Please can I have some relationship advice

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  • Ivey05131980
    Ivey05131980 Posts: 1,118 Member
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    Can you live with it? To marry him would be a conscious decision to accept things as they are. Don't expect him to change for you.

    Couldn't of said it better myself.
  • KelGen02
    KelGen02 Posts: 668 Member
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    A happy marriage is HARD work... It doesn't just happen. It takes 2 people who are EQUAL partners. From the what I read, and I could be wrong, you are his mother... You do everything and no intimacy screams MOM relationship. The fact that you are questioning this now after 6 1/2 years should be a big indication that being married to this man for the rest of your life is not really what you want to do. Your unhappy now and your trying to convince yourself that it's OK to be unhappy for the rest of your life. You will resent him terribly, if you haven't begun to do so already.

    I am very happily married 12 years now. We both work full time, have 4 kids who are very active in sports. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the taxi'ing the kids all over the planet is a shared responsibility. I don't expect him to do certain things and he doesn't expect me to do certain things. It's a partnership.... and for the record we are both in our mid 40's and we are still intimate almost every night of the week and not because it is expected but because we crave the closeness and the love we have in our relationship. Life is soo busy we value our intimacy.

    Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your life with them... there are sooo many other factors in a relationship, love plays just a small part...

    I hope you find the answers you are looking for... although I think you already know the answer and you are just looking for validation.

    Best of luck to you... Always remember, you need to love yourself above all... :heart:
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave his wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?

    Maybe there would a lot of men saying to get out now, while he still can. I don't know.

    Either way, it sounds like this man is struggling with something. And they both need to work on it sooner, rather than later. Put it all out there on the table and figure out what is going on and what the plan is going to be. Talking about it, kindly, and expressing how you feel works. People respond when they hear how a person feels. It helps them see how this is a partnership, and each of you has feelings. You can make a commitment to work together and support each other through the tough times.
  • little_schmidt
    little_schmidt Posts: 27 Member
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    My boyfriend used to do the same thing. only he didnt have a job. yes it was my fault for letting it slide but i work full time to come home to a dirty house, full of clothes and dishes and what not? No way! he is also the same way about doing his own "business" such as making phone calls and keeping his money budgeted. Finally i told him he could get his **** together or i was done. and i was really mean about it. We now live separately and very happily. He is looking for work. He is getting his licence back and taking care of his bills all by himself. the difference here, we have only been together two years. i guess its just another way of saying sometimes ya gotta snuff the ember before it becomes a flame. The only advice i can give you is to decide if its worth your whole life with this guy or if you need a change of scenery. Love does not come without pain unfortunately. Can you take the pain or are you gonna try to whip him into shape? Good Luck! Just be happy.
  • asimmons221
    asimmons221 Posts: 294 Member
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    So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?

    @busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.


    Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":

    Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
    If you have, why can't someone else???

    If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.

    pretty much this.

    I went through a depressed state while with my current girlfriend (we've been together for 5 years) She didn't leave, helped me out of it. I'm a better person and even a little different since then, for the better, if you love the person you do what you can. Not jut throw in the towel as soon as you hit an issue.
  • afat12
    afat12 Posts: 178 Member
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    Dump him and find someone else.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).
  • perfect_storm
    perfect_storm Posts: 326 Member
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    I am speaking from personal experience here, my marriage was like this and got worse as it went along. We went to counseling and it worked wonders we both have our things to do in the house and help each other with everything else. Hearing it from you may not impact him because well, it's you. But having a third party weigh in in a non confrontational way may be an option for you. Most counselors do not wag their fingers or place blame they just help you to find out where your problems are and help you to fix them. Heck when we both got on the same page with help of the counselor we pretty much solved the problem ourselves.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    I think in this case people (mainly women) are being more harsh and less sympathetic because he's male, like men aren't allowed to get depressed.
  • NekaMaye88
    NekaMaye88 Posts: 162 Member
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    I post on here quite a lot, so I’ve started a new account for a bit of anonymity.

    I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years, and we are getting married. The wedding has been booked for about 2 years and is almost paid for. I love him to bits, but over the last 18 months, I’ve started to feel more like his mother than his partner.

    He’s always been a bit lazy and I could cope with that, but he’s got a lot worse. He works, but that’s about all he does. I also work the same hours, and I do all the shopping, all the cooking, 95% of the cleaning (he washes up). He pays his share of the bills, but I am responsible for all the money, payments and our savings, and I basically have to hand him out ‘pocket money’ – now I’d like to make it clear this is through his OWN choice, as he doesn’t want to do it. If there’s a problem which involves calling someone, like the bank, or his mobile provider, I have to do it, because he ‘doesn’t like talking to people on the phone.’

    He’s also very un-attentive and sometimes selfish; if I didn’t organise things for us to do together, we would just sit in front of the telly in silence. I came home from work feeling really ill recently, and I asked him to cook dinner because I just couldn’t face it, and he couldn’t have made it clearer he was so unhappy doing it that I eventually gave in and cooked anyway.

    On a more personal note, for a couple in their late twenties and early thirties, our sex life is non-existant.

    The trouble is, I love him very much and I KNOW he loves me. I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh together. He’s very supportive of me. My parents adore him. He very respectful to me – in 6 and a half years he’s never so much as raised his voice or sworn at me. He doesn’t come across as needy, just extremely laid-back, which I think is his problem. As long as there’s a roof over his head and dinner on the table, he doesn’t care much for anything else. He doesn’t want the hassle. But he is a genuinely lovely guy, and I cannot express this enough.

    However, I am in such a limbo. Sometimes I think I can cope with this for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can’t. I have tried again and again to talk to him about it, given him ultimatums, even stopped doing everything I do for him, but eventually it drives me mad and I start all over again.
    I know part of the problem is that I do willingly mother him, but if I don’t, the house gets messy, there are no dinners on the table, and the bills don’t get paid.

    We have no children (and neither of us want any) so there’s not that to worry about. But I want to get this sorted before we get married.

    If this was your relationship, what would you do? Am I to blame?

    This was my marriage! It didn't end well...

    SAME here. I wouldn't add the legal part of marriage to it if this is already a huge problem. Counseling and communication are recommendations. If he's not willing, then you shouldn't be willing to continue to pull most of the weight per se.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    Typical woman reply.
  • Wenchiness
    Wenchiness Posts: 126 Member
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    If you are already unhappy, marriage will not fix the issue. Sounds like you are comfortable roommates rather than partners. Get counseling or flat out tell him, you are not his mommy. Tell HIM of your concerns rather than asking strangers for advice. If he can't change, you need to find your happiness elsewhere. Starting over is hard, especially when you care for another person, but if you don't have similar goals, you're doomed. His goals are being met, somebody takes care of him and the adult responsibilities. You've already stated your goals are not being met. Either fix him, or set him out to pasture and move on.
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
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    Run now.

    YES!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    Typical woman reply.

    :laugh: :flowerforyou:
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    I think in this case people (mainly women) are being more harsh and less sympathetic because he's male, like men aren't allowed to get depressed.

    Maybe I just haven't been reading the replies. But, I do think if it was a man saying a women wasn't having sex with him we'd be seeing a lot of break up with her posts, and get out now while you still can, and women never want to have sex, and marriage kills sex, and marriage is a death sentence for men and sex, and women trap men then refuse sex (all untrue things), and other such things. And then someone would probably say "what if the genders were reversed". I think both men and women have found themselves in sexless relationships and that's where it is coming from.

    But, I do think sometimes men identify with men and women identify with women, and that can be reflected in different responses that are gender heavy in one direction, but then also happens in the reverse situation.

    Or maybe I'm just in a grumpy mood (because I kind of am, unrelated to this).
  • iamihobo
    iamihobo Posts: 232 Member
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    Don't do it.
    End of story. If you're unhappy now, you'll be unhappy later.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?

    @busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.


    Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":

    Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
    If you have, why can't someone else???

    If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.

    I think ladies, the trouble with this thread is that people are just reading the OP and no further.
    It's not a requirement to read the whole thread to answer, just the OP....and, it's not a requirement for you to answer every poster in your thread.
  • FixIngMe13
    FixIngMe13 Posts: 405 Member
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    First... I wish you the very best of luck, in whatever decision you make.

    Personally, he'd be gone. ((I did say personally))

    If you are unhappy in the least now, this is only going to make you miserable later.


    On that note, I'm glad I'm single.
  • ashleemayy
    ashleemayy Posts: 5
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    you need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. this may help with overcoming your obstacles in the relationship. before you go to couples counseling just talk!!!
  • KiwiJewels
    KiwiJewels Posts: 36 Member
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    There are a lot of posts, and I don't have time to read them all, but hopefully you are getting an unbiased view overall :-) My two cents worth (hopefully not repeating anyone else) is to try and make the relationship work, but perhaps try and put some distance between you? You say that you have tried going on strike and end up giving in. Is there somewhere else you can stay so he is left to his own devices, but you aren't impacted? Tell him you want to take a step back and start at the beginning again. Recapture what things were like back when you first started dating. He is clearly taking you for granted and this needs to stop!

    I lived with bone lazy for a brief period of time and it did my head in - never again! The anger and resentment you feel pretty much all the time, especially knowing they will never change, is not good to live with day in and day out! Long term stress can make you really sick! Obviously your love language is acts of service - but I'm having trouble working out what his is! Think about what it might be. Is he trying to show you he loves you in a way you are just not recognising?

    Regardless, it would be really hard to feel loved and valued in your current situation, and you deserve better then that. Nagging is stressful for everyone, and would probably just make him dig his toes in more. Perhaps it's some sort of power struggle? Commication is key, but not everyone can do it. It can be learnt, however, so that doesn't let him off the hook. If you've told him what you need, and he's not even attempting to meet any of them or even be willing to compromise, then maybe he's just not that into you!

    Either that or he is comfortable that there aren't going to be any long term repercussions or consequences, so why should he try? Personally, I think he needs a good scare, and you refusing to give in on something that is important to you should give him the kick up the butt he clearly needs. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and "better than what I had before" isn't necessarily good enough!

    Good luck and hang in there! Let us know how it goes :-)

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