and all the other housework, but we both feel better about the effort he is making! Sometimes people just need some guidance, especially when their mother used to take care of everything for them....

    I bet your partner doesn't want to feel/be seen as lazy. Sit down with some wine or tea (or whatever) and create a weekly system that works for you guys. After that is done, take control, bring him into the bedroom and reward him for his good behavior.


    I still have to remind my husband each Monday that it's his night to cook, and I often have to tell him to take out the recyclables, but now that he knows those things are "his jobs" he is happy to help. Plus, he knows there is a much better chance to get some action if he does a good job! ;)

    Any good relationship can become great through communication and persistence. If you love him it is worth working for and if he loves you he will be happy to help!
  • terlyn20
    terlyn20 Posts: 142 Member
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    having not read all the post my advice is-

    do not marry the man you can live with, marry the man you CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT!

    will make a world of difference in the rest of your life.

    i am on year 33 with 3 grown kids and several grand kids.

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