Please can I have some relationship advice
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Okay, so some of us are following you. So now you just want to know how you can help him?I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.0 -
I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
Please please please understand that you can't fix him. He is not going to change. You either need to accept his behavior as it is or move on.
*edited to add - I didn't read the whole thread. Fine, get him to an endocrinologist and work out the testosterone issues, but do not expect this to be a magic fix for your relationship. There is still a good chance that you still won't be happy even after his sex drive returns. You will likely still be doing all the work at home.
Looking back, I believe now that my ex-husband has Asperger's. He just isn't able to interact with people normally. I can't say that he has to have someone take care of him, but its easier for him.0 -
I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first.
Haha, I will. Although it has turned into a "just break up" thread, I am really pleased with the responses, I was clearly completely ignorant of the effects of low T and only related it to lack of sex, bit it's clear there's more to it. Now I've learnt a little I feel like I have something to work toward and something I can bring to the table when I talk to him. So some good has come out of it. 0 -
Sounds like a "comfortable" or "convenience" relationship to me. Not love. But good luck.0
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I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first.
Yes.
Step 1: Talk about your FEELINGS. Tell him how overwhelmed/upset you are in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-threatening way. Ask him for help. Express your concerns about the changes you see in him. Come up with a plan to "fix" things.
Step 2: Encourage him to go back to the doctor to get treated for his low T (and maybe find a new job).
Step 3: If that doesn't help, counseling.
THEN if nothing helps, maybe you should consider moving on.0 -
Run.0
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sounds like my situation. MUCH more time in and kids to boot. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the throat when he chews...GET. OUT.
Yup this.
Thirded to this.
And to whierd that said it's better to dump and run now...AMEN brutha.
You've got 6 years in already and you've been letting this what I call "bad parenter behavior" go unchecked for the past year and a half?? If he's getting increasingly worse and making it apparent he doesn't want to be a partner back to you, GET OUT NOW before the wedding happens. Once it's done, it's a lot more expensive and heartbreaking to undo it all...
And not to be too harsh, but you say you know he loves you. How do you know? Paying his share of bills isn't a good indicator of true love, IMO. If he's not putting forth any effort to put you first, he's just completely settled by now because 1) it's easy, 2) he knows you'll do it anyway, and 3) he knows that to find this catering from someone else will take work. Love is effort from both parties, not just one. I'd take a good, hard look at what he's doing to exhibit "love" to you. Sounds like you've got quite a few years to look back to in order to examine it.
Good luck!0 -
Pretty much what you see is what you get(been married 11 years)....he is not going to have some major epiphany and change anytime soon probably. We did pre-marital counseling and it really helped with what to expect with each other so that we knew what each of us was willing to do and willing to change and where we were not willing to compromise. So I guess it comes down to if you want that everyday forever.0
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I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
I wish this too. And I can't edit my OP now.
now that more details have come out there has been some legitimately good advice. I would humbly advise to ignore the "just break up" advice without pursuing counseling and treatment of your fiance's low T first.
Yes.
Step 1: Talk about your FEELINGS. Tell him how overwhelmed/upset you are in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-threatening way. Ask him for help. Express your concerns about the changes you see in him. Come up with a plan to "fix" things.
Step 2: Encourage him to go back to the doctor to get treated for his low T (and maybe find a new job).
Step 3: If that doesn't help, counseling.
THEN if nothing helps, maybe you should consider moving on.
Thank you. I love him and I want it to work.0 -
My husband and I were together for more than 10 years, then we separated for a year, and now we've been back together for 18 months or so. This was one of the big issues for us pre-separation.
Here's the thing:
If you could just show up and lay on the couch and have someone do everything for you with no expectations or repercussions, wouldn't you? It's a nice life when someone else does all the hard stuff.
What we allow tends to continue.
Separate your money and each take care of your own finances. Separate the household chores. Don't take responsibility for his bills, his health, his laundry or his daily needs. He is an adult and should take care of his own daily needs. Make your own plans and go about your own life.
You are in for a long, miserable, resentful existence if you continue on this way. People don't change easily, but they do change if the results of change are better than the alternative. If it were me (and it was), I would issue some ultimatums and be ready to follow through (I did), and I would take responsibility for my own behaviors (co-dependence and care-taking) that contributed to the problem.
Fix it before you get married, or don't get married.
I would have to agree with this post - if you don't fix these problems this will be your life. Are you willing (and able) to live like this? You sound fairly young so you are looking at what 50 years like this? You've been together for 6 years already and it is driving you crazy so a sit down heart to heart is long overdue. A counselor would be an excellent idea and tell him it is "pre-wedding counseling" so he doesn't get the idea anyone is ganging up on him. Both of you would benefit. Have you talked to the priest/minister that is going to marry you? If pre-wedding counseling isn't required then ask if you can have it and outline some of the major problems that you guys need to work on. Good luck, hard call but you are the only one who can make the decision. All we can do is tell you of our life experiences and let you decide what you are going to do.0 -
This was almost exactly my marriage. I took care of everything, coddled him, our sex life sucked. We were married for way too long with that state of affairs. The only thing that kept me in it was that like you said, I loved him as a person so very much and didn't want to lose his companionship. Now we are divorced but we are very good friends still. He lives overseas most of the year, and therefore he has gained his own independence and frankly, I like him a lot better as a person now that we're not married.
So my advice is that he will not change unless he has to or wants to. Getting married to him means that you accept him as he is and assume that things will not change.0 -
Yeah, it is much easier to just dump and run than to try to fix it first. Why repair when you can buy new?
"Fix"? They have been together six and a half years. If they have had conversations about this issue before (which I would imagine they have) it isn't going to change. I dated a guy like this recently.. I thought he was the most amazing guy in the universe until he moved in, while I was at school, after "dating" for a week. I stayed with him a year thinking it would "get better" because he was a great guy and it only got worse.. to the point that I loathed the sound of him breathing.
RUN! RUN QUICKLY! or this is going to end up like a scene from "This is 40".. You know the one where he has a mirror down by his bum? THAT scene.0 -
sounds like my situation. MUCH more time in and kids to boot. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the throat when he chews...GET. OUT.
Yup this.
Thirded to this.
And to whierd that said it's better to dump and run now...AMEN brutha.
You've got 6 years in already and you've been letting this what I call "bad parenter behavior" go unchecked for the past year and a half?? If he's getting increasingly worse and making it apparent he doesn't want to be a partner back to you, GET OUT NOW before the wedding happens. Once it's done, it's a lot more expensive and heartbreaking to undo it all...
And not to be too harsh, but you say you know he loves you. How do you know? Paying his share of bills isn't a good indicator of true love, IMO. If he's not putting forth any effort to put you first, he's just completely settled by now because 1) it's easy, 2) he knows you'll do it anyway, and 3) he knows that to find this catering from someone else will take work. Love is effort from both parties, not just one. I'd take a good, hard look at what he's doing to exhibit "love" to you. Sounds like you've got quite a few years to look back to in order to examine it.
Good luck!
When I said to dump and run I was sarcastically mocking other people's awful advice to do this.0 -
Yeah, it is much easier to just dump and run than to try to fix it first. Why repair when you can buy new?
"Fix"? They have been together six and a half years. If they have had conversations about this issue before (which I would imagine they have) it isn't going to change. I dated a guy like this recently.. I thought he was the most amazing guy in the universe until he moved in, while I was at school, after "dating" for a week. I stayed with him a year thinking it would "get better" because he was a great guy and it only got worse.. to the point that I loathed the sound of him breathing.
RUN! RUN QUICKLY! or this is going to end up like a scene from "This is 40".. You know the one where he has a mirror down by his bum? THAT scene.
I appreciate that you picked up on my sarcasm, but read the rest of the thread.0 -
Sometimes I think I can cope with this for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can’t.
Don't get married. You basicially described my relationship before I got married to my now ex-husband. I settled because I thought "Eh, I guess this is good enough." If you have doubts now, listen to your gut, marriage is not a solution to your problem.
You can't "help" him change if he doesn't want to, and it seems like he is fine with the way things are. It's nobody's fault, you guys just have different expectations out of what a relationship should be.
ETA: Ok so he has low testerterone...but obviously it's not a big enough concern for him to do something about it...and THAT'S the problem. He doesn't want to fix the situation (the low-T thing or the relationship itself) or else he would. You have no control over anybody's actions or emotions but your own, and if he isn't willing to make some compromises, then there's nothing you can do to change that.
Either accept him the way he is and be miserable the rest of your life (or until you can't stand it anymore and finally get divorced), or end your relationship now, be miserable for a few months, and continue on to lead a happy, wonderful, fulfilling life on your own or with someone who is deserving of you.0 -
You said you dont want children but you have one sitting on your couch whining when he has to "do" stuff. RUN, dont walk. DO NOT marry him, I repeat DO NOT marry him. He sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. He does not want to put in the effort you do because he knows he does not have to. He knows you will do all the stuff he does not want to do. If you marry him EVENTUALLY you will resent and hate him. Move on, now!0
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Step 1: Talk about your FEELINGS. Tell him how overwhelmed/upset you are in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-threatening way. Ask him for help. Express your concerns about the changes you see in him. Come up with a plan to "fix" things.
Step 2: Encourage him to go back to the doctor to get treated for his low T (and maybe find a new job).
Step 3: If that doesn't help, counseling.
THEN if nothing helps, maybe you should consider moving on.
I agree with this so much. While I don't know if you can "fix" everything (particularly if it would require changing a person), talking to him about your feelings and then leading that straight in to your fear that some of this may be related to low T, is a really great place to start. Will the increase in testosterone solve everything? Who knows, but I think explaining how you feel and combining it with you want him to get his medical issue under control is a good place to start.
And there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of men deal with low T. I had a friend who dealt with it and his personality completely changed. It was such a noticeable change in him that his wife finally said - you have to go to the doctor. Got on the meds, and he's a lot better now.
You have steps to try, and try them you should. I don't think it's worth giving up everything until you go through the process, but you may want to think about the wedding if it's before you've had time to try the steps.0 -
He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me
This is the part that is troublesome for me:
You state he is inattentive and sometimes selfish. But you also say he is respectful of you. Selfish and inattentive are not respectful traits, not allowing you to be sick is also not respectful, not raising a hand to you is not being respectful of you, it's being a decent human being. No one should ever raise a hand to another person and if this is your measure of love or respect, you may need to seek counseling on your own.
You say you love him, but your reasons are that he is good company, you have a good laugh and your parents adore him. Sounds like a friend.
None existent sex in your 20's and 30's means NON_EXISTENT sex later in life too. Low T or whatever - he needs to own this and get the necessary help.
The real troublesome part is that you are asking here, instead of talking to him or seeking professional help. Do yourself and him a favor and go to counseling. Go for yourself at least. Communication in a relationship is paramount. You cannot and will not survive a marriage w/o it.
Of course just like everyone else, I can only base my suggestions on what I have read here, I don't know you or him or your life and what the last 6 years have been for you. So Good luck!0 -
pretty sure this thread is going to roll and pretty much every post is going to say "just break up" in some form or another. ha.0
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Yeah, it is much easier to just dump and run than to try to fix it first. Why repair when you can buy new?
"Fix"? They have been together six and a half years. If they have had conversations about this issue before (which I would imagine they have) it isn't going to change. I dated a guy like this recently.. I thought he was the most amazing guy in the universe until he moved in, while I was at school, after "dating" for a week. I stayed with him a year thinking it would "get better" because he was a great guy and it only got worse.. to the point that I loathed the sound of him breathing.
RUN! RUN QUICKLY! or this is going to end up like a scene from "This is 40".. You know the one where he has a mirror down by his bum? THAT scene.
I appreciate that you picked up on my sarcasm, but read the rest of the thread.
My bad. :flowerforyou: My mother spit the same line at me (in a disgusted tone.. because don't you know "men don't just date women that have children, Megan!) and was completely serious. The next night.. the mirror scene totally happened. I'm 24 and he was 23. That was the end. This guy was literally stalking me.. Checking my fb, mfp, and phone messages *constantly*.
ETA: Almost had to get a restraining order to get him to move out..0 -
I wish this wasn't turning into a "should I get married" thread. it should be more along the lines of, "what is going on with my partner and how can I help him?"
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PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING!0
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I unfortunately have not had time to read all the answers but I did read yours and was pleased to see some new information regarding your relationship. I might only be echoing what has already been said but communicate communicate!!! I had a very nice first marriage but there was a lot of problems that I just stuffed down and only when I blew up did he know about my frustrations. We survived together through some very tough and rough times when he got sick because we loved each other so much. Do I wish I could have changed some things in our marriage - absolutely. I was 10 years younger than him and he had a very dynamic personality, I tended not to voice my displeasure with anything. After he passed away I was bound and determined to become my own person and never marry again. Well that only lasted a few years - I am now happily married to a wonderful man (6 years younger this time
). But the very first thing I did when he moved in was have a long talk with myself about communicating. From the very first I opened up about things before they were going to boil over. In our nine years together we talk all the time about EVERYTHING and I can count our arguments on one hand. We are partners totally and completely, we share everything and we both care about each others workload.
So I know you were given this advice before and I hope as a young lady you learn from our mistakes, I wish I had communicated more with my first husband as much as I loved him I was scared of him (that sounds awful) so I remained
quiet about what bothered me more often than not.
This is an equal partnership you are not his mother.0 -
This sounds really similar to my marriage. Though my situation is a bit different, we take care of my grandmother while going to school full time (someone has to be with her pretty much 24/7), and I'm the day shift, & he's the night shift. But when he DOES do things he either has to tell me he did them right away (even if its 3am), or he does it half-*kitten* it just in the end creates more work for me. The same goes for my dad, & its of course partly my fault. I even went so far as to label everything in our kitchen cabinets (Cause we're getting ready to redo them anyway), and he still puts things in the wrong spot. Also getting either one of them to do laundry (correctly), is like pulling teeth. Husband wants to wash my grandmothers clothes with ours and she has more infections then the CDC, also not to mention the fact that she has an Colostomy bag that will occasionally leak/break so everything of hers is white, & gets washed on sanitize, that's not the case with ours. I've got so many clothes I cant wear out now because they were bleached because I WILL NOT wear anything that's been washed with her clothes without them being bleached due to not only germ-a-phobia, but she has had an infection that if I ever get I will have to be hospitalized because of the fact that I'm allergic to the over the counter drug the treat it with. While my dad on the other hand will wash his clothes, but in the almost 2 years that we've been taking care of her, has NEVER washed one single load of her clothes or the whites from the bathroom (again everything is white for convenience & the ability to bleach it.)
While yours may not be this bad, it is important to make sure that you want to do this for the rest of your life. Think long and hard, what I've started doing is putting up a chore chart, and its color coded (I'm purple, husbands blue, and dad is red), and the person that does the chore will use their marker and check it off on the day and what was done. Needless to say a lot of the chart is purple lol. The only thing that I won't do unless I can't stand it anymore is take out the trash, that's the least they can do, as I cook, clean, and wash dishes etc, now I will say a lot of the time they will put dinner away, though not always. Hopefully you'll have better luck with fixing things with the man in your life, then I have with the men in mine!0 -
You live together . Right. Move out. Let him think about what he wants. Let him grow up. Do this with love. Actually tough love. Let him live alone not with parents and date you. You are talking about the rest of your life here. Vet if he loves out and gas to grow up you will either love his progress and him or you won't. Wouldn't it be nice to have date bight. Think this through and good luck.0
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Talk to him and also encourage him to go back to the doctor for his testosterone level!! Even the slightest hormonal change can have a huge effect on your sex life.
If you love him and want to make it work, do everything you can to encourage him to become the man you need him to be. Perhaps a good way to begin the conversation would be to ask him what he feels would be an acceptable amount of work for him to do around the house and to describe his ultimate fantasies for your sex life. Then explain your views on the two subjects and meet somewhere in the middle.
These conversations may be difficult, but if you're going to marry him it's important to be able to talk through everything without fighting. If you feel angry, take a breath and do your best to wait to respond until you've calmed down.
It really sounds to me like you love him and that he loves you, however he's depending on you for far too much. The calm conversation may not work the first, second, or tenth time (if you're anything like me and can't keep it calm) but from experience it is the absolute best way to work through problems. Talk it out and get some girl! (in the kitchen and in the bedroom)
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pretty sure this thread is going to roll and pretty much every post is going to say "just break up" in some form or another. ha.
Yeah, but it terribly entertaining. :laugh:0 -
He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.
On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.
The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me
This is the part that is troublesome for me:
You state he is inattentive and sometimes selfish. But you also say he is respectful of you. Selfish and inattentive are not respectful traits, not allowing you to be sick is also not respectful, not raising a hand to you is not being respectful of you, it's being a decent human being. No one should ever raise a hand to another person and if this is your measure of love or respect, you may need to seek counseling on your own.
You are quite possibly right. I've only had two relationships and the first was abusive - to tell you the truth, my current partner pretty much saved me from my abusive partner. I know it must sound absolutely crazy to you that I consider him not being abusive a good trait rather than a normal thing, but the fact that he has never so much as raised his voice to me is a massive thing for me. But these are my own issues that I have got MUCH better with since being with him, and I certainly don't want to drag them up now.0 -
It's funny that in the other thread people are saying "marriage is just a piece of paper, long term relationships are the same" yet here, because she's not married yet, and even though they have been together 6 years, everyone is saying "run away". They've been together 6 years. This is something worth working on. Relationships take work, but they can be worth it. No, you can't force someone to change but people can and do change. In the 12 years I've been with my husband we have both changed a lot, some changes have made marriage harder, some have made it better, but we've worked with each other through all the changes. And no, I don't believe you should stay with someone and stay unhappy just "because" but don't give up without trying.0
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He's not going to change, so you need to decide if you can live with him as he is. No one's perfect. You may find someone more compatible with you, but you may not, too. If he's content with his laid-back self, works, pays half of the bills, does the dishes, offers you good company and a loving, safe place to dwell...maybe that's enough. The lack of passion would get to me, and it's getting to you. Can you live without passion for the rest of it, or do you need that passion in your life enough that you're willing to let this guy go?0
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