Please can I have some relationship advice

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Replies

  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    & as far as the no sex, that tells me u 2 are not fully in love... If u were, the sex would be often & AMAZING!

    This post tells me your advice is bad.
  • fleetzz
    fleetzz Posts: 962 Member
    If this frustrates you now, imagine what it will be like in 50 years.

    People are the way they are and they won't change easily. If you marry him, you will just have more of the same. Perhaps you love each other, but it sounds like this is not the makings of a marriage. Regardless of the low testosterone---it is the other things. He EXPECTS you do serve him. He gets whiny and petulant if you can't because you are ill. What happens if you are married and you contract cancer, undergo chemotherapy and surgery? Will he still act this way? Or will you end up capitulating and making dinner after vomiting due to chemo?
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.

    I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.

    This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.

    He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.

    The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?

    for the love of all things holy DO NOT show him this thread. just don't.

    low testosterone is a really important piece of the puzzle, especially if he is embarrassed about it. encourage him to seek treatment because that might help with a few of your problems, most notably the lack of sex. the fact that he's intimate is not something that should be disregarded. intimacy (separate from sex) is important.

    I am confused by you asking if you should just "try having a calm conversation". have your previous conversations about your feelings not been calm?
  • NaomiLyn15
    NaomiLyn15 Posts: 388 Member
    Low Testosterone is a problem in a lot of areas. Its definitely part of the sex issue, but it is also a huge contributor to depression. And depression makes someone lazier than they used to be because they are down and tired and don't see the point. He needs to get that taken care of, and I think you will see a change in his behavior in a lot of areas. They often can give injections of testosterone to fix it. I think the counseling suggestions are really good, but before any of that talk with him about the health issue. If he gets it taken care of, I think you will see a lot of changes. My dad has Low T, and after he got it regulated, he came out of a depression, had more energy, and many things that my mom had problems with began to change. He started to go back to himself.

    Good luck
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    sounds a bit like mine.

    you live with it our you leave...right now i'm living with it
  • jenluvsushi
    jenluvsushi Posts: 933 Member
    IMHO-run away as fast as you can....seriously! People need partners in marriage/life and not another child to take care of. For better or for worse is what it should be. Him already showing you he won’t care for you when you are sick is a huge clue that he is very selfish and you will be on your own in the future. Can you imagine having children with this guy? You will be taking care of all of them guaranteed with little or no help.

    When you get married, please know that they do not change so you have to be able to accept them as they are. Can you live your life and be happy the way it is right now? If not, don't do it!!!!!! He has already shown you what is to come.....don’t be blind to it or think it will change. If you want to accept it, go ahead but don’t go in thinking he will change....or that you can nag him into changing.

    Also, when a woman builds up resentment towards her partner due to him not pulling his weight, the relationship often takes on a Mother/child dynamic. It is very difficult to feel sexual about a person that you look at as a child or feel you have to nag all the time to get anything done. Could that be why your sex life is the way it is? I struggled with this in the past so I can totally relate.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
    The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.

    I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.

    This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.

    He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.

    The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?

    You might want to do your research on low testosterone. There are a LOT of other side effects besides low sex drive. High blood pressure, depression, trouble sleeping and overall feeling tired are some of those side effects. Tell him you are worried about his overall health. There is absolutely NOTHING for him to be embarrassed about. He will be amazed at how much better he feels once he starts testosterone replacement.

    He does have trouble sleeping. And he is generally unhappy, but I always thought it was because of his job, as he hates his job.

    I have to be honest I had no idea low testosterone caused that many problems, and if that's genuinely 'all' it is, I'd be really, really happy. I will talk to him and try and get him back to the doctors.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    If this was your relationship, what would you do? Am I to blame?

    I would end it. It sounds like a very dull and unhappy relationship that can't be saved due to having a laugh or two together every now and then.

    They say life is short...but marriage can make the time seem subjectively long. Can you imagine being in the relationship, like this, for the next 40-50 maybe even 60+ years??? Could you do it for even 10? 5? One? Because that is what you are looking at. Unless he is willing to make drastic changes, this is what your life with him will be.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Is this a recent change? Is he going through some kind of depression?
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
    I would suggest couple's counseling and premarital counseling for starters. Relationships are partnerships and he isn't currently upholding his end. So far you have been enabling him and you need to take steps to rectify this. It sounds like you are going to be the leader of your family, so get comfortable with the idea. Most people expect men to be the leader, but you are the stronger one.

    For the sex issue, it is time for him (or both of you) to maybe talk to a doctor to see if there is a physical element to the lack of sexual interaction. Perhaps it is hormonal? Or, heaven forbid, something more serious. Barring a physical reason, talk to a sex counselor.

    This ^^ If you love him and he loves you then you need help to communicate more effectively. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take care of the man you love. I probably do about 90% of the work around our place but he will help if I ask. This is not an issue to me most of the time because for me taking care of him is how I show him I love him. There is a big difference between feeling like someone's 'mom' and feeling like a partner. With my X-husband I was definitely more like his mom so I totally know where you are coming from.

    I think you guys need to have a talk over a nice dinner or something. You need to discuss your future and how you are feeling - no need to get mad at him for being 'lazy' because you have been enabling him for 6 years. This is the time to start making a 'schedule' or giving him permanent responsibilities.. My boyfriend is responsible for garbage, cat litter and helping me clean and do dishes. Start with small things but you need to start now or you will be doing everything for the rest of your life.

    With regard to your intimacy issues.. Definitely seek advice from a counselor - something isn't right. You don't have a 'relationship' with someone without having sex - especially someone you are going to marry. Normally time will cool off the ardor a little bit but you should still be doing 'something' regularly. You need to figure out what is behind the feelings.

    Maybe you two are just better as friends but GOOD and LONG lasting relationships are hard work, you don't just cut and run because your having some issues - at least TRY to work it out first.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
    If this frustrates you now, imagine what it will be like in 50 years.

    People are the way they are and they won't change easily. If you marry him, you will just have more of the same. Perhaps you love each other, but it sounds like this is not the makings of a marriage. Regardless of the low testosterone---it is the other things. He EXPECTS you do serve him. He gets whiny and petulant if you can't because you are ill. What happens if you are married and you contract cancer, undergo chemotherapy and surgery? Will he still act this way? Or will you end up capitulating and making dinner after vomiting due to chemo?

    Ah, now I've been very ill and virtually unable to get out of bed before, and he was my rock. Seriously, he helped me to the toilet, came home on his lunch break to make me food, bathed me, the lot. This was a couple of years ago, before he changed. This is what I mean; he is a good guy, and this is out of character.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Is this a recent change? Is he going through some kind of depression?

    The OP didn't include in her post that he has low T and also hates his job. Two important pieces to the puzzle.
  • FP4HSharon
    FP4HSharon Posts: 664 Member
    You should NEVER marry someone you think you can live WITH, you should only marry someone that you think you couldn't live WITHOUT. NEVER get married because you think you'll never find someone else, it's better to live alone than to have a trouble marriage. Never get married if you have reservations, because, believe me, a lot more issues crop up AFTER you get married once you start getting a little more comfortable w/your relationship. I have so much respect for people who postpone, or even cancel a wedding if issues arise. And DEFINITELY what a previous poster said, GET PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING! Any money involved in wedding/reception plans should be secondary, eat the loss & if family doesn't understand...tough. A simple cheap wedding w/someone you're sure of will be 10x better than an expensive wedding but problems later.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    I was in a relationship like this. It was ok for a while, but eventually I began to feel like he was as useless as a fork is paired with a bowl of soup, and I had a strong urge to choke him on many occasions. I ended it. Make sure you can live with the way things are because people usually do not change their basic personality traits once they are well into adulthood. Best of luck to you!
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Everybody draws the line somewhere, sometime. You will, too, eventually!! Love draws a line! Don't draw the line, down the road, when you are finally UNWILLING to put up with it anymore, because that is NOT love. Get out of this relationship and put the needed distance between the two of you, so that he can think about things. Let him "step up to the plate" in life, before you will consider getting married to him.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
    My husband and I were together for more than 10 years, then we separated for a year, and now we've been back together for 18 months or so. This was one of the big issues for us pre-separation.

    Here's the thing:

    If you could just show up and lay on the couch and have someone do everything for you with no expectations or repercussions, wouldn't you? It's a nice life when someone else does all the hard stuff.

    What we allow tends to continue.

    Separate your money and each take care of your own finances. Separate the household chores. Don't take responsibility for his bills, his health, his laundry or his daily needs. He is an adult and should take care of his own daily needs. Make your own plans and go about your own life.

    You are in for a long, miserable, resentful existence if you continue on this way. People don't change easily, but they do change if the results of change are better than the alternative. If it were me (and it was), I would issue some ultimatums and be ready to follow through (I did), and I would take responsibility for my own behaviors (co-dependence and care-taking) that contributed to the problem.

    Fix it before you get married, or don't get married.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    Yup.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    It is mostly full of unawares who didn't bother reading beyond the OP now.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
    Well, it is a part of the OP.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
    Well, it is a part of the OP.

    Since the OP, we have learned that he was previously diagnosed with low T and also hates his job.
  • NoeHead
    NoeHead Posts: 516 Member
    marriage is a loving bond and partnership, not a burden. my two cents. and no sex? i made it clear to my man i don't care if we're old and using walkers, we'll use those props. SEX, one of the best bonuses of a marriage! helps you sleep and clears headaches.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
    Well, it is a part of the OP.

    unfortunately. I probably should have left out the "turning into" part.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Is this a recent change? Is he going through some kind of depression?

    The OP didn't include in her post that he has low T and also hates his job. Two important pieces to the puzzle.

    That is helpful to know. People go through rough stuff. Maybe he needs some help and things will improve.
  • SqueezyLemmon
    SqueezyLemmon Posts: 12
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
  • jkowula
    jkowula Posts: 447
    Now, this is not me talking here, I am going to quote my wife. Pick your battles, if some laundry on the floor or him not cooking is close to your heart and important to you.. then make it known or deal with it before you get married. Evaluate what is important to you. Loving husband, father, great family dynamics, care and respect.... maybe that is what is important, then again, for lots of people, it's about everything being 50/50.
  • NoeHead
    NoeHead Posts: 516 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    Does he know you feel this way? He can't fix what he doesn't know/realize...
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"

    I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.

    now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first. :smile:
  • aerynholly
    aerynholly Posts: 22 Member
    Captain Awkward wrote a great post about this that you might find helpful: http://captainawkward.com/2013/08/22/506-507-it-is-2****ing0****ing1****ing3-so-why-is-it-so-hard-to-divide-up-household-chores/
  • bacitracin
    bacitracin Posts: 921 Member
    Get him some Adderall.

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