Husband can't be trusted. How many chances should he get?

Options
12346

Replies

  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    Options
    Dear OP, you are slightly crazy.

    This
  • TMLPatrick
    TMLPatrick Posts: 558 Member
    Options
    why does she need to become his mother?? turn off the internet when she's not at home??

    Yeah.... that'd instantly end my relationship.... sheesh. He's a grown man, he doesn't need to be mothered.
  • MizMimi111
    MizMimi111 Posts: 244 Member
    Options
    I'm curious why looking at porn became such an issue when the marriage happened yet it was okay before? You even admitted to sometimes looking at it together.

    I think the issue here is not the porn itself, but the broken promise and how she should react having drawn a line in the sand that has now been crossed. I personally think that watching porn in and of itself is not a big deal and she seems to have felt the same way at some point, but they had an agreement. (It also appears that the OP believes porn, for him, is a "gateway drug" that may lead to other, more personal interactions like the one he had leading up to their wedding...?).

    Sooo.....

    - Is he just a habitual liar and sneak that can't be trusted? Get out.

    - If she lets this one slide, will he ever take her boundaries seriously? She's already caved once by marrying him.

    - He's a pretty clumsy sneak. It's not difficult to delete browsing history. I mean, unless OP's a computer whiz that can get around that stuff. Maybe he wanted to get caught - any chance he's consciously or subconsciously sabotaging the relationship?

    If all else is well in the marriage and you want to keep him, you can't just let it slide. You're going to have to make sure he suffers some consequences so he'll think twice about it the next time he's tempted to go against his promises. I think you're already doing that with the counseling, letting him know that you're setting up an escape fund, etc..

    If you stay together then someday you're going to have to choose to trust him. No more computer detective, no more porn police, no more assuming that watching porn will make him escalate into a full-on affair - because you trust him. You can't nanny him forever - what kind of marriage would that be?

    I agree. I believe someone (either the OP or the counsellor) made it about the porn. The real issue was trust right from the get go. I think the money spent on counselling would have been better spent on learning how to trust again, what tools the OP could use instead of putting an ultimatum on porn.
  • Greywalk
    Greywalk Posts: 193 Member
    Options
    Your decision, no matter what is said here. It is your decision and you and the girls will have to live with it. Your girls are looking to you as a model and will shape their lives based upon what you demonstrate and how you live not by what you say. The stakes are high, your happiness, the girls happiness now and future and what is the requirement for forgiveness? Truth is forgiveness is given when life changes and the other person shows by their actions they are truely sorry not by words....so what will be required? What action will show to you that he is truely sorry? has it happened? If not time for honest check up. and I agree with the woman on here who said. Your fulfillment should NEVER depend on another person.

    Again in the end your decision, best thoughts for you and your family.
  • RunsSober
    Options
    *Shrugs* I'm not a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or member of the clergy. I have my own family and marriage to worry about.

    I think it is very strange to ask for marriage advice from strangers on a public message board dedicated to diet and fitness. Issues like these are always complicated and if I were your husband or kids I would be PISSED that you were sharing your private life so openly with random people. I think that is way worse than porn and a bigger violation of trust.
  • VelvetMorning
    VelvetMorning Posts: 398 Member
    Options
    You don't need your kids living in an environment that is tense. That is unhealthy.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
    Options
    Is it only men who get the porn card excuse or does it work for ladies too?

    generally speaking, you usually won't find a man who's "line in the sand" for a woman is no porn.

    so there is seldom a need to play that card for a woman, regardless of its existence.
  • Levesque_7
    Options
    *Shrugs* I'm not a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or member of the clergy. I have my own family and marriage to worry about.

    I think it is very strange to ask for marriage advice from strangers on a public message board dedicated to diet and fitness. Issues like these are always complicated and if I were your husband or kids I would be PISSED that you were sharing your private life so openly with random people. I think that is way worse than porn and a bigger violation of trust.

    ^^This
  • SpeSHul_SnoflEHk
    SpeSHul_SnoflEHk Posts: 6,256 Member
    Options

    2) He is making appointments with a different counselor to discuss this “porn addiction” he has.

    Really, you are the only one who can decide what you are going to do, and what is best for you and your family. Don't rely on a bunch of strnagers from the internet to tell you what to do.

    That being said, I was curious as to why you put porn addiciton in quotes like you did? Porn addicition is a very real thing, and I have seen it destroy many a marriage. It's real. It's harmful. It can affect anyone of either sex.
  • amandarama_
    Options
    The porn isn't the issue, people need to look past that. The issue is that they agreed on not having a particular thing in their lives, they made that promise to each other. And he did it anyways. Think of it like this, if it were heroin instead of porn, would people still be telling her to get used to it because he's a man? The point is, it's something that HE AGREED to stay away from. You can't justify him going back on his word just because he happens to be male.

    The biggest issue for me would be the blatant disregard of your feelings. He knew how you felt and where you stood on things, and that wasn't enough of a reason for him.

    It's complicated because this isn't the first time he's done something that's left you hurt or disrespected. In fact, this is something that was promised because of the first time.

    I can't tell you what to do. I can't say for sure that he will or won't ever hurt you again. You know your husband and ultimately you have to decide if it's something that you can get past or not. You know what kind of man he is and only you can decide if working through the pain he has caused you and trying to trust him again will be worth it. All that I can say is that I truly hope you figure out what you want. Just never let yourself forget what you deserve in life! Don't let anyone treat you any differently from that.
  • grrrlface
    grrrlface Posts: 1,204 Member
    Options
    He was maybe acting weird because he knew watching porn was breaking a boundary you two set.

    At the same time, if he was texting you around the same time he was thinking of you.

    If it is a serious addiction it can, and should, be dealt with.

    You really shouldn't snoop, no matter what you suspect though. He may feel untrusted by you which will make the relationship unhappy from his side aswell. You have to trust it's just the porn and not the sexting that happened before your wedding.
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
    Options
    .
  • PhoenixStrikes
    PhoenixStrikes Posts: 587 Member
    Options
    I HATE when women cry over guys watching porn. Get OVER yourself! men love porn, women love porn it's not the devil. I would suggest gaining some self esteem so you don't feel ashamed of your husband for wanting to play out fantasies. Cheers to porn and all it's awesomeness.
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
    Options
    I HATE when women cry over guys watching porn. Get OVER yourself! men love porn, women love porn it's not the devil. I would suggest gaining some self esteem so you don't feel ashamed of your husband for wanting to play out fantasies. Cheers to porn and all it's awesomeness.

    I agree, watching porn should not be a big issue, if it was for the OP in the first place! But sexting/watching a woman do things live is not ok, atleast for me!
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
    Options
    I personally don't think sexting and porn are the same. He was sexting with an actual woman. It could've been an old crush, a co-worker, neighbor..Watching porn is all fantasy because you are watching something that isn't going to happen in real life and you aren't doing anything with the porn stars. How do we know that he wasn't actually sleeping with the girl he was sexting with?

    I think the fact is he promised to never watch it again. He lied and broke his promise. He was hiding the sexting, and lying to her face during the wedding when he promised to remain faithful.

    He's just a big lying doo doo head (sorry OP, but he is)

    I'm guessing OP is a control freak (no porn. Seriously?) so yes, in order to avoid constant nagging I can see men lying to never watch porn.

    Besides, its not like she never lied. People lie. She lied about "accidently" reading his facebook account. I'm sure there are other lies she isn't telling. Don't get fixated on one side of the story.

    The red flag with no porn was that he was paying for 1 on 1 with the Cam girls, that is a little bit different than just watching porn.

    I thought too much went into the story for it too be a troll, figured a regular who wanted to keep the main account under wraps.
    If it is a troll then kudos on the effort spent for realism.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Options
    Is it only men who get the porn card excuse or does it work for ladies too?

    generally speaking, you usually won't find a man who's "line in the sand" for a woman is no porn.

    so there is seldom a need to play that card for a woman, regardless of its existence.

    yeah youre right it would be a fun card to play though. girls will be girls watching da porn not satisfying their husbands, LOL
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,245 Member
    Options
    from man's perspective, i suggest try to evaluate yourself too. it's always the man who can get the blame for this but there might be some other reason. typically, we're only seeing the surface and the result but not the cause.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    Options
    Does not matter if she is "controlling" or not.

    They had issues PRIOR to the wedding and he probably promised her the moon to get her happy again in order for her to go through with the wedding.

    He could have said "nope. Don't like your terms" and walked. He did not do that. So he needs to follow through with the agreement or walk out now.

    Constantly making, then breaking, agreements and saying the agreement isn't fair or doable is BS.
  • howardheilweil
    howardheilweil Posts: 604 Member
    Options
    *Shrugs* I'm not a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or member of the clergy. I have my own family and marriage to worry about.

    I think it is very strange to ask for marriage advice from strangers on a public message board dedicated to diet and fitness. Issues like these are always complicated and if I were your husband or kids I would be PISSED that you were sharing your private life so openly with random people. I think that is way worse than porn and a bigger violation of trust.
    Basically what I was thinking, but you said it very well.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Options
    Does not matter if she is "controlling" or not.

    They had issues PRIOR to the wedding and he probably promised her the moon to get her happy again in order for her to go through with the wedding.

    He could have said "nope. Don't like your terms" and walked. He did not do that. So he needs to follow through with the agreement or walk out now.

    Constantly breaking agreements then saying the agreement isn't fair or doable is BS.

    Boom this!!!!
This discussion has been closed.