Please can I have some relationship advice

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  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    Stop acting like his mom then. Thats on you.
    The sex issue is huge and needs to be addressed prior to marriage. A ring won't solve it.

    This!!
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    So should I appreciate him for what he DOES bring to our relationship

    What DOES he bring to your relationship exactly?

    Not being abusive does not count!
  • linzchapates
    linzchapates Posts: 135
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    Oy...and you want to marry this? What kind of expectations and self respect do you have for yourself? You can only control YOU, trying to change or control someone else's actions or thoughts doesn't work... you shouldn't have to nag your significant other to contribute to your relationship in all areas(sex included)...I've been here, 6 years, 1 child and one expensive separation later (we didn't even marry thank Christ!) I can tell you how it worked out for me.... Raising a child all by my lonesome...Did I love him? Absolutely.. but I love myself more! Good luck!
  • Miepke99
    Miepke99 Posts: 31 Member
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    In your first post you told us that your sex life is non-existent and that you're feeling more like his mother than his fiancé.
    In the second post you told us that your partner has lost his mother at a relatively young age and that he doesn't want to talk about it to you or anyone.
    Put those things together, and tada... He's seeing you more like his mother, who wasn't there for him anymore at times when he needed her. You're there for him when he needs you and anything he asks or needs, you just do it without asking any questions.

    I'm not married nor am I a mother so I can't totally be sure about the above, but what I am sure of is that you guys either need to communicate or split up.
  • SamanthaGator
    SamanthaGator Posts: 10
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    Also, what are some things that you love about your man?
  • eab221
    eab221 Posts: 1 Member
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    I am in the exact same situation. STORY OF MY LIFE.

    Like you I keep trying to remind myself of the positives like the fact that he has a great sense of humor. But I don't think it's fair for me (or you) to pick up all of the burden of a real relationship.
    I have not had sex with my boyfriend in two years. We are both in our twenties. It has gotten to the point where I feel disgusting and unwanted. I do not think this is how a romantic relationship should be. I feel that we are roommates at this point.
    It sounds like you have some of the same issues going on.

    People are going to respond to your post and make it sound very easy to just walk away. They will also tell you that you are obviously not in love if you are not having sex all the time. But as I personally know....it's not that black and white.

    My only advice would be to not get married. Sit him down and tell him that you have your reservations about getting married because of his laziness.
    Also - I would recommend just getting out more and telling him to take care of more things around the house. At this point I will tell my boyfriend to make his own dinner or put away the dishes and just literally walk out of the house and go do something else for myself. Getting out more and meeting up with my friends takes my mind off of things at home.
  • xapril77x
    xapril77x Posts: 248 Member
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    Simply put, do u feel u could live without him? If so, it's not love & you shouldn't marry him... Marriage is tough enough without being completely, truly, head over heels in love... When I met my husband we were both so love struck we couldn't see straight... but things have been tough over the last 10 years... We've gone thru hell & back together & also have had our happiest moments together... I'm not gonna lie, we both have personal issues & we both can be total jerks but we stay together because we love each other & are determined to make our marriage work... but I think if we both weren't completely in love it would have never worked... We would have called it quits long ago...
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I would suggest couple's counseling and premarital counseling for starters. Relationships are partnerships and he isn't currently upholding his end. So far you have been enabling him and you need to take steps to rectify this. It sounds like you are going to be the leader of your family, so get comfortable with the idea. Most people expect men to be the leader, but you are the stronger one.

    For the sex issue, it is time for him (or both of you) to maybe talk to a doctor to see if there is a physical element to the lack of sexual interaction. Perhaps it is hormonal? Or, heaven forbid, something more serious. Barring a physical reason, talk to a sex counselor.

    ^^^Agree!

    I want to add that I don't know what type of job he has, but sometimes, especially if we are unhappy at the job we have, it can totally drain you physically and emotionally.
  • amsipub
    amsipub Posts: 84 Member
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    What you described sounds like you are miserable in this relationship. It's over before the marriage can begin. Don't torment yourself and try to get married. It's not going to get better once you are married. You already sound like how my marriage was before I divorced. If you want happiness in your life and a partnership that is more equal then you need to not be in this one because it's not giving you what you want and need in it.
  • xapril77x
    xapril77x Posts: 248 Member
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    & as far as the no sex, that tells me u 2 are not fully in love... If u were, the sex would be often & AMAZING!
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    & as far as the no sex, that tells me u 2 are not fully in love... If u were, the sex would be often & AMAZING!

    love does not automatically equate good sex just as sex does not automatically equate love. don't confuse the two.
  • Cathy_ann913
    Cathy_ann913 Posts: 59 Member
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    I agree with you, people don't change!
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
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    The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.

    I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.

    This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.

    He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.

    The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?
  • gelendestrasse
    gelendestrasse Posts: 204
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    If there's one thing my father was right about it is that you aren't going to change somebody just by marrying them. The only way somebody changes is if they want to. If your BF is changing into a layabout then it's what he wants to do for whatever reason. If he doesn't want to do what you want him to do no amount of anything is going to make him change.

    Once you are married it's going to get even more complicated. If you think you want out now then the time to do it is now. If you think counseling will help then go for that. But do what you need to do for yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    Men aren't likely to change, especially after you've committed to them in marriage. If you can't deal with it forever, it's time to split.
  • NaomiLyn15
    NaomiLyn15 Posts: 388 Member
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  • grimendale
    grimendale Posts: 2,154 Member
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    Is it possible that he has undiagnosed Asperger's? A lot of what you are describing sounds like me, only more severe, particularly wanting to avoid the phone at any cost and the lack of sex. People with Asperger's tend to hate the phone (social situations are difficult enough to navigate when you have body language to read; when you only have voice, it's almost impossible) and have a much smaller need for physical intimacy. It doesn't reflect on his love for you, in that case; physical intimacy just isn't as important. It might be worth looking into. I've gotten a lot better since I got diagnosed a few years ago since I now understand why I think the way I do and can work on compensating for it.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.

    I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.

    This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.

    He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.

    The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?

    Hey, wanna know some symptoms to low testosterone in men? Lack of sex drive, depression, lethargy, and embarrassment.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.

    I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.

    This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.

    He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.

    The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?

    You might want to do your research on low testosterone. There are a LOT of other side effects besides low sex drive. High blood pressure, depression, trouble sleeping and overall feeling tired are some of those side effects. Tell him you are worried about his overall health. There is absolutely NOTHING for him to be embarrassed about. He will be amazed at how much better he feels once he starts testosterone replacement.
  • Loisxyz
    Loisxyz Posts: 17
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    It sure isn't going to get better. You have to put your foot down and not cave in when he moans. Are there any tasks he is good at? DIY, Gardening, hoovering, washing up. Put him in charge of specific tasks or insist that he cooks on alternate days. Or get used to living in a pigsty and don't do anything either.

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