Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight
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This is one of those things where OP has to lose someone she cares about because of immaturity. Live and learn.
No one needs a significant other to tell them what, when, and how to eat unless they're not capable of doing it themselves.0 -
If you prefer athletic, fit men, and your boyfriend doesn't want to become one, then find someone else.
:huh:
The OP was asking for him to "bulk up" not more athletic and the two aren't necessarily the same.
My OH is 6 foot tall and weighs 145lb. His race weight is even lower. A few years ago he won the OMM with his brother (Original Mountain Marathon, 2 fell marathons back to back). He's also completed Mountain Mayhem (a multi-stage mountain bike race from the south of Germany to the north of Italy). There are undoubtedly men out there who are considered more "buff" than him, but I've never been with anyone fitter!! It would never occur to me to ask him to change his looks to please me. He loves his sports (which ultimately determine his looks) and I love him just as he is.
I think the OP is just looking for a bit of stereotypical arm-candy to feel better about herself. Poor sod!
Any man who had started a thread like "I'm a bit insecure about my boldness and my beer gut so don't judge me, but I want my GF to become a size zero with long blonde hair and double-G cups!" would have been torn apart on this forum.
OP... grow up.0 -
In...early...because this thread is destined to go places.
ETA: For full effect, re-read OP but read it as if it were written by a man about his girlfriend.
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Rewritten for you from your boyfriends point of view, so hopefully you can realise how nasty you sound.
My girlfriend used to be borderline anorexic back in undergrad but recently she's been doing really well and has gained some weight. There's been a few hiccups along the way but she is definitely getting there.
The only thing is since she's been gaining weight and getting healthier it seems to have put a strain on our relationship. She always compares herself to me because I am a little slimmer than her. She constantly goes on about my weight and tries to force me to eat, as well as grilling me every day about what I've eaten, to the point where I have to lie about it, because it's easier than the argument.
I don't really feel like she loves me for who I am; I think she wants a 'buff' man on her arm and i have no desire to be that, I'm happy the way I am and I'm sick of her belittling my masculinity just because I don't eat as much as she wants me to?!
She acts like my mum. I don't want a mum, I just want a healthy, happy girlfriend. It's annoying me so much I've taken to playing video games most of the day because it's the only time I can get away from her constant sniping.
What should I do?0 -
i think people have missed the point here...
OP, i think you should talk to a professional about your feelings... if having a slim boyfriend is triggering your ED you need to get help... trying to feed up your boyfriend is just avoiding the problem0 -
Break up because your boyfriend deserves someone who will accept him as he is.
Trying to change people against their will is not cool...nor is trying to shape them into your ideal.
Damn...took the words right out of my mouth. Trying to change someone because you want them to is a recipe for disaster. Encouraging them to do something they already want to do is one thing, but trying to force them into doing something they have no interest in is not a good idea at all.
OP, why not try to put yourself in his shoes. How would YOU feel if he was asking you to lose weight? In some respects, "bulking" for guys is viewed through a similar lens as "thinning out" for women.0 -
And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!
This is the heart of the issue.
You want him to be bigger because it triggers your own insecurities about the way you look and your eating disorder. A friend of mine went through a very similar thing with his ex - girlfriend.
It's not that he needs to be a man - it's that you need help before you turn into his feeder...0 -
Just break up.
PHAHA Ladies and Gentleman the next Dr Phil!
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well start cooking him the right stuff.!!!0
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My girlfriend is Dominican, but I really want her to be Asian. I keep telling her to eat more foods that are traditionally asian, but she just won't. How can I make her Asian if she won't listen or try? It's not fair because I used to be Hispanic, and am now am Anglo Saxon. Help!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Well, there is a fair amount of bashing going on, and for a few good reasons. However, some of you are missing the point that OP has eating disorder issues.
I get what she is doing on a psychological level. She has no doubt spent much of her life trying to be as thin as possible. Then, she has found some way to begin to be healthier, either via treatment or self discovery. However, this doesn't negate her feelings of insecurity. So in order to deal with them, she has focused on her boyfriends looks. She knows that being healthier means being heavier, but she's not comfortable with this ideal yet. So, with her boyfriend refusing to gain weight, some of her old feelings are creeping back about being thinner. It's hard to feel feminine in our society without being much smaller than our partner. Yes, OP may be young, but she was working through this issue the healthiest way she knew how.
I agree that she should seek counseling to find a more appropriate way to deal with her feelings. And maybe she is what some of you are saying she is (young, immature, selfish, whatever), but I can definitely see where she is coming from and it's really more of a comment on where her eating disorder issues have some work to be done yet.0 -
How would you feel if you found out that he was posting on a public message board about your body and your habits, and how you need to change for him? This is not OK.
This.0 -
Warning: tough love ahead.
This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.
If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him. When all is said and done you either love him for who he is - or you don't. The rest is just petty detail.
There has been a lot of 'just break up with him' in this thread so I just wanted to highlight the above answer, which I think sums it up pretty well. If you are concerned about him being too skinny for his health, you can sit down with him and explain your concerns. Either he will take it on board, or he won't.
However, your issues seem to stem more from low self-esteem in yourself and jealousy that your boyfriend is thinner than you. Trust me, I know where you are coming from. My boyfriend weighs two-thirds of what I do. I am only human, I can't help the slight pang of jealousy when he comes home with 26-inch waist jeans, but I don't take it out on him. He is naturally built like that and as he is healthy, neither of us see any reason for him to 'bulk up'. I would still love him if he did, and I love him now when he hasn't, and that's the crux of it, really. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your mental image of what your man 'should' be and make it align more with what he actually IS... and remember he can't help being skinny.0 -
the issue lies with you.
if he wanted to change and asked for you help there are very delicate ways of doing this. you have an issue with your own size and therefore want your boyfriend to be bigger than you to make yourself feel better.
this post is wrong on too many levels, I think people may be being unnecessarily harsh toward you as I think most people can identify with the way you are feeling, my boyfriend is skinnier than me, and eats slot more than me, and i am guilty of maybe being a little bit mean about it to make me feel better, it doesn't bother him though as he just takes the mickey outa me for being a piggy and piling on 28lb this year (we have that kinda jovial relationship)- but thanks for making me realise where i may be going wrong.
any how, back on track - what you are doing is the same as someone making an overweight person eat salad, and constantly telling them they're fat. its not nice and its not cool. so stop that, learn to love yourself - and your boyfriend.0 -
I am with you OP.
I want my boyfriend to grow a bigger penis, and to spend more money on me because of health reasons.
If that doesn't happen in 2 weeks I am leaving him, because it's just unfair for me to have to put up with his selfish behavior.
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If he is healthy then let it go. He'll bulk up the older he gets naturally. Just appreciate him for who he is. If he is not healthy then just be a good example for him.0
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If he was behaving in a manner that might be harmful to himself or others, then I would understand why you would want him to change. But you cannot go into a relationship with someone expecting to force them into changing or doing something against their will. You either love him for who he is, or you don't. Love is about loving all of a person, including the traits that make them "imperfect' in your eyes. For me, these can sometimes be the most endearing ones.0
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I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant.
1.) Not every woman wants a buff boyfriend. Don't justify your own desires by making a blanket statement.
2.) You sound like a control freak. You want him to be a man? Then let him be one. No man is going to cave in to carping and nagging like this. Let him be himself. Sounds as if you're the one with the food issues here, not him.0 -
She wants the D
^this. :laugh:0 -
If you're with your boyfriend because of a body type you want him to have that probably ISNT achievable... you might just want to break up and go find a gym rat musclehead... My hubby is about 5'8 or 9 and the most he's ever weighed is 130, and that's with him eating like a fat person, or being a gym rat(when we first got together he had been working out excessively for like 4 hours a day, he was in the navy and didn't have anything else to do just yet, he was cut as hell but still very small). Some guys just don't have a bulky build. How about you work on your issues? I'm bigger than my hubby, and while sometimes it does suck thinking think my waist will probably never be a 27/8 like his, it's okay. As long as your boyfriend eats when he's hungry and doesn't have an ED, leave him alone about it.0
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This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.
If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him.
this.:indifferent:0 -
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Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.
I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.
It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.
I just read this. I think that you may want to seek some professional help in dealing with your insecurities, especially as you have a previous ED.
Please this.
I think you have a long way to go until you're truly over your psychological problems.0 -
Wow.. :noway:0
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Eating disorders are about control more than anything else.
I find it interesting that as you try to heal from your ED, you are also trying to control your BF's diet. You're just transferring the problem.
I've had an eating disorder and I've been where you are. You need to let your boyfriend be while you work on your issues. If you can't do that, then you need to let him go for a while. It's not fair for him to be your guinea pig/punching bag while you sort out how to live a healthy life.0 -
I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend?
You. Or you wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place.
Stop pushing your food and body issues onto someone else and get serious couseling for yourself.0 -
Not that I agree with the OP, cause she is clearly in the wrong, but what's all this natural skinny/fast metabolism talk? According to her he eats ramen for lunch and then eats whatever she makes for dinner; that's not naturally skinny, that's just not eating a lot. If we all ate like that we'd all be skinny too.
OP is still wrong and it's sad that her eating disorder (which is still an obvious issue) is taking such a toll on her relationship.0 -
Just break up.
Hmyup0 -
You both have a very unhealthy relationship with food, but you more so, because you are trying to have a relationship with his eating habits as well as yours.
Listen closely, you can NOT change people. He will eat what he wants to eat and do what he wants to do whether you like it or not. You really just need to focus on yourself and stop comparing your body to his. Hello! He is a man and you are a woman... it's like apples and oranges anyway!
I'm not saying that what he is doing is right for his body, but it's his body and his choice. Make choices for yourself and let him worry about what is best for him. The only thing you can do that might possibly motivate him is to set an example. But in no way, shape, or fashion is nagging, griping, *****ing, or complaining ever going to motivate him to do anything. So just stop.
Accept the fact that he is going to make choices for himself, and you might not like them.0 -
One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.
Didn't really need to read any further, but yeah, everything else just confirms that you're jealous that he's thinner than you. Leave him alone and focus on your own body.0
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