Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?

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  • MizMimi111
    MizMimi111 Posts: 244 Member
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    You've admitted to random searches of his facebook and internet history since your wedding. Seems like you never really did trust him again. Your words say one thing and your actions say another. Just like him saying he won't look at porn but then doing so.

    I'm curious why looking at porn became such an issue when the marriage happened yet it was okay before? You even admitted to sometimes looking at it together.
  • TheGirlsATimeBomb
    TheGirlsATimeBomb Posts: 434 Member
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    this isn't an issue of porn. if he promised you not to eat peanut butter, then he did it and hid it and lied, you should still leave him. you had an agreement, he purposely went against it, and you're just going to keep letting him do it?

    source: a girl who just found her ex boyfriend was cheating on her for a year. with a physical woman.
  • 4ever420
    4ever420 Posts: 4,088 Member
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    I'm not married, so take this for what it's worth (not very much). I think looking at porn is not the same as having an affair with an actual live woman. Yes, you agreed not to have porn in your lives, but...he's a guy. You were away. Is it an addiction if he gave into temptation when you were gone, but not before? Or is it just a temptation? And he was texting that he missed you while watching the porn? Clearly he was wishing he was with you and not doing what he was doing. To me, that's different from the sexting he was doing before the wedding.

    Frankly I'm continually surprised when my boyfriend says he hasn't ...uh...you know....when we've not been able to get together for a few days. But then again, we are in our 40's. If we were in our 20's, I'd assume it was impossible for a guy to restrain himself. And I absolutely don't want to see his internet history. Ever. No good can come of it.

    How much of your current angst is because you set yourself a line in the sand which would result in instantly leaving him if he crossed it? And now he's crossed it. You don't HAVE to leave him just because you said you would - you can change your mind if you so wish.

    Go to the counseling. Accept that none of us are perfect. See if it is something you can get past. I could get past it, but I'm not you, I don't have your history and I don't know all the circumstances. But if you can't trust him over this mistake, then you'll probably never trust him.

    I agree. I think him watching porn is completely different than him sexting another woman.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.

    this is a good point. if you look for it you will find it.
  • bugaha1
    bugaha1 Posts: 602 Member
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    Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.

    The first incident was sexting that’s pretty close to just watching porn, most of it is just fantasy. The day mankind can read minds will be the day marriages ends for ever.
  • SlimJanette
    SlimJanette Posts: 597 Member
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    This is a decision that you need to make. You have stated how you are feeling so you need to decide what will make you feel better.
    No person should ever complete you. If your daughters were in this position, what would you tell them to do?
    You only have 1 life, make it a happy one.
    I hope you figure it out whatever it may be.
    Good Luck!
  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
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    Strong first post. Good luck on your weightloss journey.
  • gsager
    gsager Posts: 977 Member
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    Ok honey, as one who's been married going on 21 years, let me give you my humble opinion.

    Your first mistake: he makes me finally feel complete.
    Never never ever depend on another human being ever to make you feel complete. YOU have to do this for yourself. Man (and woman) is fallable.

    It seems you keep checking his computer because you are LOOKING for trouble. Really, is it worth the heartache? Even if it is wrong, you have to give each other space somewhere. I hate that he's looking at porn and it's good that y'all are in some form of counseling. You promised in front of EVERYONE to live with this man, to put UP with this man for better...or worse. There will be lots of "worse," I assure you.

    Here's an adage for you...If you own a farm, it is good to have cattle. It is profitable to have cattle. But along with the cattle, there's a lot of poop.

    The ultimate decision still comes down to you though.

    This is so true, we usually find what we're looking for. And you aren't his mom, kinda sounds like you want to be. Good Luck.
  • Mcgrawhaha
    Mcgrawhaha Posts: 1,596 Member
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    I'm not married, so take this for what it's worth (not very much). I think looking at porn is not the same as having an affair with an actual live woman. Yes, you agreed not to have porn in your lives, but...he's a guy. You were away. Is it an addiction if he gave into temptation when you were gone, but not before? Or is it just a temptation? And he was texting that he missed you while watching the porn? Clearly he was wishing he was with you and not doing what he was doing. To me, that's different from the sexting he was doing before the wedding.

    Frankly I'm continually surprised when my boyfriend says he hasn't ...uh...you know....when we've not been able to get together for a few days. But then again, we are in our 40's. If we were in our 20's, I'd assume it was impossible for a guy to restrain himself. And I absolutely don't want to see his internet history. Ever. No good can come of it.

    How much of your current angst is because you set yourself a line in the sand which would result in instantly leaving him if he crossed it? And now he's crossed it. You don't HAVE to leave him just because you said you would - you can change your mind if you so wish.

    Go to the counseling. Accept that none of us are perfect. See if it is something you can get past. I could get past it, but I'm not you, I don't have your history and I don't know all the circumstances. But if you can't trust him over this mistake, then you'll probably never trust him.

    I agree. I think him watching porn is completely different than him sexting another woman.

    unless both parties agree up front that porn is not something that will be tolerated. especially those of us who have strong moral or religous backgrounds or lifestyles... for people like me, and even my husband, porn is not something we are willing to tolerate. its one thing to throw in the porn stipulation out of no where, but if both people from the begining agree that its a nono... then its a NONO
  • Mcgrawhaha
    Mcgrawhaha Posts: 1,596 Member
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    Honestly..you will never trust him again regardless because of the first incident. You do realize that you went snooping around through his internet history to find out what he was doing? If you really trusted him you wouldn't have done that. The trust is gone and once that is gone then it's over.

    The first incident was sexting that’s pretty close to just watching porn, most of it is just fantasy. The day mankind can read minds will be the day marriages ends for ever.

    and will be the day we go to prison before committing the crime... angry / husband / wood chipper / cement... oh boy i hope no one can ever read my mind...
  • Wrxsti23
    Wrxsti23 Posts: 62
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    I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?
  • jennalennafur
    jennalennafur Posts: 80 Member
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    "sexting"=bad! I don't think I would have married him in the first place, but as you said, maybe it ended up helping you two.

    Watching porn while you are away? I think that's pretty normal, people get lonely and it's not like he's emotionally involved with the porn stars on his computer. Although the 1x1 thing seems kind of like a waste of money to me.

    That is just my two cents...Like everyone else has been saying, it's your call. No one knows your situation better than you.
  • mallen404
    mallen404 Posts: 266 Member
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    Him watching porn while you're away? and that's all you have to worry about? he should leave you and take the kids with him. Grow up, people like to watch porn, he's not cheating on your with a dime bag hooker.
    I agree
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

    I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

    He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
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    Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?

    69. Seems like a legit number of chances to me.
  • Hildy_J
    Hildy_J Posts: 1,050 Member
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    One strike and out is my rule. Get out while you can...

    You deserve someone who you can trust, who is honest with you. Cut the creep loose. I hate all this 'understand him' 'meet him halfway' crap. No. If you're married you don't have inappropriate relations with another woman. End of. Whether it's via text, or online, or in real life, or by fax, carrier pigeon, morse code, whatever.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    You chose your path when you decided to go through with the wedding. Good luck.

    And porn is only as big of a deal as you make it.

    This exactly. Now be an adult and stop trying to get opinion about this off a fitness website.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

    I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

    He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

    I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

    Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,473 Member
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    only you can make the decision.
    I would have left him.
    right away.
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