Please can I have some relationship advice
SqueezyLemmon
Posts: 12
in Chit-Chat
I post on here quite a lot, so I’ve started a new account for a bit of anonymity.
I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years, and we are getting married. The wedding has been booked for about 2 years and is almost paid for. I love him to bits, but over the last 18 months, I’ve started to feel more like his mother than his partner.
He’s always been a bit lazy and I could cope with that, but he’s got a lot worse. He works, but that’s about all he does. I also work the same hours, and I do all the shopping, all the cooking, 95% of the cleaning (he washes up). He pays his share of the bills, but I am responsible for all the money, payments and our savings, and I basically have to hand him out ‘pocket money’ – now I’d like to make it clear this is through his OWN choice, as he doesn’t want to do it. If there’s a problem which involves calling someone, like the bank, or his mobile provider, I have to do it, because he ‘doesn’t like talking to people on the phone.’
He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me – in 6 and a half years he’s never so much as raised his voice or sworn at me. He doesn’t come across as needy, just extremely laid-back, which I think is his problem. As long as there’s a roof over his head and dinner on the table, he doesn’t care much for anything else. He doesn’t want the hassle. But he is a genuinely lovely guy, and I cannot express this enough.
However, I am in such a limbo. Sometimes I think I can cope with this for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can’t. I have tried again and again to talk to him about it, given him ultimatums, even stopped doing everything I do for him, but eventually it drives me mad and I start all over again.
I know part of the problem is that I do willingly mother him, but if I don’t, the house gets messy, there are no dinners on the table, and the bills don’t get paid.
We have no children (and neither of us want any) so there’s not that to worry about. But I want to get this sorted before we get married.
If this was your relationship, what would you do? Am I to blame?
I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years, and we are getting married. The wedding has been booked for about 2 years and is almost paid for. I love him to bits, but over the last 18 months, I’ve started to feel more like his mother than his partner.
He’s always been a bit lazy and I could cope with that, but he’s got a lot worse. He works, but that’s about all he does. I also work the same hours, and I do all the shopping, all the cooking, 95% of the cleaning (he washes up). He pays his share of the bills, but I am responsible for all the money, payments and our savings, and I basically have to hand him out ‘pocket money’ – now I’d like to make it clear this is through his OWN choice, as he doesn’t want to do it. If there’s a problem which involves calling someone, like the bank, or his mobile provider, I have to do it, because he ‘doesn’t like talking to people on the phone.’
He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me – in 6 and a half years he’s never so much as raised his voice or sworn at me. He doesn’t come across as needy, just extremely laid-back, which I think is his problem. As long as there’s a roof over his head and dinner on the table, he doesn’t care much for anything else. He doesn’t want the hassle. But he is a genuinely lovely guy, and I cannot express this enough.
However, I am in such a limbo. Sometimes I think I can cope with this for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can’t. I have tried again and again to talk to him about it, given him ultimatums, even stopped doing everything I do for him, but eventually it drives me mad and I start all over again.
I know part of the problem is that I do willingly mother him, but if I don’t, the house gets messy, there are no dinners on the table, and the bills don’t get paid.
We have no children (and neither of us want any) so there’s not that to worry about. But I want to get this sorted before we get married.
If this was your relationship, what would you do? Am I to blame?
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Replies
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I am overcome with the sense I have read this post before . . .0
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Personally, I would put my foot down and make it clear that he has to do his fair share of things (housework, cooking, money, etc) if he wants to stay in the relationship with me.
If you don't, it will only get worse and he will continue to take advantage of you (which he is).0 -
I would suggest couple's counseling and premarital counseling for starters. Relationships are partnerships and he isn't currently upholding his end. So far you have been enabling him and you need to take steps to rectify this. It sounds like you are going to be the leader of your family, so get comfortable with the idea. Most people expect men to be the leader, but you are the stronger one.
For the sex issue, it is time for him (or both of you) to maybe talk to a doctor to see if there is a physical element to the lack of sexual interaction. Perhaps it is hormonal? Or, heaven forbid, something more serious. Barring a physical reason, talk to a sex counselor.0 -
Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.0
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I post on here quite a lot, so I’ve started a new account for a bit of anonymity.
I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years, and we are getting married. The wedding has been booked for about 2 years and is almost paid for. I love him to bits, but over the last 18 months, I’ve started to feel more like his mother than his partner.
He’s always been a bit lazy and I could cope with that, but he’s got a lot worse. He works, but that’s about all he does. I also work the same hours, and I do all the shopping, all the cooking, 95% of the cleaning (he washes up). He pays his share of the bills, but I am responsible for all the money, payments and our savings, and I basically have to hand him out ‘pocket money’ – now I’d like to make it clear this is through his OWN choice, as he doesn’t want to do it. If there’s a problem which involves calling someone, like the bank, or his mobile provider, I have to do it, because he ‘doesn’t like talking to people on the phone.’
He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me – in 6 and a half years he’s never so much as raised his voice or sworn at me. He doesn’t come across as needy, just extremely laid-back, which I think is his problem. As long as there’s a roof over his head and dinner on the table, he doesn’t care much for anything else. He doesn’t want the hassle. But he is a genuinely lovely guy, and I cannot express this enough.
However, I am in such a limbo. Sometimes I think I can cope with this for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can’t. I have tried again and again to talk to him about it, given him ultimatums, even stopped doing everything I do for him, but eventually it drives me mad and I start all over again.
I know part of the problem is that I do willingly mother him, but if I don’t, the house gets messy, there are no dinners on the table, and the bills don’t get paid.
We have no children (and neither of us want any) so there’s not that to worry about. But I want to get this sorted before we get married.
If this was your relationship, what would you do? Am I to blame?
This was my marriage! It didn't end well...0 -
It sounds more like a mother/child relationship than a boyfriend/girlfiend relationship. If you are not happy with the situation now, don't go thinking that marriage will change him, because it won't.0
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You're having second thoughts, so don't marry him.0
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Rather than toss blame around, and say "XX is what you should do to gain that spark", I suppose I would look at what exactly caused you to enter into the relationship in the first place. How did the courting occur? Did it occur? I'm in an opposite situation, where my partner is a great woman who tries to do a lot, but I'm not in love with her. A tough situation. As I reflect on our courting period, I realize had I not really been on the rebound, I probably wouldn't have actually entered into this relationship. But all that is a tangent.
What did he do to which caused you to fall in love? What did you do to cause him to fall in love? A simple chat with him, open up the dialog and say "I miss it when we did X. I would like to do X again. Would you?" Above all, really try to help encourage the lines of communication. If your REALLY wanting to see a refocus on doing things together cancel/stop/delay the cable! Pull him out of Plato's cave and see what happens when he awakens ;-)
Of course this is just a WAG, I don't profess to be any authority on the subject.0 -
You have to sit down with yourself, and really think about if you want to deal with this your whole life. He's laid back, but he loves you. He doesn't clean up, but he pays his share of the bills. I take care of the bills (the dispersing of our communal bills with both our pay checks), but he does other things. He cleans, like a champ. I've never met a cleaner guy. Mine's pretty laid back as well, but he still does stuff. Has he always been mothered? Did his mother enable this behavior? Or, did he become like this because you gave up on letting him do it himself?0
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sounds like my situation. MUCH more time in and kids to boot. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the throat when he chews...GET. OUT.0
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Think you need to sit him down and talk to him.
Maybe also go on strike about doing his washing etc - you are both working so you should both do the chores. Just put yourself in his shoes - Would you do the chores when there is someone else 'willing' to take over. Yes he is treating you like his mum but you are also allowing him to do it.0 -
sounds like my situation. MUCH more time in and kids to boot. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the throat when he chews...GET. OUT.
Yup this.0 -
Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.
100% this.
If you marry him, you are accepting all his habits.0 -
My hubby goes through phases like this. Ask him if somethings up-if he says no...tell him to quit being a pill.
It comes and goes here. He gets pissy-he is basically shunned until he pulls his head out of his butt.0 -
Since you asked.........
You are having doubts. Go with your gut. He is getting away with things like not cooking dinner when you are sick because you allow it. In sickness and in health means he should have taken care of you. If he is not doing it now.......he will not do it later.
And why aren't you guys having sex? :huh: (Rhetorical......no need to answer)
Re-read your post sweetie! Pretend you are the recipient and not the writer........What would you do???
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.
This.... He is who he is. Can't change him.0 -
Run now.0
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Stop acting like his mom then. Thats on you.
The sex issue is huge and needs to be addressed prior to marriage. A ring won't solve it.0 -
Yeah, it is much easier to just dump and run than to try to fix it first. Why repair when you can buy new?0
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I hope the wedding isnt any time soon. This should be a happy time. Doesnt mean you wont have your moments, but questioning yourself is a clear sign that this may not be the guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The problem is we tend to become comfortable in relationships and our partners may take on that lax attitude if we are a nurturing type (this goes for men and women). He knows you arent going to require anything else out of him, therefore he's going to continue to be lazy. You giving him an ultimatum doesn't mean ish if you give in just because you cant stand to see the house messy.
You're supposed to be marrying your PARTNER, not a child version of himself. I also agree with what many have said about counseling. If that does not work, you may seriously need to re-eval this whole scenario. Forget the fact that its been 6 yrs, forget the fact that the wedding is coming up and almost paid for. You may have alot more to worry about after you marry this person who cant meet you even halfway... Best of luck to you and a blessed future
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Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.
This.... He is who he is. Can't change him.
True. Getting married isn't like waving a magic wand. Nothing will change.0 -
It's extremely important to be able to be friends going into a marriage. It's natural to have ebbs and flows in a long term relationship. Over my 25 years with my wife, both of us have fallen out of and back into love with each other but we've always been friends and we've always stayed committed to the relationship. Commitment and liking each other are (in my opinion) more important than what people think of as "love", which is frequently confused with lust or just plain "newness". If there are behaviors you don't like, certainly get pre-marital counseling to make sure you can reach an agreement about how to deal with them. Those aren't really related to the ebbs and flows of a long term relationship other than they become the excuse for walking away from a commitment when you are in an ebb. Don't be afraid to express your needs before the marriage happens, and be willing to hear what his needs are too.0
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Since you asked.........
You are having doubts. Go with your gut. He is getting away with things like not cooking dinner when you are sick because you allow it. In sickness and in health means he should have taken care of you. If he is not doing it now.......he will not do it later.
And why aren't you guys having sex? :huh: (Rhetorical......no need to answer)
Re-read your post sweetie! Pretend you are the recipient and not the writer........What would you do???
Good luck :flowerforyou:
Amen!0 -
good advice here, but to me it sounds like while you may love him, you are not in love with him. relationships take work and being easy going does not excuse you from putting in your fair share.0
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... If you are not happy with the situation now, don't go thinking that marriage will change him, because it won't.
My friend was in a very similar situation and she made the very difficult decision to call off the wedding just a few months before the wedding day.
She is now happily married to a wonderful man.
You deserve someone wonderful who is on the same page as you are.
Amanda0 -
Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.
100% this.
If you marry him, you are accepting all his habits.
Yep.
Sometimes love just isn't enough.0 -
You have to sit down with yourself, and really think about if you want to deal with this your whole life. He's laid back, but he loves you. He doesn't clean up, but he pays his share of the bills. I take care of the bills (the dispersing of our communal bills with both our pay checks), but he does other things. He cleans, like a champ. I've never met a cleaner guy. Mine's pretty laid back as well, but he still does stuff. Has he always been mothered? Did his mother enable this behavior? Or, did he become like this because you gave up on letting him do it himself?
This is what I struggle with. I've come from an abusive relationship so by God I know I could do so much worse. So should I appreciate him for what he DOES bring to our relationship, rather than berating him for what he doesn't?
As for the mothering side, I just don't know. His mother died when he was 22 and it hit him very hard and he went off the rails for a while. This was before I met him. I don't know if that is related in any way at all, I could be well off the mark, but he won't talk about it to me or anyone.0 -
If you are having doubts, you're probably not ready to deal with it. I honestly don't think people will ever change. It's sad..
Maybe you guys should try counselling?0 -
Think you need to sit him down and talk to him.
Maybe also go on strike about doing his washing etc - you are both working so you should both do the chores. Just put yourself in his shoes - Would you do the chores when there is someone else 'willing' to take over. Yes he is treating you like his mum but you are also allowing him to do it.
Well said .... he needs to step up and make some real effort in the relationship. He isn't doing this now ... and I can see why you feel like his mother, that's cause really you are at this point.0
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